Ness And The Unthinkables
26 June, 2012 - 21:36 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Louisiana: YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK!
One of the first things I ever wrote for You Are Dumb Dot Net, back in the early days, was a theme week entitled "Creationists: The Stupidest People On The Planet". And in the entire time I've done the column, that hasn't changed. What has changed is that, since Dover, the creationists have largely stayed in their legally-defined pen, leaving me with little opportunity to mock them with the ferocity that they deserve.
Which is why I'd like to thank that vaguely ethnic Kenneth The Page, Bobby Jindal, for being a tool of fundie motherfuckers. Because Louisiana just passed one of those right-wing "school choice" laws. You know, the kind where public money is funneled to religious schools through "vouchers" in the name of allowing Christian parents to have taxes pay to teach their kids fantasy.
Well, the passage of this law led to some scrutiny of just what these schools getting this money teach, which has called attention to their textbooks, which has revealed the biology textbook produced by the fine fucktards at Accelerated Christian Education since 1999, which has revealed this passage. And oh, what a passage it is.
"Are dinosaurs alive today? Scientists are becoming more convinced of their existence. Have you heard of the `Loch Ness Monster' in Scotland? `Nessie,' for short has been recorded on sonar from a small submarine, described by eyewitnesses, and photographed by others. Nessie appears to be a plesiosaur."
The best part? The next paragraph says there is no evidence whatsoever that fish evolved into amphibians.
This has apparently been a thing that creationists have been saying for DECADES. That the Loch Ness Monster is real, that it's been spotted on sonar, and IS A DINOSAUR, and therefore, creationism!
This is the kind of breakdown in logic that makes you question creationists' basic understanding, not of biology, not of the scientific method, not of basic established fact, but of the very nature of causality. I mean, how does the logic even work? God created all the dinosaurs, then killed them all in the Flood, turning them into fossils, except this one, which lived, and has lived in this one lake for the entire time since Noah loaded up his floating bestiality palace?
I mean, for fuck's sake, their BIOLOGY TEXTBOOK contains an understanding of Loch Ness Monster science that is straight from the 1977 "In Search Of". We're getting another two weeks of protests from hardcore Catholics because the government is saying that private insurers have to take a little bit of Catholic money to pay for birth control pills, but Louisiana can give their tax money to schools that teach NESSIE PROVES GOD and nobody bats a fucking eye.
Someone's starting to primordially ooze out of their box. I think perhaps another slapdown is called for.