You Are Dumb - Republicans

Bachmann Turnout Overdrive

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 22:25:07 -0500

Wingnuts, 20 October 2008

Memo to Michelle Bachmann: GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY.

Fuck, it's worth a try. Actual true story. Friday morning, workplace political discussion. The topic? That Michelle "Batshit" Bachmann was only four points up on her unfortunately-named Democratic challenger, Elwyn Tinklenberg. That morning, I predicted that if she were to do something incredibly stupid, she might lose. But it couldn't be the usual stupid shit she pulls two times a day. No, this would have to be something monumentally stupid, preferably on camera, preferably reaching a national audience.

From my lips to your non-existent deity or deities' ears. Because that evening, there she was, on Hardball With Mr. Potato Head, calling for a full media investigation into which members of Congress hold un-American beliefs, starting with Barack Obama and not stopping until they're all rooted out. On-camera, for twelve minutes, reaching a national audience, displaying the full range of utter idiocy and bugfuck insanity that we all know Bachmann harbors in her tiny, twisted brain.

Here's the short version of how it went down. Bachmann was there to push the Ayers story and act like there's a ton of stuff out there about the Obama/Ayers relationship that we don't know. This is, of course, a lie, but it's one of the lies Republicans are freely being allowed to tell this election, so that's OK. But then she took it one notch farther on the great wingnut belt. She dipped her toes into the conspiracy theory that Obama has been shaped all his life by radical anti-Americans, from Wright to Ayers to a whole list of other names that you usually see in all caps on a comments page.

And Chris Matthews, who has recently taken up pretending to be a journalist as a hobby, noticed that Bachmann was sitting on the other side of the Acceptably Crazy/Unacceptably Crazy wall, and decided to actually spell out the shit she was implying. This is traditionally done by cable news journalists to allow the politician to step back from the abyss. Having given everyone a nice long look at what they want to say, but can't, they then say "Of course I don't mean that, Chris. I'm just saying that the American people have a right..."

But Michelle Bachmann is, as we've noted many times before in this space, SUPER DUMB. So when confronted with the question of whether she was calling liberals, including her fellow members of Congress, anti-American, she leapt in with both feet. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Absolutely. I'm very concerned that he may have anti-American views. That's what the American people are concerned about. That's why they want to know what his answers are. That's why Joe the plumber has figured so highly in the last few days... You'd have to ask them, Chris. I'm focusing on Barack Obama and the people that he's been associating with... What I would say -- what I would say is that the news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look. I wish they would. I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out, are they pro-America or anti-America? I think people would love to see an expose like that."

I didn't think she could pull it off, but she did. She actually broke her own individual record in the hundred-meter stupid, which has stood uncontested for MONTHS. And when you add in the blatant lie denial, ("I'm not saying his views are anti-American. That's a mis-reading of what I said.") and the truly epic electoral consequences, she may actually have broken the world record. And oh, what consequences they are.

First, when this broke wide, the left-wing blogs started sending money to Elwyn Tinklenberg. He got half a million dollars in 24 hours. Which, for a low-profile House race, is a huge, huge amount, and with luck, he'll use it to get some ads on the air in the final weeks of the race. But it gets better. ACTUAL NOT-BACHMANN QUOTE TIME!

"Thank you for your support in helping me lead the charge in Minnesota’s 6th Congressional District against the destructive neocon ideology that has mired the United States in an unnecessary war in Iraq at a cost of thousands of American lives, hundreds of billions in taxpayer dollars, and untold damage to the international stature of the United States of America. And, as if incumbent Rep. Michele Bachmann’s enthusiastic support for these policies is not damaging enough, she now appears to be calling for a witch hunt to 'find out [which members of Congress] are pro-America or anti-America.' We cannot tolerate this festering brand of neo-McCarthyism in our midst."

That rabid anti-american leftist is REPUBLICAN Aubrey Immelman, who tried to unseat Bachmann in the primary, and who is encouraging Republicans in her district to write in his name instead of voting for her. It's like Christmas in October, and every present Bachmann opens launches a spring-loaded pie into her face. If this actually gets Michelle Bachmann out of Congress, I swear, I'm going to declare October 17 an official YAD holiday and celebrate it every year.

May Be Racist

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 22:18:18 -0500

Republicans, 13 October 2008

Memo to Bobby May: YOU ARE A RACIST PIGFUCKER.

One important thing always to keep in mind about Republicans is that while they profess a belief in trickle-down economics, what they really believe in is trickle-down politics. And not just the thin stream of urine that runs down their pant legs every time they see a turban. No, this is more like the water cycle, where a trickle becomes a stream becomes a creek becomes a river becomes a torrent. The farther you get from the source, the more there is, but there's no denying the source.

John McCain is a trickle. He says Obama has troubling associations. Sarah Palin is a stream. She says Obama sees America differently from the rest of us. Bobby May is a river, and says that after Obama gets elected, he'll send America's money to Africa so that the rest of his goat-herding family can get rich. Not in a racist way, mind. Bobby May wouldn't want you to think he's some racist Virginian pigfucker. After all, we all learned in the 70s that racism is bad, right? He's just being satirical when he participates in today's exciting installment of ACTUAL PIGFUCKER QUOTE TIME!

"DRUG CRISIS: Raise taxes to pay for free drugs for Obama's inner-city political base... 2ND AMENDMENT: Under Obama will only apply to gang-bangers, illegal aliens, Islamo-Fascist terrorists, and Senator Jim Webb's aide... NATIONAL ANTHEM: Change to the "Black National Anthem" by James Weldon Johnson. And raise taxes." - Items from May's "The (Clarified) Platform of Barack Hussein Obama", which the Buchanan County bi-weekly rag "The Voice" inexplicably saw fit to publish.

You may notice that racist pigfucker Bobby May uses the words "raise taxes" a lot in his racist pigfucker column. That's because the racist pigfucker decided on "raise taxes" as his Official Comedy Repetition Item, the one thing the racist pigfucker would say over and over again to perhaps imply that he, as a racist pigfucker, felt that Barack Obama, a black man, would raise taxes. Especially on racist pigfuckers. Comedy repetition is a valid technique, but it must be handled carefully - in the hands of a racist pigfucker, it can just come off as grating and whiny.

How racist is Bobby May? Check out this entry:

"THE WHITE HOUSE: Hire rapper Ludacris to "paint it black." Taxes to be increased to buy enough paint to do the job plus spray-paint for graffiti." Seriously, if scientists could study the compression algorithms May used to get as much racism into this sentence as he could, we'd never have to buy bigger hard drives again. We start with Obama liking rap music, because all black people like the rap music. Now, Ludacris actually cut a pro-Obama track that includes the line "paint the White House black". By taking Ludacris literally, May thinks that black people are incapable of metaphors. And then, of course, because black people love graffiti, they won't just stop at black paint, they'll cover the White House in their filthy gangbanger tags. Oh, and they'll make white people pay for it all.

Of course, May isn't a bigot of a single color. He hates the entire rainbow - taking shots at gays ("Give tax breaks for NAMBLA membership fees"), Muslims ("Replace 50 stars with a star and crescent logo"), foreigners ("Extended franchise to the French, English and especially the Germans"), and gays again ("abolishing the 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy, replacing it with 'A queer in every foxhole and a camouflage sex toy in every backpack'". At least with that last one, we know what kind of gay porn Bobby May secretly downloads off the Internet at home.

But the best part of the whole column to me isn't the rampant pigfuckery. No, it's the last paragraph, which is so chest-thumpingly overcompensatory I suspect Bobby May may actually be a eunuch:

"If Barack Obama a/k/a 'The Great One' or 'The New Messiah' takes issue with any of the above then I dare him to meet me on County Talk next Friday to debate his plans to divide and conquer America and change Liberty and Freedom to Socialism and Communism."

Oh, you stud. What a challenge. Barack Obama, running for leader of the free world, is just going to notice your pile of crap in your pile of crap bi-weekly newspaper in your pile of crap county and head right down there to take on your super-awesome debating skills. I guarantee May has replayed this fantasy debate, where he exposes Obama for the Muslocommie terrorist-loving tax-loving traitor that he is, and then is carried out of the County Talk studios on the shoulders of the townspeople, to the house of the prettiest girl in Buchanan County, where he has hot sweaty sex with a gay soldier. It's especially hilarious when you contrast it with the reality of what happened less than a week later:

"I offer a sincere apology to anyone that I may have offended with anything that I've written when expressing my personal opinions. Effective immediately, I have resigned my position as McCain Campaign Buchanan County Chair."

Way to stick it to those black communists, pigfucker.

Speakably Vile

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 22:05:55 -0500

Racism, 2 October 2008

Memo to conservatives: STOP LOOKING FOR NEW LOWS.

I'm guessing you, as a casual observer of politics, thinks that as games go, the "blame game" is easy to play. Just blame someone else! But it's not that simple. Like anything, there are tweaks and nuances you can use to elevate the blame game from a garden-variety tactic to an insidious art form of evil.

One such tactic is to blame someone shortly before or after denouncing the blame game. This week, John McCain got this down to two sentences. Legend says that if any politician manages to decry the blame game while blaming their opponent for playing the blame game in a single sentence, anarchy will reign across the land.

But the most important part of playing the blame game is finding the right person to blame. If you're casting the blame, you want to blame someone as far away as the guy who did it, YOU, as you can possibly manage. And if that person can't respond, it's even better. And if it's an entire group of people, none of whom can respond, well, that's when you get into art. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"And I quote. While President Carter in 1977 signed the Community Reinvestment Act, which pushed Fannie and Freddie to aggressively lend to minority communities, it was President Clinton who supercharged the process. After entering office in 1993, he extensively rewrote Fannie's and Freddie's rules. And in doing so, he turned the two quasi-private, mortgage-funding firms into a semi-nationalized monopoly that dispensed cash to markets, made loans to large Democratic voting blocs and handed favors, jobs and money to political allies. This potential mix led inevitably to corruption and the Fannie-Freddie collapse. The rewrite that was done, back in 2000, made getting a satisfactory CRA rating harder. Banks were given strict new numerical quotas and measures for the level of "diversity" in their loan portfolios. Getting a good CRA rating was key for a bank that wanted to expand or merge with another. So loans started being made on the basis of race, and often little else." - Michelle "Batshit Crazy" Bachmann, Minnesota's worst congresscritter, quoting from Terry "Not The Intentionally Funny One" Jones' wingnut article in Investor's Business Daily.

The context was, of course, the current financial crisis. Jones' point, which Bachmann went out of her way to read into the record, is that progressive policies to reduce racial discrimination in lending led to the subprime mortgage crisis by rewarding banks for lending money to brown people. When the brown people, being lazy and shiftless, failed to pay the money back, BOOM, crisis!

If it weren't so fucking appalling, you'd almost have to admire it. Here you have quite possibly the single greatest fuckup by rich, powerful white conservatives in the history of rich, powerful white conservatives, and who do the rich, powerful white conservatives throw the blame on? Poor, powerless, melanin-rich beneficiaries of liberalism. Never mind that banks participating in the Community Reinvestment bank have fewer bad mortgages than banks like Bear Stearns and WaMu, or insurers like AIG, who didn't participate in the program. This isn't about facts, this is about blaming those at the bottom for the excesses of those at the top.

It's the same shit they pulled after Katrina, which is just barely hanging in the top five biggest fuckups by rich, powerful white conservatives. Bush was having birthday cake with John McCain. Michael Brown went out to dinner. The response was botched, the rebuilding is still botched, and whose fault was it? The lazy, looting, poor minorities who didn't get out when we told them to, of course! Why, you'd think that they mistrusted rich powerful white people for some reason!

Now, this is pretty fucking reprehensible. But it is possible to take this concept and ramp it up to a point where it moves beyond reprehensible to a level of redonkulousness worthy of a jaw-dropping, silent stare? I believe it is.

"I really thought this was a joke, but it’s not. WaMu’s final press release, before it sank beneath the waves: 'WaMu Recognized as Top Diverse Employer—Again... The Human Rights Campaign, the largest national gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (GLBT) civil rights organization, also awarded WaMu its second consecutive 100 percent score in the organization’s 2009 Corporate Equality Index (CEI), which measures progress in attaining equal rights for GLBT employees and consumers.'" - A post by Mark Krikorian at National Review Online.

Krikorian denied that he was implying Washington Mutual's diversity policies were the cause of its downfall - a claim that would be a lot easier to believe if I didn't now tell you the TITLE of his blog post: "Cause and Effect?". One thing you may notice about that title - it includes both the words "Cause" and "Effect", and references a common concept called "cause and effect" in which a cause leads directly to, or "causes", an effect. So, you know. Fuck his douchebag backpedaling right in its hate-hole.

If you're wondering why they're pulling this shit, it's very simple. They did it. They know they did it. They're pretty sure you know they did it, and they're pretty sure you're pissed off that they did it. And they're hoping to distract enough of us so that when we finally save up enough to head down to the hardware store for tar and pitchforks, they've got a chance in hell of surviving. It's a good strategy if you judge it on effectiveness and leave the ethical taint out of the equation entirely.

Oh, and when we suggest that maybe rich people are hurting poor people and should be stopped from doing that, you know what they call it? Class warfare. Thanks, douchebags!

Preventing Door/Ass Intersection

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 22:26:28 -0500

Republicans, 19 September 2008

Memo to The Lady Lynn Forrester De Rothschild: YOU ARE DUMB.

Depending on your habits, personal outlook, hobbies, and where you are in your personal life journey, you may have had a fairly sharp reaction to my opening salvo. For example, if you have fond but distant childhood memories of watching the Land of Make-Believe on Mr. Rogers as a child, you may be thinking I'm a bastard. If you spend your spare time writing Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves fanfic, you may be wondering how I managed to get into your My Documents folder.

And if you're a high-profile defector from the Democratic Party throwing your support behind John McCain, you're much too busy in your new role as the living, breathing anthropomorphic incarnation of right-wing reality-denying double-standard hypocritical fuckery to read my little column. Which is a shame, because I wanted to wish you well on your new career as a Republican shill. About the only question I can think to ask is why it took so long?

The Lady Lynn Forrester De Rothschild is not, as far as I know, one of the villains in Caddyshack. I cannot say with confidence that she was not a villain in any of the Caddyshack sequels, whether theatrically released or direct-to-video, but I think it's unlikely. She could be, though. She's 54 years old, and was already obscenely rich ten years ago, having made around $100 million dollars in the telecom industry before meeting and marrying the now 77-year-old Sir Evelyn Rothschild after they were introduced at - and I must insert the obligatory promise that I shit you not here - the Bilderberg conference by Henry Fucking Kissinger.

I'm not saying that all rich people are unrepentant dickweeds. Warren Buffett's OK, the Google guys are cool, and even Bill Gates is a repentant dickweed. But there is something about a multimillionaire who weds a British banking scion nearly a quarter century her senior, whom she met at an event infamous in conspiracy circles for its secret control of global events, as a match made by one of the world's biggest unprosecuted war criminals. Something that reeks of evil.

But this epic pile of upwardly-mobile stereotype claims to have been a lifelong Democrat and Hillary supporter, and so when she came out in support of Gramps McIHATESPAIN, it was big news. But why would she do it? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I believe that Barack Obama, with MoveOn.org and Nancy Pelosi and Howard Dean, has taken the Democratic Party _ and they will continue to _ too far to the left. I'm not comfortable there."

I can only imagine the list of places Lady Lynn Forrester de Rothschild is uncomfortable. Taco Bell, I'd bet. Sam's Club. Commercial aircraft. But Pelosi and Obama as crazed radical far-lefties? MoveOn.org, the group founded to help her bestest friend Hillary Clinton? There must be something else to it. Let's check in with an editorial she wrote for the People's Socialist Newspaper of Record on September 11.

"If Barack Obama loses the presidential election, it may well be the result of a public perception that he is detached and elitist -- a politician whose expressions of empathy for hard-working Americans stem more from abstract solidarity than a real connection to the lives of millions of citizens." - Lady de Rothschild, in the Wall Street Journal."

But wait, you think. Lady de Rothschild's crazy money, incredible lifestyle, and the very strong likelihood that she penned those words on a Swarovki Crystal-studded laptop on her private jet flying from her London home to her New York home seems to sit in direct contradiction to her criticism of Barack Obama (who has never, ever been invited to join the Bilderberg Group) as an elitist. But you would be wrong. Lade Lynn Forrester de Rothschild, whose husband is British and named Evelyn, has it covered.

"While Obama supporters attempt to dismiss the charges about their candidate's perceived hauteur, they confuse privilege and elitism. Elitism is a state of mind, a view of the world that cannot be measured simply by one's net worth, position or number of houses."

Well, that is seriously fucking convenient. Hell, under that definition, -I- could be an elitist. OK, bad example. But still, you've got to marvel, jaw agape, at the platinum balls it must take to gerrymander a definition of elitism that lets de Rothschild off the hook while skewering Obama. The rest of her editorial is McCain supporter boilerplate - Obama's "Greek columns" at the convention, Sarah Palin's working mother street cred, oh, and let's not forget that John McCain was a POW, so he can have as many houses as he wants.

Well, Lady Lynn Forrester de Rothschild, go fuck yourself. Is that "common people" enough for you? You claim you're not switching parties, but please do. You've been a Republican for a long time, and you might as well run with it, because I don't think we're gonna let you hang out in our clubhouse when you're not hobnobbing with Kissinger. Oh, you may SAY you're pro-choice, but it sure is easy to support Sarah Palin and lie to yourself that she's a centrist when you're menopausal and the only thing that comes out of your husband's dick is a small cloud of stale Earl Grey powder.

I'd tell you not to let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, but I'm assuming you've got people for that.

May The Schwartz Be With You

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 08:03:08 -0500

Republicans, 17 September 2008

Memo to Gabriel Nathan Schwartz: YOU ARE DUMB.

How great a day was yesterday? Holy shit! First, thanks to a link from Crooks and Liars, something like 20,000 people saw You Are Dumb Dot Net for the first time. Hi! Hope you stuck around, because today brings a whole new kind of bingo. Not only did the site get swamped, but I found the new Rock Band wireless drums. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I had my first ever schadengasm.

I'm serious. Make sure you're sitting comfortably and are wearing stain-proof pants, because I'm pretty sure when you hear about this, you're going to have a schadengasm too. Remember the Republican National Convention? You know, a couple of weeks ago, here in Minneapolis, where we invited America's Whitest Douchebags into our restaurants, hotels, and sporting arenas, in the hopes that between hate rallies, they'd leave behind a bit of money for the local economy?

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Gabriel Nathan Schwartz came all the way from Denver to be one of Colorado's delegates to the Republican National Convention. To sit proudly with his fellow Coloradans, waving oversized American flags while Sarah Palin made fun of community organizers. That's all he wanted. Well, that's not actually all he wanted, but it's most of what he wanted. Well, OK, it can't actually be most of what he wanted, because when Sarah Palin was up there charming the pants off small-town America, Gabriel Nathan Schwartz was getting the pants charmed off him in the new luxurious Ivy Hotel in downtown Minneapolis.

According to police reports - and seriously, hold on to your fucking armrests and maybe put a wallet in your mouth, because this is about to reach horse-fucking levels of awesome - Schwartz met a babe in the hotel bar, and invited her up to his room. She accepted. They went upstairs. She fixed some drinks and told him to get nekkid. And the next thing the 29-year-old delegate remembers is waking up. The woman? Gone. Between $50,000 and $120,000 of his stuff? Also gone.

Now I know what you're thinking. Yes, Republicans suck, but that's not enough to openly celebrate the drugging and robbing of one who was just looking for a little female companionship that wasn't wearing glasses and shooting moose. And that's fair. Luckily, I can assuage all your inclinations for sympathy so you can revel in the woman who brought balance to the Schwartz. Let's take a look at what was stolen, according to police. ACTUAL LIST TIME!

"The haul included a $30,000 watch, a $20,000 ring, a necklace valued at $5,000, earrings priced at $4,000 and a Prada belt valued at $1,000, police said." - St. Paul Pioneer Press.

Two things jump immediately out at me. First, a $30,000 watch? FUCK THAT GUY. Even if he is to be believed and the stuff wasn't worth as much as police said, that's still a really expensive watch. Past the "I need to know what time it is" price, past the "man this watch is cool" price, past the "showing off" price, and well into "I have to tell you how much my watch cost because I'm a douchebag" price.

And second, as the article points out, Schwartz is a single attorney. So what the fuck were expensive earrings, an expensive necklace, and a Prada belt doing in his hotel room to be stolen in the first place? Either Schwartz is one hell of an accessorizer, or there's even more to this story than meets the eye.

Still, just the act of throwing around wads of cash on useless and/or inexplicable stuff is not quite enough to allow us to reach the heights of schadengasm. If only Schwartz were in possession of some truly odious right-wing political opinions. The kind of thing that the GOP Elders never talk about except in back rooms. Ideally, these opinions would be expressed in the most frat-boy asshole way possible. And if we could, maybe throw in some lines full of sweet, sweet retroactive irony. What's that, you say? Is your $30,000 watch telling you that it's ACTUAL QUOTE TIME?

"Less taxes and more war... more war... Iran, baby! [Bomb Iran] to protect Israel. Hopefully just bomb the hell out of them from the sky, no troops. We should plant a flag, take the oil, take the money. We deserve reimbursement. Just do strategical air strikes. Take out their nuclear* facilities. Simple... We could use slingshots and beat 'em, I'm sure." - Schwartz, answering the questions of a reporter from LinkTV.

Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. Right there. You can say a lot of things about the woman who ripped off Gabriel Nathan Schwartz, but you cannot deny that she did, in the end, provide an INTENSE feeling of satisfaction.

*And if you're wondering how he pronounced it, you're absolutely correct.

Modus Operandi, 2008 Edition

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 21:48:17 -0500

John McCain, 11 September 2008

Memo to John McCain: I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

Two and a half years ago, I described the standard modus operandi of the Bush administration. Summarized, this modus operandi was to first do something wrong, then avoid being caught doing it for as long as you can, then avoid admitting you were doing it as long as you can, and then admit you were doing it, but call it "old news" because you'd stalled so long.

But there's a new game in town, a much simpler and more brazen tactic in play. Dubya's been using it for a while now, and if Campaign 2008 is any indication, Gramps McGrumps has not only embraced it wholeheartedly - he's ramping it up in exciting new ways. More of the same, plus more of the more.

The first step is the same, and it comes as naturally to your Bushes, your Mierses, your Roves, your McCains, et al as swimming comes naturally to an eel: do something wrong. Maybe you can ignore a Congressional subpoena. Maybe you can make tens of thousands of legally required e-mails disappear. Maybe you can obstruct an investigation into a completely different time you did something wrong. Doesn't really matter what, the important thing is that you do something wrong.

Step two is to get caught. This seems counterintuitive, but it is vitally important to the process that everyone knows exactly what you did. Obfuscation is unnecessary. Oh, sure, to save face, you can come up with a paper-thin excuse for what you're doing, like "executive privilege", but it's not important. What's important is step three.

Step three is simple. DO IT AGAIN. If they send you another subpoena, ignore that one too. If they demand you comply, ignore that. Keep doing it. Dare them to stop you. Dare them to even try. Because they won't. They'll ask again, and you can ignore them again. McCain has learned this technique well.

On four separate occasions now, Gramps used a song at a campaign event or in an advertisement. Each time, the artists he used - Van Halen, Jackson Browne, John Mellencamp, and Heart - told him to stop. YouTube videos were pulled. Lawsuits were filed. News stories were written. And McCain just did it again. And now? Every time Sarah Palin comes out on stage, it's to Heart's "Barracuda". McCain says they've licensed it, but that's just more "executive privilege", isn't it? He keeps doing it, dares people to make him stop, and nobody does.

Or the bullshit claim that Sarah Palin rejected the "Bridge to Nowhere". There's VIDEO of her holding upa a T-Shirt that says "Nowhere, Alaska" on it and talking about how great the bridge is. It's such a lie that even the Wall Street Journal doesn't believe it. So she keeps saying it, daring people to make her stop, and nobody does.

That's what we're voting on here, when it comes right down to it. It's not about issues, it's not about policy, it's whether the President of the United States is, or should be, someone who recognizes the power of any external authority whatsoever. Or is he someone who defies all attempts to keep him in check, giving the finger to anyone who dares keep him from whatever the fuck he wants.

Well, that, or it's about who said "lipstick on a pig" the most times. But either way, I'm sure we'll pick a fine leader when November rolls around.

Virginia Is For Straight Lovers

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 22:47:10 -0500

Republicans, 5 September 2008

Memo to Melissa Busse: YOU ARE DUMB.

Have I mentioned how much I loooooooove Republicans? I will admit, my columns from earlier in the week may have hinted at a certain antipathy towards my suck-ass retarded brethren on the other, wrong side of the political aisle, but the week's over, the convention's over, let's all just let bygones be bygones, you brutally insipid fucks.

Sure, you've spent the last week in what I consider my territory, even if I haven't quite managed to mark the entire 494/694 loop with my urine. And sure, you spent the entire time here being assholes and lying and yelling. And sure, one of you was Joe Motherfucking Lieberman, who I knew was one of you before he knew he was one of you. But what the hell. I'm willing to forgive if you're willing to get the fuck out and stay the fuck out. Let's just go back to our old, comedically acrimonious relationship.

For example, we could take a look at Virginia, specifically the lieutenant governor's office, specifically aide Melissa Busse, who reviewed a guidebook they bought for 150 members of the Virginia delegation and found it wanting. Or at least found it the wrong kind of wanting. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Having a section dedicated solely to GLBT will be a BIG problem for many of our folks. We simply can't hand them out." - Busse, in a letter to Rake Publishing, the people behind "Secrets Of The City", a travel guide to Minneapolis.

Gotta love it. Apparently, one section of a book about Minneapolis mentions the things that gay people might like to do while they're here, and the 150 or so delegates from Virginia are apparently going to completely lose their shit if they see it. Once again, the brave warriors of the GOP, defending us from the Muslim hordes and the Mexican infiltration and the dreaded ANGRY LEFT, are undone by the awesome power of homo eye cooties.

What was Busse thinking? That merely glancing at listings for drag shows would make the delegates' retinas want to have sex with dudes? I don't read a lot of travel guides, but I'm pretty sure there's all kinds of shit in those I don't want to do. Like antiquing. Pick up any travel guide to any city in the world, and I bet it'll have antique shops in it. If I buy one of those and read it, I'm not going to show up in the city craving clock. Even if it's a long, hard, glistening, well-built grandfather clock. Even if the guide describes in detail how much I'd enjoy having that clock. I'm still not gonna walk the streets of that city looking for clock once I get there.

But apparently I'm not as susceptible to temptation as the Virginia GOP delegation. Apparently they have to be protected from the very knowledge of the very existence of GLBT-oriented entertainment here in the Twin Sin Cities, lest they never make it out of the airport bathrooms to cast their votes for Gramps McGrumps. The lieutenant governor, who says he disagrees with his aide's decision, is still going to pay for the guides, which is kind of him. This way everybody wins. The Rake gets their money, the Xcel Center gets its delegates, and we get yet another classic example of Republican homochondria as they sail off into the sunset.

Why Republicans Suck: Part Two

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 22:39:01 -0500

Republicans, 4 September 2008

Memo to Republicans: YOU ARE DUMB.

And you suck. You suck so much you keep distracting me from talking about how much you suck because you keep finding new and fascinating ways of sucking. But dammit, it's the final day of the RNC, and I'll be damned if I let you slink out of town without a few more rhetorical arrows aimed at your prodigious and pasty asses.

Again, I must insist, this is not about policy differences. Yeah, policy differences are important, but if that's all there were, politics as we know it would cease to exist, possibly bringing about Utopia in our lifetimes. This is about tactics. This is about the rules of argument, the level of discourse, and the willingness to bend and break same until someone calls them on it, and usually afterwards.

On Tuesday we discussed the spite issue, but spite alone isn't particularly efficient on its own. Spite needs a lubricant, or perhaps an enzyme, that lets the spite keep working week after month after year. That enzyme is the almighty double standard, sometimes known by the more derogatory name "hypocrisy".

Stop right there. I know your train of thought. Of course Democrats are hypocrites. Especially Democratic politicians. They're hypocrites a lot. That's not what I'm talking about. Democratic hypocrisy is almost entirely minor-league, individual, and a product of the environment, and more importantly, they have the common decency to at least ACT chagrined when they're called out on it.

But for Republicans, the double-standard is an art form. Institutionalized, internalized, deliberate, brazen, and celebrated. Why? Because they know it works, and they know they won't get in any serious trouble for it. Political benefits without political consequences? Of COURSE they'll keep the most ludicrous hypocrisies in their toolbox. Get a load of this from Lindsey Graham over the weekend. It is, inevitably, about Sarah Palin, but his defense of Palin turns into a criticism of Obama that shows the mighty double-standard in action. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"When you look at her resume as Governor, versus his resume as Senator, he's been gone more than he's been here."

A damning criticism indeed. Sure, Obama's been a senator for more than twice as long as Palin's been a governor, but if he's been spending all his time campaigning for President instead of voting on Senate bills, then that seriously discredits his claims of experience. It's a powerful argument, and it becomes even MORE powerful when you don't actually look at the numbers for both Senators running for President this year:

Barack Obama: Present for 54.5% of votes in the 110th Congress (2007-now).
John McCain: Present for 36.2% of votes in the 110th Congress.

Graham gets a two-fer! First, he's wrong - going by votes, Obama has been there just slightly longer than he's been gone. But if skipping out on votes in favor of campaigning is such a bad thing, why isn't Lindsey Graham even more upset with John "One In Three" McCain? Because that would be a single-standard, and Graham doesn't roll like that. And if you try to tell him he SHOULD roll like that, well, he'll laugh in your fucking face, then go back to the secret Republican clubhouse, tell them what you said, and they'll all laugh at you too.

Why? Because George Stephanopolous, host of ABC's This Week on which Graham was appearing, didn't stop him and tell him he was being a hypocrite. And the next time Lindsey Graham wants to appear on This Week, Lindsey Graham will appear on This Week. His constituents won't know and won't care that he was full of shit. Stephanopolous won't care that he's full of shit. There is no incentive for Lindsey Graham to lower his total shit level.

This plays out CONSTANTLY. I could devote the entire column, every day, to pointing out the contradictions, double-standards, and hypocrisy spewed forth from talk radio all the way up to the White House, but what's the point? They know they're doing it. We know they're doing it. And without a huge shift in the rules of play, they'll keep finding new and more egregious ways of doing it. Because they suck.

And Palin Was Her Name-O

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 19:26:39 -0500

Republicans, 3 September 2008

By semipopular semidemand, Sarah Palin Bingo is now a stylish T-Shirt design. Felt counters not included.

Welcome, Crooks and Liars readers, to my tiny corner of the Internet. Feel free to explore the rest of the site and archives. I cannot guarantee that my comedy polemics will arrive in easy-to-digest BINGO form all the time, but I hope you like it anyway.

Memo to my readers: I AM HERE FOR YOU.

We interrupt our regular coverage of the Republican National Convention with this important public service. Have you been having a difficult time keeping track of the myriad problems, controversies, and character flaws exposed when John McCain nominated Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his vice-president? Well, when life hands you stupid lemons, make stupid lemonade. Turn your confusion into a fun party game with SARAH PALIN BINGO.

Offered exclusively from your friends at You Are Dumb Dot Net, SARAH PALIN BINGO lets you play along with your favorite cable news broadcast. Just get some tokens, watch the reporting, and mark off every scandal or horrifying policy position that gets mentioned! Get five in a row and you win! Plus, as a special bonus, since she's his "soul mate", John McCain is giving you the center square just for playing.

If you'd like to print out the gameboard, feel free to click on it for a PDF version. Amuse your friends and annoy your enemies with SARAH PALIN BINGO.

NOTE: One game of SARAH PALIN BINGO should take one hour on MSNBC, three hours on CNN, and up to a month or more on FOX News.

Due to the ever-increasing flood of information regarding Sarah Palin's fuckwittery, this edition of Sarah Palin Bingo is only current as of 12:00 p.m., Tuesday, September 2. Additional scandals, such as claiming to have visited Ireland when her plane only stopped there to refuel, may be addressed in the future.

Why Republicans Suck: RNC Edition

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 08:09:11 -0500

Republicans, 2 September 2008

Memo to Republicans: YOU SUCK.

It's Day One and a Half of the Republican National Convention, which I'm assuming it will be kicking into gear now that Gustav is slowing down and the attendant posturing becomes less and less necessary. So it's time to talk about why Republicans suck.

And when I say that Republicans suck, I don't mean that I disagree with their policies. I do disagree with their policies, largely on the grounds of them being stupid and wrong, but that's an entirely separate issue from their sucky, sucky suckiness. Sure, it would be easy to point out how, say, Sarah Palin's support for abstinence-only education has backfired spectacularly into the womb of her 17-year-old unmarried daughter, but that's not my goal here. I'm talking about specific aspects of the GOP's tactics that, to put it as plainly as I possibly can, suck a donkey's wide-stanced ball-sack.

Case in point: Republican politics is driven almost entirely by spite. You would think, this week, there would be masses of fat white men in suits with horrifying scars in the middle of their faces. Republicans are willing to oppose things just because Democrats support them, and oppose them proportionately to the level of public support Democrats get for them. Look what happened after "An Inconvenient Truth" came out. The more attention Al Gore got, the mor rabid and hysterical the right-wing noise machine became.

And they are willing to take it to levels of self-parody that would kill an ordinary human. If you watched The Colbert Report, you saw Stephen Colbert try to run his microwave oven all week long in order to counter the DNC's attempt to have a "green" convention and minimize its carbon footprint. Funny stuff, yes. Parody, no. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"What can you to help? Take part in our carbon ONset program. We are asking you to make just a few small sacrifices to completely wipe out any potential energy savings the Democrats claim credit for... Use more energy for mother nature. Do it for the earth (or more accurately, the people living on it... Now, how many, how many extra miles can you pledge? Can you drive five extra miles a day? Can you take the long way home, the long way to work? Can you just warm up your car? I know it’s August. Can you cool down your car? Can you get up like you do in the winter and just start your car?" - Glenn Beck, on his radio show.

That's spite. Pure, unbridled spite. It doesn't even make any sense. If the Democrats have a green convention, that doesn't affect Glenn Beck at all. He's not going. None of his listeners are going. If the Democrats save some energy, then they save some energy. Whee. But since the Democrats are doing it, Republicans have to do the opposite.

And apparently, the opposite of saving energy is WASTING energy. Not just using more energy. Not burning dinosaur drippings to produce something of even momentary use. Not to make art, or build something. Just waste it idling your car or doing loops around the block in your SUV. It's not a statement of policy like he tries to pretend it is. If he was interested, as the right so often claims, that people will suffer because of energy conservation, then counter the Democratic energy savings by actually alleviating some fucking suffering.

Spite, on the other hand, requires nothing more than spite. As one wise man put it, what Beck's engaging in is the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes. If the Democrats had been smart, they'd have announced that, thanks to a new pilot program, the Democratic National Convention would be 100% free of people committing ritual suicide with melon ballers. Then Glenn Beck could go on his radio show and start the kind of counter-programming I can really get behind. Melon ballers for EVERYBODY!

Thinking Problem

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 22:41:43 -0500

Republicans, 8 August 2008

Memo to David Zucker and Stephen Hayes: I'LL NEVER BE OVER HOW DUMB YOU ARE.

Yesterday, we began our own special making-of commentary on the Weekly Standard's right-wing fellation of David Zucker and his new movie, "An American Carol". In "Carol", the ghost of General Patton attempts to guide a bad Michael Moore parody away from left-wing, terrorist-abetting activism and toward the proper, moral, upright American way of fearing and shooting brown people.

Yesterday, I offered up a few examples of the lame-ass "satire" Zucker is going for here, but there is one other scene that deserves a quick crushing. Let's keep in mind that the beloved Zucker Bros. comedies of the 80's didn't start out particularly fucking subtle. Add a couple of decades to that, plus the Dennis Miller defunnification factor that automatically comes with a post-9/11 political shift, and what have you got? This:

"In the film, a rotund comedian named Rosie O'Connell makes an appearance on The O'Reilly Factor to promote her documentary, The Truth About Radical Christians. O'Reilly shows a clip, which opens with a pair of priests walking through an airport--as seen from pre-hijacking surveillance video--before boarding the airplane. Once on board, they storm the cockpit using crucifixes as their weapon of choice."

See? Rosie O'Donnell said radical Christians were as dangerous as radical Muslims, so Zucker has Rosie O'Connell saying that radical Christians act exactly like one particular bunch of radical Muslims acted seven years ago. Which is such a ridiculous strawman I can only assume Zucker's secret inner fantasy is to remake "The Wizard Of Oz".

But let's set the movie aside for a second. There are two other aspects of this article that make it so awesomely bad. First is the loving attention given to the bravery and importance of the "Friends Of Abe". Named after Abraham Lincoln, it's a regular meeting, circle jerk, and group therapy session for Hollywood conservatives. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Such revelations are common occurrences at the periodic meetings of the secret society of Hollywood conservatives known as the "Friends of Abe." The group, with no official membership list and no formal mission, has been meeting under the leadership of Gary Sinise (CSI New York, Forrest Gump) for four years. Zucker had spent a year working on a film with Christopher McDonald without learning anything about his politics. Shortly after the film wrapped, he ran into McDonald, best known as Shooter McGavin from Adam Sandler's Happy Gilmore, at one of these informal meetings."

Where to begin? First of all, any group mentioned in the Weekly Standard and dozens upon dozens of Google pages is the worst fucking secret society ever. Second, any secret society with no schedule, no member list, and no goals is the worst fucking secret society ever. And third, any secret society where the big insider info you get is that the guy from Happy Gilmore likes Bush is the worst fucking secret society ever. Why are these people so scared? They're scared of Muslims, they're scared of Hollywood liberals, they're scared of being associated with modern Republicanism... why not call yourselves the Friends of Ronnie? Why do you have to go back to the 1860's to find a respectable member of the Republican Party?

The other great thing about this article is the ridiculous, almost casual bias that author Hayes throws in unbidden. He treats his transitions like a wingnut talking point Mad Libs. It's awe-inspiring devotion to a moronic cause.

"But Zucker's film... is once again reviving hope that conservatives will have a battalion in this exceedingly influential battleground of the broader culture war. - I love how wingnuts militarize everything so that they can serve just like soldiers without actually, you know, being shot at.

"His brother Jerry remains an unreconstructed liberal and recently optioned a sympathetic movie about the life and times of serial fabulist Joe Wilson and his wife, Valerie Plame." - A gratuitous shot at Joe Wilson? Did I die and wake up in Lambert's Personal Hell Circa 2004? Should we bake up a yellowcake to celebrate?

"He contributed another $600 to an outfit called the "Hollywood Women's Political Committee" which, with members like Jane Fonda, Bonnie Raitt, and Barbra Streisand, probably wasn't calling for low taxes and abstinence education." - This, from a lengthy section describing Zucker's liberal past, just drips with the kind of generic, namedropping scorn you can only get from a douchebag at the top of his game. Stephen Hayes, I salute you. Well, it's been called a salute. It involves at least 20% of my hand.

OK, I lied. There is one more thing I have to mention about the movie. It would be incredibly offensive if it weren't so completely fucking ridiculous that I know it doesn't actually apply to anyone who actually exists. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"David Alan Grier plays a slave in a scene designed to show Malone what might have happened if the United States had not fought the Civil War. As Patton explains to a dumbfounded Malone that the plantation they are visiting is his own, Grier thanks the documentarian for being such a humane owner."

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have found the polar opposite of the Rosetta Stone. If we can decipher this paragraph, it will be possible to never understand anything ever again. Anti-war doesn't actually mean anti-Civil War, first of all, which the FUCKING SOUTH STARTED, second of all, so they could keep their slaves, third of all. So if the South had seceded, and the North had acquiesced and not fought, slavery would not only be thriving in the South, but would spread to California (not actually part of the Confederate States, mind) where liberal filmmakers would have adopted the practice wholeheartedly!

If that seems even remotely like a cogent political argument to you, you should probably give Gary Sinise a call. I hear they don't have any volunteers yet to bring the brie and wine coolers to their Rambo marathon in September.

Overly Macho and Grande

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 14:12:40 -0500

Republicans, 7 August 2008

Memo to David Zucker: SURELY, YOU ARE DUMB.

And so is Stephen Hayes of the Weekly Standard, by the way. The two have joined forces to produce what may very well be the defining right-wing puff piece of our generation - a lengthy profile of "Airplane" director David Zucker and the cast of his new movie, "An American Carol".

This thing has it all, I tell you. Persecution complex? Check. Uncritical fawning? Check. Unfounded paranoia? Check. And vivid descriptions of scenes from the movie that accidentally make it clear just how awful it's going to be? Check squared.

You see, David Zucker is a conservative. And not just any conservative, but a piss-stained, post-9/11 conservative convert. These are the most annoying conservatives of all, because they don't have any real convictions. They're just lashing out in the dark, looking for someone to hold them and tell them they'll be safe from the boogeyman... As long as they keep making donations to the GOP, and maybe the occasional ham-handed political satire. They truly put the "reaction" in "reactionary". Take a look at the first scene from "Carol" that Hayes describes.

"Just as the officer pulls on the zipper, however, a small army of ACLU lawyers marches up to the policemen with a stop-search order. The cops look at each other and shrug their shoulders. 'This says we can't search their bags.' The young men are relieved. They smile fiendishly as they walk toward the crowded platform. As the lead terrorist once again slips the backpack over his shoulder, he mutters his appreciation. 'Thank Allah for the ACLU.'"

Yes, the ACLU, pursuing it's crazy, left-wing agenda, is the best friend of terrorists, allowing them to bypass common-sense security measures and kill us all. Yawn. I am so mind-numbingly bored with this weaksauce bullshit. Yet, according to Zucker and Hayes, there's no way I could possibly be bored. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Zucker's latest movie, An American Carol, is unlike anything that has ever come out of Hollywood. It is a frontal attack on the excesses of the American left from several prominent members of a growing class of Hollywood conservatives. Until now, conservatives in Hollywood have always been too few and too worried about a backlash to do anything serious to challenge the left-wing status quo. David Zucker believes we are in a 'new McCarthy era'."

It's pretty fucking amazing how every single time one of these pisscon propaganda pieces come out it's seen as the only movie ever to break the ultra-liberal lockdown in Hollywood. Somehow, despite the New McCarthyism, I've had no problem whatsoever finding people getting paid to say the things Zucker wants to, and currently is, being paid to say. So cry me a fucking river. What other great conservative ideas are the Hollywood bigwigs keeping me from seeing?

"[T]he film follows the exploits of a slovenly, anti-American filmmaker named Michael Malone, who has joined with a left-wing activist group (Moovealong.org) to ban the Fourth of July... When terrorists from Afghanistan realize that they need to recruit more operatives to make up for the ever-diminishing supply of suicide bombers, they begin a search for just the right person to help produce a new propaganda video... When they settle on Malone, who is in need of work after his last film (Die You American Pigs) bombed at the box office, he unwittingly helps them with their plans to launch another attack on American soil."

Wow! I can't believe Zucker is finally getting onto film the subtle imagery of a fat, stupid Michael Moore parody whose liberal beliefs cause him to directly aid America-hating terrorists! I feel so liberated. It's like I'm back in 2004, watching the exact same joke play out in Team America: World Police. Only they had puppets in Team America, so they didn't have to resort to Chris Farley's brother Kevin, who is also, conveniently, a persecuted douchebag.

"There was this dance that we did--a dance familiar to conservative actors in Hollywood. Lots of actors have done it. I usually just bite my tongue unless it gets too ridiculous. The only thing that really bothers me is when they go off about the president. It just gets annoying."

Yes, Kevin. As a Hollywood conservative, you are the only person who's ever had to keep a lid on your beliefs because of imagined retribution from a co-worker or boss with different beliefs. I'm sure all those Wal-Mart employees forced to watch Powerpoint presentations about how voting for Democrats will lead to unions, and unions will destroy Wal-Mart, pity you and your forced silence in Craft Services. What must it have been like, thinking constantly that defending our shit-ass president might cost you your next bit part in a shitty sitcom or direct-to-video movie? You must wake up every night in a cold sweat.

Of course, I'd wake up in a cold sweat too if I knew I was getting my feature film debut because people fondly remember my dead brother AND Larry The Cable Guy couldn't take the part due to scheduling conflicts. When will those particular stars line up again? I wouldn't hold my breath.

TOMORROW: THe saga of "An American Carol" continues, with more drama and more trauma as conservative Hollywood bands together to make conservative movies while complaining they can't make conservative movies.

Why So Stupid?

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 21:54:43 -0500

Republicans, 6 August 2008

Memo to the Wall Street Journal, the entertainment media, Mark White, and Robert Arp: SAME DUMB TIME, SAME DUMB CHANNEL.

How does he get such wonderful quotes? Well, it's all the product of an extensive research and development budget that allows me to manipulate cellphone signals and instantly locate stupidity on a global scale. "The Dark Knight" is a huge success, and like any huge success, will inevitably cause IDIOTS to SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS about it. Here we go.

"Like W, Batman is vilified and despised for confronting terrorists in the only terms they understand. Like W, Batman sometimes has to push the boundaries of civil rights to deal with an emergency, certain that he will re-establish those boundaries when the emergency is past. And like W, Batman understands that there is no moral equivalence between a free society -- in which people sometimes make the wrong choices -- and a criminal sect bent on destruction. The former must be cherished even in its moments of folly; the latter must be hounded to the gates of Hell. - Andrew Klavant, in the Wall Street Journal.

Now, in the week or two since his ridiculous fucking article got posted, Klavant has been, quite justly, mocked along the entire length of the Internet for saying it. But I couldn't do a Batman column without mentioning it, because it's so goddamned stupid. it's not just stupid, it's stupid circa 2003. Even the majority of wingnuts these days don't use the "Dubya as bold leader doing unpopular things to fight the Evil Hordes" framing much anymore.

Klavant, on the other hand, is so delusional he thinks Bush is somehow going to restore civil liberties in the next six months, that he's even bothering to pretend to "confront terrorists" anymore, and that "cherished in moments of folly" isn't just "Love it or leave it, hippie" in a rented suit and a comb-over. Here's a hint, dipfuck. When 78% of the country doesn't even think W's a hero, much less a superhero, it's NOT a parallel to a vigilante unfairly becoming the focus of public scorn. It's just a long line of people slowly coming to their senses, while you march in the other direction hoping against hope that the slag heap they're marching away from has a free buffet.

"...curse..." - IGN, The Telegraph, the LA Times, and countless others.

Look, fuckers, THERE IS NO CURSE. Yes, a camera guy died. Yes, Heath Ledger died. Yes, Christian Bale allegedly beat up his family. And yes, Morgan Freeman got in a car crash. You know what all these things have in common, besides the individuals involved all being in "The Dark Knight"? NOTHING. Stunts go wrong all the time. Actors OD all the time. Car crashes happen all the time. And Bale's alleged domestic abuse isn't some externally-imposed accident, he's just an alleged dickhead.

Maybe the Dawkinsian school of atheism has it wrong by going after the big guns of organized religion. Maybe we should instead start a campaign to eradicate the casual mysticism that permeates every aspect of society we live in. Three bad things happen to three actors from the same movie, and it's a CURSE. Three very bad things happpen to three actors who were never in a movie together, and it's "they always die in threes". The Huffington Fucking Post is running the daily horoscopes of McCain and Obama. Maybe this is the shit we should be eradicating. Maybe we can stop slowly indoctrinating people with the existence of supernatural banality. Of course, try taking the horoscopes out of the daily paper and you'll probably get burned in effigy. Or effigy ascendant, depending on what part of the month it is.

"But if we say that Batman should kill the Joker, doesn't that imply that we should torture terrorism suspects if there's a chance of getting information that could save innocent lives? Of course, terrorism is all too present in the real world, and Batman only exists in the comics and movies. So maybe we're just too detached from the Dark Knight and the problems of Gotham City, so we can say 'go ahead, kill him.' But, if anything, that detachment implies that there's more at stake in the real world - so why aren't we tougher on actual terrorists than we are on the make-believe Joker?" - Mark White and Robert Arp, in the International Herald-Tribune.

Before I delve into some specifics, I'd just like to point out that the above is not logic. It's not reasoning. It bears no resemblance to any of the verbal and mental constructs humans have developed to forge a path between ideas and conclusions. It's just the clumsy juxtaposition of Something People Like and Something I Want. It's the semantic equivalent to "Pie is delicious, so why hasn't anyone given me a Playstation 3?"

Clearly, White and Arp like hurting people and are desperate for a way to feel good about it. How else can you explain their rhetorical backflip from a fictional obsessive vigilante unwilling to violate his own ethical codes even when it would make his life much, much simpler, to a nation deliberately abandoning its moral compass for the illusion of greater safety? It is, as I believe Sigmund Freud put it, "fucked inn der kopf".

These two, by the way, are the authors of "The Philosophy Of Batman: The Dark Knight Of The Soul", which is one more point in my Unified Shit Theory, specifically, the corollary that any book entitled The Blank Of Blank, where the first blank is some intellectual discipline, and the second blank is some nerdy pop culture thing, IS SHIT. The Genetics Of The X-Men? SHIT. The Physics Of Stargate: Atlantis? SHIT. The Epidemiology of Halo 3? SHIT. Stop writing these books, and stop excerpting them in major publications as if they weren't desperate cries for help.

Nocturnal Admissions

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 21:17:58 -0500

Sex, 18 June 2008

Memo to Glenn Murphy, Jr: I GET IT NOW.

I often talk about how Republicans are wrong, when measured objectively against consensual reality. But I now realize that's an oversimplification, and that from the correct viewpoint, Republicans are right about EVERYTHING. As long as that viewpoint looks from the perspective of Republicans at other Republicans. Hear me out.

Tax cuts improve the economy? Well, if you're a Republican, tax cuts improve YOUR economy. Government doesn't work and should be kept as small as possible? Again, when Republicans are in charge of the government, it's hard to argue with that philosophy. Homosexuals are deviant predators who will take any opportunity to indulge their sick lifestyle, and no straight man in their vicinity is safe? Again, apparently true of gay REPUBLICANS. With wide stances.

This brings us to Glenn Murphy Jr. On the one hand, I cannot believe I didn't hear about Murphy's transgression when it happened, last August. On the other hand, hearing about it now, after he's pled guilty, means I can take that irritating but legally useful word, "alleged", set it on fire, and push it out a window. Thanks, due process!

So what, exactly, did Glenn Murphy Jr. do to get arrested for, and plead guilty to, criminal deviate conduct*? Why is he facing two years in jail? You'll love this. He went to a party. He crashed overnight. And the next morning, he climbed out of the bunkbed, and started blowing the guy in the bottom bunk, who was asleep.

Murphy, whose name, ironically, is an onomatopoeic adjective for what you sound like with a dick in your mouth, was the chairman of the Clark County Republican party, and the chairman of the Young Republican National Federation, or "YRNF", which could also be an oral-pleasure sound effect, now that I think about it. Once again, a repressed closet case has to get what he wants in secret, in the morning, under the delusional impression that when the guy wakes up, he'll thank you.

The guy didn't thank him. He did, however, secretly tape Murphy apologizing and begging him not to tell the authorities. Which is the bad judgment icing on the bad judgment cake you bought from the bad judgment bakery in West Bad Judgmentia. And even then, he tried to pass off quitting his Republican jobs as the result of an exciting new business opportunity that "would prohibit him from holding a partisan political position". No, you wouldn't have met this business opportunity. It's in Canada. But I swear, it's totally hot. And not gay at all.

Once again, I offer this advice to closeted gay Republicans: COME OUT ALREADY. Get it over with. Meet a nice guy. Maybe move to California and get married. Settle down. Satisfy your man-craving in the privacy of your own home, and maybe you won't think you can get away with blowing your sleeping acquaintances. And if, after all that, you're still filled with self-loathing and the desire for capital gains tax cuts, there's always the Log Cabin Republicans.

*Don't fucking look at me, that's what the Indiana penal code calls the offense. I don't know why it's not "deviant conduct" either.

Obligatory

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 21:37:18 -0500

Republicans, 2 June 2008

Memo to Scott McClellan: I SAID, NICE TRY, BITCHCAKES.

Everything I said in November, when I was blissfully ahead of the curve, still fucking stands. So why revisit it? Well, the chattering classes have said a lot of shit about his book (due out today) in the past week, and with all the talk about the book, and all the interviews McClellan's giving, and with what's likely to be a very deferential interview with Scotty on The Daily Show tonight, you may find yourself feeling... sympathetic towards Scott McClellan.

It's understandable. I mean, he's being verbally flayed by the administration, who are making sure words like "disgruntled", "traitor", "betrayal", and "Judas" get out there as often as possible. And he's getting savaged by the press, who are cranky because Scott pointed out in his book that the press rolled over and played dead for Dubya during the march to war and beyond. Against such a backdrop, McClellan can't help but look sympathetic by comparison. But do try to resist.

If you take anything from the McClellan book saga, take this: how much has the idea of coming forward, taking responsibility, admitting mistakes, and speaking truth to power been devalued in the past decade that this guy can be credited with all of these things while saying stuff like... well, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I consider him a fundamentally decent person, and I do not believe he or his White House deliberately or consciously sought to deceive the American people." - On Dubya, in his book.

Really, Scott? I mean, you talk about propaganda. You talk about lies. But none of it was deliberate? It just happened by accident, I guess. Lies slipped out, borne of a sincere desire to transform the Middle East into a wellspring of democracy, and if a few pesky aluminum tubes got slandered along the way, well, it wasn't on purpose.

"Over time, as you leave the White House and leave the bubble, you're able to take off your partisan hat and take a clear-eyed look at things." - Interview with the Washington Post.

See? It wasn't Scott's fault. He didn't willingly take the job of lying to the public on the administration's behalf. He was goaded into it, and spent years believing that what he did was right and just, because he was wearing an invisible PARTISAN HAT that controlled his thoughts. The effects of which take years to wear off. That's one hell of a hat.

Never mind his admission that what really pissed him off was the Plame affair, when Karl Rove and Scooter Libby assured him they had nothing to do with the Plame leak, and Scott told us all that, and we (well, the press corps) believed him, and then, whoopsie! Rove and Libby WERE involved. Which means Scott McClellan's moral code essentially boils down to "I'll lie, and I'll pass along your lies knowingly, but I'll be damned if I'll let you lie to me so that I lie to the American public accidentally." Classy.

What, exactly, has this book done? It's provided a brief excuse for certain facts about the Iraq war to get mentioned in big media, I suppose. But that's not a point for McClellan, it's a point against the media, who spent years denying these very facts, and shouldn't have needed a years-late and billions-short memoir to prod them into doing their fucking jobs. It hasn't changed anyone's mind, because at this point, what minds are there to convince? Bush's support is well below even the Crazy Third threshold. He's got seven months left in office, and about the only thing he has left to fuck up is bombing Iran, which this book ain't gonna help stop.

On top of that, if there IS anyone out there who was thinking that all the "Bush lied, people died" stuff was crazy moonbat talk before "What Happened" came out, and now thinks that maybe the whole WMD thing was fishy after all? FUCK YOU. There is an argument to be made that even late, stupid converts are still converts, and we should accept them and pat them on the back and give them their hug and cookie and welcome them to the side of good. But we don't need people that fucking gullible on the side of good, because anyone that gullible will just vote for McCain in November anyway.

If McClellan has honestly had a change of heart, is full of remorse, and wants to atone for his actions as best as he can, then he knows damn well he can't expect absolution from us. And if he's just trying to rehabilitate his image so that he's not tied to the sinking ship of the Bush administration, then he doesn't deserve the absolution to begin with. Either way, we're fully justified in not giving it to him.