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The Real Wankers

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Memo to Hollywood police, and PBS: YOU ARE DUMB.

So Fred Willard got arrested for rubbing one out in a Hollywood porn theater yesterday. The whole thing raises certain questions, and not the "why didn't he just use the Internet" and "there are still porn theaters" questions that most of the Internet asked.

Don't the Hollywood police have anything better to do? Was nobody littering or jaywalking? When Paul Reubens got busted for the same thing TWENTY ONE YEARS AGO, we all wondered what the fuck police were doing stopping people from jerking off in porn theaters.

What possible societal good comes from this? Are there thousands of ordinary citizens who wish they could have a nice, family evening out at the porn cinema, but who avoid it because of all the furious masturbating? It's a porn theater. They show porn. Porn's for jerking off to.

They may be operating under some weird fiction that people come to the XXX movies, sit through them in their entirety to see how the plot turns out, then drive home, thinking "My, that elaborate and gymnastic hairless fuckery has caused quite the stirring in my loins. I do believe that when I return to my domicile, I will engage in a vigorous session of self-abuse!

I don't care who you are. I don't care if your blood is made entirely of liquid Viagra. L.A. traffic will murder your boner in three blocks or 45 minutes, whichever comes second. You won't be coming first, or second, or at all. So expecting people not to jerk off in a porn theater is at best unrealistic, and at worst, cruel and unusual punishment.

And now PBS has decided that, assuming the allegations are even true, that Willard is no longer good enough to provide voice-over narration for "Market Warriors", a show that nobody knew existed until this arrest revealed that Willard was hosting it.

"Market Warriors" is a kind of flea market Storage Wars, which I guess makes it a public TV "American Pickers". Not only did they fire Willard as the host, they're going back and re-dubbing episodes that are already in the can with one of the guys from Antiques Roadshow in a move that makes HBO's blurring of the Game Of Thrones Dubya head seem reasoned by comparison.

Thanks to PBS's quick action, people who planned to spend Monday night watching PBS follow four people through a flea market in Philadelphia in an attempt to compete with mid-tier basic cable reality TV won't be obliquely reminded that human beings have orgasms. At least Fred Willard stands for something.

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