Music

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Please Please Kill Me Now

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Memo to Duran Duran: YOU ARE VIRTUALLY DUMB.

Now, it's tough for me to know for sure, since my "glory days" were when I wrote about a guy being fucked to death by a horse, but I hope that, in that all-too-near future when I'm Duran Duran's age, I hope I'm not desperately trying to relive those glory days through some desperate online venture. Even though my glory days ARE kind of a desperate online venture.

But unlike Duran Duran, that I'm not on Second Life, is my point. Because that's just sad.

Until this story, I was only peripherally aware of the existence of Second Life. The way drivers on the interstate are only peripherally aware of the existence of cattle. It's a virtual world, an online community. It's World of Warcraft if it were run by a bunch of MySpace hippie wankers.

I don't play MMORPG's*, but I get them. I understand the appeal. Second Life scares me. Because once you remove the pointless quests, the insane level-grinding, and the gratuitous violence, all you're left with is a chat room that requires a high-end graphics card. It's non-stop, wall-to-wall AVATARS AND PERSONAS. If this kind of thing catches on, whoever's working on USB 3.0 better make the connector pointy, because I'm going to need something handy to stab my eyeballs with every single day.

The picture on the front of their website says it all - a minotaur, a smiling goth chick, an emo dude with a microphone, a pouting goth chick, and a blue dickweed in ugly battle armor. Also known as five people I would have to kidneypunch if I spent ten minutes with them at a party, and Second Life wants me to tie up my Net connection to talk to them online? Is there even a keymap for kidneypunching in their world? I doubt it.

But there apparently is a keymap for "creepy 80's pop stars seeking cultural relevance", as Duran Duran are not just performing a virtual concert in Second Life, but are constructing a virtual fantasy Duran Duran island. ACTUAL PRESS RELEASE TIME!

"Currently in the middle of recording their next album, keyboardist Nick Rhodes said of the project: 'Second Life has brought a third dimension to the internet; it is the new frontier where dreams have become reality. Whatever you can imagine is now possible. When the video revolution began we instantly saw the opportunity to experiment and explore a new form of expression to enhance the musical experience. Second Life is the future right now, offering endless possibilities for artists. Our community will be able to help develop the island into a fully functional, futuristic utopia, where you can never be quite sure what to expect. Duran Duran are thrilled to be the first band to become citizens of Second Life and are rehearsing now for our first concert there in the coming months. I think I can safely say that it will be filled with surprises.'"

First of all, Nick is CUT OFF. No more for you, buddy. Second, I've seen the "Reflex" video, and if that's how they're going to experiment and explore a new medium where dreams have become reality, Second Life just got fourteen percent wankier in an instant.

And third, who the FUCK wants to wander around a virtual island chatting with an unpaid intern who's pretending to be Simon Le Bon? That's almost as boring as wandering around a virtual island chatting with Simon Le Bon.

The whole thing about Second Life seems to be adding a gratuitous interface to things we already know how to do. Your "virtual community" is just instant messaging. Your "virtual concert"? I've downloaded plenty of live MP3s before, thank you. Pretending to be a feline Amazon cat warrioress? Yeah, I met that guy at my last convention, too. Nice rack.

They're just wasting time. Which is why I'm a bit surprised to find Duran Duran messing around with them. They've got even less time left than I do.

*Ask your boyfriend or son.

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