You Are Dumb - Embryo Fetishism

Planned Patriarchy

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 08:09:29 -0600

Embryo Fetishism, 10 January 2008

Memo to men: YOU CAN'T HAVE ABORTIONS.

You would think I wouldn't even have to say this shit. You would think the idea would be ludicrous on the face of it. To have an abortion, you must be pregnant. To be pregnant, you must have a uterus. To have a uterus is to not be a man. It is to be a woman. The womb-woman correlation was established fairly early on in our species lifespan, and has held up well, at least until now.

Now men want abortions. Well, that's not exactly true. What they want is ownership of the abortions of the woman they impregnate. And they want that ownership so that they can bitch and whine about the abortions they didn't actually have as if they were forced to have them against their will. Which is definitely NOT what I'd call a uterus move.

"We had abortions. I've had abortions." - So spake Mark B. Morrow, Christian, alleged "counselor", and leading member of a movement which likes to call itself "post-abortive men". Myself, I prefer the term "whining fucking wanktards". Seriously. I know the embryo fetishism movement is full of melodramatic bullshit, but this takes the cake. Listen to this pile of ultramaudlin that opens the Los Angeles Times' piece on the movement and try not to gag.

"Jason Baier talks often to the little boy he calls Jamie. He imagines this boy -- his son -- with blond hair and green eyes, chubby cheeks, a sweet smile. But he'll never know for sure. His fiancee's sister told him about the abortion after it was over. Baier remembers that he cried. The next weeks and months go black. He knows he drank far too much. He and his fiancee fought until they broke up. 'I hated the world,' he said. Baier, 36, still longs for the child who might have been, with an intensity that bewilders him: 'How can I miss something I never even held?'"

Well, it's a lot easier when you're DELUSIONAL. You spend your days talking to a phantom child. You're so hung up on genetic potential that you had months of drunken blackouts. You are, to use a clinical term, fucked in the head.

It's bad enough that even on the pro-choice side, we've had to internalize the idea that abortion is a universally traumatic event, even when necessary and legal, for the woman who actually has it. It's not true, of course. And when it is true, it's the product of an ingrained culture propagated and promoted by the blastula-humpers. But now we're supposed to take into account the feelings of a bunch of assholes who are embracing their newfound victimhood the way Lennie embraces rabbits?

I don't care how bad you feel. I don't care if, like Chris Aubert, you suddenly had a revelation, years after two former girlfriends you knocked up had abortions, that abortion was awful. And that even though you've gone on to a happy marriage and five children conceived through the power of love and guilt, you would still undo the abortions if you had the chance. And that you didn't think about what that undoing might have done for either of the girlfriends' lives until a reporter asked you about it. None of that changes the fact that YOU DIDN'T HAVE AN ABORTION.

Lance Armstrong's ex-wife doesn't get to say she had a testicle removed. Well, OK, she gets to say she had one testicle removed, but that's only because that's how many he had left when she divorced him. She doesn't get to lay claim to the other one, is what I'm saying. Rudy Giuliani's wife and/or mistress(es) did not get treated for prostate cancer. These are all specific medical procedures related to specific bits of anatomy that the other gender lacks.

If you feel you must, have your "counseling meetings", which appear to be a sort of feedback-loop circle jerk where the goal is to convince everyone to feel worse and worse about their past doomed fertilizations. Gnash your teeth and rend your flesh and see if they make hairshirts in a polo for all I fucking care. But unless you were the one with your feet in the stirrups, stop saying you've had abortions, because you didn't, and your pathetic attempt to redefine terms just proves how big a sanctimonious asshole you are.

Celebrate Good Times Come On

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 07:57:20 -0500

Wisconsin, 19 June 2007

Memo to George Wilson: HELL, WHY NOT?

I admit, when I first heard about the idea for three days of Paul Hill memorial events in Milwaukee the last weekend of June, I thought it was an awful idea. But that was just my typical knee-jerk, bleeding-heart liberal bullshit kicking. Why can't we have Paul Hill Days?

I mean, here in Minnesota, they have Jesse James days, and there's not THAT big a difference between Paul Hill and Jesse James. If we're gonna have a rootin' tootin' hootin' hollerin' period festival celebrating a criminal who shot and murdered folks in the Old West, why can't we have something similar for a guy who murdered an abortion doctor and his escort in Florida during the mid-90's, right?

They're both cold-blooded killers. I don't see why celebrating one is OK and celebrating the other is wrong. I mean, sure, we haven't really romanticized the 1990s Midwest the way we have the 1880s Old West. And there haven't been decades of movies about rabid right-wing Christians, riding the asphalt range, six-shooter at their side, defending small villages of embryos from doctors in black hats. But that's just Hollywood leftist prejudice.

And OK, when I put a BIT more thought into it, even in the excessively mythologized Old West, most of the people dressing up and pretending to rob stagecoaches are in fact only in favor of pretending to rob stagecoaches. They're not looking to Jesse James as an example. They would probably be upset if someone actually grabbed a six-shooter and a horse and started chasing down armored cars.

Which is a bit different than how George Wilson, of the innocuously yet still creepily-named organization "Children Need Heroes", sees the executed criminal whose days he is organizing. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"On July 29th, 1994, Paul Hill boldly defended 31 babies from unspeakable violence by killing a paid assassin and his bodyguard. He was arrested, given a sham trial, and executed as a martyr. On the 13th anniversary of Paul Hill’s act of love and mercy, memorial events will be held in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to honor him as God’s man and our hero."

Um, yippie ki yay? Shit. This is awkward. Especially when you consider that my admittedly limited research doesn't turn up instances of Paul Hill wearing a hat of any pre-defined volume. I mean, calling shooting two people to death "an act of mercy"? That's not very nice. I mean, unless the two people are Hitler circa the late 20's and, say, Sherwood Schwartz right around 1960. And even then I don't think you should get a whole weekend of events.

I'm starting to suspect that perhaps this event is less a fun, family-centered celebration of the life of a legendary outlaw, and more a bunch of complete fucking psycho Jesus-freaks coming together (in, I might add, a city and a state that has no connection whatsoever to the event they're commemorating) in freakish worship of a cold-blooded blastula-humper who was deservedly put down like a rabid dog four years ago.

So, upon further consideration, I'm afraid I can't support Paul Hill Days at all, and I must amend my opening statement. Memo to George Wilson: YOU ARE DUMB, YOU FUCKING PSYCHO.

Oh, and the commemoration appears to include something called "Reenactment of 7-29-1994". I can only recommend that if you're going to be in Milwaukee that weekend, do not walk around wearing anything that might look like a lab coat. Better safe than sorry.

Redefining Lame

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 22:25:53 -0600

Embryo Fetishism, 20 November 2006

This week is officially Displaced Anger Week, in which the vast storehouse of anger I have at the thousands of bastards in the western metro suburbs of the Twin Cities who bought up all the fucking Wii's before 9am on Sunday. However, since writing columns about them would be dull and transparently jealous, I must find worthy targets to shift this burning fire of rage onto.

Which is why I'm glad I get to howl at Eric Keroack and George W. Bush. You all know who George W. Bush is. He's the lame duck. He's the guy who got humbled by a "thumpin'" on Election Day. So humbled he renominated Walrus Boy and a quartet of severely schlongheaded judges that couldn't get through the REPUBLICAN Congress, much less the new one. Which doesn't seem humbled or bipartisan to me, but I've been told by many mainstream news organizations that they have to work together to get things done, so I have to assume the definition of "working together" changes drastically when you cross the Potomac.

Because that's really the last big power left in Bush. The crazy asshole who ruins things can appoint even crazier, even assholier subordinates to jobs to ruin small details while Bush pees all over the big picture. At least with Bolton and the judges, the Senate gets to put the brakes on, but nothing short of bad publicity, a modicum of shame, or the 2008 elections can stop Eric Keroack from starting his new job.

His new job? Overseeing Title X funding. Title X funding is the $228 million the government spends each year so that poor people can afford contraceptives. The program serves about five million people a year - which, even assuming that that means ten million poor people having sex where one of them is protected, seems woefully inadequate. But it's something.

And soon to be in charge of that money that helps millions of people afford contraception is a man who doesn't believe in contraception. No, really. He's not just an embryo-fetishist. He's not just a zygote fetishist. This guy is a GAMETE FETISHIST. This is a guy that, given a choice between Kinsey and Onan, turns to Onan for his scientific literature on human sexuality. The guy runs "A Woman's Concern" in Boston, which is one of those "pregnancy health centers" you may have heard about - the ones that are an unparalleled force for evil.

You know. They're in the phone book right next to real doctors. They get federal funding just like real doctors. They wear white coats just like real doctors. And they're staffed entirely by psychotic fundies whose only goal is to make sure woman get and stay pregnant as often as possible. The guy in charge of federal contraceptive funding runs one.

Now, that in and of itself should be bad enough. But Keroack is also the progenitor of a fascinating theory which I have dubbed, for brevity's sake the Inverse Fuck-Love Ratio Theory. He believes that when you fuck, you release a hormone called oxytocin, which promotes feelings of togetherness and bonding. And therefore, whenever you sleep with someone, you biochemically bond with them. And if you keep having sex with people and NOT living the rest of your lives with them in holy matrimony, then eventually you lose your ability to bond and your relationships are doomed to failure.

Oh, and he also believes that the marketing of contraception demeans women.

I can think of only one reason Eric Keroack would be put in charge of poor people's access to contraception. George W. Bush has only two years left to lose his top spot on the list of things that have created the most poor people. By appointing Keroack, he's hoping that actual poor people will have enough babies to move him down to second place. Any way you look at it, that's fucking lame.

Still Not A Fair Fight

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 21:22:11 -0500

Main Column, 27 October 2006

Memo to Republicans: THAT'S NOT TOUGH.

It's rapidly becoming obvious that, aside from all the Republicans who secretly want hot gay sex, there's another group of Republicans with a secret desire. A secret desire to punch disabled people in the face.

Seriously - there was the Max Cleland bullshit two years ago, where they tried to make people think a guy with no legs and one arm was in league with Osama Bin Laden. What some would call ludicrous, insane, and vile, they call "warming up for '06".

First we've got Barbara Cubin, Republican candidate for the House in Wyoming, going up to her debate opponent for a little apres-tete-a-tete. Specifically, telling him "If you weren't sitting in that chair, I'd slap you across the face." The chair was a wheelchair, which he needs because he has multiple sclerosis. And it wasn't even her Democratic challenger! It was the LIBERTARIAN.

How much of a wuss do you have to be to feel threatened by a libertarian with MS? What are they gonna do, bitch about taxes from over there? But Barbara Cubin felt the need to man up by threatening to slap one. Classy.

And of course, there's Rush Limbaugh picking a fight with Michael J. Fox. You've heard all about this by now. I'm not sure why anybody's surprised. Rush Limbaugh, who, I must point out, has a limp useless penis, only barely qualifies as human by his DNA which most of his listeners don't believe in anyway. His job is to say stupid vile things to stupid vile people.

Oh, sure, even by Limbaugh's ridiculously devalued standards, doing a bad, wiggling impersonation of a Parkinson's sufferer while implying they're faking it does place itself squarely nine inches beyond a pale that's already so pale it's undetectable by radar. But still. Rush Limbaugh saying a stupid thing that's instantaneously contradicted by solidly established medical fact is not an uncommon occurence.

But what I cannot figure out is how, even in the shitbucket that is the national media two weeks out from an election in which the people they've been sucking up to for somewhere between six and 20 years are in actual danger of being thrown out on their ass, even under these circumstances, is how the guy making fun of the afflicted, whose whole point is based on an assumption that's not just wrong, but is in fact 180 degrees opposed to reality, gets to be ONE SIDE OF A CONTROVERSIAL DEBATE.

Matt Lauer, on the Today Show: "Didn’t Rush Limbaugh just say what a lot of people were privately thinking?" Um, no. As far as I know, the list of people who diagnose other people as "just fine" when they're actually in dire medical straits are Limbaugh and Bill Frist.

This is not a difficult story to report. Stupid impotent man says stupid wrong thing, and IS WRONG. He says this stupid wrong thing because a well-liked 80's actor is pointing out, quite fairly, that certain political candidates have decided that microscopsicles are more important than well-liked 80's actors. And that makes the blastula-huggers look colder than the embryos they're hiding behind.

So Limbaugh says "I think he's faking it", which instantly turns into "Rush proved he faked it" in the minds of millions of dipshittoheads, which turns into "I don't know if he faked it or not, but the larger issue is that this is ultimately the Democrats fault for getting someone with a stake in an issue to go on the record supporting that issue" on cable news shows. It's insane. Even two weeks before the election, it's insane.

The Wizard Of ID

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 18:48:08 -0500

Embryo Fetishism, 21 September 2006

Memo to the former Marvin Richardson: YOU ARE NOT DUMB.

Well, OK. You are. Dumb as the day is long. But I am not here to bury you in profane verbage. I am here to praise and support you. I know. It felt even weirder when I typed it than it does when you read it, but it's true. The former Marvin Richardson is a brave, stupid, dedicated, crazy, bold man. Did I mention brave? And stupid?

You see, the former Marvin Richardson is an admittedly perennial candidate for various and sundry federal and state offices in his native Idaho. Right now, he's running for governor. In 2008, he plans to run for the Senate, because even he knows he's not going to be the governor. But the former Marvin Richardson is committed to his cause. So committed that, as you've guessed by my brutal abuse of the word "former" so far, that he has changed his name so that voters can see what he believes in right there on the ballot. I present to you 2008's candidate for the US Senate, Pro-Life.

That's some fucking dedication, right there. For the governor's race, he's still Marvin Richardson, because when he filed, his name had been legally changed to Marvin Pro-Life Richardson, but Idaho election officials decided that was cheating. SO he's since legally dropped both the Marvin and the Richardson.

This is, of course, fucking insane. A fact which Pro-Life himself recognizes, to an extent. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It seems like only a nut would do something like that, but I'm not a nutty kind of person at all."

Well, actually, you are. Especially when you consider you changed your son's name to Grant Pro-Life Richardson. The courthouse must have been having a two for one deal. But that's OK. Because while I'd never make a change like that, I believe that you have the right to do what you want with your own name.

Oh, sure, there are a bunch of people out there who think a name is a special, sacred thing. A gift, if you will, from a higher authority. They say abandoning that parent-given name is an affront and a sin. And it IS a known fact that changing your name requires the direct intervention of an activist judge.

But this isn't about your name. It's about you, Pro-Life. Your control over your own nomenclature. Your choice over what appears at the top of your checks. "Marvin Richardson" isn't a person. It's a tiny bundle of syllables. Scientists agree that in most cases, the human name rarely exceeds sixteen-point, and the vast majority come in at around twelve. And the nomdamentalists would ask you to sacrifice your political career for the sake of something that fits on a tiny fraction of a business card? That's ridiculous.

They say they want Martin Richardson to go on, but do you see them lining up around the block to take it as a pseudonym? They don't. I'm sure they're outside your front door right now, marching up and down the streets with giant pictures of shredded drivers' licenses. But don't give in. It's your decision to make, and I trust you to make the right one.

Art For Art's Sake

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 20:57:25 -0600

Embryo Fetishism, 27 March 2006

OK, fuckers, you get a reprieve. Larry The Cable Guy Who Is Also Inexplicably A Health Inspector opened in seventh place, taking in what I'm guessing is double its catering budget, and that's only because "blue collar comics" don't eat a lot of arugula.

So society is only as stupid as I thought it was. Which means you need to put away the noisemakers and cake, because that's not something to celebrate. That just means we can breathe a sigh of relief and go on wailing at the rest of the bullshit.

And anyway, we need the noisemakers and cake for an entirely different party. It's so incredibly rare that we in the stupidity-monitoring business catch a break. It's so rare that something incredibly, hideously dumb benefits the rational and sane that we need to all, collectively, send a metaphorical giant fruit basket of thanks to Daniel Edwards, sculptor.

Because Daniel Edwards has created the definitive work of modern political art. It's titled "Monument To Pro-Life: The Birth Of Sean Preston", and is a statue of a nude woman engaged in childbirth. Which would not normally be of note, except that'd be Sean-Preston-Federline-Spears we're talking about here.

I cannot, due to bounds of good taste and full knowledge of where you're all reading this from*, include a picture of the statue. I will, however, provide you with the means to view it yourself, with the usual caveat that you will enjoy yourself more if you once again let me take the hit for the team and describe what I've already seen.

Because the statue departs from known reality in several interesting ways. First and foremost because it doesn't include a team of surgeons providing Britney with her cooch-preserving vanity Caesarian. I know it's important for Britney to maintain her figure, because every second Kevin Federline is screwing her is a second Kevin Federline isn't rapping**, but it's still funny to me to honor Britney "for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision", when a big part of that choice and bravery involved preserving her birth canal for a decidedly non-procreative purpose.

I will not dwell on the artistic decision to cast Britney on all fours, gripping a bearskin rug, as the baby crowns. Partly because I think it's rude to the artist, and mostly because all the best jokes have been done already. And anyway, I came to thank Daniel Edwards, not to bury him. Because he's given us something invaluable, something priceless, something that will remain long after his statue is melted down into souvenier gag license plates.

He's given us an answer to "Piss Christ".

You remember Piss Christ. Andres Serrano's controversial piece from 1989 with a crucifix submerged in urine? Colloquially known as "Tinkle On The Mount", "The Yellow Fellow", or "Weesus". You wouldn't remember it, except that since NINETEEN MOTHER EIGHTY FUCKING NINE, right-wing shits have been bringing it up as an example of the perfidy of every human being to the left of Newt Gingrich. Well, that shit stops now.

Britney's Baby cancels out Piss Christ completely and utterly. It negates it. Finally, the right wing has gotten an ugly piece of agendoid art into a gallery, after years of selling it on T-shirts and in Christian bookshops. And now it's part of the public consciousness, and after 17 years, we can finally go around saying that anyone who opposes abortion must think the ideal of motherhood is Britney Spears in full fucksquat, making her brave, brave choice.

So pass the cake already.

*You fucking slackers.

**We all hope, at least.

Psychosexual Grab Bag

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 21:44:25 -0600

Embryo Fetishism, 9 March 2006

Memo to anyone following Bill Napoli into the abyss: YOU ARE DUMB.

Here's a good litmus test for you as you go through your day-to-day existence. If you look at your personal politics, and you realize your personal politics happen to align with a demonstrably crazy person - some sick, twisted bugfuck bastard, perhaps - then at the very least you should take some time to re-examine your own politics.

Maybe they stem from a different place than the crazy person. Maybe they don't. I don't know. But I do know whenever I find myself in agreement with, say, Pat Buchanan, it gives me pause. Because Pat Buchanan is crazy.

And all you embryo-fetishists need to look over at Bill Napoli and make sure you don't see yourself in his ugly, ugly mirror. Bill Napoli is a South Dakota state senator. He's one of the key senators behind that state's new abortion ban, with no rape exception, no incest exception, no health exception. The only exception is to save the life of the mother.

Now, personally, I'd still be opposed to a ban WITH those exceptions, but I'm firmly in the "fuck potential" crowd on this issue. Since I think souls are superstitious bullshit, that makes an embryo a lump of stuff for at least the first few months. But even in the so-called "middle ground", disallowing abortion in the case of rape is state-sanctioned cruelty. And banning it in the case of incest is a borderline psychotic denial of genetic reality.

But being that strident an embryo-fetishist isn't enough for me to brand Bill Napoli a nutcase so twisted Moebius would blanch at his topography. No, Napoli managed to prove that on PBS's NewsHour last week. In an attempt to seem more moderate, he tried to explain how the definition of "life of the mother" might be stretched to cover rape or incest. Remember, when you read this, he was trying to make you feel comfortable. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"A real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life."

Who thinks like that? I'll tell you who thinks like that. CRAZY PEOPLE. Crazy people who have spent so much time wrapped up in the crazy worlds of religious fundamentalism, sexual repression, and cerebrorectal inversion that their dark impulses feed on themselves, only occasionally slipping out on national, albeit public, television.

It's like some slavering self-parody come to life. You can just imagine the micro-tent he must have pitched as he described his little Penthouse Letter/Left Behind crossover.

But Crazy Napoli is not without compassion for the victims of an unwanted pregnancy. Like a case of spiritual Turtle Wax, he has a consolation prize ready for all you South Dakotan whores who get yourselves knocked-up - the rest of your life in a community-imposed loveless marriage!

"When I was growing up here in the wild west, if a young man got a girl pregnant out of wedlock, they got married, and the whole darned neighborhood was involved in that wedding. I mean, you just didn't allow that sort of thing to happen, you know? I mean, they wanted that child to be brought up in a home with two parents, you know, that whole story. And so I happen to believe that can happen again."

OK, I know South Dakota is backwards as all fuck, but Bill Napoli was born on June 17, 1948. And I'm pretty sure that by the 50's, when he was "growing up", even South Dakota wasn't the WILD WEST. Between the virgin rape, the sodomy, and this, Napoli's skull is like a rejected script for Deadwood written by Ed Gein.

Bill Napoli is a special kind of crazy. And if you agree with him, you may well be "special" too.

Dreaming Of A Yipes Christmas

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 21:41:15 -0600

Main Column, 29 December 2005

Memo to the Howard Center: CLASSY, FUCKOS.

You may, as longtime readers of this space, be wondering how my nemesis, the Howard Foundation, chose to celebrate this joyous time of year? The Howard Foundation is, of course, the ultra-right-wing "think" tank behind the Natural Family Manifesto, champions of heterosexual breeding, and all-around assholes. They celebrated it by, you guessed it, sending out another e-mail.

The Howard Center e-mails follow a pattern - a series of quotes of varying lengths, identified as "Family Facts" that, either because they come from crazy people or are taken out of context, seem to create support for the Center's agenda. And then they ask you for money.

So is their Christmas begging full of the warm glow of the nuclear family hearth, the rejoicing in Jesus, and other classy-type babble? It is not. It is, however, nigh-overflowing with DEAD BABIES.

We start out with "The Christmas Connection". And no, there are no lovers, no dreamers, and no felt frogs. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"[I]t is good, once again, to note that our Lord Jesus did not take up residence in Mary's womb in the late hours of December 24th, rather, Jesus came as a human first as a zygote, then embryo, fetus, and only then as the babe in a manger. If Christians are serious about the belief that Jesus was totally man while totally God-starting not at Christmas, but Annunciation-then procedures that either involve risk to embryonic life, or seek to manipulate its occurrence must be scrutinized carefully."

Here, the Howards are quoting one Karl John Shields, from something called the Center for Bioethics and Culture, which you just gotta know is one of THOSE names. You know the kind I mean. Shields, apparently now free of the clutches of Yarnell, seems to be saying that the true meaning of Christmas is to have as many babies as humanly possible, without resort to birth control of any kind, because it was good enough for Jesus.

Of course, if the magic book is to be believed, God did not rely on pesky human fertilization methods. He wanted the job done right, he did it himself. But what the hell. According to Shields, and by proxy the Howards, you should celebrate Christmas by never, ever wrapping your "present". Because that would manipulate the occurrence of embryonic life.

The Howards have also seized on the South Korean stem cell brouhaha, quoting a New York Times editorial that, in accordance with the way science works, said that if the South Koreans were faking it, our scientists should look even harder at other methods and techniques for stem cell therapy. Since, to the Howard Center, stem cell research is basically grinding up babies and putting the contents into Claritin gelcaps, they title this quote "The New York Times In Fantasyland".

And finally, they excerpt another bit of research to support their position, as mentioned previously in this space, that the reason Social Security is in so much trouble now is that all those condoms, IUDs, pills, and abortions in the past 40 years have depleted the supply of young, happy workers who would even now be paying billions into the system IF ONLY THEY'D BEEN BORN.

"While the economists refrain from drafting policy recommendations, their findings suggest that if President Bush really wants to offer workers a promising future, he needs to think more in terms of what kind of changes in Social Security would best shore up the family and fertility so that young Americans might be able to enjoy more children and grandchildren in old age."

I love the word "suggest", don't you? It's such a wonderful way to link two things in ways that other verbs, like "proves", or "shows", or "demonstrates" simply couldn't get away with. But "suggests" sounds so pleasant, like you're recommending a charming little bistro, or helping someone pick out a novel in a bookshop.

The Howard Center. What would a holy day be without them?

Putting The Pud In Liverpudlian

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 08:31:23 -0600

Great Britain, 2 November 2005

Memo to Liverpool, England: YOU ARE DUMB.

Sorry, but that's the last of the goodwill you get from us over here for spawning the Beatles. You people have taken embryo-fetishism to a level almost unmatched in our own pigfucker nation. I'd say unmatched, but, you know. We got Sam Alito as a SCOTUS nominee this week, so we still edge you out by a nose.

But Liverpool comes close. Last week, dozens of local citizens brought flowers, cards, notes, and little stuffed animals to a back alley where, just recently, the police had been called to investigate a tiny corpse found there.

The scene was heartwrenching. The grief was profound. The corpse was a chicken fetus.

The person who found it apparently thought it was a human fetus, which somehow pulled a Wombdini and expired in the alley. Police were notified, word spread amongst the public, the human instinct for gratuitous tragedy kicked in, and voila. A shrine to an omelette.

Unfortunately, the British press has failed to provide me with wonderful quotes from weeping residents as they lay down their bouqets for the poor little McNugget, with one exception - a card left behind that says it all, really. ACTUAL CHICKEN FETUS CARD TIME!

"RIP Little Baby. Safe in the arms of Jesus. From someone who is a loving mother xxxx."

I can only assume the x's on the end aren't meant to represent Liverpudlian chicken-scratchings, but rather, four loving pecks from a mother to a lump of dessicated poultryplasm. It's good to know that the chicken is in the arms of Jesus, but I'm not sure "safe" is the right word, especially if Jesus gets a little peckish. I'm guessing the Son of God knows all eleven of the Colonel's secret herbs and spices.

What I love best about the story is one lone report that states despite the police telling everyone it's a chicken, "rumours persist in Anfield schools, pubs and in taxis that it was a baby dumped by its mother". That is, of course, classic human stupidity in action.

People who would otherwise not spend five minutes questioning authority when authority tells them that, say, Iraq has WMD, or that the guy shot in a London subway was wearing a bulky jacket with wires sticking out of it, suddenly decide the word of the police is no good when they tell folks they just dropped a teddy bear off to comfort a chicken corpse. And why bring a teddy bear, anyway? If they'd brought fries and a drink, at least then we could make a Happy Meal.

For that matter, the whole "leaving little trinkets and ribbons at the tragedy site" thing is starting to get out of hand. Yes, I know these little mourning rituals serve to help a community deal with their grief, but even assuming it had been a human fetus, just because you happen to live near something awful happening doesn't mean you have to leave a bunch of crap behind for someone else to clean up. Remember. If you don't give a hoot, you won't pollute.

Sure, it's the wrong kind of bird, but unlike Liverpool, at least I got the class right.

If You're Not Part Of The Solution...

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 14:09:58 -0500

Main Column, 10 May 2005

I like negativity.

I know, I know. You're shocked. Horrified, even. Well sit down. Some people think that it's not enough to bitch about stuff. You have to "offer solutions". You can't just oppose, you have to support something else. And while these people are stupid and wrong, I will indulge them, just this once, because that's how gracious I am. You want solutions? I got solutions.

They've been debating the fucking "pharmacists with consciences" thing in the Star Tribune editorial pages again. Have they not settled this yet? I've discussed this before, pill-dispensers at drugstores deciding that the sluts who come in for birth-control pills won't get them from the good, invasive, busybody Christian behind the counter. Usually because they heard in an e-mail somewhere that the pills strangle babies or something.

Now, I've proposed a solution to this before. Legislatively, it's known as the Shut The Fuck Up And Give Me My Pills You Minimum Wage Register Jockey Act of 2005. But apparently, this solution isn't sensitive enough. It doesn't respect the need of the whiny pill-counting fuck with moral objections to birth control. So I extend a hand to the whiny fucks. And I promise I won't slap you with it. This time. Honest.

What we need is a way to allow the whiny fucks to object, while preventing their objection from actually affecting anyone else. So here's what I propse. Don't pass laws preventing pharmacists from objecting. Don't pass laws protecting them when they do object. Pass a law that encourages the kind of free-market, capiatalist solution that a certain end of the political spectrum loves so much.

Simply pass a law that requires all pharmacies to have one person on staff at any time who is willing to dispense any medicine legally prescribed by a doctor. Doesn't have to be the whiny fuck. The whiny fuck can object all he wants, step into the breakroom for a second, and let the non-whiny clerk on duty go ahead and put a pre-measrued box of progesterone into a bag and swipe a credit card. The woman gets her pills, and the whiny fuck can sleep at night knowing he sure didn't strangle any babies by proxy.

Yes, this might perhaps put a bit of market pressure in the hiring process, at pharmacies that can only have one person on duty at a time, but that's capitalism for ya. Just find a nice big pharmacy at a Wal-Mart or something, and you'll be fine. You can cry for all the prevented lives, women can go about their business without you waving your bible in their face, everybody wins. Problem solved. NEXT.

Another problem, apparently, is corruption in government. Now, I can't solve all of it - fuck knows I tried, but not enough people listened to me in November. But I know how to solve some of it. All you have to do, America, is stop being such raging fucking homophobes.

You see, because America is full of raging homophobes, gay politicians have to stay in the closet. Deep, deep in the closet. And when you're deep in the closet, it's really, REALLY tough to get laid. Especially when you're a public official. Which means, if you want to get laid, you need to get the object of your affection close to you, but in a way that makes it seem from the outside like it's not for a bit of the old how do you do. So these people end up getting government positions they don't deserve. The New Jersey governor got caught doing it. Depending on who you believe, that may be how Jeff Gannon got his White House press pass. I'm a bit unsure of that myself. I saw Gannon on Bill Maher a coupla weeks ago, and anyone paying to fuck him must have a serious fetish for the paralyzed, zombified Dr. Evil type.

And in Spokane, Washington, mayor James West, and you can all say this next part with me in unison, 'cause I bet you know what's coming, a RIGHT-WING ANTi-GAY REPUBLICAN, got stung by a newspaper. The mayor had, apparently been spending a fair amount of time in his office visiting gay chat rooms. So a reporter visited those chat rooms, posed as an 18 year old hot guy, and soon enough, Mayor "Go" West was offering him sports memorabilia and an internship. It's like "Punk'd", only it's really, really funny.

The mayor, caught red-handed, could only say the newspaper was "persecuting" him, which, for a longime staunch opponent of gay rights, is what we in the business call too damn bad. But he never would have had these problems if he could have admitted to all of Spokane, withotu fear of political retribution, that he liked dick. No secrecy, no self-loathing, no desperate covering for his secret lusts by attacking the gay community, just a happy, gay mayor, free to seduce 18-year-olds online in his spare time. No fake internships. Everybody's happy. Well, except the homophobes, but they deserve to be miserable. PROBLEM SOLVED. Next!

Deep In The Heart Of Darkness

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 11:24:50 -0500

Main Column, 4 March 2005

Memo to Texas: WHY?

I've raged. I've insulted. I've yelled. I've wept. I've railed. I've beaten my head against the turdobe wall that is our 28th state. And now I've resorted to asking. To begging. Begging for someone to explain to me why. Why you're such assholes. Why you elect such assholes. Why you allow assholes to have such a voice.

There is only so much I can attribute to inbred hick pigfucking ignorance. At some level, these people have to know what assholes they're being, what assholery is implied by the actions and statements of the wastes of biomass they pick to represent them. Is it plumb orneryness? Is it outright malice? Come on. You can tell me. It can't possibly be worse than my worst suspicions, which mainly involve the unique confluence of high lead levels in the water supply, Nazi experimentation, and excessively tight cowboy hats.

Come on. I double dog dare you to justify Frank Corte and Joe Pojman. Even for a state representative for San Antonio, Corte is astonishingly thick. And let's face it, most state representatives qualify for their job by having a pulse and being able to get Tuesday afternoons off. But Corte is a fucking piece of work, he is. And Pojman... Pojman goes beyond even what I'd expect from the head of a state "Alliance for Life".

The issue is one we've brought up before - Embryo Fetishists Vs. Contraception. The battleground are a pair of proposed Texas state laws - one that would require doctors to prescribe, and pharmacists to provide, emergency contraception for rape victims if the victims ask for it. The other would permit pharmacists to NOT fill emergency contraception prescriptions. J

That first law makes perfect sense to me. Hell, it doesn't go far enough, considering that the Ashcroft/Gonzalez Department of Justice is going out of its way to make sure nobody tells rape victims they CAN ask for it in the first place. But if they do ask, they damn well ought to be given a prescription. The decision to have a child is one of the most important ones people can make. It's bad enough that it's being made on a near-constant basis by idiots who don't know better, but now the Pro-Egg Movement wants to force that decision on rape victims, just so the poor, innocent lump of half a dozen CELLS doesn't suffer. Even if the rape victim doesn't believe in "souls", or the radical embryo agenda.

It's not the eggs that need protecting, folks. It's people who need to be protected from moralizing pharmacists. We've covered this before, too. It's never Viagra these fucks refuse to fill. You don't see these people demanding their right to not give customers their Lipitor on the grounds that they should just become vegans. Nope, it's just birth control pills and emergency contraception. Count the pills and shut the fuck up. If you can't perform those two simple tasks, GET ANOTHER JOB. Walgreens will get along fine without you shepherding a flock of unwilling participants through your little morality play. Pojnan gives you ignorant fucks more sympathy than he does rape victims. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Well, one thing I point out is that pregnancy after assault rape is extremely rare. For one thing, the woman may already be on contraceptives. Very seldom does an assailant ejaculate; it's all about power and control. A woman has gone through a trauma; for these reasons her body may not be fertile."

Pojnan's statement is, in every sense of the word, indefensibly stupid. It's ignorant of biology, it's arrogant, it includes the word "ejaculation" in a really creepy way, and let's not forget the subtle reverse implication that if someone does get pregnant, then it wasn't really a traumatic rape after all. This vile little pusbucket puts the lie to the extreme pro-life movement. They're not about improving life. They are, in the way of all dumb people, merely making things worse for the rest of us.

Corte's not much better. The dissembling little fuck writes a bill that specifically targets emergency contraception, then has the gall to sit there and say "I don't see how rape victims will not be able to get emergency contraception under my bill." Well, your bill lets pharmacists keep it from them, dipshit. You can claim all you want that even small towns have more than one pharmacy, but what if all the pharmacies decide to exercise their moral objections? You've got a day or two after an incredibly traumatic experience to prevent a pregnancy, and Corte wants you to jump through fucking hoops for the sake of a pill-counter's conscience?

So explain it to me, someone. Explain to me how these people, these moralizing busybodies who have no problem ruining lives and causing suffering while cloaking themselves in absolutist morality, explain to me how these people are given, and allowed to keep, power in your state. Explain to me why they are not laughed out of office, run out of town on a rail, or at least given a swift kick in the ass.

And I need the explanation pretty quick, before Michele Bachmann's political career gets any farther up here. So get cracking.

Up With Embryos!

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 13:20:28 -0500

Main Column, 10 February 2005

Memo to frozen embryos everywhere: YOU WILL BE DUMB.

At least you will if the radical right has anything to say about it. Here at You Are Dumb, we have a term for the rabid sapient-life-complete-with-soul-begins-at-conception types. We call them "embryo-fetishists", because we thought that was a little bit over the top and funny. Turns out it was actually a bit kind. The abortion battle is being fought on the microscopic front, in courts and labs and that wonderful Bush administration.

The issue is in-vitro fertilization, which is science's answer to our culture's genetic obsession. I'm all for science solving problems, but there comes a point beyond which science stops solving the problem and ends up being an enabler. As most recently demonstrated by Fox's aptly-maligned "Who's Your Daddy", the idea that being a sperm or egg donor carries MORE weight than a lifetime of care and love is so deeply, pathologically ingrained in our culture these days that couples will spend tens of thousands of dollars, ingest fertility drugs, spend years in doctors' offices, all so they can end up with a kid that's truly "theirs".

And I realize that, at the end of the day, human beings are just monkeys who've invented porn. We're wired to try to pass on our genes. But you know, I'm also wired to take a rock and beat the living shit out of any motherfucker that looks at me funny. But I use my brain, override my genetic imperative, and now when some motherfucker annoys me, 300+ people get to read about it through the magic of packet-switching and hypertext transfer protocol. And maybe if more people used THEIR brains, and realized that raising a child is more important than preserving their precious nutjuice unto future generations, we wouldn't have all these leftover fertilized eggs for the fetishists to worship.

In Illinois, a couple has (so far) SUCCESSFULLY sued a fertility clinic for "wrongful death". The clinic's crime? Forgetting to freeze one of the couple's fertilized eggs. The judge referred to them as PRE-EMBRYOS. Not even embryos yet. But thanks to a couple of other laws put into place by the right as they started greasing the slope, in Illinois, life begins at conception (by legislative edict), and in Illinois, people can sue for wrongful death if an "unborn baby" is killed in an accident. Add one sympathetic judge, and suddenly, Allison Miller and Todd Parrish had their BABY KILLED by an unfeeling fertility clinic.

In any sane world, Todd would spank it into another cup, Allison would lie down on the table, the clinic would absorb all the costs and maybe send a nice fruit basket, and we'd all start over. But not these days. These days, those undifferentiated lumps of a dozen or so cells somehow manages to hold the same value as a person. More value than a gay person, actually, since the same people that are extending special legal protection to stuff you can't even see are taking similar "priveleges" away from Team Selfish Hedonism.

Reports say that the doctors called the pre-embryo that was lost "particularly promising". I hate that kind of talk. I mean, I'm no advocate of 100% Nurture, but whatever the fertility doctors mean when they say that, you know the prospective dad is thinking "Like Michael Jordan, only white!" Plus, it takes setting high early expectations to a whole new level. "I don't know why Timmy keeps drawing on the walls with my Sharpies. He was such a promising blastula."

So meanwhile, even discounting the ones that are left on top of the fridge by absent-minded technicians, there are still a bunch of excess fertilized eggs lying around. So science, which as a general rule hates to waste stuff, has come up with a couple of ideas. Some of 'em are just gonna stay frozen forever, at least until the next power outage, so why not use them to see if we can cure diseases? Can't have that. Violates the "culture of life", you know.

"OK", says Science, muttering under its collective, white-coated breath. How about we let couples donate their extra fertilized eggs to other couples without such a genetic hangup, but who still want to go through the "miracle of childbirth"? The babies get born, they're raised by loving parents, and eventually grow into yet another asshole who can cut me off on the highway. Almost everybody's happy.

But that's not good enough for the fetishists They have to make a point. They have to push the agenda as far as they can, even in an area where they should be happy with what's going on. Which is why our government, specifically the Department of Health and Human Services, has taken to calling the process "embryo adoption". Which it's not, but the whole point of changing the language is to push ideology over fact, so surprise is probably unwarranted.

Save your surprise when the Embryonic Proxy Suffrage Act is passed, and The Collective Womb becomes the fifty-first very, very red state.

Having Actually MET Life...

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 10:42:02 -0500

Main Column, 28 September 2004

Memo to "Pharmacists For Life": YOU ARE DUMB.

Reason Why Atheists Are Better Than Fundamentalists, #97 of 4,800 (collect them all!): Atheists happily work in our nation's bookstores, freely and happily dispensing Bibles, Korans, Chicken Soup For The Christian Soul, and Left Behind books, despite our profound belief that these books are full of shit and will destroy the nascent, child-like intellect residing in the skull. We keep our yaps shut, and perform the job we were hired for, taking your money and handing you the items you ask for without comment or hindrance.

Pity the same can't be said for fundamentalist pharmacist assholes, who have made headlines repeatedly over the past few years for refusing to dispense birth control pills, emergency contraception doses, and RU-486 because these pills conflict morally with both their deeply held religious beliefs and their inexplicable ignorance of science.

I mean, the RU-486 thing is just the run of the mill embryo fetishism that drives the modern pro-life movement. At least RU-486 does the thing that the people opposing it dislike. It's still dumb, but it's a familiar kind of dumb. Some people believe that an embryo is the single most important thing in the entire universe, and others of us believe that abortion should be legal through roughly the 90th trimester. But if you take a job as a pharmacist, you know going in you're going to be dispensing pills you wouldn't take yourself. That's part of the job description. If your beliefs don't allow you to do that, then you should be selling teddy bears holding crosses to Jesus-freaks at the strip-mall "inspirational store", not next door at Walgreens adding "the peril of your immortal soul" to the list of potential side-effects.

Gone are the days when pharmacists were practically small-town doctors in their own right. The days of the knowledgeable old man who'd wink at you slyly as you fearfully asked him for your first box of rubbers are long gone, and thank fuck for that. These days, to be a "pharmacists", you need to know three things - how to tell the difference between Cialis and Viagra; how to count to 50, and how to use the electronic time-card system at the Target that pays you seven bucks an hour to do things one and two. Just because you're behind a glass wall doesn't give you the right to pass judgment, and just because you wear a lab coat, that doesn't make you a fucking scientist.

Which explains the assault on emergency contraception and birth-control pills. In the latest instance, of which there have been many, a pharmacist in New Hampshire refused to issue emergency contraception to someone with a valid prescription because of his psychotic pro-life views. In addition, he refused to refer her to another pharmacy that -could- fill the prescription. Since the moron in question, Todd Sklencar, is hiding out and refusing to talk to people, we'll have to rely on the testimony of his victim, who was unable to fill the prescription within the 72 hours required for emergency contraception to be effective. Yes, it's ACTUAL QUOTING A QUOTE TIME!

"He said something like, 'I believe this will end the fertilization of the egg and this conception was your choice,'"

- Laconia resident Suzanne Richards.

Of course it will end the fertilization of the egg. It's CONTRACEPTION, you-maple syrup-snorting, backwoods fuck! This goes way beyond blastula-worship. Now the pro-lifers are calling the LACK OF FERTILIZATION the ending of a life. "Sorry, lady, the spoims gotta do what the spoims gotta do, and I'm morally obligated to do everything in my power to force you to have a baby."

Pharmacist organizations do have "conscience clauses" supporting this kind of rampant bullshit, but at least that same code of conduct requires any busybodies in their profession to help the patient fill the prescription somewhere else. That, of course, is completely unreasonable and "stupid", according to the president of Pharmacists for Life International, Karen Brauer, who really, really shouldn't be bandying about words like "stupid" after saying things like:

"If we're not going to kill a human being, we're not going to help the customer go do it somewhere else."

For the last time, a bunch of sperm that may or may not be viable heading toward an egg that may or may not be THERE is NOT a human life. I don't care if you believe that it is, you do not get to put yourself in a position of power and ruin other people's lives just because you're INSANE. I may believe, in my heart of hearts, that dog shit tastes like sweet, sweet candy, but if I ran down the street shoving dog shit into people's mouths, I'd be sent somewhere quiet and alone for a very long time indeed. Yet "pharmacists for life" somehow get a pass from society.

Tolerating the crazy people does not mean we should let them set policy.