You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Spastic Topic Monkey Friday
Memo to anthropomorphic turtles, new freedombombs, and Steve Baldwin: A HEARTY MEH TO YOU ALL.
Things! Things we are told we should care about! But in reality, the existence or nonexistence of these things is fairly irrelevant in the long term. Much like a very sketchy intro attempting to tie together the three topics of SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, first two words small, second two words large, premieres today. It's taken me two-and-a-half decades to admit it, but you know what? I don't give a shit about the Ninja Turtles.
Oh, I've tried. I was old enough back in the day to enjoy the post-success collections of the original comics, and every few years, a revival's come along to try to make me care. Animatronic live-action movies, video games, rebooted TV series, CGI movies, and now a Michael-Bayified but reportedly mythos-faithful slick soulless reboot. Don't care. My inner nerd wants to, or at least feels like it should, but whatever nugget of good remains in the concept is never going to see daylight again.
Someone's freedombombing Iraq. We say it's not us, but it might be us and if it's not us, it's one of our friends and in a few days it'll probably be us too. We're also freedomhelping a smallish group of 40,000 religious minorities trapped in the mountains of Iraq, dropping things that people can use that don't explode.
Generally speaking, US military intervention in the Middle East is based on an anti-entropic principle - that if we just separate enough bricks from enough other bricks, and enough limbs from enough other limbs, at a high enough velocity, the result will be order. But in this case, we've got a very clear-cut case of a bunch of innocent people being abused by a bunch of shitheels. We'll see if we can help these civilians without blowing up too many civilians, but it's not easy to get worked up about the motivation, at least. Now let's hope for competence.
Steve Baldwin, not that one, is a former Republican congressman. And a resident of Deep Wingnuttia. And he has an idea. And unlike most of the ideas that come out of Deep Wingnuttia, it's one I'm not automatically opposed to. He thinks Sarah Palin should lead a new, ultraconservative third party. OK! Go for it!
I mean, sure, if it happens, it'd mean hearing more from Sarah Palin after we'd finally exiled her, Glenn-Beck-style, to a walled, subscription-only community on the Internet. But other than that, a third party to keep ultraconservatives from voting for Republicans, followed by the inevitable decline into laughingstocks and punchlines that's happened to every third party movement since we thought the Ninja Turtles were cool? I'd take that silver lining.