Gay Marriage

Let Me Be Petty For You: Day Five (The Stragglers)

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Memo to LGBTQetc America: LET ME GET THIS ONE FOR YOU.

In the wake of Friday's decision by the Supreme Court legalizing same-sex marriage nation-wide, I understand that the LGBT community has to be gracious in victory for the sake of optics and public relations. Sure, it would feel great for them to point and laugh at all the hyperbolic, conservative, self-shitting reactions... But since this SCOTUS decision pretty much represents the last time I'll get to argue all the usual arguments with all the usual people who've LOST LOST LOST LOST, let me be be horrible and petty for you. For like a week.

And to close out the week, let's just clean up the detritus. Stuff I didn't include, stuff that didn't fit, or stuff that happened during the week after I'd already written.

And I have to start with John Roberts' dissent, which isn't as funny as Scalia's, but does contain quite possibly the single greatest concern trolling in judicial history. If you don't know, "concern trolling" is basically when person X, who opposes thing Y, tries to convince supporters of thing Y that thing Y is not actually in their best interests. It's bullshit, of course. It's basically the equivalent of rich people telling poor people that they wouldn't want to complicate their lives with all that money anyway.

So when John Roberts tells gay people that by winning this court case, they have in fact "...lost forever: the opportunity to win the true acceptance that comes from persuading their fellow citizens of the justice of their cause", he's committing an epic concern troll. At this point, the number of people that can actually be "persuaded" to provide "true acceptance" to the LGBT community consists of maybe a hundred thousand Midwestern parents whose kids haven't come out to them yet, and may only come around when they get the "save the date" card for their kid's gay wedding. Everyone else is either already on board or will go to their graves yelling about plumbing fittings.

I mean, John Roberts wants gay people to live as second-class citizens, essentially, until Becky Wegner Rommel comes around, or strokes out, whichever comes first. Here's a hint, if you haven't seen her unintentionally hilarious, viral Facebook video: it's gonna be the stroke. And if you haven't seen the video, you really should. It's not something I'm willing to transcribe in order to mock here, but man, just get to the part where she goes off on a wingnut tangent about "Islaaaaaaaaaaamic terrorism!".

I straight up enjoy that video. I enjoy her heartfelt anguish. Does that make me a horrible person? Probably. But here's the thing. All her anguish is self-inflicted or imposed on her by organizations she willingly associates with. If she stopped wailing and moaning and tearing her hair out for five fucking seconds and thought about how this decision would legitimately affect her, she'd realize she's fine. We're all fine. Everybody's fine. Nobody needs to be upset. They're choosing to be upset, and they're wrong, and for the most part, from now on, they'll only be hurting themselves.

The only exception to that, right now, are the people in a position to gum up the works temporarily by being douchebags. Basically, state- and county-level clerks and officials who are trying to pretend they don't have to follow the court ruling. Some are resigning rather than issuing gay marriage licenses, which is fine. Job duties change all the time, and if your job asks you to do something that is legal and ethical but you don't wanna, you have the freedom to get another job.

But others, like Kentucky's Casey Davis, are staying in their jobs but refusing to issue marriage licenses to anyone, gay or straight, because "conscience". I saw Chris Hayes interview Davis by chance on MSNBC, and sweet merciful fuckmonkeys, was this guy a lunk. He sounded somewhere between a coerced hostage and one of those Star Trek robots caught in a logical contradiction. He couldn't even understand the basic question "who do you answer to", claiming he answered people all across the country. Thick-cut, applewood-smoked Kentucky moron.

In other news, America's Stupidest Congresscritter, Steve King, has proposed impeaching two of the five justices who voted in favor of gay marriage. Why only two? Because Elena Kagan and Ruth Bader Ginsberg have presided over same-sex weddings, and it's been a long-held belief of the Deep, Dumb Right that such a conflict of interest DEMANDED recusal. I will give him credit, he's the only person at his level actually proposing action, though he hedged his bets because he clearly doesn't have the balls to go through with such a flimsy case.

Mike Huckabee is still being a dick, claiming that "true discrimination" is when you're beaten, hosed in the street, or forced to use segregated restrooms. Not being denied marriage, which in Huckabee's eyes is fake discrimination. So, I guess Christians who aren't being fire-hosed, beaten, and forced to drink out of "Jesus-Freaks Only" water fountains in the wake of this decision need to shut the fuck up or face THE WRATH OF HUCKABEE.

Try to find a way to enjoy this brave new world, fuckers. You're stuck in it. I'd say you're stuck in it until you all die off, but the Supreme Court's other 5-4 decision on the EPA should ensure new generations of mercury-addled bigots to keep hate alive.

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