You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Memo to Doritophobes: YOU ARE FUNNY.
So, last week, the people at Doritos announced an exciting new breakthrough in the technology used to spray flavor dust on fried corn. Turns out they can make Cool Ranch dust in a bunch of different colors, and they used that technology to make bags of "rainbow" Doritos.
Don't get too excited. They haven't reached the point where they can actually make a single chip look like a rainbow. Each chip is a single color, making for a rainbow assortment, which is considerably less exciting than the mental picture I first got when I read a headline about "rainbow Doritos".
The good news is, Doritos isn't selling these chips. It's giving them away to people who donate at least ten bucks to It Gets Better, a charity devoted to keeping teens, especially LGBT teens, from killing themselves. Of course, any corporate entity supporting LGBT issues in any way brings out the coprolite community who still hasn't realized that from an economic standpoint, they lost years ago. Companies make more money being gay-friendly than they do being gay-shitty, so that's what they're gonna do.
This fact eludes the pile of dust and crumbs that lives at the bottom of news stories, of course. Here are some highlights.
"thank you frito-lay for promoting man-on-man **** sex. That's exactly what i wanted in my snacking experience. Seriously, fire the subversive jews who own the ad agency that trick you into spending YOUR money to further THEIR subversive politics by telling you this would sell more chips." - "forbes mag" on E! Online, who I can only assume is a sentient financial magaine who has somehow learned to type.
I will say, hateprudes on the Internet crack me up. I don't know if he refused to type "butt" or "anal" there, but either way, he was less comfortable typing that then he was typing "fire the subversive jews", which you'd think would be considered more offensive than "butt".
"Why doesn't the GAYSTAPO flag cover INCEST, POLYGAMY, BESTIALITY, NECROPHILIA, people?" - - Todd French, on USA Today.
Um, because those are the exclusive purviews of the Duggars, the Mormons, you, and your mom respectively? But I kid. I will admit, when I think of Gestapo tactics, I think of letting a snack company make a limited edition product to support my charity. The Gestapo was all over that kind of shit.
My favorite, of course, are the calls to boycott the corporation - which, of course, is the Pepsico/FritoLay behemoth. Good luck boycotting that. I mean, technically, they don't own Taco Bell or KFC anymore, but what are you gonna drink while you're there, water? How manly is that? Then, of course, there's the hilarious reasoning of one John Casper, a very unfriendly ghost indeed:
"never liked them now i never wil eat them! being gay is a sin against God! and un natural!"
You never liked them, but were planning to eat them before this? A likely story. Also, given all the weird dietary laws your God handed down at the same time he was allegedly saying not to be gay, it's a wonder there isn't already a biblical prohibition against neon-colored Cool Ranch dust. Because if you're going to rail against something "un natural", I'd be a lot more worried about that than a couple of dudes making out.