Tim Pawlenty

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Oh, Right. He's A Dick.

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Memo to Timmeh: NO BANG, WHIMPER?

Hard to believe that we're coming to the end of Tim Pawlenty's reign of error here in Minnesota. I mean, it seems like only yesterday we were saying, "Well, at least he's not a wrestler." Man, I miss that wrestler.

And it seems like Timmeh feels the same way about us. After careful consideration of Pawlenty's recent moves, I've determined that his governing philosophy, with apologies* to Mel Gibson, boils down to "OK, I'll burn the goddamn state up, but I'll blow Dick Armey's army of dicks first!

Looks like someone's one percent showing in an Iowa straw poll has gotten under his skin, because our fair governor is tacking even farther right in very public ways. I mean, it makes sense, since he's treated the governorship as a stepping-stone to higher office since Day Minus One, but it's a good thing the people he's pandering to are stupid, because his pandering is really fucking blatant.

Basically, he's decided to use his executive authority to make sure Minnesota doesn't take any filthy ObamaCare money on his watch. Well, OK. Doesn't take SOME money. For example, the health care bill included grant money for both real sex education, and, as one of Obama's many glorious compromises, money for fake sex-ed, which conservatives call "abstinence only" and the rest of us call "gotta buy another damn baby shower gift".

Both, by the way, cost about 800 grand - but the real sex ed money is all federal, while the fake sex ed requires about $350,000 out of the state budget. A state budget Pawlenty's already pissed away by stuffing hundreds into Grover Norquist's thong for seven-and-a-half years. Timmeh claims it's because he's trying to stop the implementation of health care reform in Minnesota. Anyone with half a brain can see it as a sop to the quiverfull yokel teabagging fuckholes that Timmeh's going to have to win over if he wants a shot at president in 2012.

There is a rhythm method to his madness, of course. This first ploy apparently went over well enough for him to up the ante a couple of days later, and is requiring that ALL requests for federal health care be funneled through his office, so that his squad of matrushka apparatchiks can reject any ones that might lead to socialized medicine. Or, as the man himself so eloquently put it... ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Where it's appropriate and where it's wise and doesn't further some stupid policy agenda or otherwise concerns us or sign us up for something that is unsustainable or otherwise cause us a problem, we're going to apply for those other pots of money."

"Appropriate" means that teabaggers don't understand it. "Wise" means that something politically embarrassing will happen from not taking it. "Furthering some stupid policy agenda" is anything that teabaggers think will cause Communists to kill their grandmothers. "Otherwise concerns us" means "otherwise concerns ME", "unsustainable" means "unsustainable without raising taxes on millionaires", and "cause us a problem" means "cause ME a problem". This has been your Pawlenty-to-English lesson for the day.

If any teabagging pigfuckers were narcissistically Googling "teabagging pigfuckers" and are reading this, Timmeh is not your friend. He's pretending to be your friend because he knows your mom gave you three Twinkies in your Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox, and he wants you to give him one of them. We call that type of person an "opportunist", but I thought I'd try to put it in terms you'd understand. Sorry. "reckon". Vote for him at your peril.

*Not real apologies. It's Mel Fucking Gibson.

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