You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Idiots Say The Damndest Things
Memo to Louie Gohmert, Steve King, and Anthony Culler: YOU ARE DUMB.
I'm feeling old-fashioned today. And despite the rash of gay marriage victories across America in the past few months, homophobes still roam free across our nation's prairies. And the less the country as a whole hates gay people, the funnier the remaining homophobes get. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!
"Well, you know, they did have people come along who they loved that was the same sex and would give them massages before they went into battle. But you know what, it's a different kind of fighting, it's a different kind of war and if you're sitting around getting massages all day ready to go into the big, planned battle, then you're not going to last very long. It's guerrilla fighting. You are going to be ultimately vulnerable to terrorism" - Louie Gohmert, explaining why the Greek military sucked.
This is why I will always love Louie Gohmert, for a sufficiently loose definition of "love". Nobody follows a batshit chain of fake logic like him. His brain is like a Moebius roller-coaster. A broken one. That eventually launches all the cars into a lake.
See, the Greeks had gay people give their gay soldiers gay massages before a battle. That's probably not accurate, but let's go with it. That means gay American soldiers are going to want massages, not just before battle, but all the time. Which the miliitary will allow, because the military is traditionally very lax about the desires of its personnel. Which means when the terrorists attack, our military's going to be caught naked, wrapped in towels, rubbing each other with oil. That's guerilla fighting! With his expertise, I'm shocked Obama hasn't made Gohmert his secretary of defense..
"I’ll just say that what was a sin 2,000 years ago is a sin today, and people that were condemned to hell 2,000 years ago, I don’t expect to meet them should I make it to heaven. So let’s stick with that principle.” - Steve King, on the Catholic Church's half-hearted attempts to sort of soften its stance on gay people.
Now, Steve King has pretentions of respectability that Louie Gohmert is either unwilling or incapable of expressing, so he has since denied he said what he said while repeating the things he said that lead directly to the conclusion he's denying - that gay people don't go to heaven. I suppose it's a mark of progress for homophobes, since at least this time they're not comparing gay people to all dogs.
Anyway, you know Steve King's full of shit because of one word in that quote. "Should." That's classic uber-Christian fake humility right there. Do you think for one second there's a shred of doubt in Steve King's mind that while we're all celebrating his overdue passing, he'll be walking through the pearly gates, being warmly welcomed into the arms of straight white Jesus.
"Operation Gremlin has completely surprised the same-sex marriage 'victors' and they are reeling from this surprise attack. For those of you that seek a new opportunity to grab victory from the mouth of the gremlin then now is the time to mobilize your churches, friends, and family!” - Republican congressional candidate Anthony Culler, two weeks in a row.
You may recall Cullen from last week's IDIOTS, claiming that if you feed gay people after midnight, they'll multiply, and if you get them wet, they'll destroy marriage, and they will flinch from the "bright light" of Jesus. I'm stretching his original Gremlins metaphor a bit, but only a bit.
Anyway, while Gohmert just moves on to his next stupid thing without apologizing or making a big deal about it, and King says he didn't say what he said, he just said what he said, Culler, who is new to this game, has taken the classic amateur tack of reveling in the attention he's getting for being a dumbfuck. Complete with faux-military nomenclature and a call to arms like he's some kind of leader, and not a dipshit who compared gay people to 80s movie monsters. Good luck with that.