You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Memo to Vance McAllister: YOU ARE KIND OF A DICK.
Fucking! Everyone does it*, and when they're not doing it, they're trying to. And normally, I don't care much about your awkward fumbling, your clumsy rutting, or your furtive humping. But sometimes, it's funny, and sometimes, it's hypocritical, and sometimes, it exposes things about Louisiana Republican congresscritter Vance McAllister that he would not like us to see. Like his tongue.
Basically, a Louisiana newspaper got a hold of some security footage from his district office that shows McAllister, who is married, making out with a female staffer, who is married. In a stairwell, which as anyone who still thinks it's 1978 knows, is a totally private place where nobody will ever see you.
And if Vance McAllister were a character in a romance novel, like his name suggests, we wouldn't be having this conversation. But he's a "faith and family" conservative, or at least that's how he got into office, This is the asshole who invited Duck Commander to the State of the Union address because Duck Commander hates gay people.
So fuck that guy. Or at least play awkward middle-aged** tonsil-hockey with him. We all know what's next. ACTUAL DISINGENUOUS APOLOGY TIME!
“I have fallen short as a husband and a father, and I feel more ashamed than you can imagine. I’ve asked them for forgiveness, and I’m asking forgiveness from my constituents who elected me to serve them.” - McAllister, apparently unaware that, like Han Solo, I can imagine quite a lot.
By "asking his constituents for their forgiveness", he of course means "not resigning and running for re-election this year", because after all, it's not like he was paying her and wearing diapers. This is Louisiana, dammit.
Continuing to work on Vance McAllister's re-election campaign after being busted for infidelity is, unfortunately, a luxury reserved for McAllister himself. In a move that just oozes class, the lady in the stairwell, Melissa Anne-Hixon Peacock, is no longer on the campaign payroll. Even though her name is also straight out of a romance novel. No railing could contain their love.
My favorite part? The husband, a friend and campaign donor of McAllister's, has since told reporters that McAllister has basically been faking his religious conviction to get votes. And it must be true. The husband's a man, and unlike Dianne Feinstein on torture, can't be motivated by an overly emotional reaction.
My second favorite part, because finishing strong is for suckers, is the part where McAllister considered asking for a congressional investigation into how the security footage was leaked, before, at least so far, deciding against it after people noticed he might do it and said, in effect, "Dude, seriously?" Stay classy, douchewaffle.
*For a less loose definition of "everybody" than teenagers and priests would have you believe.
**Let's not think about the fact that this douchey middle-aged horndog is five years younger than me. My sentence still stands, and I hope you'd say the same thing if you got surveillance footage of me necking in a stairwell.