Gender Issues

Do You Want To Build A No-Man?

« February 2015 »

Memo to incredibly insecure men: THE COLD WILL DO THAT.. IT'S NORMAL.

I've been a man for a lot of years now. And I have never, ever, understood why so many men, especially those on the right, are so constantly in fear of emasculation. That at any moment, a group of suddenly-empowered women will take their penises as war trophies in the ongoing battle of the sexes.

And frankly, it would serve them right if it happened. Not that their tiny wangs, apparently attached with a bit of twine and glue-sticks, would make much of a trophy, but apparently it would be incredibly easy to do. Like taking candy from a baby.

The latest affront on the collective manhood of the collective manhood is, of course, Frozen, a movie that has remained incredibly popular, and a cultural phenomenon, since its release nearly a year and a half ago. Apparently, it has been gradually eroding away the between-legs nub Steve Doocy uses to pee through, and the news that it would be followed up by, if you'll pardon the term, a short, "Frozen Fever", has caused that nub to retract into his brain in fear, doubling its mass, but doing little for its total processing power. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Are movies like this empowering girls by turning our men into fools and villains? ... From what we've seen, it looks like they depict men as evil and cold and bumblers." - Doocy, before introducing a panel of like-minded men and women to act all impugned and stuff.

I've seen Frozen, because I live in the world, and first, that's not strictly accurate. One man is evil, one man is a bumbler. It's one of the women who's cold. She's got ice powers, after all. Oh, and there's one guy who's nice. And a snowman who's comic relief, but he has, proportionally speaking, a HUGE carrot, so that should help.

But even if the earth shifted on its axis, the skies filled with anticipatory bacon, Hell became useful for chilling drinks, and not uncoincidentally, Steve Doocy was right, so the fuck what? If portraying a man as a fool and a bumbler makes all men's parts into shrinky-dicks, then what the hell has Fox News' portrayal of Obama been doing to the collective masculinity for the past six years?

Frozen has clearly struck some kind of cultural nerve, filled some kind of cultural need we may not have even known we had. And it managed this without even being particularly revolutionary. Disney's had a spotty history with gender politics at best over the years, but Frozen's just the latest step in a slow, gradual process.

Not so slow and gradual that Steve Doocy didn't notice his slight diminishment in power and privilege, of course. Like a princess sleeping on a pea - a tiny, tiny pea - he's very sensitive. After all, if people get the idea that men can be bumbling, evil fools, how will he stay on television?

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