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Dumbass Of The Year 2013

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Memo to 2013: YOU WERE DUMB.

This is it! The last day of 2013! Even if I wanted to somehow drag out the Dumbass Of The Year recap and finale for another day, I couldn't There simply isn't another day to do it in. How's that for motivation? Let's get to it. Four more months. But first, a quick recap of the previous nominees:

American gun nuts, homophobic madwoman Jennifer Roback Morse, the Reader-murderers at Google, gender-based bathroom defender John Kavanagh, Tennessee hater of poor children Stacey Campfield, intentional accidental racist and human butter sculpture Paula Deen, Food Stamp Challenge failure Donny Ferguson, and Australian bugfuck wannabe Stephanie Banister.

SEPTEMBER::

September brought us further fallout, if you will, from the Fukushima nuclear disaster. me being thankfully wrong about freedombombing Syria, Ted Cruz' fake filibuster, Google's plans to make us all immortal, and NRA president Jim Porter.

But there's no way the nomination won't go to failed New Jersey Senate =candidate Steve Lonegan, who engaged in the clumsiest gay-baiting of Cory Booker, who's probably not even gay, I've ever seen from a wingnut. He then took the second worst political stance of the year behind the kitten-killing New York mayoral candidate, when he came out strongly against sympathizing with struggling single mothers. Total dickbag.

OCTOBER:

October began with literal buttwipes, and ended with figurative buttwipes in blackface Halloween costumes. In between, we had the failed trucker protest of Barack Obama, horrible Internet comments, the Creation Museum's new dinosaur, the problems on healthcare.gov, and that crazy racist who said crazy racist stuff on The Daily Show and got his crazy ass fired.

October was also Government Shutdown month. Why was there a government shutdown? Only one man correctly said why there was a government shutdown, and his own accidental honesty was lost on him. The winner of October and the secondary Quote Of The Year award, Indiana congressman Martin Stutzman. ACTUAL QUOTE OF THE YEAR TIME!

"We're not going to be disrespected, We have to get something out of this. And I don't know what that even is."

NOVEMBER:

November was when we all pretended to give a shit that a tiny number of people who liked their shitty-ass health care plans couldn't keep them, even though President Obama said they could. It was also when Rand Paul pretended he invented Wikipedia (hey, it's as true as Al Gore saying he invented the Internet), 60 Minutes' Benghazi story fell apart, Richard Cohen was awful again, the cancellation of Totally Biased, the Redskins controversy, the nuking of the filibuster, the arrest of that white supremacist, and, of course, Rob Ford.

But Guy Fieri got in a fight with his hairdresser in November, and not only is that completely fucking hilarious, it gives me yet another opportunity to shit on Guy Fieri from a great height. So Guy Fieri is the official Dumbass of November, and frankly, that's an infinitely more appropriate title than Mayor of Flavortown.

DECEMBER AND THE DUMBASS OF THE YEAR:

Phil Robertson is a very, very fortunate man. Not only did his "suspension" end before his actual filming hiatus did, because A&E's accountants realized that those damn Shintos and homos weren't buying Duck Dynasty branded camo hats and fake beards anyway, but he even misses out on being the Official Dumbass of December.

Because I can't make someone the Dumbass Of The Year if they weren't the Dumbass Of The Month, and December is when John Stossel tried to demonstrate that poor people have it easy by pretending to be a poor person and pretending to have it easy. For an hour. On Fox. Posing as a homeless person, and then bragging about his mathematically-extrapolated $23,000 annual tax-free "salary".

And again, 2013 was the year of the War On The Poor, and Stossel's stunt was the single most egregious enemy action in that war all year long. And it doesn't hurt that, as Fox News' resident super-extreme libertarian, Stossel's one of the worst fucking human beings on the planet, in this or any other year. He takes the prize, and if nothing else, at least he can be happy that he earned it with the sweat of his brow. It wasn't just handed to him. Well, OK, it was also handed to him. By me. But I think he earned it.

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