Spastic Topic Monkey Friday

More On Morons

« June 2014 »

Memo to Cesar Chavez, Rick Perry, and Phil Mickelson: STILL DUMB.

Update time! As nice as it would be if, when I dealt with something, it fucking stayed dealt with, the fact of the matter is, there are certain consequences to yelling about stuff with the deliberate attempt of never accomplishing anything, and one of those consequences is that shit continues on regardless of what you wrote in your column. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY: UPDATE EDITION!

Luckily, some of those things are good. Remember Cesar Chavez, the Arizona shitpile who, unable to succeed in politics on anything even remotely related to his own merits, changed his name from the admittedly unfortunate Scott Fistler to the name of the renowned labor leader Cesar Chavez in the hopes of tricking voters into voting for him?

Well, nobody will get to vote for him, legitimately or otherwise. Chavez thinks he's being targeted, being retaliated against. The judge who kicked his fake Latino ass off the ballot said it was because even by the standards of failed gimmicky Republicans, Cesar Chavez was really bad at collecting signatures. Seven hundred plus signatures from non-registered voters or from people outside his district, which put him well below the threshold to run for office. Wonder if he'll change his name again just to rid himself of the shame?

Rick Perry has an update to his whole "gay people are like alcoholics" thing from earlier this week. I think we're all supposed to think it's contrition. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

“I got asked about an issue, and instead of saying, ‘You know what, we need to be a really respectful and tolerant country, and get back to talking about, whether you’re gay or straight you need to be having a job, and those are the focuses I want to be involved with,’ instead of getting — which I did, I readily admit, I stepped right in it."

The mistake wasn't answering the question instead of deflecting it like a good on-message compassionate conservative. Wrong people need to stop fucking being wrong, and we need to stop accepting anything less from wrong people. Not feeling bad that some people might have been offended by their wrongness, not admitting that revealing their wrongness was a mistake, just stop fucking being wrong.

Golfer Phil Mickelson is apparently innocent of insider trading, which is a huge disappointment to pretty much everyone except Phil Mickelson, because that shit would have been hilarious.

The good news is, this makes him the first conservative allegedly "targeted" by Barack Obama for his conservative beliefs to actually be innocent of the thing he was accused of. You'd think, after successfully framing Cliven Bundy for being a racist and Dinesh D'Souza for being an election cheat, that they'd have done a more complete job framing Mickelson for Bleachgate, but that's the Obama dichotomy. The world's weakest, most ineffectual, most incompetent insane power-mad tyrant who will destroy anyone who crosses him.

Plus it gives the wingnuts another of their favorite kind of martyr. You know, like the Duck Dynasty guy, or George Will. People who are so incredibly persecuted that they lose between zero and very little money, fame, or public status. It's all the benefits of martyrdom without any of that pesky suffering.

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