Glory Glory Schadenfrujah!
11 October, 2012 - 19:24 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Scott DesJarlais: YOU ARE MAKING ME RECONSIDER MY ATHEISM.
Well, not exactly, but I'm at least slightly more inclined to believe that miracles happen. Because sometimes, miracles happen.
I've been mulling, in my head, about a column whose central thesis was to point out that women have always taken every measure at their disposal to control their reproduction, and the improvements over the centuries in the means and availability of those methods are part of the advance of civilization.
And then Scott DesJarlais, Republican Tea Party congressman from, yes, MOTHERFUCKING TENNESSEE, went and proved it for me, in what is my new favorite news story in the entire universe. ACTUAL LEDE TIME!
"A pro-life, family-values congressman who worked as a doctor before winning election as a Tea Party-backed Republican had an affair with a patient and later pressured her to get an abortion, according to a phone call transcript obtained by The Huffington Post."
Let's just savor that paragraph. Roll it around in your head like a puppy rolls around in blankets. Inhale it like the heady scent of a perfume (Schadenfreude, For Him). BATHE IN IT.
Dear sweet mother of fuck, the nouns alone! Values. Congressman. Doctor. Tea. Affair. Patient. Abortion. That right there is a seven course meal of delicious irony. There's high end phyllo dough with fewer layers than DesJarlais' ethical lapses.
And then, for dessert, the verbs and adjectives! Pro-life! Pressured! Get... an abortion! I admit, that last verb needs the object to really make sense and shine in all its glory, but still.
All this effusiveness is keeping me from getting to the details, which are as awesome, if not more awesome, than just the facts of the case, but I don't care. Today is about celebrating. Celebrating the fact that, at the end of the day, all people want to decide how, when, and with whom they have children. So much so that they'll abandon all their phony principles the instant the pee hits the stick. Or, I suppose, since the phone call was from 2000, vigorously spend the next decade pretending they're better than they know they are so that they can pretend other people just like them are worse.
But I'll leave you with this before tomorrow. Scott DesJarlaine's official statement responding to the transcript of the phone call exposing this whole thing. The phone call HE TAPED HIMSELF, BY THE HOLY SHITTING WAY. Ready for the response? Because it's so pathetic you will wet yourself laughing. Pop on a Depends.
"Desperate personal attacks do not solve our nation's problems, yet it appears my opponents are choosing to once again engage in the same gutter politics that CBS news called the dirtiest in the nation just 2 years ago."
And if there's one thing Scott DesJarlaine seems to know about, it's ways of solving difficult problems.