You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Memo to Ron Blachut: YOU ARE DUMB.
I don't do end-of-year awards. For one thing, I do about two hundred and fifty of these things every year, and I can barely remember what I wrote about on, say, December 4. Much less what I wrote about back in January. Sure, I could read all the stuff I wrote, but that's your job, and I'm a big one for division of labor.
But giving out end-of-year awards isn't the same as giving out an award at the end of the year. And thus, I would like to bestow upon Ron Blachut, of Queensbury NY, the first ever You Are Dumb Dot Net Honorary Award For Plenipotentiary Douchebaggery Above And Beyond The Call Of Duty. There's no medal involved, but let it be known far and wide that if you think you're a douchebag, measure yourself against Ron Blachut, and rest assured, you will be found wanting.
What triggered Blachut's foray into the field? What event caused him to single-handedly explore and expand the fullest potential of his chosen art form? While we cannot know what childhood traumas and toxin exposures gave him his great talent, what caused him to express it, in a letter to the editor to the Glens Falls Post Star: a pregnant congresswoman.
Yes, Kirsten Gillibrand announced at the beginning of the month that she'd gotten knocked up, and, you know. Congratulations or whatever. I'm sure she's very happy. Nothing wrong with it. Yay reproduction! But for Ron Blachut, taxpaying American, that congressional fetus wasn't just a parasite on Gillibrand's uterus, it was a parasite on the American public. ACTUAL, I SHIT YOU NOT, AWARD-WINNING DOUCHEBAGGERY QUOTE TIME!
"First of all, I must admit that I am a male chauvinist and that there are, thankfully, differences between men and women."
OK, wait. We have to stop right fucking there. "Male chauvinist"? You know, even in 1978, when that term was in vogue, proudly declaring yourself to be one was an asshole indicator. These days, saying that doesn't make you an asshole. It makes you an asshole who's also way behind the times. So what does the last male chauvinist on earth have to say?
"There are many occupations suitable for women and their physical attributes. Carrying a weapon while serving in the Armed Forces and firefighting are not suitable lines of work for women to prove that they are physically equal to men. How many male police officers feel comfortable with a 100 pound female backup? And now, I have to add serving in the U.S. House and Senate as an occupation that may not be suitable for women."
See how he was careful to establish his premise with three professions, only two of which women have been serving admirably in for decades. Well, in the United States. Elsewhere, it's all three. But they are the classic examples rampant sexists love to bring up because they provoke the right reaction in mild sexists. Given that he's set up as his examples jobs that require violence, heavy lifting, and bravery, what are the odds his fourth job will follow those guidelines? We all know that answer.
"Ms. Gillibrand's current pregnancy makes a strong case for my opinion. Ms. Gillibrand was elected to serve her constituency, and while she is away from her elected office she cannot perform those duties. The taxpayers who were duped into voting for her will have to pay for her medical benefits. Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer, Ms. Gillibrand receives excellent health benefits, courtesy of her constituents. We will be without representation in Congress for a time leading up to and following the child's birth. There will be times when she and the new baby will visit doctors. You can add those days to the total that she will not be serving her constituents."
Jesus, what a douchebag. It takes a special kind of willful ignorance to think that every second of a congressoid's time is spent actually serving their constituents. It takes a special kind of willful naivete to think that ANY seconds of their time are spent serving their constituents. For fuck's sake, a whole bunch of 'em got pissy when they were expected to work five-day weeks this year. And the health benefits thing is so stupid it actually demeans me a little to poke holes in it, that's how glaring and obvious those holes are.
But I will say this. If you think tax dollars didn't likely pay for Bob Dole's Viagra, you're a damn fool. But even a damn fool can top themselves.
"The current base salary (2006) for members of the House and Senate is $165,200 per year. I wonder if Ms. Gillibrand will do the right thing and reimburse the U.S. Treasury in the amount of $452.60, her daily salary, for each day that she is unable to perform her elected duties. For some reason, I doubt it.
I just checked this fucker's math, and as I suspected, he divided by 365. Which means he counted weekends. He counted holidays. He counted the many long vacations and breaks the Congress takes and isn't in session. Yet strangely, he's not asking the congresspenises to reimburse the American people for the days THEY take off for whatever reason. The worst part is, if Blachut had taken the time to find out how many days a year his representatives actually work, he'd have come up with a much higher number for his completely delusional version of how "salary" works. But then, if he'd known how many days a year his representatives worked, even he might have seen his attempt at wombslander for what it was: douchebaggery deserving of special honors.