You Are Dumb - Georgia

Free At Last

Tue, 13 May 2008 18:17:27 -0500

Racism, 14 May 2008

Memo to America: CONGRATULATIONS!

I admit, I resisted. I didn't believe. But I've come around. Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck have convinced me. And so I'd like to congratulate America on eliminating racism. Yay us!

In fact, let me go one step further and admit I was wrong. As a liberal, I thought for years that the only way to truly eliminate racism was time. Over the years, an increasingly diverse and open culture would educate the young, while old racists would gradually die off. Turns out that's a strategy for patient suckers. All you really need to do is redefine actions so that they're not racist anymore!

And if recent reports are correct, two of the last big racist holdouts just got redefined:

NOT LIKING BLACK PEOPLE

This was always a biggie. There's a lot of gray-area stuff when it comes to racism, but even back in the day, not liking black people was fairly conclusive evidence. But thanks to Barack Obama's historic candidacy, this former benchmark of bigotry is no more. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"They won't go for a black man, that's just it. I don't think it's being racist necessarily, they just don't like black people that well. The arrogance and all that bothers me more than black, but black is a close second. Our generation was back when blacks were the back of the bus, and it's hard to change that outlook. I just feel like I couldn't vote for him." - R.K. Horton, West Virginia.

There you have it. And really, that's the tiny concession a lot of white Americans have been waiting for. And now that they're free to dislike black people in a non-racist way, especially in regards to arrogant black people who won't stay on the back of the bus, I think the healing can finally begin.

CALLING BLACK PEOPLE MONKEYS

This was another one that was difficult to topple. Comparing black people to jungle-dwelling animals - something that looks vaguely human, but is in reality no more than a beast to cage and make dance for our amusement - was for some reason seen as offensive for nearly three decades.

But our long national nightmare is over, thanks to Georgia resident Mike Norman. Norman's establishment, Mulligan's Bar and Grill, has for years been regarded as the Algonquin Round Table of northwest Atlanta outer-ring suburbs thanks to thought-provoking signage like "I wish Hillary had married OJ".

And now, some dare call him a racist, just because he's reselling T-shirts he bought off the Web that have a picture of Curious George above the "Obama '08" slogan. Please. As if there was any racism on the Internet to begin with. But I'll let the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's paraphrase of Norman's defense speak for him.

'Norman said those offended are "hunting for a reason to be mad' and insisted he is 'not a racist.' Norman said he sees nothing wrong with depicting Obama as Curious George. 'Look at him... the hairline, the ears, he looks just like Curious George,' Norman said. He said he did not design the shirts himself but bought them through a Web site. He said he views it as just coincidence that the character on the T-shirt is a monkey."

See? People were literally ready to lynch Norman over a coincidence. Plus, as many enlightened commentors from Atlanta pointed out, since we've spent the last eight years calling Dubya a monkey because he's stupid, it's not racist to call Obama a monkey because he's black.

It's almost ironic. After all, it's right-wing not-racists who've been warning us for decades that the forces of "political correctness" would make it so that the most innocent, innocuous utterances from pale, pink lips would get that speaker thrown in jail as a hate criminal. But not only were those fears completely unfounded, the exact opposite has happened, and it's the black-hating offensive Southern white males who've freed us from the shackles of racism once and for all.

Well, except for Jeremiah Wright. That dude is totally a racist.

Whole Lotta Sucking

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 21:03:41 -0500

Sex, 13 June 2007

Memo to Thurbert Baker: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's disappointing, but expected, when public officials take the easy way out. They take shortcuts. They abandon their principles because it's easier that way. It's a shame, but we all understand why it happens.

Which is why I find it so astonishing and inexplicable when a public official not only doesn't take the easy way out, but doesn't take it when doing so would actually earn him kudos from all right-thinking people. But that's just what Thurbert Baker did, and I have to ask. WHY?

Thurbert Baker is the attorney general of Georgia. In the last couple of years, he's had to deal with a fairly troubling and infamous case - the ten year prison sentence of Genarlow Wilson. Four years ago, when he was 17, Wilson got a blowjob. The girl willingly performing said act was 15. As a result, Wilson was charged and convicted of aggravated sexual molestation and sentenced to ten years in prison.

This is, of course, ridiculous, and is the single biggest over-reaction to a blowjob since... well, we all remember the nineties, don't we. Anyway, outrage was fomented. Billionaire Mark Cuban and ex-President Jimmy Carter spoke out on how stupid Georgia was being. Georgia has since amended its laws to keep this from happening again, but, being GEORGIA, managed to fail to make it retroactive, or amend the law so that Wilson could challenge his sentence.

He challenged the sentence anyway, and on Monday, a superior court judge saw reason, reduced Wilson's sentence to a year, gave him credit for the 28 months he's already served, and ordered his release. Yay! It took four years, but reason eventually joined peaches as a product of Georgia. It's the kind of happy ending you won't get thrown in jail for.

Until, 45 minutes later, Thurbert Baker appealed the judge's decision, keeping Wilson in jail. Which, no matter what way you look at it, is the douche move to end all douche moves.

Thurbert had an out! He had a clear, clean exit strategy from a messy, ugly case that was making his state look bad. All he had to do was let it go. Why wouldn't he let it go? Why wouldn't ANYBODY let it go? Even assuming he feels like he says he feels, and the judge acted outside his authority in overturning the sentence, SO WHAT?! The kid was in jail for 28 months for getting his membership privileged. Any reasonable, sane person can believe justice has been served.

Thurbert seems inexplicably upset that Wilson and his lawyers rejected a plea deal that would have meant a maximum of five years in prison and not going on a sex offender list. Gee, I can't imagine why they perhaps might have lacked faith in the Georgia judicial system. I mean, he's only been sentenced under a law that would have given him a lighter sentence, under Romeo and Juliet provisions, if his dick had ended up in a different orifice. And that's without delving into any of the potential racial implications.

This is quite possibly the one time in recent history where placing political expediency over a strict interpretation of the law could have made EVERYBODY HAPPY. And this is the time Thurbert Baker chooses to break with the great American tradition of ducking the issue? Fucking genius.

Reverends: Threat Or Menace?

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 14:04:21 -0500

Main Column, 18 May 2005

Memo to runaway brains: YOU ARE DUMB.

If you're a regular reader of this column, you're already aware that the Georgia runaway bride thing was a complete waste of what passes for a national consciousness these days. But the beast must be fed, and so we were subjected to weeks of speculation, commentary, and analysis on something that, in a more innocent time, would have been a funny story in a small-town newspaper.

But at least I understand why the news networks gave time, attention, and effort to the case. They're whores, and having overcommitted to the Scott Peterson cum Amber Alert hysteria when Ms. Wilbanks went walkabout, they had to save face and manufacture a national media circus to cover their own asses. I don't RESPECT it, but I understand it.

What I don't understand, beyond the fundamental principle that people are complete fucking idiots, is the compulsion some people had to get involved in some way. Which is where the fine, glorious people at the Smoking Gun enter the picture. They got a hold of about a thousand letters people wrote to the city of Duluth, GA offering advice on how the city should handle the situation. A THOUSAND LETTERS. Probably bigger than the turnout in Duluth's last election. The Smoking Gun posted a few dozen of them, and they reveal flavors and shades of retardation that stun even a jaded tardwatcher such as myself.

One common theme amongst the troglodyte set who managed, somehow, to get their copies of Microsoft Word running and correctly answer the paperclip that noticed they seemed to be writing a psychotic missive to a small-town government, is Ms. Wilbanks' appearance, as if her physical attractiveness should have some kind of bearing on any criminal or civil action the city might take.

From the simple "Kind of a bowser." to the socioculturally/anatomically iffy "Jennifer Wilbanks is an ugly bug-eyed woman, all mesed up in the head. No, sorry, she doesn't have a head at all. My ex is 10 times better looking than this.", people I guarantee couldn't get a modeling gig in a zombie fetish mag were taking the time out to tell the city government that the runaway bride was ugly. Aren't people great?

Next, I'd like to turn to what I call the Bill Frist Memorial Institute of Remote Diagnosis Crazystupid people providing expert medical advice based entirely on snippets of video or photos.

"Just looking at her, I would seriouisly question her emotional stability...she has a "strange" look" - A bit imprecise, but I'm sure they thought they were being helpful. People like this always think they're being helpful, because they're idiots.

But my favorite is this. From an actual doctor. James Eichmeier, MD, of Okemos, Michigan. I mention his name because I can, and on the off chance any of my readers sit on medical ethics boards in Michigan. Jennifer, in all the pictures on TV, had white showing all around her pupils. This could be from Graves Disease, a form of Hyperthyroidism. It could potentially make her goofey in the head." Now, I haven't checked in with the DSM-IV in some time, but I'm pretty sure GOOFEY IN THE HEAD ain't fuckin' in there.

But to my mind, the best of the bunch - better than the guy warning the city about the "Oriental looking gentleman" lurking off-camera during a news conference, better than the woman who constructed an elaborate Julia Roberts conspiracy theory to demonstrate how the media is corrupting America, better even than the crazy old self-professed psychic who provided sketches of the two people who abducted the bride, are two letter writers I have dubbed the Pissed-Off Scrawlin' Reverends.

The first deviates from many by not having typed his screed at all, but rather just faxed one piece of paper in which, in thick black marker, was written: "The 'Lady' must pay for embarassing the police, the city, the country. If she was a poor mexican or black woman, she would be stoned to death in public after 40 lashes have been applied to her naked body. Land of Equality! My Butt" - That was the Rev. Frank Varelli, who has given us enough information that, were any of us actually to visit the Rev. in his home or church office, we'd know to stay far, far away from his My Pictures folder.

Our other Man of God is the Reverend Alan Jones, of the Concerned Citizens of Duluth. Jones goes way beyond "concerned" and into "apoplexy". First, he typed a page-long faxed missive demanding that the bride be committed to a mental institution, raving about the debauchery of Southern Baptists, and threatening to report them to the Baptist overlords. Then he starts getting crazy.

Apparently feeling his typed missive did not adequately cover the ground he wished to cover, the Rev. started adding handwritten bits - a note at the top reminding the recipient that "This is an OUTRAGE!!!", a post-post-script condemning Wilbanks for covering her face in the airport, and best of all, a postscript that exposes an aspect of Baptist ministry and concerned citizenry I'd been previously unaware of:

"She best watch the good ol boys in these parts - They'll giver what John couldn't." I can't remember. Where in the Bible is it that when a woman incites a media circus that offends you, you should advocate for her public rape by rednecks? Probably in Paul.

The Importance Of Pacing

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 14:06:18 -0500

Main Column, 17 May 2005

Memo to the Right-Wing Irony Machine: SLOW DOWN.

Seriously, it's getting very difficult for me to keep track of, much less keep up with, the number of ultraconservative psychos who are getting caught fucking orifices, genders, or species they're not supposed to. If you all would perhaps spread out your admissions and allegations a bit, it would make my life a hell of a lot easier, you know.

We've already talked about Jim West, the rabidly anti-gay mayor of Spokane, who taught us that if you troll gay chat rooms because you like fucking young men (and just HOW young is a debate that has yet to be settled), you're not gay, you're actually ASEXUAL. Maybe it's the beginnings of an attempt to redefine "asexual" the way they want to redefine "torture", that way every moralistic godmonkey caught with his dick in the cookie jar can claim it's not his fault. He's too asexual for his car, too asexual for his car, too asexual by far.

Here's one thing "asexual" doesn't mean. It doesn't mean ANY PORT IN A STORM. Presented for your disapproval, Dr. W. David Hager. The last time you heard Hager's name, Bush had stuck him on the FDA's advisory panel for contraceptive issues. He was instrumental in keeping emergency contraception prescription-only (thereby also allowing the Asshat Pharmacist Problem to arise), and generally interfering with RU-486 as well. He's a gynecologist! The author of "As Jesus Cared For Women"! And if his ex-wife is to be believed, occasional dabbler in the anal rape. OOPS.

To be fair, in Hager's case, this is not a strict case of right-wing hypocrisy. His entire career has been based on women not having control of their own bodies, after all, so why should his narcoleptic wife have control of her body? Women simply have to be prepared to live with certain biological consequences of their bad choices, after all. And apparently the bad choice of marrying Dr. Hager means accepting the consequence of seven years of unwanted back-door shenanigans that start while you're unconscious.

The former Mrs. Hager finally told her story, she said, after hearing a speech by Buttburglar at Asbury College where he waxed all pious and bullshitty about the collapse of his marriage, and pushing the "liberals are waging a war against Christianity, and I'm one of the victims" line. So she went to the Nation, and now we all know how Hager allegedly likes it - all anal, all non-consensual, all the time.

But there is some good news for Hager - his wife IS human, which gives him the silver in the Pro-Life Sexual Olympics. The judges scored it pretty narrowly, but did end up ranking "anal rape of your sleeping wife" slightly below "publicly admitting to fucking livestock on national radio" in the grand scheme of things. I think it was a degree of difficulty thing. Or possibly a slight misstep on the dismount.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me set the stage. The place? Alan Colmes radio show. (Alan Colmes is the partner of Sean Hannity - their relationship differs from Hager and his ex in that Colmes/Hannity's is metaphorical). The players? Colmes and Neal Horsley, native Georgian, anti-abortion extremist. You know that big deal a while back about a website listing abortion doctors names and addresses, in "wanted poster" format, and one of 'em got killed? That site was Horsley's.

So anyway, Horsley's on the radio, and Colmes asks him about accusations he's fucked men and animals. He doesn't cop to the gay stuff, but seemed to have no problem insisting that "When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule." And he wasn't joking, or playing around, he was dead serious. Look it up - the full transcript's out there. Streaming audio, even.

In addition to being completely insane, completely hilarious, and yet another of America's self-imposed morality police turning out to be both freaky and deaky, it raises a new question for those of us here at You Are Dumb Dot Net. As we've seen in the past, in Louisiana they fuck pigs, in Wisconsin they fuck cows, and now, apparently in Georgia, they fuck mules. Probably 'cause they learned mules can't get pregnant. Three different states, three different animals.

I'm beginning to suspect that, much like flowers, birds, and commemorative quarter backs, each state has it's own official-but-secret Bestiality Target. Perhaps caribou in Alaska - it's where they want to drill, after all. Me, I grew up in New York and Connecticut, and never fucked any animals, but you know. Late bloomer and all. Hell, I don't even know what we're supposed to fuck here in Minnesota - can't even get a clue from our sports teams. Twins and Vikings are both human, and Wild is awfully vague. Given the weather, it's probably tauntauns. And you thought they smelled bad on the OUTSIDE.

Creationists: The Stupidest People On The Planet (Day Three)

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 13:42:30 -0500

Main Column, 24 November 2004

Memo to Creationists: YOU ARE STILL DUMB.

Welcome to Creationists: The Stupidest People On The Planet Week: Day Three. Thus far, we've learned that creatinonists want to teach your children, think black people are like monkeys, and believe that Martin Luther may have had to wait for a DINOSAUR to finish walking past before he could nail things to a church. And we're letting them rewrite biology textbooks.

It is a battle taking place in the year 2004, what many of us considered "the future" when we were growing up. It's a battle pitting 200 years of hard work, learning, and thought against remarketed superstition and hokum. At most, they should be treated like a pesky six-year-old who's patiently explaining to his mother that he's found an elephant in his closet. Nod, smile, give them a cookie, and under no circumstances let them drive the minivan. But showing remarkable savvy for people who can't count past 6,000, the creationists are fighting all over the country, and winning.

Dover Area School District, Pennsylvania: Henceforth known as the Scraggly Toehold of the Stinky Foot of the Creationist Horde. The district has just become the first in the nation to approve the teaching of "intelligent design". Now, remember, I.D. is creationism with the serial numbers filed off. It's a pseudoscientific rubber mask covering the ugly face of the Six Thousand Year Universe People. It is a lie, and it will be taught to children in rural Pennsylvania in the name of "balance".

It's important, by the way, to remember WHY the mask is necessary, and why the creationists have to put on a white lab coat from the Halloween Store before they can say anything. Teaching creationism in public schools is ILLEGAL. Unconstitutional. Can't do it. Supreme Court said so. Not allowed. No way, no how. If creationists robbed a bank, and explained that it wasn't a robbery, it was an "unconventional transfer of funds", they would still go to prison. Yet "Intelligent Design" gets a pass, because there are plenty of people in positions of power willing to aid and abet the obvious charade.

People like William Buckingham, born-again Christian and, coincidentally, evil fucking idiot. It's ACTUAL CREATIONIST QUOTE TIME!

"I think it's a downright fraud to perpetrate on the students of this district, to portray one theory over and over," Mr. Buckingham said. "What we wanted was a balanced presentation." Really. That's a downright fraud, Mr. Buckingham? If teaching the thing for which there is evidence instead of the thing for which there is not is "downright fraud", then bypassing a constitutional restrictions using a name change and some sleight of hand is first-degree intellectual murder.

Mr. Buckingham also said that "This is not an attempt to impose my views on anyone else." Interestingly, there are two competing and equally valid theories behind the source of this statement - the Bastardists believe that Mr. Buckingham is both lying through his teeth and knows it, while the Delusionists believe that Buckingham actually believes that he's not imposing his view on others, even though he patently is.

Grantsburg, Wisconsin: The school board there has approved the teaching of "multiple theories of origin", which also means CREATIONISM. The president of the school board that approved this decision is David Ahlquist. Ahlquist is the pastor at the town's Grace Baptist Church. He also says, "I've tried not to let my particular view on evolution or origins get in the way of my academic. To promote only one view is indoctrination." Given that viewpoint, I'll be looking for a Buddhist with a bullhorn who's free on Sunday and knows where the fuck Grantsburg, WI is. Wouldn't want the Grace Baptists presenting only one view, would we?

Georgia: In the land of Zell Miller, they're trying to decide whether to add a "warning sticker" to textbooks informing students that evolution is not all that, and certainly should not have a bag of chips added to it. A WARNING STICKER. It should have a little cartoon devil on it. "Dipshit the Devil says - DARWIN'S IN HELL WITH ME! Don't be like Darwin, kids!"

Today, it's two small towns and a hick state. But that's three more locales than there should be. It just emboldens them. Makes them try for more. And they have allies in high places.

Gluttons For Punishment

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 13:01:39 -0500

Main Column, 26 March 2004

Memo to Gluttons For Punishment: YOU ARE DUMB.

What, do you enjoy this? Is this some kind of Southern S&M thing? Do you secretly thrill at the words of anger from us Northerners? You're like some kind of coprophilic dog who keeps pooping on the carpet because he gets off on having his nose rubbed in it.

I mean, I look over at Tennessee for a few minutes, and all of a sudden Georgia, who tried to get rid of the word "evolution" a month or so back, is now trying to ban genital piercings. But only for women.

Can you people not be left alone for one second without fucking things up? Is all the mercury in the water bringing out everyone's latent tightass qualities simultaneously? Has something emboldened public officials, and if so, what, and can we find it and kill it?

See, what apparently happened is that the Georgia House of Representatives was pondering a bill banning involuntary female genital mutilation. Now, I don't know how big a problem female genital mutilation is in Georgia, but let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say that the problem was absolutely rampant, and if the legislature hadn't acted when they did, there wouldn't be a functioning clitoris in the Atlanta city limits by the end of the decade. I do not have a particular problem with banning the harmful rituals of a superstitious group of people, even if I'm also sure that a vast majority of GA's legislators wouldn't treat their own superstitions equally.

But then Rep. Bill Heath tacked on an amendment adding "piercing" to the list of outlawed female genital mutilations. And the whole thing passed the House unanimously. UNANIMOUSLY. Not one member of the Georgia House of Representatives thought this might be a bad thing. Not one member noted that after this law, the Prince Albert would still be perfectly legal. Nobody.

I need to quote from the Associated Press here, because they have captured a pristine moment of cluelessness and deserve the credit. Amendment sponsor Rep. Bill Heath, R-Bremen, was slack-jawed when told after the vote that some adults seek the piercings. "What? I've never seen such a thing," Heath said. "I, uh, I wouldn't approve of anyone doing it. I don't think that's an appropriate thing to be doing."

How are these people even getting on ballots? Do the state parties actively search under rocks and in hermit caves for their candidates? I am not a huge fan of the metal-filled hole in one's junk, but I have, on occasion, heard that it happens. What else doesn't Bill Heath know about, and how long before he bans it?

This, like Ryan County's gayhate, is one of those things that'll get national play, everyone will point and laugh, and the amendment won't become law. But the astonishing fact remains - ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY elected lawmakers in the state of Georgia passed this bill, complete with amendment, without any debate.

If anything should be criminal, this kind of mental mutilation ought to be. Voting for this amendment should be an impeachable offense, and Georgia should be forced to replace its entire legislature. In fact, as a gesture of outreach, the new legislature should be made up ENTIRELY of people with genital piercings. In fact, they can just switch places. All the genitally-pierced can go to the legislature, and all the legislators can be forced to work for Hot Topic at minimum wage. Once the guys that operate the metal detectors at the Capitol building are retrained, it becomes a win-win for Georgia, for the South, and for the nation as a whole.

Plus, these fuckbrains probably can't work an electronic cash register worth a damn, so every time I'm in Georgia, I'll be able to get me a bunch of T-shirts for cheap. BONUS.

The Forces Of Regression

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 13:14:40 -0500

Main Column, 3 February 2004

Memo to the forces of regression: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's two thousand and four. I mean, I know you've noticed, because you're writing "'04" on your checks, but have you actually noticed? Three years AFTER 2001. Twenty years AFTER 1984. We're supposed to be better now. Wiser. Smarter. Flying around in jetpacks or something. But we're not. And I've become convinced it's because of forces of regression. A bunch of dumb sonsabitches who are dragging their feet on the march to THE FUTURE. And I'm callin' em out.

Michael Powell, chairman of the FCC: It is not 1962. You do not need to protect us from a tit. Or the F-bomb. We do not need a full-scale investigation into a Super Bowl halftime show while the administration is getting away with shit that makes Nixon weep for being born 30 years too soon. Go back to your office, try to keep the beaver shots on Teletubbies below, say, five a year, consider protecting the public airwaves by keeping them vaguely public, and GET OUT OF THE WAY.

Groundhog Day: Can we stop, now? We've got weather.com, we've got satellites. Right now, even as we speak, there are a couple of tiny, remote controlled buggies tooling around on the surface of Mars, sending us back three-dimensional stereoscopic pictures of another planet. Yet people are still wasting time and energy watching a rat in Pennsylvania for its meteorological insights. The people of Punxsutawney have ridden this freakish ancient superstitious gravy train for too long, now. They're cut off.

Georgia: And speaking of tradition ruining things for the rest of us. Georgia wants to stop using the word "evolution" in schools. Consider this a warning shot across the bow of creationists, who may be the dumbest people on earth: you're gonna show up here a lot.

Creationists are like vile, oozing, black-hearted little idiot savants, who can somehow manage to finagle school boards and politicians into doing their bidding, come up with cute names like "intelligent design theory", all while firmly believing that the earth is only six thousand years old and an invisible man in the sky put all the fossils under Arizona.

And they don't even have an ulterior motive. It's not like, say, certain monkeys in power denying global warming because if they do anything about it, it'll piss off all their friends and wipe out their bank accounts. No. The creationists do all this because, if they don't, a few thousand repeatedly translated words in a millenia-old book written by dozens of people back when writing stuff down was NEW AND TRENDY might not be 100% accurate.

I say we eat 'em. I know cannibalism is a big taboo these days. Thanks to Michael Powell's new scrutiny, they've had to scrap the big cannibalism performance from next year's Super Bowl. But creationists are like a giant, inbred roadblock between us and Utopia. And with all the groundhogs and boobfear holding us back too, we're gonna need a lot of energy to push forward. So let's eat all the creationists. They're probably even low-carb.