You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Spastic Topic Monkey Friday
Memo to Unimportant Things: YOU CAN BE DUMB TODAY.
Distraction! It's a luxury for those of us privileged enough to not be directly threatened by the seeming tidal wave of injustice washing over the country. Is it wrong for me to take advantage of that luxury? Perhaps. But it's not like it's keeping me from fixing things. It's just keeping me from having to codify how cranky it makes me. No big loss. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!
One thing I have had nearly a week to process is the new Star Wars trailer, and, knowing how ridiculous the comparison is, I can't help but think that it's very difficult for me to process the Force Awakens trailer thanks to a history of mistreatment at the hands of the powers that be. Not just the prequels, either. The JJ Abrams crowd does not have a fantastic track record when it comes to not letting their nerd brains override their brain brains. Khan, anyone?
The Claymore Lightsaber troubles me. Not because of the nerd stuff Stephen Colbert covered, and not even because maybe it's a bad idea to put flesh-searing plasma blades on the part of the sword that's most likely to be pushed back against your own body. No, I'm troubled by it because it screams WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING NEW WITH LIGHTSABERS.
You don't need to do something new with lightsabers. Lightsabers are cool. Put them in the hands of interesting characters and make them have neat swordfights. Darth Maul's second blade didn't keep his movie from being shitty. As for the ball droid, I'm reserving judgment until I see the movie. Of course, I'm also reserving judgment about whether or not I'll see the movie, at least right away, which is something you'd have a hell of a time convincing teenage me of. So, gauntlet thrown, time travelers.
Next year, there's going to be a Duck Dynasty musical opening in Las Vegas, leading the rest of the nation to fervently hope that the axiom about events remaining in the geographical location of Las Vegas is more than just a marketing slogan.
It remains to be seen how a brand largely associated in our minds with rural homophobia is going to cope with a medium largely associated with urban homophilia, but cognitive dissonance has never stopped any of these fuckers before, so why would it stop them now? Also, if the musical doesn't contain at least one "wacky" moment where the only conceivable rhyme for "duck" is "fuck", but instead of saying/singing "fuck", they do that detour-to-a-completely-different-and-not-rhyming-word thing, then my status as a pop-culture Nostradamus should suffer accordingly.
While we're on the subject of trailers and reworkings of beloved franchises with less than stellar recent outings, Terminator: Genisys released a trailer that committed a far worse crime than the spelling of its title - the instilling of false hope.
Because there's no fucking way this can be good, right? Old Arnie as an Old-Ass Terminator, time-travel looping back on time travel to justify admittedly impressive recreations of the original Terminator. And the director is the Thor: The Dark World guy, and Thor: The Dark World was pretty good. And one of the writers doesn't have anything too horrible in his history.
Of course, the other writer wrote Drive Angry, Dracula 2000, adn Dracula 2000's two sequels. What's that? You didn't realize Dracula 2000 had two sequels? Neither did anyone else who didn't work on Dracula 2000's two sequels.
Nope, not buying it. The part of me that is buying it is the nerd part of me, the same nerd part that appears to be driving the filmmakers to create a fast-paced tour through everyone's favorite parts of the first two Terminator movies. But if we want that, there are two perfectly good Terminator movies we can watch without having to navigate around a bunch of shitty 3-D post-conversion showings at the local cineplex.