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Kentucky Fried Neurons

« November 2006 »

Before we begin, you should know that today is World Hello Day, in which you are supposed to say hello to ten people for peace. This means you need to stop greeting people right now, and if at all possible, find the people you've greeted so far and rescind your greeting. Maybe slap them or something. Just to piss off the World Hello Day people. Bunch of fucking h... wait. Scratch that.

Memo to functioning Kentucky residents: GET OUT. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.

The stupidity is coming from INSIDE THE STATE.

I get a lot of material off of editorial pages, but nine times out of nine, it's from the letters to the editor, because let's face it, unless it's actably libelous or completely profane, newspapers will print anything. Those two restrictions, by the way, are why I don't bother writing letters to the editor.

The actual editorials I tend to leave alone, because, and this is from one who's written them, the newspaper editorial is an art form whose excitement and majesty can only be compared to Soviet-bloc concrete tenement architecture. Both of them are designed to occupy a certain amount of space in as nondescript a way as possible. Both are designed to house large numbers of stodgy, productive sentences / factory workers. Both are things I do not concern myself with. Normally.

Which brings us to Jenean Mcbrearty, contributing columnist for the Lexington Herald-Tribune. First of all, I don't even think that's a real name. It's a couple of desperation Scrabble words. It's the dregs of the phoneme grab bag. Anyway, I have to assume then when "Jenean Mcbrearty" isn't contributing columns to the Lexington Herald-Tribune, she's presiding over the world's largest straw production facility, because she managed to erect so many strawmen in her piece this week that you couldn't have enough smelly post-modern hipster festivals to set fire to all of them.

I mean, it's entitled "Hippies Still Trying To Ruin The Country", for fuck's sake. HIPPIES. Ruining the country! Or at least giving it the old dropped-out-of-college try! The only other person who thinks about hippies anymore is Eric Cartman, and he's fictional.

Of course, she's not talking about actual tie-dye-wearing, Dead-listening patchouli-heads undermining our democratic republic. No, the hippies, like the Power Rangers, have the power to morph. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Radicalized, the flower children morphed into lefty loonies who now masquerade as social progressives." The hippies have turned into radical morphing masters of disguise! There could be one next to you right now, and you'd never know they were guilty of horrible, horrible crimes, like this:

"For example, consider their continued belief that America's armed forces are neo-Nazi stormtroopers who delight in burning babies to further the aims of imperialistic corporations." Um, excuse me? I suppose, somewhere, you could find a handful of crazy people who believe something that this quote is a ridiculous exaggeration of, but for fuck's sake, progressives can't even get people to agree that torture is bad.

And it gets worse from there. "To renounce their military fictions would mean facing bigger, more important truths: Marxism doesn't work. Love is not all you need. Western culture is worth defending because it protects freedom, tolerance and the greatest material good for the greatest number."

Let's take those in order. First, thinking the government ought to pay for kids' vaccines isn't Marxism, and you could hold a convention of serious, intellectually honest Marxists in a small public bathroom. Second, that's a song lyric, not a philosophy. Third, freedom, tolerance, and the greatest good for the greatest numbers are what hippies get yelled at FOR BELIEVING IN. It's like yelling at fish for their constant Quixotic tirades against water. Mcbrearty must have foregone her state-mandated daily dose of bourbon and Lynyrd Skynyrd that day.

The "lefty loonies", a phrase, by the way, you can tell Mcbrearty thinks is beyond clever, then get accused of our other usual fake crimes - wanting to be nice to terrorists so they won't blow us up, wanting to surrender rather than fight, valuing the lives of Iraqi children, being mentally trapped in Vietnam, and loving BAWL more than God.

Yeah, that one threw me too. Thanks to a helpful parenthetical aside, though, I learned it stands for Buddha Allah Wicca Lenin, which I'm apparently supposed to believe are the four hippie gods. I could do an entire fucking column on why THAT doesn't work.

I hear tell there are sane people in Kentucky. If so, you need to realize that Jenean McBrearty is speaking for you, and that means you really need to move out of the state right away. Preferably leaving herds of newly-freed derby horses and a fiery trail of wreckage in your wake.

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