Celebrities

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A Lot Of Dribbling

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Memo to Dennis Rodman's friends and/or business associates: HOW, EXACTLY, DOES THIS WORK?

It is the year 2013. We may not be able to get a handle on global warming, the exploitation of cheap foreign labor, or the basic legislative functions of government, but in America, we have mastered the science of managing and publicizing quasi-celebrities.

From the Shore to the Kardashians to the Housewives, America's publicists, handlers, and fluffers have mastered the Fartsparkles Effect*, the ability to make stinky puffs of nothing shine until they're noticed.

In this environment, letting Dennis Rodman go to North Korea to hang out with noted enemy of America and nepotistic dictator Kim Jong Un is roughly like the Nobel Prize committee meeting for lunch and somehow managing to forget how FORKS WORK.

It's like all the underlying fundamentals of the science got thrown out the window. This is some Stone Age shit. Jane Fonda's publicist from the early 70's is wondering what the fuck is wrong with Rodman's people. I mean, look at this. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"He loves power. He loves control because others, you know, dad and stuff like that, but he’s just a great guy. He’s just a great guy.”

There are certain phrases experienced geopolitical phrases strive to eschew. At the top of that list? "Stuff like that." And on the rare occasions "stuff like that" is called for, it's never, ever preceded by "because others, you know, dad and". It makes it difficult to take you seriously.

I mean, even assuming you accept the stated idea behind the trip, which included a few Harlem Globetrotters and a film crew from HBO's "Vice", that the whole thing was about fostering peace through "basketball diplomacy", and that in reality, Kim Jong Un is just a misunderstood twentysomething who wants Obama to pick up the phone and call him, you've got to see that the message is fundamentally undermined by having Dennis Rodman deliver it in a delusional fog.

I mean, I'm all for diplomacy. I'm all for peace. Hell, I even think Rodman was sort of fishing around in the general vicinity of a point when he tried to compare the American prison system to North Korea's. And I'm still making fun of him, because all he's managed to accomplish was turn "Rodman in North Korea" into a go-to punchline for the next three years, minimum. It makes a North Korean rocket test look like a stunning success. Nice job.

*Did you get that reference? Without Googling? Then you are a fine, upstanding citizen. If you did not, then you have some wildly enjoyable research ahead of you.

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