Idiots Say The Damndest Things

So Many Niches

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Memo to Carly Fiorina, Marco Rubio, and Mike Huckabee: YOU ARE NOT BEN CARSON.

Ben Carson's supposed announcement this week is actually coming in early May, which means I can't dance around the word "token" for another couple weeks. Or can I? Maybe for at least part of yet another presidential campaign edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"She won’t be able to talk about being the first woman president. She won’t be able to talk about a war on women without being challenged. She won’t be able to play the gender card.” - Carly Fiorina, explaining how Mutual Vagina Cancellation means the Republicans should pick her as their presidential candidate, you know, if she runs.

I have to say, this is remarkably naive, even for a female Republican. Because I don't know where she's been lately, but lots of people are being challenged when they talk about a war on women, mostly by Republican dudes. And any woman running for president can talk about being the first woman president. I know what she means, but she didn't say what she means, she said what she said.

And it's not just Hillary who won't be able to play the gender card. Fiorina won't get the nod because it'll also take gender-card dog-whistling off the table for the Republicans. Well, it won't take it off the table, because that would require habitual misogynists to have impulse control, but when it happens, it will dramatically lessen its effectiveness and increase its laughability. In the words of an omniscient, fish-torturing narrator, sorry, Carly.

"It's not that I'm against gay marriage. I believe the definition of the institution of marriage should be between one man and one woman... I don't think courts should be making that decision... I also don't believe that your sexual preferences are a choice for the vast and enormous majority of people." - Marco Rubio, being the worst.

Assuming Rubio isn't triangulating so far up his own asshole he can check for polyps along the way, this is actually a more offensive position than straight-up bigots who think being gay as a choice. Those fuckers are wrong, but at least their wrong assumption leads them to a conclusion, that, while reprehensible, follows logically from their reprehensible, wrong assumption.

Ignoring for a moment that you can't believe that marriage is between a man and a woman and somehow magically not be against gay marriage, if you think being gay is a fact of biology, and not a behavior, as Rubio claims, then Rubio is specifically calling for discrimination based on a biological fact. Marco Rubio has outed himself, if you'll pardon the term, as a straight supremacist.

"There’s nothing more honorable than serving one’s country and there’s no greater heroes to our country than our military,but I might suggest to parents, I’d wait a couple of years until we get a new commander-in-chief that will once again believe ‘one nation under god’ and believe that people of faith should be a vital part of the process of not only governing this country, but defending this country.” - Mike Huckabee, who has a pretty good idea of who he thinks that Commander-In-Chief should be.

Huckabee's perceived hostility towards faith in the military under Obama is, of course, actually perceived as hostility towards faith-based military, specifically a Christian military, specifically a crusading, proselytizing, heathen-converting military. Which I hope is part of Huckabee's platform when he makes the inevitable decision to be the second person to withdraw from the 2016 Republican primary.

Honestly, watching this tiny spectrum of wingnuttia try to distinguish themselves from each other with their own personal wedge issues is the most fun I've had in months. Scott Walker just came out against legal immigration, Rubio's positioning himself as the incoherent moderate begging you to cherry-pick the parts of his sentences you agree with, Huckabee's a straight up theocrat, Fiorina is genital counterprogramming, Cruz is the tricorner-hat teabagging gun nut, Jeb Bush's last name is Bush, and of course there's Ben Carson. Wonder what niche he'll try for?

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