You Are Dumb - Culture War

Happy Darwin Eve

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 20:19:44 -0600

Technology, 9 February 2007

Memo to all you fuckin' monkeys: HAPPY DARWIN EVE.

Monday is Darwin Day, where people take the birthday of Charles Darwin and spend it celebrating science and reason. Now, I'll admit, I didn't know about Darwin Day until this year, but what the hell. I like science. I like reason. And I like evolutionary pressures. So on what is, from a column standpoint, Darwin Eve, I'd like to take a quick look at some important evolutionary pressures in modern society.

Like Ted Haggard. Oh, I know, under normal circumstances, a repressed gay meth-loving radical Christian preacher would not actually exert any force on an extant species. Hell, he wouldn't even think such a thing was possible, what with everything on God's six-thousand-year-old green Earth appearing out of nowhere or walking off a boat or being made out of a rib or whatever. But thanks to the fine Christian community of Denver, Ted Haggard is now an evolutionary force.

Because Ted Haggard has been declared completely heterosexual. Yes, after just THREE WEEKS of therapy by his brethren and "overseers", we are supposed to believe that Ted Haggard wants nothing more than middle-aged marital vag for the rest of his natural life. Which just goes to show you what selfish bastards those New Life Church people are. They've got a three-week cure for frequenting gay male prostitutes, and they're keeping it ALL TO THEMSELVES.

Of course, nobody with any sense in their head is buying a word of it. Not only did they dump him after three weeks, but they asked him, politely, to get the fuck out of Denver and to never preach again. The only way they could have been more obvious about Haggard's unrepentant sexuality is if they shared a Snickers bar with him then hit him with a wrench.

It has been demonstrated that listening to Ted Haggard is a bad thing. And his Jiffy Lube "straightening" ensures that the only people who will ever listen to Ted Haggard again are people who actually believe three weeks of intense therapy, plus leaving Colorado to "heal", is an effective technique for restoring one's natural heterosexuality. In scientific terms, these people are known as "really fucking stupid". And any time really fucking stupid people do bad things, that's good for evolution. I hope Ted Haggard does start up a new ministry and bilks anyone who follows him for all they've got. At least that way, the money will in some small way be supporting the gay community. Once or twice a week, in hundred dollar increments, cash only.

You know what else is an evolutionary pressure? A ton of metal and plastic going 30 miles an hour. This is why parents encourage their children to look both ways before crossing the street. The city of New York is trying to perform a similar function for all their citizenry, by making it illegal to cross the street while using an iPod, Blackberry, or any other electronic device.

This is stupid on several levels. Now, I know New York City is a bustling, teeming morass of street-level anarchy. But the way I understand crossing the street everywhere else is, if you're supposed to be in the crosswalk, there aren't supposed to be cars there. I don't care if you're listening to The Shins, playing Elite Beat Agents, or are stumbling across the street in a crack-addled haze with a fishbowl on your head. If you get hit while crossing the street legally, it's not your fault, and if you get hit while crossing the street illegally, then tough shit to you and your newly shattered legs.

But let's ignore that. Let's say that the three pedestrians whose fatal accidents triggered this attempt at legislation really did die as a direct result of fucking around with their gadgets instead of watching out for hurtling metal. So? See "tough shit" above. None of the reports I've read have indicated that anyone else was hurt as a result of these accidents. At worst, three drivers feel bad and need some detailing. If stupid people are getting killed for willfully doing stupid things, that's beneficial in the long run.

You want to stop people from playing Frogger figuratively as well as literally, change the laws so that they know damn well the intersection is a brutal no-man's land where the only things keeping them alive are their senses and reflexes. Maybe make it so that once the electronic device was found to be the sole cause of the accident, the driver gets off scot free and can't have their insurance premiums hiked. Plus, if it still works, they get to keep the iPod.

That'd be a much better way to celebrate Darwin Eve.

Qurantastic

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 22:33:09 -0600

Religion, 4 January 2007

Memo to Virgil Goode: YOU ARE A CANARY.

I'm sure a lot of you are wondering why I haven't mentioned Virginia representative Virgil Goode yet. I mean, the guy would be the You Are Dumb poster child if it weren't for all the horse and pigfuckers out there. I mean, he's southern, he's white, he's Republican, he's bigoted, and most importantly, he's not just dumb, he's UNREPENTANTLY dumb.

By now, you've heard all about Goode, his comments on the Ellison swearing-in, and his general fear of a Muslim planet. You've seen all the puns on his name, and read while the obvious holes in his logic got poked by all and sundry, and if you haven't, it's a brief search away. But since I've beaten the Ellison thing into a fine paste myself in this space, I figured I could pass on it and let the rest of the Internet do the leg work for me.

Goode does make an interesting new answer to an eternal question. Can someone say something so blatantly and publicly stupid that it is universally condemned by the punditocracy? Not yet, but we're getting closer.

But Goode's comments have importance beyond his own astonishing, Guinness-defying levels of pigfuckery. And it's great news for gays and Mexicans. Because as I've mentioned before, people like Goode exist to push the discourse in a particular direction. They establish an outer boundary of crazy so that the more serene lights of the punditocracy can say MOSTLY bugfuck things, and get away with them because they're less bugfuck than Virgil Goode.

It's good news for gays and Mexicans because of a particular meme that Goode hits hard and often - that Muslims are bent on infiltrating America in order to undermine it. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I believe that if we do not stop illegal immigration totally, reduce legal immigration and end diversity visas, we are leaving ourselves vulnerable to infiltration by those who want to mold the United States into the image of their religion, rather than working within the Judeo-Christian principles that have made us a beacon for freedom-loving persons around the world." - Rep. Goode, who is not so much a beacon of freedom as he is a fucking dimbulb.

In 2004, we were told that the homosexuals had a homosexual agenda, and were infiltrating heterosexual America in order to turn everybody gay. In 2006, we were told that Mexicans weren't just entering the country illegally to gut chickens for three dollars an hour. No, they were flooding across the border in order to retake the American Southwest and make it a de facto part of the Mexican nation. If you missed this gem, google Aztlan sometime.

But in 2007, the gay and Mexican plans to destroy America from within are going to take a back-seat to the Muslim plan to destroy America from within. Goode is the canary in our coalmine, the first one to drop a stinking, fetid, yellow lump into the public discourse. If you're a Muslim, Virgil Goode wants you to know you're going to have a shitty year.

And while I'm no fonder of Mohammed than I am of Jesus, I'm even less fond of the relatively powerless being demonized by the powerful for crazy shit any rational person knows they're not actually doing. But that's SOP for the GOP, especially shitheads like Goode.

The Children Are Put Out

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 22:18:30 -0600

Religion, 14 November 2006

Memo to Becky Fischer: IT'S NOT FUN WHEN YOU'RE BURNING.

Ladies and gentleman, Jesus Camp is closing down. Now, I didn't see the documentary, but I did see the trailer, and I can't imagine I missed any significant mitigating or redeeming bits by doing so. But thanks to all the negative publicity caused by the movie, Kids On Fire is no more.

That's the name of the camp, by the way. Kids On Fire. I didn't know that. Knowing what little I know about what's involved in summer camp, who the fuck in their right minds would send their children to a summer camp named KIDS ON FIRE? It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Any camp named Kids On Fire is going to be full of crazy little bastards.

Which, of course, is what it's full of. You all know by now about the tongue-speaking, Bush-worshipping baby baby Jesus warriors as per the documentary. But now it's gone, the victim of... people finding out what the fuck was going on in Devil Lake, North Dakota.

Officially, Becky Fischer says she's going to take a couple of years off. Because, you know, that's what you should do when you run an activity that simply cannot survive public scrutiny. You wait until people forget you exist and start it up again. It's worked for their glorious leader Bush for this long; why can't it work for Fischer?

Of course, there is the vandalism that's taken place since the movie came out. Normally I would have to feel bad about this, but stupid ol' Becky Fischer has let me off the hook. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Fischer told [Christianity Today] she would have made the decision to shut the camp regardless, because she is worried about people who would attend simply to disrupt the camp." See? It's not the mean vandals who shut the camp down. It's Becky Fischer being so paranoid she thinks atheists would send their ninja children there for three weeks to pull a Wednesday Addams on the place.

Other negative publicity came from a bit in the film that captured a then-closeted Ted Haggard preaching to the children about the evils of homosexuality. It's a funny quote. Look it up. It's a tough break - the Kids On Fire people obviously didn't know Haggard was less a flaming sword of righteousness and more just flaming. And again, you could almost feel bad for them if Becky Fischer weren't quite possibly the least sympathetic Christian on the planet. For example, here's how she answers charges that she's indoctrinating small children:

"We have the idea that indoctrination is like the Chinese shoving bamboo up your fingernails or dropping a drop of water on your head until you say, 'Okay, Buddha is god.' Indoctrination is nothing more than teaching someone else a set of ideas."

Which would be great in a world with only dictionary definitions, but no context, connotation, or David Horowitz. All those nasty liberal professors aren't indoctrinating students. They're just teaching them a set of ideas! What are the odds we'd get away with that? Slim to nun. And I don't think the Pentecostals even have nuns. I think it's 'cause the habits are too flammable.

This Week's Rollback: Eyes

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 22:29:01 -0600

Religion, 1 November 2006

Memo to the Save Wal-Mart People: GO FOR IT.

Just in case you needed even more evidence that the conservative movement is not only eating its own, but actually using other bits of its own as a decorative garnish for the main course of its own, look no further than the attempt by ultra-nuts-Christians to mount a fervent protest on November 24... against Wal-Mart.

Yes, Wal-Mart. Home of the low, low prices on products that still usually exceed the annual wages of the people who helped make them. Darling of the right and foe of the left, and for the exact same reason - being the standard bearer for the excesses of capitalism. Wal-Mart is proof that the market can solve any problem, as long as the problem is of the "needing toilet paper and having six bucks" category and not the "I need to see the doctor" variety.

You would think the fundies would spend their time organizing protests of the local organic co-op with the lesbian cashiers. But let's face it, even these dimbulbs know that's a lot of work for very little gain. Plus, as we've seen over and over again, these fuckers are so possessive they make Alex Forrest* look like the Dalai Lama. If they think a tiny part of what they consider theirs is getting taken away, they will go APESHIT. They'll start making signs and issuing releases and writing up websites and throwing temper tantrums.

And oh, how Wal-Mart did transgress. When you hear what Wal-Mart did, you're going to be shocked. Surprised. Amazed. Possibly awestruck. The fundies certainly were. Here's just a snippet of the phrasings they used to describe Wal-Mart's crime. ACTUAL QUOTE COMPILATION TIME!

"Satan has Wal-Mart in his line of fire... Wal-Mart has finally succumbed to this constant harassment and blackmail. She has now chosen a policy of appeasement to assuage all of the false accusations leveled against her in hopes that the devil will somehow stop being so mean... the world's largest retailer would also become the world's largest promoter of homosexual sodomy! ... [they are] an accomplice to the killing of little boys and girls in the privacy of American homes.

With rhetoric like this, there are only two possibilities. First, using a combination of Satanic arts, illegal technology, and alien DNA, they've reanimated the corpse of Sam Walton, cloned the corpse by the thousands, turned 90% of the clones gay, and sent all of them on a coast to coast rampage of ass-rape and child murder.

Or second, they're going to carry out Plan B and have donated .0002% of their 2005 profits to join the Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce.

Yes, if SaveWalMart.com has its way, on November 24, complete fucking idiots with home-made signs saying "WAL-MART SUPPORTS SODOMY", "WAL-MART BETRAYED JESUS CHRIST", and "WAL-MART CELEBRATES SIN"** will show up at Wal-Marts all across the hickiest parts of America to protest a $25,000 donation and a vague commitment to treat its employees, customers, and suppliers in an equally shitty and reprehensible manner no matter what their sexual orientation.

And more power to them. Every inbred fuckwad outside Wal-Mart can join every inbred fuckwad INSIDE Wal-Mart on the list of inbred fuckwads I'm less likely to run into going about my daily business. That includes all the letter-writers featured on the site, like Kimberly Reyes of Dallas, who claims her and her husband's first stop after their honeymoon was Wal-Mart. Imagine how bleak that honeymoon must have been if visiting Wal-Mart was an improvement?

Nor will I be running into Kathy Heldreth of Charlotte, North Carolina, who claims in her letter to (a) have EIGHT CHILDREN, and (b) do all her shopping at Wal-Mart. May I suggest that if Mrs. Heldreth needs to make a little extra money on the side to cover the higher costs she will incur by boycotting Wal-Mart, that she volunteer as a research subject for scientists searching for the genetic component to stereotypes.

Fundies trying to save Wal-Mart from itself, while Wal-Mart tries to save the fundies forty cents on toothpaste. And the only one left smiling is me.

*Here's the rule. If I have to go to IMDB to make the joke, you have to go to IMDB to get it.

**Actual, I shit you not, suggested sign wordings from the website.

The Ten Percent Problem

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 11:12:30 -0500

Texas, 5 October 2006

Memo to the dumbest ten percent: WOW, YOU'RE DUMB.

In case you're still wondering why, after everything else, that it's taken covering up for a congressman who skips votes to have cyber-sex with sixteen year old male pages to even make a FUCKING DENT in the electorate of this country, you need to look at the bottom ten percent.

I think, in the past, we've discussed the bottom 27% - the crazy people, as determined by the percentage of Illinois voters who cast ballots for Alan Keyes in 2004. The bottom ten are a subset of the 27% - the bone-stupid. The asses. The people who, even after years of this, astonish me with their impervious thickness. We need to look at the Alton Verms.

First, his name is ALTON VERM. Verm, I believe, comes from the Latin, for "eater of roadkill". Verm and his family are from Conroe, Texas. Verm is also one of those parents who gets upset when, in a desperate and likely futile attempt to ensure the next generation of Conroetexans makes it into the bottom FIFTEEN percent, the school system exposes these younguns to literature. Literature that may include the kind of language that would give CAPAlert a mild case of the hives.

Despite being incredibly stupid this is not in and of itself all that uncommon. Especially in Texas, a state where, just recently, a teacher lost her job for taking her students on an approved trip to a museum where one of them saw a stone dick. I shit you not. Look it up. What makes Alton Verm extra special, even by comparison to the rest of Texas, is the book he objected to and the... linguistically unique way he did so.

The book, and I hope you have your irony overflow buffers primed and waiting, was FAHRENHEIT 451. The classic dystopian tale of government eliminating unapproved literature with the cleansing power of fire. The only way Verm could be any less self-aware is if he tried to ban Ray Bradbury's unfinished sequel, "Trying To Ban Books In Rural Texas Public Schools Is Wrong, You Inbred Fuck".

Lest you think that perhaps I am exaggerating Alton Verms hickitude, enjoy this rich slab of his pigfucking dialect. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It's just all kinds of filth. The words don't need to be brought out in class. I want to get the book taken out of the class." Tell him about the rabbits, George. I had to scrape cornpone off of my fingers after typing that, and I don't even know what cornpone IS.

Verm is apparently an idiot savant, because without even reading the book, he was able to determine that it contained drinking, smoking cigarettes, violence, "dirty talk," references to the Bible and using God's name in vain. Civilization has survived all that, Verm. Hell, even rural Texas has.

So their daughter, Diana, and a classmate whose parents were smart enough not to talk to the Montgomery County Courier* got to read an alternate book, "Ella Minnow Pea: A Progressively Lipogrammatic Epistolary Fable". Which is brilliant, because Alton Verm will stare at a title like that the way a chipmunk stares at an electron microscope. Unless he gets upset at "Epistolary", of course.

*A newspaper which, judging from the level at which its article was written, certainly serves its community.

A Ball Best Served Cold

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 18:33:49 -0500

Main Column, 2 August 2006

Memo to Tom Neven: YOU ARE DUMB.

Let's make a deal, right here and now, oh mighty religious culture warriors. I won't criticize the font choice and margin settings of your gay-bashing press releases if you stop reviewing video games. This is a major concession on my part, so I suggest you take me up on it. I don't get this fucking generous every day.

You don't need to be reviewing video games anyway. It's a waste of your time, time that could be spent praying or tying people to fences or furiously beating off to scat porn or whatever the hell you freaks do in your free time. You're not even helping your fellow freaks. And I present as evidence for this Tom Neven's review of Table Tennis for the 360.

Neven wrote the review for "Plugged In", which is Focus on the Family horning in on the whole CAPAlert deal - reviewing popular culture from the perspective of insane, self-flagellating repression. And while I confess there is a purpose, however insipid, in puritan theocratic freakjobs telling other puritan theocratic freakjobs that they shouldn't buy the "V For Vendetta" DVD because it doesn't portray puritan theocratic freakjobs in a good light, why the FUCK are they reviewing video games?

You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but when it comes to the concerns of Focus On The Family, even these dipshits can judge a game by its cover. If the game's got titties, the cover will have titties. If the game has demons, the cover will have demons. If the game has guns, the cover will have guns. If the game involves the committing of grand theft auto, or mortals engaged in kombat, this will be conveyed on the cover in two-inch high letters.

In my travels, I've come across a total of ONE game cover that was misleading. If you bought Bust A Move 2 for Playstation in the hopes that the game would involve the psychotic propping of eyelids with toothpicks, you'd have been disappointed to get home and see cute dinosaurs shooting colored balls at other colored balls. But even then, culture warriors would have been pleasantly surprised at the wholesomeness, not blindsided by immorality.

And anyway, Neven sucks as a game reviewer. He makes IGN's slack-jawed chronic masturbators read like the love child of William S. Burroughs and Pauline Kael. He wastes a good 3/4 of the review on this faux-Biblical look at the history of games from Pong onward. He thinks this is clever. And trust me, as someone with a shitload of experience of using the word "Lo" to comedic effect, he ain't clever.

When we finally get to the meat of the thrust of his point, as it were, it's an observation that, coming as it does in August of 2006, is behind the times even for Focus On The Family. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"And Rockstar Games did exercise restraint. There are no explosions. No one dies. Indeed, the warriors play hard, but vile trash talk is nowhere to be found. From a godlike view from above and behind his own warrior, the human fights his electronic foes by maneuvering his player with the Xbox controller."

Yes, the people who made Grand Theft Morals made a ping-pong game. We know. We've known for about a year. Any potential the irony might have had got spent within three posts on every game website on the planet, thanks. But I am glad he pointed this out, because it will become important when we discuss his inaccurate, yet highly amusing, conclusion. ACTUAL VERDICT TIME!

"In Table Tennis, the human does not actually put the spin on the ball. He tells the computer to put the spin on the ball, and in this arises eventual boredom—and sore thumbs."

I'm not sure how Tom Neven expected this game to be controlled. It's still at least two and a half months from when any of us will be able to even swing a racket naturally. Imparting spin at the same time, I'm guessing, will be beyond even the Wii. But what I love best is that, after all the ranting and raving by the Liebermans, the Bennetts, the Hillaries, the Dobsons, the Thompsons, et al, Rockstar Games finally produces a game with no violence, no sex, no swearing, no blood, no gore, no crime, no debauchery. Just good, honest competition and pure gaming intensity.

And this little puritan fucker is BORED OUT OF HIS JESUS-LOVING SKULL BY IT.

So just stop reviewing video games. You don't need to pretend to be evaluating their immorality for hours on end, with only a trickle of drool and the pup tent in your pants betraying the fact that you're not actually playing it to warn away others. We won't think any less of you. Hell, we CAN'T think any less of you.

Plymouth Suck

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 09:33:42 -0500

Video Games, 17 April 2006

Memo to Jeff Johnson: YOU ARE DUMB.

Jeff Johnson is a Republican in the Minnesota House of Representatives. State congressman is the Gap T-Shirt Folder of politics. It's entry level. This is why state reps grace this page so often. They've got a few thousand constituents, tops. As small fish in a small pond, they can get their crazy-ass retard ideas for laws out there in a way Alan Keyes only dreams of.

And Johnson, the representative for Minneapolis suburb and urban-sprawl ghetto Plymouth, has a crazy-ass retard idea for protecting our tender young children from being corrupted by the violent video games.

This is the point at which long-time readers of the column are digging out their checklists and making their predictions. And yes, Jeff Johnson did hit all the high points in his lengthy weekend editorial piece.

Hyperbole? Check. "We're not talking about the equivalent of an R-rated slasher movie. Many of these games are absolutely horrific. They allow kids to learn firsthand how to kill, torture, mutilate and rape in graphic detail."

Wait, rape? I follow games really closely. I've played them for decades. And I only know of one game ever that has you, as the protagonist, controlling a rape. And that's the infamous Atari 2600 game "Custer's Revenge", where you dodge arrows in the hopes of poking a two-pixel penis into something that, taken with a huge dollop of authorial intent, is supposed to be a tied-up Native American woman. Awful, awful game, but I can't imagine it's what Johnson meant when he said "graphic detail".

And kids do not learn first-hand how to kill, torture, and mutilate. Despite what the Jeff Johnsons of the world would have you believe, most game developers are barely able to manage an vague abstracted experience. They don't learn how to kill. They learn that the guy flops over if you aim and press R1. Games have a "torture" button, which as far as I know, only has one real-life equivalent, and it's in Alberto Gonzalez' office.

Cluelessness about the market? Check. Guys like this always have a list. And Jeff Johnson's list hits the four stereotypes so perfectly he may have used the Microsoft Word "Conservative Jackass" template. There's the Popular Bugaboo, the Hyped Failure, the PC Game, and the Obscurity.

His popular bugaboo is, of course, Grand Theft Auto, for which he recycles the by-now-quaint "fuck a hooker, kill her, and take her money" game mechanic. Which the game does let you do. But doing this will not progress you in the game. It's a really inefficient way to get health back. Bringing it up as a criticism of GTA is like saying Citizen Kane is dangerous because someone got hurt sledding.

The hyped failure is "Manhunt", a game everybody talked about, five percent of everybody bought, and one percent of everybody liked. It's full of brutal murder with a "snuff" film theme, but if that's all it took to make a hit and destroy youthful innocence, civilization would have collapsed before the first Playstation came out.

The PC game is "Postal 2". If your second-grade child is able to purchase, install, and run "Postal 2", you don't yell at him. You send him off to college, because you've got a FUCKING PRODIGY on your hands. And if he's smart enough to install it, he's smart enough to stop playing it after five minutes.

And then there's "Clock Tower 3". Again, I follow this shit pretty closely, and I didn't remember them getting up to a third Clock Tower game. Jeff Johnson describes it as a survival horror game about brutal murders. Whatever. Children are not buying Clock Tower 3. Children are not playing Clock Tower 3. Clock Tower 3 is certainly not "readily available at any large retailer or video rental store in Minnesota.", as Johnson claims. Best Buy doesn't sell it. Target doesn't sell it. Toys R Us doesn't sell it. EBGames only sells it used. Hell, Amazon doesn't even carry it unless you count affiliated sellers. I can only think of one reason Johnson would pick Clock Tower 3 over, say, Resident Evil 4, which is just as violent, just as mature, just as bloody, and was sold by and played by damn near everyone.

He was cribbing from a list he got off some right-wing website. There's simply no way he could have come across that kind of detail on an ultra-obscure Japanese horror game that came out THREE YEARS AGO on his own. He's a clueless liar who's jumping on a popular bandwagon in a vain attempt at self-promotion. Which, to be fair, is the sum total of his required duties as a state representative, but still, he's a fucking idiot.

Because he's suggesting we stop kids from buying Clock Tower 3 and other M-rated games by hitting them with a $25 fine when they do. How do you enforce that? Does the shop owner who's not supposed to be selling them the game in the first place bust them after the sale is made? Do we station cops outside stores checking bags? Do parents write their kids tickets? And getting past all that, what kind of deterrent is a $25 fine for buying a $50 game? That's the kind of slap on the wrist Republicans like Johnson usually give to Exxon.

Endangered Specious

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 09:40:23 -0600

Religion, 31 March 2006

First, before we begin, it's time for the annual warning. Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. That's the day where the 0.5% of stuff on the Internet that isn't already a lie BECOMES A LIE. Believe nothing. Forward nothing. If you're not prepared to ramp your skepticism up to full, do us all a favor and just unplug your fucking modem for the day. Read a book, watch a movie, whatever. You'll be better off for it, and more importantly, I'll be better off for it.

Now. Memo to Christians: SORRY ABOUT THE WAR.

My bad. I didn't think you'd take it so personally. But I've seen the error of my ways, thanks to two huge groups of Christians who turned out in droves last week and proved to me just how weak and helpless they are.

First, in what sounds like the setup to a really good joke, 20,000 Christian teens walked into San Francisco. It was "Battle Cry For A Generation", a two-day rally intended to fight back against the decadent, sinful popular culture.

Twenty thousand fresh-faced, glowing Christian teens, brought to the epicenter of free love, gay marriage, and 60's hippiedom. Spending the entire day getting worked into a frenzy by charismatic leaders over P.A. systems, and then staying overnight.

I'm guessing it's not so much "Battle Cry For A Generation" as it is "Unintentional Spawning Ground For The Next Generation". On the other hand, they all crowded into AT&T Park to listen to Christian rock and rap, which, as we all know, is pure musical saltpeter. The last time I saw an ad for a Christian rock compilation album, it took my penis a week to work its way back out of my abdominal cavity.

And speaking of dicks, on the other side of the country, in Washington DC, the grownups were holding the "War On Christians" conference, designed to highlight and demonstrate how Christians are under seige by a huge secular movement that seeks to ban their Bibles, chuck their crosses, smash their seraphim, and piss on their psalms.

And, just like Justice Sunday, and Justice Sunday II: The Reckoning before it, they demostrated this with an all-star lineup of some of the nation's most powerful politicians and media personalities. Tom DeLay! John Cornyn! Sam Brownback! Phyllis Schlafly! Alan Keyes! Rick Scarborough! Gary Bauer! Rod Parsley!

OK, I admit, I have no idea who the fuck Rod Parsley is, but the Washington Post said he was there, and "Rod Parsley" is a funny, funny name. Rod Parsley. Say it soft and it sounds like... Rod Parsley, actually. There's no way you can say a name like Rod Parsley and not have it sound like Rod Parsley. Did I mention his name was Rod Parsley? Because some poor Google searcher looking for Rod Parsley is gonna be pretty pissed off when he finds this.

Anyway, it was two days of the same bullshit - wah wah everybody hates us sob other religions sob separation of church and state weep how come I don't get to set fire to the homos? But that doesn't mean there weren't a few choice statements on display. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We are after all a society that abides abortion on demand, that has killed millions of innocent children, that degrades the institution of marriage and often treats Christianity like some second-rate superstition. Seen from this perspective, of course there is a war on Christianity." - Tom DeLay

That is patently unfair. I'm a rabid secular leftist of the highest order, and even I'll admit that Christianity is a first-rate superstition. It's Scientology that's second-rate.

"What do these two Christians have in common? Perhaps we are persecuted. Perhaps we are no different than most Christians throughout history." - Navy Lt. Gordon James Klingenschmitt, who got yelled at for delivering a sectarian prayer at a Navy funeral, comparing himself to Abdur Rahman, the Afghani Christian who was going to get killed by the lovely democratic government of freedom we installed over there.

On a similar note, I stubbed my toe last night, so I want you all to understand that I'm as noble as Christopher Reeve. What the fuck? Next Klingenschmitt* will claim that because he showered with other men in the Navy, he qualifies as a Holocaust survivor.

If the war on Christians continues at this pace, Christianity as we know it will be extinct in ten to 20 years. Ten to twenty years after our sun goes nova, that is.

*Klingenschmitt, by the way, owes a huge fucking fruit basket to Rod Parsley for ensuring Klingenshmitt didn't have the goofiest name at the conference.

Art For Art's Sake

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 20:57:25 -0600

Embryo Fetishism, 27 March 2006

OK, fuckers, you get a reprieve. Larry The Cable Guy Who Is Also Inexplicably A Health Inspector opened in seventh place, taking in what I'm guessing is double its catering budget, and that's only because "blue collar comics" don't eat a lot of arugula.

So society is only as stupid as I thought it was. Which means you need to put away the noisemakers and cake, because that's not something to celebrate. That just means we can breathe a sigh of relief and go on wailing at the rest of the bullshit.

And anyway, we need the noisemakers and cake for an entirely different party. It's so incredibly rare that we in the stupidity-monitoring business catch a break. It's so rare that something incredibly, hideously dumb benefits the rational and sane that we need to all, collectively, send a metaphorical giant fruit basket of thanks to Daniel Edwards, sculptor.

Because Daniel Edwards has created the definitive work of modern political art. It's titled "Monument To Pro-Life: The Birth Of Sean Preston", and is a statue of a nude woman engaged in childbirth. Which would not normally be of note, except that'd be Sean-Preston-Federline-Spears we're talking about here.

I cannot, due to bounds of good taste and full knowledge of where you're all reading this from*, include a picture of the statue. I will, however, provide you with the means to view it yourself, with the usual caveat that you will enjoy yourself more if you once again let me take the hit for the team and describe what I've already seen.

Because the statue departs from known reality in several interesting ways. First and foremost because it doesn't include a team of surgeons providing Britney with her cooch-preserving vanity Caesarian. I know it's important for Britney to maintain her figure, because every second Kevin Federline is screwing her is a second Kevin Federline isn't rapping**, but it's still funny to me to honor Britney "for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision", when a big part of that choice and bravery involved preserving her birth canal for a decidedly non-procreative purpose.

I will not dwell on the artistic decision to cast Britney on all fours, gripping a bearskin rug, as the baby crowns. Partly because I think it's rude to the artist, and mostly because all the best jokes have been done already. And anyway, I came to thank Daniel Edwards, not to bury him. Because he's given us something invaluable, something priceless, something that will remain long after his statue is melted down into souvenier gag license plates.

He's given us an answer to "Piss Christ".

You remember Piss Christ. Andres Serrano's controversial piece from 1989 with a crucifix submerged in urine? Colloquially known as "Tinkle On The Mount", "The Yellow Fellow", or "Weesus". You wouldn't remember it, except that since NINETEEN MOTHER EIGHTY FUCKING NINE, right-wing shits have been bringing it up as an example of the perfidy of every human being to the left of Newt Gingrich. Well, that shit stops now.

Britney's Baby cancels out Piss Christ completely and utterly. It negates it. Finally, the right wing has gotten an ugly piece of agendoid art into a gallery, after years of selling it on T-shirts and in Christian bookshops. And now it's part of the public consciousness, and after 17 years, we can finally go around saying that anyone who opposes abortion must think the ideal of motherhood is Britney Spears in full fucksquat, making her brave, brave choice.

So pass the cake already.

*You fucking slackers.

**We all hope, at least.

All Tedious Bullshit Is Local

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 22:35:45 -0600

Politics, 23 March 2006

Memo to Dean Johnson, Brent Waldemarsen, state senate Republicans, and, oh, anybody else within, say, a 300-mile radius of St. Paul, Minnesota, just to be safe. YOU ARE DUMB.

You're all dumb, you can all fuck off, none of you have the moral high ground, shut up, go away. I don't want to be writing about this. It's draining in its banality, exhausting in its pointlessness. It is the personification of political ennui.

Recap. Gays. Marriage. Bigots. Amendment. Pastors. Meeting. Johnson. Democrat. Speaking. Lied. Taped. Caught. Apologized. Controversy!

Johnson, the Democratic majority leader of the state Senate, said we don't need an amendment banning gay marriage because justices on the state Supreme Court told him there's no way in hell they'd overturn the law banning gay marriage. Which is a problematic statement on at least three levels if it's TRUE.

The conversation shouldn't have happened in the first place, it's a shitty answer to the problem, and why the fuck is Dean Johnson trying to appease a room full of homophobic pastors in the first place? We wouldn't know about any of this, of course, if pastor Brent Waldemarsen hadn't secretly taped the meeting and leaked the information to the press. Which is a dick move, compounded by his protestations that it was mere coincidence that he was recording when Johnson said something politically embarrassing, and that he isn't being political at all. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I'm not really interested in the politics of stuff, as a rule. I'm not a political activist. It's not something I truly enjoy. But I have a strong conviction on the state of marriage. I've been seeing how some states are overturning their DOMA [Defense of Marriage] laws and it alarmed me. I thought, this is something I have to get involved in."

If you feel the need to get involved in the gay marriage debate, and are turning embarrassing tapes of public officials over to bigot-advocacy groups like Minnesotans for Marriage, then guess what? You've just become a political activist. Pick up your ID badge and complimentary gift bag at the registration table and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

So, Johnson was wrong, Waldemarsen was wrong. Can we get the trifecta?

"...if we do nothing we are giving tacit approval to unethical conduct ... if it was one of our Senate Republican caucus members, we would be obliged to set aside partisan differences and seek the facts." - Republican state senators Claire Robling and Mike McGinn, filing an ethics complaint against Johnson.

Notice they didn't say they would, just that they'd be OBLIGATED to. I could compile a list of things Republican legislators across the country are OBLIGATED to do, yet seem to be fine with not doing, but I'd hate for the scroll wheels of my entire readership to melt from the friction.

So. Johnson, wrong and a doofus. Waldemarsen, wrong and a dickhead. Robling and McGinn, dumb and hypocrites. Me, left wondering why the sweet fuck I'm even still reading about this, much less writing about it. So fuck 'em all. Fuck 'em for trying for the amendment, fuck 'em for appeasing the bigots, fuck 'em for the followthrough. Fuck all y'all who wrote letters to the editor, too. If you're going to annoy me, BE MORE INTERESTING.

Lexicographical Monday

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 14:15:51 -0600

Culture War, 6 March 2006

Memo to two idiots in Savannah, Missouri: CONGRATULATIONS.

I don't know who you are, and I don't know what you said, yet in just four truncated paragraphs of a desperately inadequate news story, you've convinced me that you're so stupid I have to actually invent a new word to describe you and your ilk. You are INTARDERANT.

See, I understand intolerance. I don't approve of it*, but I -understand- it. There's something you hate unreasonably, you see it, and you respond negatively, saying stupid shit and boycotting and writing letters and such.

Case in point. Idiots hate gays. They hear that "Brokeback Mountain" won the Best Director Oscar. And they get upset, thinking that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is assaulting their worldview with salvos of gay cowboys being lobbed over their ramparts. So they get upset and cranky even though nobody actually broke into their house, strapped them in a chair, and forced them to endure a DVD screener. That's intolerance.

But at least, in Brokeback Mountain, the cowboys are gay. They have sex with each other, and hug tenderly, and wear chaps. So while the Focus On The Family reaction is regrettable and stupid, it at least follows logically from correct information being fed through a twisted, superstitious worldview.

INTARDERANCE, on the other hand, is what happens when that same twisted worldview is applied to things arbitrarily and inappropriately. Which brings us to the anonymous parents, the public library system of Savannah, Missouri, and the book "And Tango Makes Three". Which was recently moved from the children's section (it being a children's book) to the non-fiction section of the library.

The plot of "And Tango Makes Three" is about a penguin, Tango, who is adopted by two male penguins. And here we see the intarderance kick in. The two penguins are MALE, and they're ADOPTING. Cue concerns about the homosexualization of America and the indoctrination of our youth.

But the penguins aren't having sex. They're not in a committed relationship. They're just a couple of penguins in a book. Based on a couple of actual male penguins who actually took care of an abandoned egg at the Central Park Zoo a few years back. Not gay. Just penguins. Doing what penguins do.

If "And Tango Makes Three" is gay, then "My Two Dads" is gay. Then "Full House" is gay. Then "Three Men And A Baby" is... well, OK. I'll grant you that last one. But still. Men joining forces to take care of abandoned children is not a new theme in the media. It's not advancing the homosexual agenda. The worst you can say about it is that it's usually crap promoting tired old gender roles in the pursuit of wacky hijinks, usually involving pee.

But the penguins get moved so that, in the word of Rolling Hills Consolidated Libraries director Barbara Read (who's heard enough jokes about her name, thank you), patrons won't be "blindsided" by the gay penguins who aren't gay at all.

Because in Missouri, I guess pandering to the intarderant is part of the mission statement.

*And yes, I'm aware that what I espouse here on a daily basis qualifies under the strict dictionary definition of "intolerance". But I reject that kind of ridiculous "you're being intolerant of my intolerance, you're as bad as I am" bullshit out of hand, and you should too.

Sharia, With Extra Cheese

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 22:26:25 -0600

Catholics, 2 March 2006

Memo to Thomas Monaghan: YOU ARE BUGFUCK, PIZZA MAN.

I mean, I've known for a while that the guy who started Domino's Pizza was a crazy right-wing uberCatholic who funneled dimes to Operation Rescue every time you got an order of wings. So much so that I made sure to not order pizza from Domino's once I learned about it, even though he doesn't run the company anymore.

Well, that and the fact that it tastes like wet cardboard that a tomato wiped its ass with. But still, there was principle involved too.

But now I wish I could get a time machine and some phone routing equipment and retroactively send all my pre-awareness Domino's purchases to Pizza Hut. Because Tommy Monaghan is taking my pizza money, and your pizza money, and the billions in everyone else's pizza money from the 80's and 90's, and building Ave Maria near the Florida Everglades.

Ave Maria is a university. Ave Maria is also the surrounding town. Ave Maria, if Monaghan gets his way, will be a town run entirely on the strict interpretation of the laws of the Roman Catholic Church. And since Monaghan is a billionaire, I'm guessing he's going to get his way.

First of all, and possibly most importantly, Florida is CRAZY ENOUGH. It's already got Jeb Bush and Walt Disney. Does it really need another cult leader exercising dominion over thousands of blindly worshipping subjects?

And make no mistake about it. If this were some fringe group trying to buy the town and impose their religious views - the purple sneaker castration people, or David Koresh, or, you know. Islam - Homeland Security would be there so fast you'd think a hurricane hit two weeks prior.

But Monaghan is rich, and Catholic, and in Florida, so he can control all the real estate deals and make sure nobody provides abortions, the cable doesn't carry any "pornography", and none of the drugstores sell rubbers. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I believe all of history is just one big battle between good and evil. I don't want to be on the sidelines." - And what's worse, I suspect he thinks he's on the "good" side.

According to London's Sunday Times, "Sources close to the project said Monaghan was particularly disturbed by what he regards as the failure of western civilisation to resist Islamic fundamentalism." I trust I don't have to point out the incredibly obvious irony here. We're all grownups. We can all reach blatantly obvious conclusions. We can all simultaneously mutter "that crazy motherfucker" under our breaths.

Upwards of 7,000 people are already looking to move to Ave Maria. Which is the one part of this plan that I like. Because that's seven thousand fewer crazy fucking Catholics in the rest of the country. But in a town without birth control, 7,000 voluntary residents will quickly become 7,000 voluntary residents and 3,500, 7,000, 10,500, 14,000, or, if everyone that moves there are like the Duggars, FIFTY SIX THOUSAND involuntary residents, all forced to live under strict Catholic rule. It'll be like the Vatican, only with bigger bugs and a lot more dirty diapers.

But on the bright side, if your soul isn't saved in 30 minutes or less, it's free.

Peace On Straight Earth, Good Will Toward Straight Men II

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 22:43:10 -0600

Movies, 26 December 2005

Memo to right-wing homophobes: YOU ARE PUSSIES.

Man, you people are scared of everything. You're scared of terrorists lurking in your hedges, you're scared of the liberal media, you're scared of the word "holiday", and you're absolutely terrified of gay cowboys.

You'd think Ang Lee would have scared you all a couple of years ago, with his movie about a half-naked muscle man who beats the shit out of America's armed forces while wearing purple shorts. But Brokeback Mountain has fucked these dudes up. And it's only got like a minute of man on man action in it, too. Sure, that's a minute more than Philadelphia had, but still. It's all just longing looks, sunsets, and horses for the most part. I mean, Deadwood devotes more time to the WORD cocksucker than Brokeback Mountain devotes to... anyway.

Still, all that inability to quit sure got Gary DeMar hot and bothered. In addition to having what sounds for all the world like a bad drag name, Gary DeMar writes for WorldNetDaily. If you don't know WorldNet Daily, it's like The Drudge Report without the evenhandedness. It's like Fox News without the attention to detail. It's two tinfoil hats short of a complete set, is what I'm saying.

DeMar posits that Brokeback Mountain is the latest salvo in Hollywood's left-wing propaganda war to make the filthy queer lifestyle choice seem normal, natural, and safe. Plus, it's a Western.

The Western thing really bugs them, I think. But that's not Hollywood's fault. Actually, that IS Hollywood's fault, because for the better part of 60 years, Hollywood has been providing the red-blooded Murrican types with a two-fisted romanticized version of the Old West, where the cowboys were noble, the Indians were savage, and a guy named Marion was called John. But just because your romanticized west was devoid of ACTUAL ROMANCE doesn't mean that Brokeback Mountain is out to threaten your straight hegemony. That's just a nice side effect. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It's not that most of Hollywood is made up of homosexuals, although there is a disproportionate number in the entertainment field. Divorce, multiple remarriages, children out of wedlock, drugs, alcohol addiction, sexual exploitation, and just plain bad behavior are common features of the Hollywood in-crowd. If the worst of sexual behavior – homosexuality – can be tolerated and even accepted by the general public, then these other behaviors won't seem bad any more."

Oh, where to begin? First, I love the "just plain bad behavior" bit. If all the drug abuse and sexual exploitation isn't bad enough, those Hollywood bastards are... bad tippers? Really lousy at getting four propositions passed by the California electorate? The possibilities are tantalizing.

And homosexuality is THE WORST SEXUAL BEHAVIOR? We all know that's not true. In a world where man fucks pig, man fucks cow, and horse fucks man? In a world where thousands of rapes occur every year? Hell, any given week's Savage Love column lists at least one behavior worse than homosexuality. Guy DeMar needs to get out more.

"At the same time, these same moral misfits are defining their own brand of moral deviancy up. What was considered morally normal 30 years ago – two-parents of the opposite sex married and living together, participation in the Boy Scouts and being protected from homosexual predators, rejecting a pro-death culture, and stay-at-home moms – is now portrayed as oppressive and shot through with pathologies."OK, I'll grant him one of those. If there's one theme that I've seen hit upon in movies for the past ten years, it's that homosexual predation on young boys is natural and good. You see it again and again - Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, March of the Penguins, Catwoman, Super-Size Me... sure, none of those movies had small children in them, but it's all in the subtext. For fuck's sake, this year alone we've had three different movies about Extreme Parenting. I did a column about it. Look at all the happy families out there! The Spy Kids, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, the Weasleys...

But that's always the way. One gay kiss can wipe out a thousand Herbies Riding Again in the minds of the culture warriors. I wish it were true. I mean, I'm straight, and I'd kiss a dude if it meant Cheaper By The Dozen 2 never made it into theaters.

Which is why it's so interesting that Christianity Today's website reviewed Brokeback Mountain and gave it three stars. I'm guessing it has something to do with how their reviewing technique varied wildly from DeMar and his ilk's - they SAW THE MOVIE. Being remotely positive about two dudes kissing did open up the e-mail floodgates, though.

"The film is gay propaganda. It promotes adultery and a sinful lifestyle making it worthwhile for their mutual pleasure. Movies like this should be labeled by the filmmaker with a disclaimer of not endorsing these activities. You should not do any less in your movie review." - Here's a tip for Joseph DiPoala Sr., M.D. If you're a DOCTOR, yet you're not smart enough to figure out that ChristianityToday.com disapproves of hot gay cowboy sex, then I hope to hell I never get sick when you're on call.

"Yes, you should review it, but it shouldn't warrant anything close to 3 stars, because its content is despicable,and is a clear, ideologically inspired attempt to drag the culture down even further. CT readers want a different perspective." - Jim Overholt, getting the premise of movie reviews backwards. It's people who HAVE seen the movie telling people who HAVEN'T seen it what they think of it, not the other way around, dipshit.

"So, sodomites write reviews for you now? I had heard that cT (small case intended) had become a notoriously banal depiction of christian writing (small case intended). Your review probably broke the camel's back for many... Cowboys know how to chase women, and perverts need no encouragement. May God have mercy on you." - Man, that's harsh. Especially the Intentional Lack Of Capitalization technique. If that's how Chuck Hinson feels about the review, I'd love to see what would happen if he were forced to actually watch it, all Clockwork Orange style.

"You most definitely should NOT review movies about homosexuality. The Bible clearly states that we should not even mention what sinners do." - Michael Spencer. Um, if you're not supposed to talk about what sinners do, how will people know not to do it? I mean, besides the fact that all anyone seems to WANT to talk about is what sinners do, actually being prohibited from it strikes me as the kind of logistical problem a kind, omniscient God would not foist upon His people. But that's just me.

Remember, kids. Every time two cowboys kiss, Jesus wipes away tears of blood with the American flag.

Howard's Loose Ends

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 22:19:50 -0600

Wingnuts, 4 November 2005

It's been a while since I checked in with my nemesis, my doppleganger, the evil organization of primal stupidity that stands in opposition to everything I hold dear, even though they don't know it.

I'm speaking, of course, of the Howard Foundation, masterminds behind the "Natural Family Manifesto", and if you haven't heard of them before, then I've just provided you with a number of incredibly useful search terms. In the course of doing research, I ended up on their mailing list, and every once in a while, I like to go through the e-mails they send me and see what the other side of the culture war considers important.

Beating up gay people is a vital part of the natural family, for example. So important that they warned their subscribers of a new law that would add sexual orientation to the federal hate-crimes law.

Now, if you're anything like me, you probably thought federal hate crime law already covered sexual orientation. But it doesn't, and the Howards feel that extra protection for gays and lesbians is a "subtle attack on the natural family". I presume it's a much more subtle attack than getting curb-stomped by rednecks, but the Howard Center still thinks they get precedence.

The anti-gay rhretoric was really spraying out of Howard in October. They also posted a lengthy excerpt from a New York Times opinion column on the "scientific" differences between male and female brains. Now, since I'm pulling a bunch of stuff out of my e-mail for today's column, I'm obviously not motivated enough to look into this deeply. Even so, I'd think that you'd want to get your supporting data a bit closer to the source than an editorial page.

But since the Howards want to use the Sinbaddian "women be different from men" brain-study to support the conclusion that gay couples are unfit to be parents, I'm guessing deep research isn't on their agenda either.

See, if women are different from men, then mothers are different from fathers, ergo the quality of the love a child gets from two mothers or two fathers must be innately inferior. This all ties into the Howard Center's goal - the natural family, where the gender composition and count of a family matter more than the individual fitness as parents of the kids involved.

Never mind that every time you see a story in the paper about a bunch of kids locked in basements, or cages, or garages, starved nearly to death and living in their own filth, it's ALWAYS one man, married to one woman, and more than the average number of kids. The naturalest of the natural families. But at least the caged kids didn't miss out on any of the dual-hemisphere strong-empathizing the Howards say women are all so good at, right?

The most fun part of any Howard Center e-mail is figuring out where the catch is. There's always a catch - they never, EVER provide information that doesn't tie, in some way, to their attempt to return this country to the Cleaver ideal. But sometimes, they're sneaky about it.

For example, there's a whole, huge thing on breastfeeding and early infant nutrition. Goes on for paragraphs and paragraphs of seemingly benign citations about the benefits and patterns of breastfeeding. But buried deep within is the kicker. ACTUAL KICKER TIME!

"The researchers' data - drawn from 625 women who continued to breastfeed for at least 20 weeks and from 636 women who started breastfeeding but who continued for less than 20 weeks - indicates that employment intentions loom extremely large in shaping breastfeeding behavior."

See what they did there? Spent hundreds of words telling you how good breastfeeding is, and then spring on you that women who work don't breastfeed as much as women who don't. Ergo, working mothers are EVIL CHILD-STARVING UNNATURAL FAMILY SELFISH WHORES.

I amped up the subtext a smidge, but the cumulative effect of reading half a dozen Howard e-mails in a row does the same thing.

Oh, by the way, women joining the workforce have also kept the black man down. No, really. The Howards suggest in yet another e-mail that women have been taking all the jobs that the civil rights movement opened to African-Americans. If it weren't for this mailing list, I never would have realized that feminists were America's secret racists.

Thank you, Howard Center, for filling another Friday with your bountiful stupidity. Keep up the fight!

Hold The Marinara, Aerial Or Otherwise

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 23:12:01 -0500

Internet, 22 September 2005

I'm warning you right now, this is going to sound awful.

It's going to sound petty, and small, and like sour grapes from a no-audience motherfucker who couldn't create a meme even if he wanted to. But I have to say this anyway, have to raise the banner and see how many tag along.

The line for the Official Spaghetti Monster Backlash starts right here, behind me.

I'm sorry. As much as I hate creationists, as much as I love mocking creationists, the next son of a bitch that mentions that pastabeast to me is getting the Johnny Cage nut-punch, Jack Thompson be damned. I have never gotten that sick, that fast, of any trendy Net meme.

If you've heard of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you know what I mean. And if you haven't heard of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you'll probably be sending the website to the rest of us in the next couple of days. I hate to say it, because you all mean well, but I've got to get out ahead of the hatecurve on this one.

It's not that it's not clever. It is. And it's not that it's not funny. It is. And that's fine. We need more clever funny things in the world. But it's not helping.

It's the liberal version of the American tourist thinking that if they just talk slowly and loudly enough, the French waiter will suddenly comprehend that you would like the chef to make you a Taco Supreme. The only people who get it are the other American tourists at the next table.

People always do this. They always start with the "If we teach Christian creation, then we have to teach Hindu creation and Native American creation and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, because they're all just creation myths."

It seems like a good argument, but you know, if it actually fucking worked, we wouldn't be staring at Kansas and weeping in the year 2005, would we? We would not. The very fact that the argument is on a fancy modern website is a priori evidence that it don't mean shit.

You've heard it here before, but you're not going to convince true believers that all those heathen superstitions are on par with their One Truth. They don't think that way. They don't really think at all. Your clever little gotcha sails over their heads while they get their Marching Morons elected to your school board. You're fiddling with fettucine while science burns.

It's very telling that he's gotten responses from the Kansas school board... but only from the three supporters of evolution. The rest are not taking him seriously. He has no cause. And all the cute pictures ain't gonna make one single creationist question their position for a millisecond.

And I know it's traditional, but from one provider of Net content to another, must Mr. Henderson be such a tacky whore? The occasional CafePress T-Shirt is one thing, but donations to "support the cause"? A plea for someone to hire him for a real job, right in the middle of the main page? Call me a snob if you must, but know that each one of these loving, hand-crafted missives, every one typed with both pinkies delicately fucking extended, has at least been free of desperate pleas for money, fame, or a replacement for the day job. I may not be above turning that shit down, but I'm above begging for it.

And then there's the audience. Nerds can't let it be. Nerds gotta run it into the fucking ground. Writing up your own little fanficcy "encounters" and expanding the fake religion. You're not helping either. It's fine if you just want to be a part of a netfad, but don't fool yourself in the slightest.

Maybe I'm just a cranky old fucker whose cynicism blinds him to the joy of the spaghetti monster. But this shit is important, and chuckling leftie circlejerks are not the answer.