You Are Dumb - Fernie

A Thousand Points Of Hate

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 20:03:00 -0600

Main Column, 23 January 2008

Welcome to the 1,000th edition of You Are Dumb Dot Net. Only not really.

I don't have any way of counting other than, you know. Actually counting. But today does bring "node/1000" in the content management system that I use to run the site, and there are only a tiny, tiny handful of nodes that aren't columns, so I've decided to call that the count and celebrate the odometer rolling over.

It's not a huge deal, but milestones are fun, and a good excuse to mention the milestone instead of actually writing about some stupid thing or other. So, in honor of the 1000th column, I've created the following graphic, which amuses me and also fulfills one of my standing goals - to get a Fernie design on a black T-Shirt in the CafePress store that even I forget I have most of the time.

Will there be two thousand? Damned if I know. But there'll be at least 1,001, and probably 1,002.

What We've All Been Waiting For

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 20:06:54 -0500

Fernie, 29 June 2007

This is not a dried-up version of an angry fern.

Or the transplanted version of an angry fern.

Or the kinda sorta mildly annoyed angry fern version of an angry fern.

It's just a very, very, very, very angry fern. On your phone. And it's calling to tell you to go fuck yourself.

The iFern. Only on the old You Are Dumb Dot Net.

Plant-Based Nightmare Fuel

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 21:15:14 -0600

Fernie, 22 January 2007

Memo to the audience: YES, I GOT ONE.

As much as I hate to play the Shameless Game Nerd card once again, the fact of the matter is that the national supply of Wii consoles finally reached a level where I could get one with what I consider to be an acceptable minimum level of effort. By which I mean not camping out, paying more than retail on eBay, or risking water intoxication. Combine that with the inevitable but still thrombosis-inducing news that Hillary Clinton has officially announced her presidential run, and, well, you can imagine my state of mind this weekend.

"Luckily" for all of us, the Wii's built-in avatar-creation system, the Mii Creator, features a surprisingly robust set of tools, allowing me to create what I think is a pretty good version of You Are Dumb Dot Net's favorite hateplant mascot.

Unfortunately, since I could not possibly keep up with the hundreds of thousands of Friend Code exchange requests this column could generate, I can't share Fernii with all you other Wii nerds out there. But rest assured, if you play around with the eyebrows enough, all things are possible. Really. Spend as much time as you need in order to get it just right.

O Fernenbaum

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 20:55:37 -0600

Main Column, 22 December 2006

Ah, Christmas. That special time of the year when nobody's reading. Which is fine. I get it. Hell, I don't read it most holidays either. So allow me to join you in a mutual lack-of-effort pact this year and throw up a picture.

For a couple of years, I've offered a small amount of CafePress merchandise. Including, most recently, the Fernie shirt, mainly so I could have one for myself. For a holiday party this year, my cohabitant and proofreader decided to gussy up the Fernie shirt for the holidays. It came out so nice that I thought I'd share it. Prepare to get your fucking halls decked right off.

Ain't that purty? Fuck the Bedazzler. Ornamental cartoon ferns are the fashion wave of the future.

Fern hate us, every one.

Cryptobotany

Wed, 17 May 2006 22:55:30 -0500

Main Column, 18 May 2006

The Church wants to suppress it. Historians want to ignore it. But you can help discover the truth. Can you crack... the DaFernci Code?

I bet you can.

My Bad

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 20:18:57 -0600

Fernie, 9 February 2006

I would like to take this moment to apologize to the plant community. It was not my intention to offend an entire chlorophyll-using people, and I hope you understand that.

At the same time, however, I have to say getting that upset over a mere cartoon strikes me as a bit much. I mean, we here at You Are Dumb Dot Net are equal-opportunity offenders, and have taken on hundreds of targets of all stripes over the years.

In the interests of freedom of speech, I am including the offending editorial cartoon here, so that readers can judge for themselves. Don't set fire to my website.

Obviously, I don't mean that all plants have bombs on the top of their stems. That would be ridiculous. I was simply making an important political point about the nature of fernaticism. Thank you for your time.

Blatant Webmeme Attempt

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 08:03:05 -0600

Main Column, 15 December 2005

I miss the early days of the Internet. Before the blogosphere, before Slashdot, when all you needed to attract millions of eyeballs was a crappy MIDI file, an animated GIF, and some simple HTML.

So, in tribute to the first ever web-meme, the Hamster Dance, I present my homage, the Fernie Dance!

NOTE:- Due to technical limitations, you will have to imagine some kind of goofy song playing in the background while Fernie dances.

NOTE: Due to bandwidth limitations, you will have to imagine there are hundreds of different Fernies on the page.

NOTE: Due to artistic limitations, you will have to imagine that Fernie is dancing. He's not your monkey, here to cavort while you grind your organ and beg for the occasional coin, you know. He's a fern. A fern with feelings. OK, just the one. The one feeling. But it's not a feeling that's conducive to dancing.

So, um, yeah. Tell your friends about the hilarious, wacky dancing fern! Look at him go... in your mind.

For Those About To Fern, We Salute You

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 20:27:08 -0600

Main Column, 11 November 2005
Once again, as the popularity of You Are Dumb Dot Net grows by leaps and bounds, the endorsement deals keep coming, fast and furious. After EA's huge sucess with Fernout Revenge, another game company has stepped up and asked to use the likeness of our beloved, chlorophyllic mascot in their fine videogame product.

Yes, now you can rock out to hits made famous by Robert Plant, The Cranberries, Axl Rose, Bob Mould, John Oates, The Roots, Smashing Pumpkins, Fiona Apple, Blind Melon, The Sex Pistils, Screaming Trees, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Michelle Branch, The Vines, Supergrass, Canibus, Syd Straw, Bush, and many others. Even Jack Thompson likes Guitar Fern, because Jack Thompson's a fucking vegetable.

Fernical Takedown

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 08:17:16 -0500

Main Column, 16 September 2005
I have no hate in my heart today.

Actually, that's not technically accurate. I have hate, but it's redirected. You may have remembered around this time last year a similar incident with the release of Burnout 3: Revenge. Well, the designers have taken a bold new direction, combined with a lucrative licensing agreement, and the result is sweeping the nation.

So no column today. I've been too busy playing:

New Fern On Monday

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 13:20:01 -0500

Fernie, 25 July 2005
To celebrate the semi-imminent launch of the (minor for the reader, major for the author) You Are Dumb Dot Net redesign, I am proud to present you with yet another version of that damned fern.

For those relative newcomers to the site, Fernie hates so that you don't have to. In much the same way that this site provides vicarious rage for its readers, so does Fernie provide an anger-surrogate for the entire planet. Especially for me. Especially on Mondays after weekends where nobody got fucked in the ass by a horse, and as much fun as it is to laugh at the miserable failure of The Island, it's not really worthy of an entire column.

So here's Fernie III, or as I like to think of him in continuity, Animated Fernie. You know, as if Kids WB had commissioned a "Fernie and Friends" series, only to come to the horrible revelation that Fernie has no friends. And doesn't move.

Animated Fernie comes to us courtesy Kevin Lambert, who handled the analog, and yours truly, who handled the digital.

Literary Pursuits

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 14:18:38 -0500

Main Column, 3 June 2005
I guess there's no such thing as bad press.
Between the news of Fernie's imprisonment in Guantanamo Bay, and the Amnesty International report, enough attention has been given to the subject that Fernie's memoirs have been snapped up by Harper-Collins for rapid publication. So check your bookstores on Tuesday for the humble story of one plant's rise.... to power.
Due to circumstances, there will be no book tour and no signed copies of the first edition available. Which is probably for the best anyway, as none of Fernie's many, many publicists have lasted more than a month on the job.

Fernie Update

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 14:01:58 -0500

Main Column, 23 May 2005
I know you're all concerned, so I'll tell you everything I can.
Ever since they pulled Fernie out of that spider plant* and sent him to Gitmo, the letters of support have been pouring in. Obviously, there's a lot I still can't discuss, but here's what I can tell you.
ALLEGATIONS OF ABUSE: The Army can't hide behind its flimsy "watering and fertilizing" defense forever. We're struggling to get our day in court, and when we do, I guarantee you that the judge will understand the difference between Miracle Gro and the bowel movement of an enlisted MP. The man we've dubbed Sergeant Tinkle will also be brought to justice.
Despite Newsweek's retractions, we continue to allege that interrogators at Guantanamo Bay knowingly mishandled the American Horticultural Society Encyclopedia of Gardening in front of Fernie, in an attempt to humiliate both him personally, and his cultural heritage. This unacceptable behavior must be brought into the light of day.
But apart from all that, Fernie is doing as well as can be expected. He's been working on his memoirs, or at least he was until the latest furor over the pictures in the Sun. At this point, we will not be taking legal action against the Sun, but are curious to find out who these "military sources" are that they claimed to get the pictures from. But despite the crude, childish nature of the photos, and especially the cover:
...Fernie feels that it's still better that the public get an idea of what his life is like now.
I'd like to thank the guys at Chloro-FASCISTS (now at http://freetheplant.blogspot.com) for helping get the word out. Keep the blogosphere rolling, guys. Your unpaid volunteerism at the behest of a foul, hate-filled fern warms my cynical heart.
*And despite the LIES you may read in the CORRUPT MAINSTREAM MEDIA, that spider-plant was fully mature at the time they were cross-pollinating.

Yet Another Picture Of A Plant

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 14:16:03 -0500

Main Column, 26 April 2005
You Are Dumb Dot Net. Raising badly photoshopped theological conundrums since 2004.

I Deserve A Break Today

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 14:24:59 -0500

Main Column, 6 April 2005
If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a half-assed picture should be more than adequate compensation for my inability to string 500 words together today.
So please enjoy today's free Internet content in the spirit in which it's intended.

Older Still

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 10:52:40 -0500

Fernie, 10 March 2005
As is traditional, I celebrate the addition of yet another year to my accumulated total by blowing off the column. But as is also traditional, I do not leave you entirely empty-handed. I give you a gift. For, as I have grown and changed as I have aged, so has Fernie, the Hating Fern.
And Fernie, in his infinite wisdom, has compiled the Cranky Fuckers List. These are the columns that, since the site's inception, have inspired Cranky Fuckers to mention how cranky they are. Sometimes in e-mail, sometimes elsewhere on the Internet. Considering how many words I've put to screen, it's not a very long list. So enjoy, and we'll see you tomorrow for more of what you're used to.
FERNIE PRESENTS: The Cranky Fuckers List!
Ushers of the Eucharist!
Protest Warriors!
Catwoman Day One!
Catwoman Day Two!
Setting Fire to Ice Cream!
Creationist Week!
Loonatics!