Sex

The Best With Two Backs

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Memo to the rest of the world: YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT.

I had all kinds of shit on deck for today. Rick Santorum is awful. The whole Virginia transvaginal ultrasound thing is vile. There's another GOP debate going on WHILE I TYPE THIS. I am not bereft of material - I mean, for fuck's sake, Tucker Carlson! But something so shocking, so horrifying, so unbelievable has happened that I must address it immediately.

A child saw a boner at a Best Buy.

And I'm not talking about the usual boners children are exposed to at Best Buy, usually uttered by blueshirt staff. Or the all too common faux-boner of the shelf price being different from the advertised or website price. No, I'm talking about an actual, bonerfide male erection. Also a vageeeeeener. In fact, the boner may have been partially inserted into the vageeeeeener.

See, apparently... oh, fuck it, let's just cut and paste the HuffPo description. ACTUAL CUT AND PASTE TIME!

"Gloria Berg was shopping for TVs with her son and grandchildren at a Best Buy in Greenville, South Carolina when a pornographic image of a man and woman suddenly appeared on screen, local News Channel 7 reports. The image remained on the screen for several minutes..."

OK. I realize this happened in South Carolina, and I realize naked people fucking makes us all, as the descendants of Puritans, very uncomfortabe. But over the decades, bits of porn have appeared in all kinds of places - spliced into movies, dubbed onto videotapes, painted on walls, the entire Internet. And there's been no causal link established between the general downward trend of human society and these occasional incidences of wangsign. So let's all move on, shall we? Is that OK, Ms. Berg?

"They, like, brush it off like it's...who cares? Nobody cares. It's pornography. And we are getting adjusted to that kind of mentality. That's why we are losing our morals."

Well, wait a second. I sort of kind of empathize with people exposed to rock-hard manbits when they weren't particularly keen to see them. I mean, I've been to conventions, I know how that feels. But what, exactly, was Best Buy supposed to do? They weren't displaying porn to show off the realistic fleshtones of the new Sharp Aquos. Someone got porn onto one of their display TVs for a few minutes. They took the porn down. What do you want, a free copy of Dumbo on Blu-Ray so you can explain to your grandkids that it was just an elephant's trunk poking into a mouse-hole?

That's not to say Best Buy isn't blameless here. The manager claimed that "the store's wifi had been hacked, allowing the offending image to be uploaded.", which is wrong on pretty much all the technological levels you'd expect a Best Buy store manager to get wrong.

Smart TVs can access the Internet. Best Buy stores have free Wi-Fi. There is porn on the Internet. You do the math. All you need is a remote control for the TV you want to point at a penis, and with universal remotes, that's super-easy. And, in fact, in a later statement, Best Buy said that's essentially what happened. The only solutions to that are shut off their WiFi access, which is bad for business, or tape over the IR receivers of all their display TVs, which only works for the ones that aren't in reach.

And no, Best Buy can't "secure the network" or filter out porn sites, because it's perfectly easy to put a picture of a penis on a non-porn, unfilterable site if you want to play this particular prank.

So here's the deal. It's 2012. There are screens everywhere. Everyone's got a smartphone or a tablet. TVs hang everywhere. Data connections are rampant. And there is porn on the Internet. And that means, every once in a while, whether you like it or not, you're gonna see a dick. So screw your courage to your sticky place and suck it up.

Or, you know, you could have a hissyfit and file a criminal complaint against a national electronics chain for "dissemination of pornography", wasting everyone's time. Either way, I'm entertained.

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