Five Bucks To Freak A Mind
23 December, 2010 - 18:05 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to the audience: I AM HERE TO HELP AGAIN.
Every year, for a very, very loose definition of "every", I present the YAD Christmas Buying Guide, a handy last-minute shopping helper for what Sears calls "procrastisantas", and then the rest of us take Sears out behind the dumpster and kick it's ass for making up such awful fucking words.
This year, I'm going the extra mile and talking about actual products on actual store shelves. Again, for sufficiently loose definitions of "products" and "stores". Do you have relatives you never want to talk to again? Because if you do, I've got the gifts that will ensure years of silence.
Are you seriously late to the Snuggie bandwagon? Has the Snuggie bandwagon left you standing out in the cold, without a sleeved blanket to keep you warm? Do you only have six bucks? Congratulations! You can get a Hugglie! Yes, Hugglie is the knock-off, cable-access version of the Snuggie! Available in the Shitty Gifts section of your favorite discount store. I saw them in Burlington Coat Factory, for example.
Nothing says "I barely remembered you existed and stopped on the way when I remembered you were going to be at the party" like a cheap polyester fake-fleece blanket that probably has smallpox in addition to the sleeves. Or at least elevated levels of cadmium.
Of course, if you REALLY want to ruin Christmas, the best way to do it is to give a poorly-thought out, last-minute, cheap fucking gift to the CHILDREN of your second-tier friends, remote family members, or work acquaintances. The ideal gift for a kid like this is some kind of toy-like product you can convince yourself would have been awesome when you were a kid, and also features a pop-culture person or character whose sell-by-date passed when the kid was still in diapers. You know, like a Mandy Moore fashion doll you found at Big Lots.
But not everybody has a Big Lots, which is why I'm so happy that Criss Angel is lame. With a name like Criss Angel, you'd think he'd be perfect for the Solstice Holiday Festivities, but no. He's a washed-up EXTREME magician from the days we all thought Marilyn Manson was going to destroy our children, and now, he's lent his name, license, and obligatory MINDFREAK trademark to a series of cheap plastic magic tricks available in the As Seen On TV section of your favorite chain drugstore.
But you can't just get ANY Criss Angel Mindfreak magic trick. No, if you really want to make this a memorable holiday, for all the wrong reasons, you have to get THIS ONE:
Criss Angel's Penetration Pen is the perfect holiday gift. Criss Angel's Penetration Pen is what all the hip kids want. Criss Angel's Penetration Pen is amazing! Because we all know, it's not really Christmas without the magic of penetration.
And, of course, the single best thing about Criss Angel's Penetration Pen is how it makes it easy to perform. Because you wouldn't want your penetration to go horribly wrong. Christmas isn't a time for regrets, half-hearted bedroom apologies, or trying to explain that it just exploded and leaked all over your pocket.
Remember, every time you penetrate a dollar bill with the Criss Angel Penetration Pen, an Angel gets one more night at a Vegas casino performing for middle-aged Midwesterners who didn't order their Cirque Du Soleil tickets soon enough. And isn't that what Christmas* is all about?
*I want you all to realize that not once did I spell it "Crissmas". That's because this is QUALITY free Internet comedy, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.