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Dribbling, Up And Down The Court

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Memo to Don "Moose" Lewis: YOU ARE MY NEW FAVORITE RACIST.

One of the rarely-uttered truths about racism is that not only does it occur at dozens of levels, it comes in dozens of types. And by far, the absolute best, most awesome kind of racism is Ignorant Comedy Racism. This is racism that prompts very stupid people to do very stupid things. But not things that hurt anyone, so we can feel fully justified in just leaning back and laughing at their sorry hick asses.

And so, Don "Moose" Lewis is my new favorite racist, because Don "Moose" Lewis is the commissioner of the All-American Basketball Alliance. And it's no coincidence that the AABA is only one letter away from the whitest band in the history of white music. The AABA plans to do for basketball what ABBA did for music, and will manage this through what is certainly an attention-getting set of criteria for players. ACTUAL CRITERIA TIME!

"Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league."

There you go. Apparently, Don "Moose" Lewis loves basketball, except for all the black people in it. And no halfsies trying to sneak in, either. I'm not sure how they're defining "Caucasian race" for the parents, of course, but that's a problem for the AABA to solve as it sifts through the nine or ten applications I'm sure they'll get for players on one of their alleged twelve teams.

Now, clearly, the creation of a whites-only basketball league could only be motivated by racism. But even the dumbest racists these days are aware that open racism is not a publicly accepted attitude. So it was left to Don "Moose" Lewis to explain to the world how his American Caucasians Only league wasn't racist at all. And the best part is, Don "Moose" Lewis is even less bright than you'd think. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he said. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."

Oh, well, never mind then. As long as there's nothing hatred about your no-darkies-allowed basketball league, that's OK then. Also, the only reason "people of white, American-born citizens" are in the minority are because they're a grammatical aberration the likes of which I have not seen in years, and thus nobody knows how to fucking count them in a census. Don "Moose" Lewis took a break from murdering the English language in a well to clarify just how racist he wasn't, by the way.

"Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch? That's the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction."

See? Don "Moose" Lewis doesn't hate black people. He merely disapproves of black people's genetic tendency for obscene gestures, random acts of violence, and genital-handling. I think he handled that explanation pretty well - you know, considering he's a bigoted pigfucker with an IQ that struggles to climb above freezing. Unfortunately, he's not getting any better with practice. And thanks to the national publicity his league has gotten on account of it being so fucking hilarious, he's had a lot of opportunity to explain it.

In Atlanta, where Don "Moose" Lewis hails from, Don "Moose" Lewis was grilled by radio host Bomani Jones. Don "Moose" Lewis even had a natural advantage - on the radio, nobody can see his sloppy hair, his jowly face, or his definitively-porcine eyes. And he still fucked it up. He argued with Jones over whether the league was segregated, and offered up the following logic.

"The league is not segregated because we allow ownership of anyone, no matter what their color is."

That right there is a classic public relations failure. If I were, perish the thought, ever to start a whites-only sports league of any kind, the last phrase I would ever want to say in public is "ownership of anyone". The only way it could have been worse is if he'd announced the signing of his first white power forward.

The only problem with all the attention he's getting is that he might actually make some money out of this. In the same interview, he announced the following:

"In the past 72 hours, I've been approached by two different parties to not only televise what we're doing, but to turn this into a reality show from the time we start all the way through, and at the end, have our white all-stars play a group of all-star black players, with the series called Snowball vs. Bro Ball."

That is an awful, awful fucking idea. That I would watch every single week. Just to hear Don "Moose" Lewis massacre syntax, assemble a crew of like-minded bigots interested in the "fundamentals" of basketball, and enjoying the finale. Where, in my ideal world, Don "Moose" Lewis and his team would not only lose badly, but get their asses beaten to a mushy pulp in the parking lot... by a bunch of their fellow Klansmen pissed off at how Don "Moose" Lewis has let down the Mooster Race.

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