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No Gandersauce For You!

« May 2013 »

Memo to Tennessee: BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

The only thing scarier than the shit that gets passed in the great state of Tennessee, the dumbest state in the Union, is the shit that doesn't get passed. Because that means that there are legislators in Tennessee with ideas that are too dumb for the majority of Tennessee residents.

Not, mind you, too dumb to actually do something to get the dumb lawmakers out of office. Which means the horrible people and their horrible ideas will live to fight another day, or get slipped in as an amendment some time when nobody's watching.

The latest round in the saga of the vanguard of America comes from the fertile (thanks to all the bullshit) mind of Stacey Campfield, who you may remember from previous columns as one of the driving forces behind the failed "don't say gay" bill and attempting to join the Tennessee Black Caucus.

According to a Knoxville newspaper the bill would mandate "a 30 percent reduction in Temporary Assistance for Needy Families benefits to parents whose children are not making satisfactory progress in school." Keep in mind that if the kids don't meet an attendance requirement, benefits to needy families already get cut 20%.

In other words, pass those tests, Tennessee kids, or Stacey Campfield will incentivize you by making you starve more. Campfield says it's vital to get parents involved in doing better, and dismissed an eight year old daughter brought by her parent to complain as a "prop".

Campfield's idea has gotten a lot of criticism on account of it seeming like a cruel, Dickensian plot by a pigfucker who wouldn't know what "Dickensian" meant if he had a laserdisk of "Scrooged" shoved up his ass, but there's a way for Campfield to prove that's not the case. Well, two ways, but I don't think Tennessee ever got laserdiscs. Or dictionaries.

See, it seems to me that Campfield's been proposing a lot of bills lately, and none of those bills have passed. And since the opposite of passing is failing, then clearly, Campfield is a failing legislator. And since Campfield has some ideas about what motivates the perpetually failing, let's just reduce his salary to 70% of his state's TANF benefits until he improves his overall performance.

I'm sure he'd be up for that. I mean, there's no way he'd think his ideas only applied to poor people. Or cling to stereotypes about certain ethnic types being lazy. Not in Tennessee.

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