Spastic Topic Monkey Friday

The Kids Are Fine, The Adults, Not So Much

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Memo to the PTC, Kermit Elementary School, and Vermont Xenophobes: SORRY I DIDN'T CALL YOU DUMBASSES MONTHS AGO.

Guess who culled the starred articles in his RSS reader! I do occasionally try not to be an idiocy hoarder, so every once in a while I dig through piles of Ben Carson and Mike Huckabee quotes and discover some gems that I never got to due to time constraints or seemingly relevant priorities. But I'd hate to let them pass entirely uncommented on, so let's dig deep for SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

"Sex Box" has been airing for weeks on the We Network, and all evidence to date is that it has not, it turns out, caused society to collapse. Since you've forgotten, "Sex Box" was a show that made a brief splash when it was announced because it had sex in the name and premise. That premise being that couples with problems would go into a box where nobody could see or hear them, have sex, then come out and talk about it with Concerned Reality TV Professionals.

Nobody cares. Except the kind of people who care whenever anyone is having sex anywhere, like the Parents Television Council, who are outraged, OUTRAGED, I TELL YOU that cable channels come in packages, leading parents to purchase channels that feature shows where ostensibly packages come. In their release, they both call Sex Box a "live sex show" and admit that nobody can see or hear the people having sex, because I guess, for some people, logical contradictions aren't enough of a boner-killer.


In the latest bit of zero-tolerance madness, a handful of weeks back, a small-town Texas elementary school suspended an elementary school student for making terroristic threats against a classmate.

First and foremost, while I'm not super-familiar with the stages of childhood development, I have a pretty good idea of the rough size of the gap between what a nine-year-old thinks he can do, and what he can actually do. Even in Texas, where the NRA has enshrined the right for nine-year-olds to accidentally kill people with their dad's gun into every fiber of society.

That already large gap grows exponentially, however, when the threat is to make a classmate disappear using a toy replica of the One Ring. If the nine-year-old in question, Aiden Stewart, could in fact do what he threatened, then sending him home for a one day suspension was a wildly inadequate response. And if he couldn't, then it was a completely unnecessary response. Congratulations to Kermit, Texas, an appropriate name for a town full of pig-fuckers.


And while we're talking about children and pigfuckery, let us turn our attention to Vermont, where an eighth-grader's attempt to give the state a Latin motto unleashed a torrent of ignorance and xenophobia you can only imagine if you've been paying attention to ignorant xenophobes for any time at all over the last decade or so.

"Latin", of course, was interpreted as "Latino", which was in turn interpreted as "illegal immigrant", which was then interpreted as "non-English-speaking filthy Mexican", which was then turned into a firehose of shit sprayed all over a civic-minded student by a TV station's Facebook page, BECAUSE AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM.

Oh, and also people worried that the valuable time of state legislators would be occupied with a trivial matter. I think we've all been reading or writing this column long enough to just laugh at that concept for like ten straight minutes.

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