You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Memo to Russell Wiseman: YOU ARE A CREDIT TO YOUR STATE.
Tennessee. Dumbest state in the Union. It's been about five years since I awarded the honor to the state upon learning they had an annual celebration of the Scopes monkey trial. Specifically, an annual celebration of the conviction of Scopes for teaching evolution. And in that time, I have waited for some other state to step up and take the crown. And nobody has.
Oh, Oklahoma's gotten pretty close. But every time Tennessee catches a whiff of old leather, chaw, and taint from Oklahoma catching up, it finds some hidden reserve of pure stupidity and shoots ahead like it's chasing a black guy away from its daughter. And this week, that hidden reserve of pure stupidity takes the form of Arlington, TN mayor Russell Wiseman, the most ironically named politician in the universe.
Wiseman seems like a fairly young guy - probably in his 40s, judging from his pictures and the fact that he's rocking the forehead island style of premature male pattern baldness. He's young enough to decide he needs a Facebook page, but old enough and stupid enough to misuse it. And therein lies the crux of our tale, with the following Facebook posting. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."
Now, I know what you're thinking, but for Tennessee, that's actually pretty good grammar, spelling, and punctuation. No wonder he's made it this far in politics. No, the meat of the stupid lies in the claim that Obama deliberately pre-empted the Peanuts Christmas special in order to strike a blow against the Christianity he doesn't really believe in on account of him being a Muslim and all.
This is why Tennessee is dumber than the rest of the country, people. In the rest of America, morons turn to talk radio hosts and make them leaders. In Tennessee, they look to talk radio CALLERS and make them leaders. And lest you think Wiseman was joking, or being ironic, think again. Much like his haircut, he thinks we're supposed to take what he said seriously, even though that's impossible. As shown by this followup:
"...you obama people need to move to a muslim country...oh wait, that's America....pitiful."
This is bog-standard, boilerplate wingnut bullshit - that were it not for the vigilance of great Christian Americans like Russell Wiseman, Arlington, TN would be wall-to-wall minarets, and sharia law 24/7, just like it is now in San Francisco. It's even typed like something from a WorldNetDaily comments thread, but it's coming straight outta Arlington "City" Hall.*
You know how I can tell the Secret Muslim stuff isn't a joke, by the way? Because Wiseman also used his Facebook page to tell what he clearly thought was a joke. The kind of joke that apparently goes over big in Tennessee circles, or, I suppose, at a Strom Thurmond birthday party:
"you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different........" Get it? Property owners? White, Christian males? Like Mayor Wiseman, but unlike President Obama? It's a joke, son. The kind of joke where the only appropriate laughter is either nervous and uncomfortable, or starts with "hee" and ends with "haw".
To date, Wiseman's only public comment has been amazement that someone would read his Facebook page, and to complain that a mountain was being made out of a molehill. Please. The mountain's just barely gotten started. This is all over the Internet, so with any luck, you'll be back at the Ford dealership polishing bumpers by Friday.
You may think that's unfair, but sometimes, there are consequences for saying something incredibly stupid where smart people can hear you. Even in Tennessee.
*I'm not actually being excessively snarky here. The Arlington Chamber of Commerce is hoping that 2010 is the year they finally meet one of the criteria for removing the ironic quotes from their city hall facade. Currently, their hopes are on either issuing a marriage license to an interracial couple, or the Arlington Wal-Mart selling its first product containing pesto.