Idiots Say The Damndest Things

Speaking Out And Removing All Doubt

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Memo to Darren Wilson: MAYBE TAKE YOUR VICTORY LAP LATER.

So, as we all suspected, the fix was in. There'll be more Friday about the actual weirdness of the whole Ferguson grand jury thing, but since Darren Wilson decided to go to ABC and do an interview while the epic protests over his pseudo-acquittal are hitting their peak in a tremendous display of bad taste and poor judgment, we might as well make assholade and treat it as an example of how IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I don’t think it’s a haunting, it’s always going to be something that happened. The reason I have a clean conscience is because I know I did my job right." - Wilson, who clearly did not major in self-awareness at Police Academy.

Let's say you're Darren Wilson and let's say you really and truly believe that deeply stupid thing that you said about how that time you killed a kid won't bother you because it was a thing that happened. I mean, how could a thing that happened bother you in the future?

But why would you say it? I can think of two possible reasons, and since they're not contradictory, I'll assume both are true. One, he's an inconsiderate lunkhead who's been chafing at not being able to tell "his story" for months. And the second is that he's auditioning for his Joe The Plumber Fifteen Minutes, where he'll get to go around the country speaking to every single group that's one step removed from white supremacy. You know, like the Republican National Convention.

"I just felt the immense power that he had. And then the way I've described it is it was like a 5-year-old holding onto Hulk Hogan. That's just how big this man was." - Darren Wilson, misunderstanding the purpose of simile.

We know the relative sizes of Michael Brown and Darren Wilson. We know the average size of a five-year-old. And since Darren Wilson is 28 years old, we can safely assume he's most familiar with NWO-era Hollywood Hulk Hogan. With all these facts at ourr disposal, we can look at his comparison and conclude that Darren Wilson is a racist bag of shit.

But again, let's talk about the poor interview judgment here. Wilson said a number of incredibly dubious things in his grand jury testimony, things that went completely unchallenged until the testimony was released publicly and the Internet got to work finding the most what-the-fuck moments. And one of them was the whole Hulk Hogan thing. If Wilson is going out of his way to repeat that comparison, that means he's proud of that comparison. Which tells us a lot of what we need to know, really.

"All I wanted to do was live." - Wilson, who clearly did not major in creative writing at Police Academy.

Of course you did. Of course, everyone knows that every cop learns very quickly that "afraid for your life" is how you justify any use of excessive force. This precedent, established at least as early as the first season of South Park, is also known as the "They're Comin' Right For Us" defense.

This is less of a dig on Wilson, honestly, who was clearly acting in self-defense by saying he was acting in self-defense, and more of a dig on ABC News and George Stephanopolous, who of course allow Wilson to say these things with an uncritical eye because they are part of the system and the continued operation of the system demands it. As long as there's a reasonable doubt that the system isn't rigged, the system won't be charged.

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