You Are Dumb - Politics

Pissing Off Pavlov

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 20:07:09 -0600

Politics, 17 November 2008

Memo to Senate Democrats: NOT THAT BIG A TENT.

Tomorrow, we find out how Harry Reid's Democratic Senate deals with a Republican. If the last two years are any indication, they'll roll over and play nice so as not to be seen as excessively partisan or divisive, even if it means hauling out the elaborate Rube Goldberg machine Democrats keep handy at all times. I'm not at liberty to divulge the details, but basically, it works like this:

A Democrat stands on a low pedestal, and the ranking Democrat in the room places a hamster in a small wheel. Through a complex series of gears and relays, the kinetic energy of the hamster's motion is transferred to a large, steel-toed boot, which, thanks to the principle of mechanical advantage, kicks the Democrat very hard right in the ass. I don't know what the machine is called, but I know they keep it in a Big Tent.

The particular Republican they're dealing with tomorrow is "Joystick" Joe Lieberman. I do not give a shit that he was elected as Connecticut's senator as a member of the Connecticut For Lieberman party, although I am curious why he always has an (I) after his name on the news and not a (CFL). The fact is, he's thrown in his lot with the Republicans. He gave in to the social conservative, Mortal Kombat-hating, Bill Bennett ass-kissing impulses that lurk deep in his heart and backed John McCain all the way, going the extra mile of openly engaging in the red-baiting and black-baiting that was the McCain campaign at its worst.

And now that the horse he backed has been lifted into the van and euthanized, he wants the Democrats to forgive him and let him keep his cushy jobs as head of the Homeland Security and Government Reform committee. If he doesn't, he's hinted he might take up Mitch McConnell's kind offer and vote with the Republicans. That the Democrats are even considering this is why Democrats piss me off. There are times to play nice, and there are times to play hardball, and this is a time to play hardball.

If there's one thing Pavlov taught us, you don't feed the dog when you haven't rung the fucking bell. If the rewards are handed out for things other than behavior, you have no means of controlling the behavior. Do they think they're bribing him to behave? He called Obama a Marxist when he HAD the chairmanships. Letting him keep them just means the boundaries are even farther out than he'd thought. Which is pretty fucking terrifying if you think about it.

It's possible that rather than being instinctively stupid, Reid and co. are being tactically stupid. As of right now, Democrats can be assured of 56 reasonably loyal votes in the next Congress. If Mark Begich wins in Alaska, as is likely, that's 57. If Franken wins the recount, as is somewhat less likely, that's 58. And if Jim Martin pulls out the special election in Georgia, that's be 59. So if Lieberman votes with the Democrats, they get 60 and can ostensibly blow past any filibuster the GOP tries to raise.

There's a bit of a problem with that logic, though. Lieberman didn't feel compelled to side with the Dems when he was a Democrat, he didn't get any less compliant as a Connecticut For Lieberman, He won't be any more of a reliable 60th vote after you give him is cookie. And if he throws a tantrum and caucuses with the Republicans, we'll get to see just how often he actually "votes his conscience" and sides with the Democrats, something Harry Reid seems to think happens all the time on any issue that isn't really really important, like the war.

All of this is completely separate from the fact that Lieberman sucks as a committee chair. His committee exists, among other things, to investigate chicanery and general jiggery-pokery in the area of national security and the military. But if his committee were the sole metric, you 'd think Bush had been running his wars, his intelligence operations, his spying, his prisoner policy, and the financing of everything in a perfectly legal, ethical, respectable, and above-board manner.

It's rare that a profane phrase I've been reciting for the better part of the past decade is actually sound public policy advice, but FUCK JOE LIEBERMAN. Al Gore didn't take that advice. The voters of Connecticut didn't take that advice. And odds are, the Senate Democrats won't take that advice either. But when they don't, Joe Lieberman and I will agree on at least one thing. Senate Democrats are suckers.

One Last Reason

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 21:07:08 -0500

Racism, 3 November 2008

Memo to anyone still thinking of voting for John McCain: YOU DON'T CARE.

Over the course of this year, I've offered my readers a laundry list of reasons not to vote for John McCain, but I didn't expect any of them to resonate beyond the choir to whom I preach most weekdays. Differences in policy, differences in tone, all these things can be set aside and looked past even by seemingly moderate conservatives whose lust for low marginal tax rates lets them maintain the illusion of the Straight-Talking Maverick.

People who, unlike me, are interested in maintaining a civil and polite discourse like to say that despite our political disagreements, most Democrats and most Republicans are decent human beings. And you know, I'd like to believe that. So let's give this a try. I'm going to describe something John McCain has personally done, along with his vice president and his surrogates, in the closing days of his campaign. It is something that no decent human being should condone. And it is something that any decent human Republican will have to willingly condone in order to walk into a voting booth tomorrow and cast a vote for John McCain. So if you know any decent human Republicans, make sure they know about this, and know what they're voting for.

Rashid Khalidi is a professor at Columbia University, where he heads that school's Middle East Institute. He's an American of Palestinian descent, born in New York. He's a historian, a respected scholar, praised by people across the political spectrum. So respected, in fact, that the International Republican Institute, chaired by John McCain, gave Khalidi's Center for Palestine Research and Studies a $450,000 grant ten years ago.

But that was then, and this is now. John McCain, war hero, maverick, straight-talker, bipartisan and moderate, has turned Rashid Khalidi into an enemy of the state based on trumped-up charges and lies. Why? Because Khalidi was friends with Barack Obama in Chicago.

In the extensive* research I've done on this whole sorry mess, the worst thing I can find about Rashid Khalidi is the claim that he was a "spokesman for the PLO" in the late 70's and early 80's. The take on this ranges from him giving his expert opinion / Palestinian perspective to reporters, making the claim erroneous, to, at the very worst, being one of a team of go-betweenss when Israel wanted to negotiate with the PLO without being seen to be negotiating with the PLO.

Oh, and he's criticized Israel. This is not a crime, no matter how it's treated by American politicians who've spent the last four or five decades treating Israel as an even more perfect country than America, a nation whose every policy is embodied in the flesh and blood of every single Jew in the world. And thus, suggesting that Israel has done things that are wrong is equivalent to wanting to kill all the Jews. But that's not actually the way things are.

The crux of this ginned-up controversy is Rashid Khalidi's farewell dinner from the University of Chicago in 2003, which Barack and Michelle Obama attended. According to the LA Times, at that dinner, Obama praised the challenging intellectual discussions he'd had with Khalidi over the years. From this, McCain has attempted to paint Khalidi as a dangerous radical, demanding that the Times release its tape of the event, which the Times says would violate their agreement with the tape's source. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

""If there was a tape of John McCain in a neo-Nazi outfit, I think the treatment of the issue would be slightly different." - John McCain.

"Among other things, Israel was described there as the perpetrator of terrorism rather than the victim. What we don't know is how Barack Obama responded to these slurs on a country that he professes to support." - Sarah Palin.

John McCain, with his own words, elevated two professors discussing the complicated and nuanced Israeli-Palestinian conflict with a United States Senator dressing up in neo-Nazi gear and parading in front of a video camera. He and his are taking an American college professor and slandering him, portraying him as someone so dangerous that having dinner with him is a sign of moral corruption and unfitness for office.

I'm not even going to argue that McCain is doing it because Khalid has a beard, is of Palestinian descent, and has an Arab name. I'm not going to argue that it's all part of a shameless attempt to portray Obama as someone who secretly sympathizes with terrorists. That's all true, but even without the obvious hate-baiting, what McCain is doing is deliberate and reprehensible.

Rashid Khalidi did nothing wrong, and he is being turned into the object of right-wing frothing hatred, a caricature for Americans to fear, someone for Fox News to chase down with cameras, then portray his refusal to talk as further evidence for suspicion. John McCain is doing this, and he's doing it on purpose in order to win a few extra votes tomorrow.

And if you read this and still vote for John McCain, I'm afraid you can't actually be considered a decent human being. I'm not saying you have to vote for Barack Obama. You can stay home. You can leave the top line of the ballot blank and vote for Norm Coleman, Saxby Chambliss, or Elizabeth Dole for all I care. You can write in Mickey Mouse, or do something even more futile and vote for Bob Barr. But if you vote for John McCain, then you're saying that what's being done to Rashid Khalidi is acceptable. And it's not.

*At least compared to the usual rigor I pour into this column.

BOO!

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 22:16:21 -0500

Election 2008, 31 October 2008

Memo to the politics of fear: YOU ARE DUMB.

A lot of people are treating this election as a referendum of the effectiveness of character assassination and fear-based politics. Which would be a mistake. No, most of the attacks haven't succeeded in moving their beneficiaries ahead in the polls. That doesn't mean they're not working, it just means that Obama, for example, would be a lot farther ahead than he is now. We're lucky that fear is being overwhelmed by other factors right now, but don't count crazy bullshit out. In the interests of keeping you afraid of fear, for Halloween, I present the scariest ads of the 2008 campaign, courtesy SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

We start in Mississippi, which right there ought to be enough to make you start shitting candy corn. Way down south in the land of cotton, Senator Roger Wicker is fending off a strong challenge from Democrat Robert Musgrove. In an attempt to scare voters into not voting for the not-very-progressive-at-all Musgrove, Wicker made a list of all the most liberal groups who contributed to the DSCC, who spent some money on his opponent. Well, he didn't make a list. He made a line. Of people in costume. Representing the interests.

The Friends of Hillary? Represented by a short-haired, possibly lipstick lesbian woman in a suit. A guy in a cow suit represented a beef plant. NARAL Pro Choice America is a middle-aged guy in glasses and a suit with a briefcase full of money, which only makes sense if you're a twisted embryo-fetishist. Oh, and the Human Rights Campaign? They got a cowboy, a biker, and a construction worker. You know, like the Village People. Because they're gay. And in Mississippi, the only gay stereotype they have is one from three decades ago, because they're backwoods pigfuckers.

Next we turn to my sweet home Minnesota, where Norm Coleman is getting long in the tooth in every possible sense of the term. In order to help Coleman defeat Al Franken, the crack team* at the NRSC came up with a great mailer. Using cartoon images of Franken, the cover says "Come on in, kids! Senator Franken's going to tell a few jokes..."

Open this inviting cover, and what do you find inside? On the left, cartoon kids with word bubbles attacking Franken. On the right, comic-book text saying Franken has "written so-called comedy routines about raping women", which as we've discussed happened in a writer's room brainstorming. Oh, and of course, "Wrote a pornographic column for Playboy - and thought it was funny."

See, if he'd written a pornographic column for Playboy and thought it -wasn't- funny, that would be a problem. That's called turning in shoddy work and getting paid for it, something Norm Coleman knows way too much about. The mailer caused a huge uproar because apparently Minnesota kids were going through the mail, looking at the comic book, and asking their parents what "pornographic" means. Or asking Dad if he still had the Playboy with the Franken column in it in that box in the closet Mom thought he threw away.

And finally, the big winner - the single worst, scariest, and most upgefucked ad in the history of Election 2008 - a call I'm more than willing to make with four days to go, because it's just that awful. Ladies and gentleman, I give you Elizabeth "My Husband's A Viagra Spokesman And All I Got Was This Lousy Lay" Dole, attempting to hang on to her North Carolina Senate seat. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"A leader of the Godless Americans PAC recently held a secret fundraiser in Kay Hagan's honor. Godless Americans and Kay Hagan -- she hid from cameras, took godless money. What did Hagan promise in return?"

First, as a proud godless American myself, allow me to deliver to Elizabeth Dole her obligatory "Fuck you and the plastic fake Jesus you rode in with". I didn't even know we HAD a political action committee, so that shows you just how harmless and powerless they are. We're certainly not some shadowy organization you can tar your opponent with based on a grossly exaggerated connection. Well, I guess Elizabeth Dole can, because she's a horrible human being.

Further evidence of Elizabeth Dole's oxygen-wasting potential comes at the end of the ad, in which the voice of Godless American Ellen Johnson saying "There is no God." is superimposed over Sunday school teacher Kay Hagan's face. If this ad proves anything, it's that there is a drastic shortage of tar, feathers, and rails for which to run people out of town on in modern American politics.

Hope you stocked up on fun-size Milky Way, because it's going to be a long weekend.

*Although to be fair, it's entirely possible they were cranked on meth instead.

The Final Three

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 11:29:13 -0500

Election 2008, 30 October 2008

Memo to the Final Three: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's less than a week before the election, which means I only have room for three, count 'em, three more IDIOTS who have SAID THE DAMNDEST THINGS before Election Day. Who are they? What did they say? It'll be tough to choose just three, but luckily, dumbasses who try harder make it easier for me.

"After all, we don't all write dirty articles for Playboy. Oh, and go Vikings!" - Victoria Jackson, who, along with John Ratzenberger, Robert Davi, Pat Boone, and Stephen Baldwin, appeared in an ad attacking Al Franken.

Um, Victoria? Do you know why you don't get to write dirty articles for Playboy? Because you're NOT FUNNY. And not very bright. That's why Al Franken is coming off a talk radio hosting gig and best-selling books to run for Senate, and you spend your time calling Obama the anti-Christ in your nutjob blog that nobody ever reads. Well, until you appeared in this ridiculous ad. Then everybody remembered you existed, wondered what you'd been up to, Googled you, found your insane fundie blog ravings, and determined that you'd been up to going psycho.

Also, that Vikings thing was shameful and pandering, and would that it were possible, I'd suggest that you, Norm Coleman, and the National Republican Senatorial Committee should all be ashamed of themselves.

"When you take a lurch to the left you end up in a totalitarian dictatorship. There is no freedom to the left. It’s always to our side of the aisle." - Iowa congressman Steve King, who has a history of saying stupid shit.

Huh. Now, I'm no expert on American History, but I'm pretty sure that on any number of occasions since 1776, the United States has lurched to the left. And I'm also pretty sure that we've never been a totalitarian dictatorship, except in Dick Cheney's wet dreams. So Steve King is already talking epic amounts of bullshit before he even reaches the principle that freedom only exists during periods of Republican dominance.

That may be true in King's world, but if it is, it's only because the NSA stopped listening to his phone calls because the couldn't fucking stand it anymore and spent their time listening to soldiers having phone sex instead.

"I believe Muslims are our enemies... I believe war is a fact of life and we should always win... I believe there is a moderate and a socialist in this election. I agree with a two-party system, but Obama isn't a messiah or a democrat. He's a Muslim socialist." - Marcia Stirman, FORMER head of the Republican Women of Otero County, in a letter to the Alamogordo Daily News.

The fascinating thing about Stirman's letter is that it contains one truly revealing statement. The long list of beliefs, including (as shown above), was titled "Why I'm A Republican". And certainly, if you want to bomb people with different religions, bomb people with different ideologies, and label people who aren't a different religion as if they are so that it gives you carte blanche to bomb them, well, the Grand Old Party is the party for you. Sure, you might get kicked out of your post as a face-saving measure if you admit it out loud and people notice, but in a party where G. Gordon Liddy and Oliver North are members in fine standing, don't worry. You won't be on the outs for long.

I feel bad for the hundreds and hundreds of stupid people out there who've said stupid shit about this election, but I'm afraid we've filled our last three shots. The good thing is, once the election's over, these people will still be stupid. And they'll feel threatened and cornered and wounded and tiny and small. And thus, their time will come.

Eight A Dick

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 11:28:22 -0500

Election 2008, 29 October 2008

Memo to anti-gay Californians and outsiders: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's indicative of the insanity we're surrounded by every second of this election year that I haven't even mentioned Proposition 8 yet. Known colloquially as the Make Sulu Sad Act of 2008, Proposition 8 is a ballot initiative in California that "Changes the California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry in California (and) provides that only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

This amendment differs from the similar amendments passed in Jesusland during the 2004 and 2006 elections in one significant way - it would actually walk back the legalization of gay marriage in California that, since a court ruling back in May, has allowed hundreds of gay couples to have their long-term commitments recognized by the state just like straight couples. Including George Takei and his husband.

Note that over the summer, California did not sink into the ocean. Men did not marry dogs. Like Massachusetts and Connecticut and Canada and various European countries, civilization has not in fact come crashing to a halt. Well, at least not because of the gays. But that hasn't stopped the usual collection of idiots from lining up to enshrine their completely gratuitous bigotry into the law of the land. Some of the most egregious examples of fuckwits supporting Proposition 8 (which you should of course vote NO on if you live in California, and tell everyone you know in California to vote NO on if you don't):

MORMONS!: Yes, everyone's favorite anti-ninjas, the Church of Jesus Christ of What The Fuck Is Their Problem, has been pouring money into California to stop gay marriage. Even though most of them live in Utah, which I predict will be the last state in the Union to have legal gay marriage, right after Tennessee, possibly before the sun grows cold.

According to the Salt Lake City Tribune, who should know, this is the most politically active Mormons have gotten since their successful fight against the Equal Rights Amendment, which should help you home in on what backwards fucks most Mormons are. Apparently, the anti-gay fervor amongst the Magic Underpants Faithful has gay Mormons feeling upset and unwelcome. Well, folks, remember that when choosing between homosexuality and Mormonitude, only one of those is actually genetic. When Election Day passes, whether Prop 8 passes or is shot down, all those other people in your church will still hate you. They'll just go back to doing it quietly.

ProtectMarriage.com: Apparently, the garden-variety fuckwitter of gay marriage opponents wasn't enough for the coalition of bigots behind ProtectMarriage.com. They got a list of companies that donated money to a sane group, Equality America, and sent them a certified letter including the following. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Make a donation of a like amount to ProtectMarriage.com which will help us correct this error. Were you to elect not to donate comparably, it would be a clear indication that you are in opposition to traditional marriage. ... The names of any companies and organizations that choose not to donate in like manner to ProtectMarriage.com but have given to Equality California will be published."

In for a penny, in for a pound, I guess. When you're treating an entire group of people as second-class citizens because you disapprove of their biological makeup, what's a little blackmail and extortion? Just a bit of extra oomph to the cause, really. I'm not sure why they think the ploy would work. I mean, presumably, if the fuckwits at ProtectMarriage could get the list, then anyone can. And if they're donating to Equality America, then clearly they're telling "traditional" marriage it can fuck right off and die a long overdue death. Well, maybe not in so many words. Well, except Apple, which I'm pretty sure said something almost exactly to that effect.

It just makes the Yes On 8 crowd look like petty, small-minded thugs. You know, like a mirror does.

CLAY MUSIC MINISTRIES: - I don't know who these bastards are, but they've managed to singlehandedly break new ground in anti-gay ick. And how did they do it? By making an ad in which two seven-year-old children sing a tender homophobic ditty to the tune of "This Old Man". I can't make out all the lyrics, presumably because the kids are home-schooled. But they end with the couplet "If my dad is a woman or my mom is a man / Yes on Proposition 8", which doesn't even rhyme.

Also, I don't remember a single news story about the California court decision that mentions sex-change operations for existing, heterosexual parents. So unless Clay Music snatched up a couple of foster kids from the state, there's no way these adorable moppets could end up with a dad who's a woman. OK, that's not fair. I'm sure the seven-year-olds were trying to dumb down the argument enough that the pro-Prop-8 people could understand it.

Prop 8 needs to fail, and fail hard. If there are enough bigots in California to enact a constitutional amendment there, then it's going to take a hell of a lot longer than I thought for us to reach the inevitable future we're heading toward, whether the Mormons, the bigots, or the insane child-warping musical ministries like it or not.

The Bachmann Boogie

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 21:36:53 -0500

Wingnuts, 23 October 2008

Memo to Michelle Bachmann: HOLY SHIT, YOU SUCK AT THIS.

I cannot contain my glee at watching Michelle Bachmann, Minnesota's own basic-cable low-rent Ann Coulter, dodge and weave and do a St. Vitus' dance I call the "Bachmann Boogie" in a desperate attempt to recover from last Friday's disastrous Hardball interview. You know, the one where she called in the media to investigate members of Congress who may have anti-American views? It's like a schadenfreude sandwich on schadenfreude bread with schadenfreude mustard and a side of schadenfries.

Three weeks ago, if you'd asked me, I would have assumed that Bachmann's re-election was assured. She had the benefit of incumbency, was running in a district stupid enough to elect her in the first place. She was running against a guy named Tinklenberg. But now? Tinklenberg has almost a million bucks in small donors, the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee is in for another million, their Republican counterparts have pulled all their ads promoting Batshit Bachmann, and it turns out there is such a thing as bad press after all.

On Monday, I mentioned Bachmann's first attempt at playing her Get Out Of Fuckup Free card - the standard denial. You may have seen it recently when Sarah Palin claimed the Troopergate investigation said she didn't do anything illegal or unethical, which is a fascinating interpretation of "she broke an ethics law", and one that somehow seemed to work. But Bachmann is no Palin. Faced with direct quoting of her saying she feared Obama held anti-American views, she reached for the top of the Republican Community Chest pile, and to nobody's surprise, came up with "Blame The Media". ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Chris Matthews laid a trap, and I walked into it... Chris Matthews was using the term over and over, and I should not have used it... This was Chris Matthews. I made a big mistake by going on the show. I never should have... I just didn’t recognize — I never watched the Chris Matthews show before. I should have before I went on. I didn’t recognize that he would lay a trap the way that he did." - Bachmann, to the St. Cloud Times.

Wait, are we talking about the same Chris Matthews? Spud-For-Brains? He's a fucking cable news hack, not even one of the Spy Vs. Spy guys. You know how you can tell Chris Matthews has set a trap for you? Simple. Look for the piece of notebook paper taped to the wall with the word "TRAP" and an arrow written on it in crayon. If you then walk into that trap, you're as stupid as... well, Michelle Bachmann, I suppose. And there's a whole list of jobs, ranging from burrito folder all the way up to congresscritter, that being that dumb ought to disqualify you for.

And second, I call bullshit. Chris Matthews has been doing Hardball, or earlier incarnations of the same damn schtick, since 1994. You're going to tell me that the politically ambitious Bachmann never once tuned in? You're going to tell me that during the late 90s, when Matthews was making his bones by raking the Clintons over the coals, that the ultraconservative Bachmann didn't check it out EVER? No fucking way. The only true thing in that entire interview was the part where she said going on the show was a big mistake. Although that depends on your point of view. You could argue that going on Hardball was the first good thing Michelle Bachmann has ever done for society.

We've done the jump to the left and the step to the lie, but it's the psychotic thrust that'll prove she's insane.* Watch, as she goes on conservative talk radio and repeats the claims she swore she didn't make, and was tricked into making:

To Hugh Hewitt:"And so, he was using the word 'Anti-American' and I told Chris, what I question are Barack Obama’s views. Because Barack Obama’s views are against America. They won’t be good for our country." And to Mike Gallagher: "And they can’t take it because the point is what are Barack Obama’s policies? Are they for America or will they be against traditional American ideals and values?"

See? He's not anti-American, he just holds views that are against America and against traditional American ideals. Anyone who would twist that into Obama being "anti-American", based on nothing more than liberal bias and the knowledge that "anti-" means "against", is just a clever trickster who happens to host an obscure talk show that no Representative in their right mind would ever have heard of. Follow that?

BONUS HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEA: Tie some sheets into a bunch of knots, drape them over yourself haphazardly, and be the hit of your party as "Michelle Bachmann's Logic".

*If I ever apologized for any jokes, I would apologize for this one.

Bachmann Turnout Overdrive

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 22:25:07 -0500

Wingnuts, 20 October 2008

Memo to Michelle Bachmann: GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY.

Fuck, it's worth a try. Actual true story. Friday morning, workplace political discussion. The topic? That Michelle "Batshit" Bachmann was only four points up on her unfortunately-named Democratic challenger, Elwyn Tinklenberg. That morning, I predicted that if she were to do something incredibly stupid, she might lose. But it couldn't be the usual stupid shit she pulls two times a day. No, this would have to be something monumentally stupid, preferably on camera, preferably reaching a national audience.

From my lips to your non-existent deity or deities' ears. Because that evening, there she was, on Hardball With Mr. Potato Head, calling for a full media investigation into which members of Congress hold un-American beliefs, starting with Barack Obama and not stopping until they're all rooted out. On-camera, for twelve minutes, reaching a national audience, displaying the full range of utter idiocy and bugfuck insanity that we all know Bachmann harbors in her tiny, twisted brain.

Here's the short version of how it went down. Bachmann was there to push the Ayers story and act like there's a ton of stuff out there about the Obama/Ayers relationship that we don't know. This is, of course, a lie, but it's one of the lies Republicans are freely being allowed to tell this election, so that's OK. But then she took it one notch farther on the great wingnut belt. She dipped her toes into the conspiracy theory that Obama has been shaped all his life by radical anti-Americans, from Wright to Ayers to a whole list of other names that you usually see in all caps on a comments page.

And Chris Matthews, who has recently taken up pretending to be a journalist as a hobby, noticed that Bachmann was sitting on the other side of the Acceptably Crazy/Unacceptably Crazy wall, and decided to actually spell out the shit she was implying. This is traditionally done by cable news journalists to allow the politician to step back from the abyss. Having given everyone a nice long look at what they want to say, but can't, they then say "Of course I don't mean that, Chris. I'm just saying that the American people have a right..."

But Michelle Bachmann is, as we've noted many times before in this space, SUPER DUMB. So when confronted with the question of whether she was calling liberals, including her fellow members of Congress, anti-American, she leapt in with both feet. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Absolutely. I'm very concerned that he may have anti-American views. That's what the American people are concerned about. That's why they want to know what his answers are. That's why Joe the plumber has figured so highly in the last few days... You'd have to ask them, Chris. I'm focusing on Barack Obama and the people that he's been associating with... What I would say -- what I would say is that the news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look. I wish they would. I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out, are they pro-America or anti-America? I think people would love to see an expose like that."

I didn't think she could pull it off, but she did. She actually broke her own individual record in the hundred-meter stupid, which has stood uncontested for MONTHS. And when you add in the blatant lie denial, ("I'm not saying his views are anti-American. That's a mis-reading of what I said.") and the truly epic electoral consequences, she may actually have broken the world record. And oh, what consequences they are.

First, when this broke wide, the left-wing blogs started sending money to Elwyn Tinklenberg. He got half a million dollars in 24 hours. Which, for a low-profile House race, is a huge, huge amount, and with luck, he'll use it to get some ads on the air in the final weeks of the race. But it gets better. ACTUAL NOT-BACHMANN QUOTE TIME!

"Thank you for your support in helping me lead the charge in Minnesota’s 6th Congressional District against the destructive neocon ideology that has mired the United States in an unnecessary war in Iraq at a cost of thousands of American lives, hundreds of billions in taxpayer dollars, and untold damage to the international stature of the United States of America. And, as if incumbent Rep. Michele Bachmann’s enthusiastic support for these policies is not damaging enough, she now appears to be calling for a witch hunt to 'find out [which members of Congress] are pro-America or anti-America.' We cannot tolerate this festering brand of neo-McCarthyism in our midst."

That rabid anti-american leftist is REPUBLICAN Aubrey Immelman, who tried to unseat Bachmann in the primary, and who is encouraging Republicans in her district to write in his name instead of voting for her. It's like Christmas in October, and every present Bachmann opens launches a spring-loaded pie into her face. If this actually gets Michelle Bachmann out of Congress, I swear, I'm going to declare October 17 an official YAD holiday and celebrate it every year.

Who Speaks For Mario?

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 21:27:02 -0500

Election 2008, 17 October 2008

Memo to Joe The Plumber, John McCain, and Barack Obama: YOU ARE DUMB.

And so, we are done with the debates. And what a way to go out, huh? In a desperate attempt to create a new demographic out of thin air that will vote for him, John McCain conjured up the mighty JOE THE PLUMBER, whose plucky spirit and hard-working American grit would be crushed, CRUSHED, by Barack Obama's brutal, class-warfare taxcuttery. But that's not important right now. What's important is that we kick off an all-debate SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY with the most important picture on the Internets.

I have no idea what the fuck this actually is. And I don't care. Sure, it's taken willfully out of context, one frame out of 24 per second in which John McCain seems to be doing the robot while tonguing an imaginary penis. Not at all representative of the man or his life. But boy, howdy, would I love it if this image was the first thing the entire universe thought of when they heard the name "John McCain", so I present it here in direct shameless service of that noble goal.

Only one man in all of history has been photographed with his face looking like that and managed to keep his reputation as an intellectual and genius intact. That man was Albert Motherfucking Einstein. And as anyone who watched Wednesday night's debate can attest, John McCain is no motherfucking Einstein. Also, are Republicans allowed to have jazz hands? Doesn't that automatically make you a beatnik or a fairy? Maybe it's time for one of McCain's own non-litmus litmus tests.

OK. Joe the Plumber. Immediately after the debate, when all I knew was the guy's name and story, I was already prepared to tell Joe the Plumber to fuck right back off to whatever S-Bend he crawled out of. In an election cycle that's already given us hockey moms, Joe Sixpack*, and Chris Matthews' famous "regular Americans", the last thing I needed was some new incarnation of some new demographic filled with people who irritate me.

Then I found out that, far from a new demographic, Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher is all too familiar - an underinformed, tribal pigfucker who's too stupid to figure out that Barack Obama's tax plan would leave him with MORE money, not less. Probably because he's too busy railing against the evils of Social Security to learn how to use a pocket calculator. So double-fuck that guy with a couple of three-foot lengths of professional-grade PVC.

And Obama. Buddy, you know I want you to win. And you know you've probably got it all under control. And it's great that you're running against Bush, and running against McCain by telling us he's just like Bush. But the last time I checked, Bush and McCain were just two representatives of an ideology known alternately as "the right", "conservatives", and "Republicans". And you know what three terms you didn't use last night, and that I can't remember the last time you used? "The right", "conservatives", and "Republican".

And maybe you think you need that to win. And maybe you're right. But your opponent spent the entire debate coming out of the closet as a hardline movement conservative. He played every single conservative douchebag card he was allowed to bring into a domestic policy debate - "pro-abortion", ACORN, Fannie and Freddie, never raise taxes, activist judges, class warfare, redistribution of wealth.

All watchwords for a movement and a philosophy that is weaker than it's been in three fucking decades, and you couldn't take a moment of your time to kick it while it's down, drive a stake into its heart, and maybe start building up positive associations with liberalism in the general public? Apparently not. You get a pass now, but come January, we need to see some movement on this front.

*Back in the good old days, we called them "racist alcoholics". Goddamned political correctness.

Pay Up Or Shut Up

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 21:33:04 -0500

Religion, 6 October 2008

Memo to Freedom Pastors: PAY UP, FUCKERS.

Yes, it's time for another Persecuted Jesusfreak Hissyfit! Well, technically, it's past time, since Pastor Freedom Sunday was actually two Sundays ago, but I figured it could wait. Partly because up to a point, I actually agree with the 33 pastors who participated in the event by loudly and specifically endorsing political candidates from the pulpit.

I agree with them that it's utterly ridiculous that this line exists. Churches wield vast amounts of political power as it is. They get involved in elections. They are a huge force that must be both reckoned with and pandered to by candidates from both parties in order to win office. But there's this arbitrary line where the church gets in trouble if the head of the church goes up in front of the congregation and mentions a specific candidate by name, either for or against. That's bullshit.

Unfortunately, that's the only part of this on which the pastors and I agree, and that's why I'm awesome and right, and they're a bunch of pussies and wrong. Because they want to eat their cake and have it too. They want to maintain their privileged status in society while being able to get down in the dirt and participate politically like the rest of us. In other words, they want representation without taxation.

Churches don't pay taxes. We all know this. It's part of the separation of church and state that churches, especially right-wing churches, don't think exists. Yet you never see these churches writing out voluntary checks to the IRS while they're campaigning for prayer and creationism in the public schools. Similarly, the 33 pastors, all right-wing, all McCain-supporters, who endorsed Gramps or trashed Obama last Sunday did so in the hopes of overturning the tax law that would lead to consequences for their political activity.

"The scripture is very clear about our need to obey all laws. I want people to realize that there are two laws here that compete with each other. The IRS says that I cannot talk about politics. The Constitution says I can. Unless there's a court battle, we don't know which law to obey." - Rev. Gus Booth of Warroad Community Church in northern Minnesota, who is lying.

The IRS says you can talk about politics from the pulpit, as long as you pay taxes. The Constitution also says the government can collect taxes from whoever they want. Churches' tax-free status isn't enshrined in the Constitution, ergo there's no conflict, ergo you can obey both laws quite easily. All you have to do is admit there's no basis for your tax-free status and get out your checkbook

Fuck 'em. Personally, I think the church's tax-free status needs to go anyway. Put on a progressive sliding scale like the income tax. Small churches who don't take in a lot of cash can pay very little. Hell, include exemptions for charitable work and things that help society, even. But if all they're doing is installing padded recliner seats so that practitioners can sit comfortably while they sing along to crappy praise videos displayed on huge big-screen TVs? Then listen to their pastor accuse Obama of infanticide (or, in the interests of relative fairness, McCain of genocide)? Fuck them. Let them chip in toward all the bombs and bailouts.

It's just another version of the traditional religious persecution complex that sees the loss of a privilege as the loss of a right. I anxiously await the test cases Pastor Freedom Sunday was meant to trigger, and I look forward to the day when Pastor Gus is treated just like I am - free to speak out about the ills I see in our society, and obligated to turn over a third of my income TO that society to help pay for those ills.

Pay up or shut up.

Pygfuckermalion

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 23:00:18 -0500

Election 2008, 3 October 2008

Memo to Palinmaniacs: GET OVER YOURSELVES.

I hate even having to say this. I mean, making fun of stupid people is my stock in trade, right? So I should be happy to watch the country pile on a moron creationist book-banning VP candidate for being stupid. Hell, making fun of Palin has been so good to me I don't even mind all the other Sarah Palin Bingo imitators out there, even if none of them had the balls to use the letters in her name. Good luck finding a use for that domain name in six weeks, though. Really. All the best.

And I am happy. Sort of. Up to a point. As I write this, hours before the debate, I'm hoping for a train wreck that makes the Couric interview look like a Kasparov match. I'm not -expecting- it, since with 90 second responses and 120 second rebuttals, she'll get saved by the clock before she has to think on her feet. But I'm hoping.

At the same time, I feel the need for caution. Not caution in mocking Palin. She's earned every shot she's gotten and then some. But caution about the vague sense I have that people think the hockey mom's epic fail is some kind of watershed moment in America's battle with stupidity.

The problem is, she makes it too easy. She's dumber than Dubya, which is an impressive feat. But as dumb as Dubya was, the fucker always had an answer. Maybe not a great answer. Maybe not a parse-able answer. But he had an answer. And 99 times out of 100, that answer was good enough to maintain the conservative delusions about him for eight years.

Sarah Palin could barely maintain the conservative delusions about her for eight days. Her handlers are so desperate they're trying to pre-blame the moderator's unpublished book that includes a section on Obama. Like it's Gwen Ifill's fault Palin's a microcephalic moosefucker. Everywhere she goes, from a chair in Charlie Gibson's studio to a sandwich shop in Philly, it's like the rest of the world has put on a giant "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt. Noticing this is not a prerequisite for MENSA, as evidenced by the fact that even National Review writers are managing it.

People realized Dan Quayle was stupid too. But they never made the logical leap that other stupid, incompetent people were out there along with him, and they shouldn't be in charge of shit either. Instead, we crucified Gore for being smart and Kerry for being nuanced. Eight years after bashing Quayle for his superfluous "e", the same people turned around and saddled us all with a superfluous "W".

It's the same with Palin. If she's really the sign that America is sick of intellectually challenged, faith-crazy assholes who revel in their Average Joe ignorance, then it won't be long before Glenn Beck gets cancelled, James Inhofe gets voted out of office, and Comedy Central stops running "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector".

But even if, as you're reading this, the news is falling all over itself to show footage of Palin calling Lithuania the central front of the war on cellulite, don't hold your breath waiting for the new Age Of Reason to dawn. Just hope it's enough to get us through November.

Preventing Door/Ass Intersection

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 22:26:28 -0500

Republicans, 19 September 2008

Memo to The Lady Lynn Forrester De Rothschild: YOU ARE DUMB.

Depending on your habits, personal outlook, hobbies, and where you are in your personal life journey, you may have had a fairly sharp reaction to my opening salvo. For example, if you have fond but distant childhood memories of watching the Land of Make-Believe on Mr. Rogers as a child, you may be thinking I'm a bastard. If you spend your spare time writing Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves fanfic, you may be wondering how I managed to get into your My Documents folder.

And if you're a high-profile defector from the Democratic Party throwing your support behind John McCain, you're much too busy in your new role as the living, breathing anthropomorphic incarnation of right-wing reality-denying double-standard hypocritical fuckery to read my little column. Which is a shame, because I wanted to wish you well on your new career as a Republican shill. About the only question I can think to ask is why it took so long?

The Lady Lynn Forrester De Rothschild is not, as far as I know, one of the villains in Caddyshack. I cannot say with confidence that she was not a villain in any of the Caddyshack sequels, whether theatrically released or direct-to-video, but I think it's unlikely. She could be, though. She's 54 years old, and was already obscenely rich ten years ago, having made around $100 million dollars in the telecom industry before meeting and marrying the now 77-year-old Sir Evelyn Rothschild after they were introduced at - and I must insert the obligatory promise that I shit you not here - the Bilderberg conference by Henry Fucking Kissinger.

I'm not saying that all rich people are unrepentant dickweeds. Warren Buffett's OK, the Google guys are cool, and even Bill Gates is a repentant dickweed. But there is something about a multimillionaire who weds a British banking scion nearly a quarter century her senior, whom she met at an event infamous in conspiracy circles for its secret control of global events, as a match made by one of the world's biggest unprosecuted war criminals. Something that reeks of evil.

But this epic pile of upwardly-mobile stereotype claims to have been a lifelong Democrat and Hillary supporter, and so when she came out in support of Gramps McIHATESPAIN, it was big news. But why would she do it? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I believe that Barack Obama, with MoveOn.org and Nancy Pelosi and Howard Dean, has taken the Democratic Party _ and they will continue to _ too far to the left. I'm not comfortable there."

I can only imagine the list of places Lady Lynn Forrester de Rothschild is uncomfortable. Taco Bell, I'd bet. Sam's Club. Commercial aircraft. But Pelosi and Obama as crazed radical far-lefties? MoveOn.org, the group founded to help her bestest friend Hillary Clinton? There must be something else to it. Let's check in with an editorial she wrote for the People's Socialist Newspaper of Record on September 11.

"If Barack Obama loses the presidential election, it may well be the result of a public perception that he is detached and elitist -- a politician whose expressions of empathy for hard-working Americans stem more from abstract solidarity than a real connection to the lives of millions of citizens." - Lady de Rothschild, in the Wall Street Journal."

But wait, you think. Lady de Rothschild's crazy money, incredible lifestyle, and the very strong likelihood that she penned those words on a Swarovki Crystal-studded laptop on her private jet flying from her London home to her New York home seems to sit in direct contradiction to her criticism of Barack Obama (who has never, ever been invited to join the Bilderberg Group) as an elitist. But you would be wrong. Lade Lynn Forrester de Rothschild, whose husband is British and named Evelyn, has it covered.

"While Obama supporters attempt to dismiss the charges about their candidate's perceived hauteur, they confuse privilege and elitism. Elitism is a state of mind, a view of the world that cannot be measured simply by one's net worth, position or number of houses."

Well, that is seriously fucking convenient. Hell, under that definition, -I- could be an elitist. OK, bad example. But still, you've got to marvel, jaw agape, at the platinum balls it must take to gerrymander a definition of elitism that lets de Rothschild off the hook while skewering Obama. The rest of her editorial is McCain supporter boilerplate - Obama's "Greek columns" at the convention, Sarah Palin's working mother street cred, oh, and let's not forget that John McCain was a POW, so he can have as many houses as he wants.

Well, Lady Lynn Forrester de Rothschild, go fuck yourself. Is that "common people" enough for you? You claim you're not switching parties, but please do. You've been a Republican for a long time, and you might as well run with it, because I don't think we're gonna let you hang out in our clubhouse when you're not hobnobbing with Kissinger. Oh, you may SAY you're pro-choice, but it sure is easy to support Sarah Palin and lie to yourself that she's a centrist when you're menopausal and the only thing that comes out of your husband's dick is a small cloud of stale Earl Grey powder.

I'd tell you not to let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, but I'm assuming you've got people for that.

Why Republicans Suck: Part Two

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 22:39:01 -0500

Republicans, 4 September 2008

Memo to Republicans: YOU ARE DUMB.

And you suck. You suck so much you keep distracting me from talking about how much you suck because you keep finding new and fascinating ways of sucking. But dammit, it's the final day of the RNC, and I'll be damned if I let you slink out of town without a few more rhetorical arrows aimed at your prodigious and pasty asses.

Again, I must insist, this is not about policy differences. Yeah, policy differences are important, but if that's all there were, politics as we know it would cease to exist, possibly bringing about Utopia in our lifetimes. This is about tactics. This is about the rules of argument, the level of discourse, and the willingness to bend and break same until someone calls them on it, and usually afterwards.

On Tuesday we discussed the spite issue, but spite alone isn't particularly efficient on its own. Spite needs a lubricant, or perhaps an enzyme, that lets the spite keep working week after month after year. That enzyme is the almighty double standard, sometimes known by the more derogatory name "hypocrisy".

Stop right there. I know your train of thought. Of course Democrats are hypocrites. Especially Democratic politicians. They're hypocrites a lot. That's not what I'm talking about. Democratic hypocrisy is almost entirely minor-league, individual, and a product of the environment, and more importantly, they have the common decency to at least ACT chagrined when they're called out on it.

But for Republicans, the double-standard is an art form. Institutionalized, internalized, deliberate, brazen, and celebrated. Why? Because they know it works, and they know they won't get in any serious trouble for it. Political benefits without political consequences? Of COURSE they'll keep the most ludicrous hypocrisies in their toolbox. Get a load of this from Lindsey Graham over the weekend. It is, inevitably, about Sarah Palin, but his defense of Palin turns into a criticism of Obama that shows the mighty double-standard in action. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"When you look at her resume as Governor, versus his resume as Senator, he's been gone more than he's been here."

A damning criticism indeed. Sure, Obama's been a senator for more than twice as long as Palin's been a governor, but if he's been spending all his time campaigning for President instead of voting on Senate bills, then that seriously discredits his claims of experience. It's a powerful argument, and it becomes even MORE powerful when you don't actually look at the numbers for both Senators running for President this year:

Barack Obama: Present for 54.5% of votes in the 110th Congress (2007-now).
John McCain: Present for 36.2% of votes in the 110th Congress.

Graham gets a two-fer! First, he's wrong - going by votes, Obama has been there just slightly longer than he's been gone. But if skipping out on votes in favor of campaigning is such a bad thing, why isn't Lindsey Graham even more upset with John "One In Three" McCain? Because that would be a single-standard, and Graham doesn't roll like that. And if you try to tell him he SHOULD roll like that, well, he'll laugh in your fucking face, then go back to the secret Republican clubhouse, tell them what you said, and they'll all laugh at you too.

Why? Because George Stephanopolous, host of ABC's This Week on which Graham was appearing, didn't stop him and tell him he was being a hypocrite. And the next time Lindsey Graham wants to appear on This Week, Lindsey Graham will appear on This Week. His constituents won't know and won't care that he was full of shit. Stephanopolous won't care that he's full of shit. There is no incentive for Lindsey Graham to lower his total shit level.

This plays out CONSTANTLY. I could devote the entire column, every day, to pointing out the contradictions, double-standards, and hypocrisy spewed forth from talk radio all the way up to the White House, but what's the point? They know they're doing it. We know they're doing it. And without a huge shift in the rules of play, they'll keep finding new and more egregious ways of doing it. Because they suck.

And Palin Was Her Name-O

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 19:26:39 -0500

Republicans, 3 September 2008

By semipopular semidemand, Sarah Palin Bingo is now a stylish T-Shirt design. Felt counters not included.

Welcome, Crooks and Liars readers, to my tiny corner of the Internet. Feel free to explore the rest of the site and archives. I cannot guarantee that my comedy polemics will arrive in easy-to-digest BINGO form all the time, but I hope you like it anyway.

Memo to my readers: I AM HERE FOR YOU.

We interrupt our regular coverage of the Republican National Convention with this important public service. Have you been having a difficult time keeping track of the myriad problems, controversies, and character flaws exposed when John McCain nominated Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his vice-president? Well, when life hands you stupid lemons, make stupid lemonade. Turn your confusion into a fun party game with SARAH PALIN BINGO.

Offered exclusively from your friends at You Are Dumb Dot Net, SARAH PALIN BINGO lets you play along with your favorite cable news broadcast. Just get some tokens, watch the reporting, and mark off every scandal or horrifying policy position that gets mentioned! Get five in a row and you win! Plus, as a special bonus, since she's his "soul mate", John McCain is giving you the center square just for playing.

If you'd like to print out the gameboard, feel free to click on it for a PDF version. Amuse your friends and annoy your enemies with SARAH PALIN BINGO.

NOTE: One game of SARAH PALIN BINGO should take one hour on MSNBC, three hours on CNN, and up to a month or more on FOX News.

Due to the ever-increasing flood of information regarding Sarah Palin's fuckwittery, this edition of Sarah Palin Bingo is only current as of 12:00 p.m., Tuesday, September 2. Additional scandals, such as claiming to have visited Ireland when her plane only stopped there to refuel, may be addressed in the future.

Why Republicans Suck: RNC Edition

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 08:09:11 -0500

Republicans, 2 September 2008

Memo to Republicans: YOU SUCK.

It's Day One and a Half of the Republican National Convention, which I'm assuming it will be kicking into gear now that Gustav is slowing down and the attendant posturing becomes less and less necessary. So it's time to talk about why Republicans suck.

And when I say that Republicans suck, I don't mean that I disagree with their policies. I do disagree with their policies, largely on the grounds of them being stupid and wrong, but that's an entirely separate issue from their sucky, sucky suckiness. Sure, it would be easy to point out how, say, Sarah Palin's support for abstinence-only education has backfired spectacularly into the womb of her 17-year-old unmarried daughter, but that's not my goal here. I'm talking about specific aspects of the GOP's tactics that, to put it as plainly as I possibly can, suck a donkey's wide-stanced ball-sack.

Case in point: Republican politics is driven almost entirely by spite. You would think, this week, there would be masses of fat white men in suits with horrifying scars in the middle of their faces. Republicans are willing to oppose things just because Democrats support them, and oppose them proportionately to the level of public support Democrats get for them. Look what happened after "An Inconvenient Truth" came out. The more attention Al Gore got, the mor rabid and hysterical the right-wing noise machine became.

And they are willing to take it to levels of self-parody that would kill an ordinary human. If you watched The Colbert Report, you saw Stephen Colbert try to run his microwave oven all week long in order to counter the DNC's attempt to have a "green" convention and minimize its carbon footprint. Funny stuff, yes. Parody, no. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"What can you to help? Take part in our carbon ONset program. We are asking you to make just a few small sacrifices to completely wipe out any potential energy savings the Democrats claim credit for... Use more energy for mother nature. Do it for the earth (or more accurately, the people living on it... Now, how many, how many extra miles can you pledge? Can you drive five extra miles a day? Can you take the long way home, the long way to work? Can you just warm up your car? I know it’s August. Can you cool down your car? Can you get up like you do in the winter and just start your car?" - Glenn Beck, on his radio show.

That's spite. Pure, unbridled spite. It doesn't even make any sense. If the Democrats have a green convention, that doesn't affect Glenn Beck at all. He's not going. None of his listeners are going. If the Democrats save some energy, then they save some energy. Whee. But since the Democrats are doing it, Republicans have to do the opposite.

And apparently, the opposite of saving energy is WASTING energy. Not just using more energy. Not burning dinosaur drippings to produce something of even momentary use. Not to make art, or build something. Just waste it idling your car or doing loops around the block in your SUV. It's not a statement of policy like he tries to pretend it is. If he was interested, as the right so often claims, that people will suffer because of energy conservation, then counter the Democratic energy savings by actually alleviating some fucking suffering.

Spite, on the other hand, requires nothing more than spite. As one wise man put it, what Beck's engaging in is the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes. If the Democrats had been smart, they'd have announced that, thanks to a new pilot program, the Democratic National Convention would be 100% free of people committing ritual suicide with melon ballers. Then Glenn Beck could go on his radio show and start the kind of counter-programming I can really get behind. Melon ballers for EVERYBODY!

Individually Packaged For Fierceness

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:15:44 -0500

Politics, 29 July 2008

What's smaller than a monkey and three times as spastic? That's right, Micro-Memos, where I adopt the pithy bullet point format like your worst Powerpoint nightmare and fire a shotgun's worth of fuckshot in the general direction of my many and varied irritants. It's like Larry King's old USA Today columns, only with more swearing and fewer suspender-wedgies.

You know what? An old asshole with a brain tumor isn't as sad as, say, a young, artistic genius with a brain tumor. Or even a middle-aged person who's never done anything particularly important, but was never actively mean to people, with a brain tumor. But we all have to pretend it's just as bad, lest we seem insensitive.

If John McCain really does pick Tim Pawlenty as his running mate, it's one more data point toward my secret theory. That the McCain campaign's goal isn't to take the White House, it's just to see how much it can irritate me before November. I know, it sounds far-fetched, but I'm just following the evidence here.

Monica Goodling is a horrible human being, and the fact that we haven't spent the last year talking about how horrible a human being she is makes for an indictment of our entire system. Denying promotions to a lesbian? Taking an experienced anti-terrorism prosecutor off a case because his wife's a Democrat? Watch the news for an hour tonight and count how many less consequential things you hear. Have a calculator handy.

The Minneapolis Star-Tribune website recently added reader comment threads to its online letters to the editor section. If I didn't love free porn and Glenn Greenwald so damn much, I'd suggest that it's now time to pack the Internet in a cardboard box and put it up in the attic. Seriously. Why even bother hiring reporters if all you're going to do is run a website where people argue about politics 24/7? Why not just eliminate the middleman and buy Usenet?

In Britain, some idiot fundies got upset because a Barbie with a leather jacket and fishnet stockings was being sold. Turns out it was Barbie as the DC Superhero "Black Canary". Which makes the fundies ignorant of comic books, the changes in social mores of the past 30 years, and roughly 30 percent of the Barbie dolls out there. When they say America leads the world by example, I don't think this is what they meant.

Similarly, in a Chicago suburb, in an attempt to stamp out the youth culture, has passed an ordinance that would fine anyone $25 for showing three inches of underwear in public. If any Chicago youths feel the need to engage in civil disobedience, allow me to suggest this - boys, get yourself some sort of tight underwear - some form of banana hammock, sausage sling, or plum smuggler. Then wear your boxers over that, and then the baggy pants over the boxers, making sure to show at least 3.5 inches. At that point, your boxers cease being underwear and become "middlewear", and you should provide an entertaining test case for our nation's court system.

And while I'm on the subject of hip-hop, when black teens beat someone up, it's the fault of the degenerate hip-hop gangsta rap music. When an out-of-work redneck fuck shoots up a church because he hates gays and liberals, nobody will ever wonder about what he listened to on the radio. Funny, that.