Don't Look, Marian!
13 January, 2011 - 19:32 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Creationists: FINALLY.
It's been a very difficult few years for creationists, as far as I'm concerned. Dover took the wind out of their sails in such a big way that I've found very few examples of the little moron bastards trying to mount a comeback. They've given up trying to get into the public schools, so all they have left is a half-assed attempt to maintain social credibility through the occasional Kirk Cameron publicity stunt or Bill O'Reilly tidal wave.
And, apparently, theme parks.
Answers In Genesis, who were, until the rise of the Tea Party, America's number one source for intellectual degeneracy, have decided to build upon the apparent and disheartening success of their Creation Museum with "Ark Encounters", a Noah's Ark-themed...theme park to be built over the next few years in the same general part of Kentucky as the Creation Museum.
The centerpiece of Ark Encounter will be, unsurprisingly, a full-size recreation of the actual Noah's Ark, which will be tricky on account of there being no actual Noah's Ark on which to base that recreation. I mean, what will a bunch of creationists do when they realize there aren't any facts to back up their stories? Oh, right.
They're also going to build replicas of the Tower of Babel, which didn't exist; a first-century Middle Eastern village, which DID exist, but not in the way they're going to rebuild it; a "walled city", which is what I assume they're calling their food court, and probably dinosaurs. Because Answers In Genesis thinks there were dinosaurs on Noah's Ark.
Now, I'm actually not too worked up about this. They have every right, in these United States, to raise money and market their ridiculous fucking ideas in whatever ridiculous fucking way they see fit. A sucker evolves every minute, as Octopus Darwin once said, and if they think there's money in selling simple, wrong ideas to a simple, wrong, audience? Well, it's not like a flip through your cable guide won't bring up ample evidence for THAT "theory".
Of course, there is the small factor that they've applied to the state of Kentucky for tax incentives, on the grounds that their research shows they'll make a bajillion dollars and create all the jobs. And that the Democratic governor of the state, apparently unaware of the creationist community's traditional difficulty with numbers higher than 6,000, is supporting their bid. That's a bit wonky.
But they wouldn't be creationist Jesus-freak dickheads if they didn't become the world's smuggest martyrs every time we find out what they're up to and laugh at them. And so their official site has a blog post entitled "DID WE STRIKE A CHORD (OR A NERVE)?" in which they make the traditional assumption that positive attention means they're right, and negative attention means they're REALLY RIGHT.
"With all the media attention (both mocking and embracing the project), one might imagine what was said about Noah when he began building the biblical Ark."
Well, technically, one "must" imagine it. Because even your fake historical records don't really say what wasn't actually said to the fake man when he was not building his fake boat to save an impossibly-sized subset of life on Earth from being drowned in a non-existent flood spurred by an archaic, repressed notion of sin. But even discounting all that, you're going to sit there and compare a few snarky blog posts and questioning newspaper op-eds to the alleged trials and tribulations Noah endured? I guess climbing up on a wooden structure and martyring yourself is an Old Testament thing, too.
Oh, that article, by the way, also includes this. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"The Ark is a common target for those who wish to mock the Bible or turn its historical accounts into fables with maybe an element of moral teaching. Rather than taking the account in the Bible at face value, many allow a modern 'scientific' mindset to impact their understanding of Scripture. And that’s one main reason why we’re building an Ark."
If I'm reading this right, these Biblical literalists are trying to build an Ark to show how it can be done literally, in order to counter people who try to think about it "scientifically" with ironic scare quotes, because those science people come to the conclusion that you can't do it literally. But it's not a figurative fable or moral teaching, either. That's a smidge convoluted, even for creationists.