You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Because of the hectic life schedule, this week will contain nothing but a-topical pre-written content. Things should return to normal, or something approaching normal, next week.
Memo to Sky Dentist: YOU ARE STILL DUMB.
Yesterday, I introduced you to Dr. Jobe Martin, Sky Dentist! A man whose ability to help fill Lyndon B. Johnson's incisors on Air Force One makes him eminently qualified to challenge the theory of evolution in three separate 45-minute documentaries, "Incredible Creatures That Defy Evolution", made possible for my mocking by Netflix Instant Streaming.
But Sky Dentist was not always on the side of Jesus. For many years, as a result of studying biology and dentistry, he actually believed... in evolution. It's true! Sky Dentist even admits it! And he explains what he learned about evolution, which goes a long way toward explaining a whole bunch of things. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"Evolution, as I was taught, it all started with a thing called the Big Bang. This Big Bang went 'kaboom', and shot out hydrogen gas, mostly."
In other words, Sky Dentist was taught evolution as cosmology, and was either taught THAT wrong or didn't learn it right. Anyway, he then goes from the Big Bang to humans, compressing billions of years and hundreds of different scientific processes into a two-minute spiel filled with lots of dismissive "somehows" that creationists use to pretend that things they don't understand are actually things that nobody knows.
So at this point we have Sky Dentist, at the beginning of the 70s, with a flawed understanding of evolution, but an understanding nonetheless. But then he got transferred to Baylor Dental College in Texas. Now it all starts to make sense. People often turn to faith in times of great hardship.
Anyway, he says he was giving a lecture on the evolution of the tooth, which I find completely plausible given the time and location. And after the lecture, he was approached by two students asking him if he'd ever looked into creation science, which, again, completely plausible. Sky Dentist had never heard of creationism, despite his conversion to Christianity five years before, so he decided to look into it, and decided it made PERFECT SENSE.
In the spirit of creationism, I will accept Sky Dentist's completely ludicrous, evidence-free story as completely true, just on faith. Well, except for this part:
"And then they asked me to start studying some animals and see if I thought that animal could evolve."
Now, I know I'm naturally faith-deficient, but I'm sorry. I simply can't buy that Jobe Miller, Doctor of Dentistry, member of the Molar High Club, and esteemed lecturer at the prestigious Baylor Dental College, would go off and "study some animals" because a couple of students asked him to. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it, and so he went and studied giraffes. And his studies led to an amazing discovery:
Giraffes' heads explode every time they take a drink of water.
Or they would, were it not for a complicated series of clearly designed mechanisms that not only prevent giraffian cerebral kaboomage, but allow the giraffe to stop drinking water and run away from lions at a moment's notice. Just like the bombardier beetle, Sky Dentist envisions a world filled with proto-giraffes, each of whom tries a different way to bend its head down, then explodes.
IMPORTANT GIRAFFE ASIDE: Sky Dentist also points out, almost casually, that evolution can't explain how giraffes can tell the difference between a lion and a zebra. Coincidentally, it also can't explain how sky dentists can tell the difference between actual science and the river of diarrhea that flows from their mouths to your Netflix-compatible device.
So there you have it. Without the hand of Almighty God, the earth would be nothing but a vast wasteland, riddled with the fragmented corpses of exploded animals. But if you think that's the extent of Sky Dentist's crazy, you are both right and wrong. On Thursday, after a quote-filled intermission, we'll learn some exciting things about Sky Dentist's theology, and discuss his overall thematic argument.