You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Memo to "Dr." Keith Ablow: SORRY ABOUT YOUR PENIS.
Let's head straight into the recap, shall we? Back in April, when everything was wonderful and we had nothing else to worry about, we, by which I mean the media, spent about a week talking about a J Crew catalog. No, really. You may not remember it because you were sane, busy, or both at the time. But it happened.
See, this J Crew catalog had a picture of J Crew president Jenna Lyons painting her son's toenails. Not only that, she was painting them PINK. Supporters of traditional established male gender roles, or, as they're more commonly known, "dickheads", were up in arms. A young boy was being feminized by his mother! In another dozen years, obviously he was destined to show up on Dancing With The Stars sporting a nice pair of tits!
Chief amongst the detractors was Fox News' pet psychiatrist, the personification of gay panic, and overall fucking drama queen "Dr." Keith Ablow. ACTUAL APRIL QUOTE TIME!
"Well, how about the fact that encouraging the choosing of gender identity, rather than suggesting our children become comfortable with the ones that they got at birth, can throw our species into real psychological turmoil—not to mention crowding operating rooms with procedures to grotesquely amputate body parts? Why not make race the next frontier? What would be so wrong with people deciding to tattoo themselves dark brown and claim African-American heritage? Why not bleach the skin of others so they can playact as Caucasians?"
Well, for one thing, while I'm no doctor, I'm pretty sure if you got your entire body tattooed dark brown, you would die. And your corpse wouldn't be dark brown. Not to mention that pink-painted toenails aren't actually a marker for gender identity, unless you define "marker for gender identity" as "gender roles established in white, middle-class America in the mid-20th century". Which Keith Ablow totally does, and then mixes it with his gay panic and a trans-phobia so severe I'm almost hesitant to make fun of it because it's completely fucking pathological.
I mean, look at the words he uses. "Grotesquely amputate body parts". By which he means PENIS. By which he means HIS PENIS. By which he means PLEASE MOMMY DON'T CUT OFF MY PENIS. We saw this with the Chaz Bono stuff. One kid gets pink toenails, and the next thing you know, the entire species is thrown into real psychological turmoil, and the ladies of the Gender Revolution have made a little guillotine that will turn Keith Ablow's three inches into a pencil eraser. Dude. Is. Fucked. Up.
But, since this fucked-up "psychiatrist" bordering on a Batman villain says bad things about gay and trans people from an alleged medical perspective, the fine people at Fox News are happy to give him a regular platform, and promote stories they think justifies his ravings, like when Ms. Lyons reportedly left her husband for another woman. Ablow was able to distance himself a bit from his emasculation phobia and attempted to couch his unjustified gloating in semi-reasonable terms. ACTUAL OCTOBER QUOTE TIME!
"I said Lyons was making a cultural statement about masculinity no longer being important to boys—that she was, essentially, uncomfortable with his gender."
Um, no, you said publishing a picture of a boy with pink toenails would lead to an epidemic of penile amputations. But even this toned-down statement is a fascinating bit of extrapolation. Where might it lead?
"All this says nothing about the value of a heterosexual versus homosexual relationship; that’s an individual matter and not an appropriate focus for criticism (It certainly has zero to do with my criticism). All this says nothing about Lyons’ divorce; marriage is a difficult journey for almost everyone. When it ends, I feel nothing but compassion for the people hurting."
"I'm not a racist, but..." I think we all know where this is headed.
"What it says is that my worry that Ms. Lyons might be expressing her own discomfort with masculinity and projecting it onto her son—and mine, and yours—seems to have been justified. It says that Lyons does seem to have been promulgating her perspectives on gender roles having no value. It says that she was, indeed, apparently using J. Crew—a brand so many of our kids gravitate toward—as her launching pad for a mini-campaign to change the way our kids think about their bodies and their gender identities."
Yeah. See, now that she's totally lesbo, she must hate men. And so she hates her son, and wants to make him into a girl, because lesbians like girls. That's why she painted his toenails pink. And, of course, women being romantically involved with women means they think gender roles have no value, because a woman's gender role is to LOVE COCK EXCLUSIVELY.
And then there's Ablow's most astonishing statement of all. That many of our kids gravitate toward J Crew. I'm sorry, what? For fuck's sake, J Crew's been around so long that I remember what I thought about their catalogs when I was a teenager. Here's a hint. Even my nerdy, nerdy teen self didn't "gravitate" toward J Crew. Yuppie assholes in their 30s gravitated toward J Crew. And the same would be true today, if the herds of yuppies hadn't been hunted to extinction in the Income Inequality Wars.
So I am encouraging all parents out there - paint your young son's toenails pink every once in a while. That way, when Keith Ablow goes on a penis-severing rampage, ending with his public self-emasculation on the set of Hannity's show, he'll have all of you to pretend to blame.