Spastic Topic Monkey Friday

Doin' My Best

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Memo to John McCain, NRA Enablers, and Brock Turner's Judge: YOU ARE DUMB.

Trump, Orlando, and Trumporlando. That is, for all practical intents and purposes, The News as far as this column is concerned, since the murder of a British pro-refugee politician by a possible anti-Muslim asshole is too fresh to touch. So I'll take the best stab I can at a SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY under the circumstances.

How fucking sad is John McCain? He's still bitter that his pet war in Iraq, with his noble surges, got ended by Obama because he picked a bespectacled quarterwit for a running mate and lost the election. Yesterday, he said that Orlando was totally Obama's fault because our leaving Iraq led to ISIS and ISIS led to Orlando. It's lucky for Obama that none of that is even remotely fucking true.

First, of course, is the obvious assumption that, had the Orlando shooter not pledged loyalty to ISIS, he'd have pledged loyalty to Al Qaeda, or Hamas, or whatever the terrorist group that would have risen up decided to call themselves. But more importantly, McCain and his ilk had over a decade to stabilize Iraq and couldn't get the job done no matter how many times they surged. And if Obama leaving the destabilized region (obeying Dubya's agreement with the Iraqi government) is responsible for Orlando, the destabilization itself is more responsible by a factor of a thousand. Minimum. Think on that while you spend the next few days walking back your bullshit tweet, Maverick.


Props to Connecticut's Chris Murphy for his gun control filibuster and the general Democrat protest of "moments of silence" in Congress. Don't get me wrong, it won't work. Murphy is still fighting the post-Sandy Hook gun control battle, which is the gold standard of a fundamental inability to beat the gun lobby.

But fights like this are important, even losing them. It's good to go on record as being the ones who gave a shit. It's good to announce publicly that if you had your way, things would be different. A whole lot of people think things should be different. More than enough to make things different if we were an actual democracy. Good to make it crystal clear every once in a while who the bastards are who are keeping things from being different. And hey, he got votes on a couple of gun control measures, and one of them might pass because the same people who hate any restrictions on gun purchases also love infringing on the civil rights of brown people. So maybe the watch list thing will go through.


And finally, I never did have a chance to get into the toxic mix of privilege that led to Brock Turner's disturbingly light sentence for raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. Frankly, there are plenty of people more qualified than I am to speak to it, and they all have, from the eloquent to the profane. It's a serious fucking lesson about who the justice system in America works for, and who it doesn't. Here's a hint. If you're regularly grilling big ribeye steaks for your swim team son, the system's gonna work for you. Not making ribeye-on-the-regular money? Prepare to suffer.

Oh, and while we're at it, let's stop pretending there's any question about whether or it's wrong to do sex stuff to unconscious women, and whether or not 20-year-old men in today's society have heard quite clearly that it's wrong. We all know it's wrong. And eventually, when enough people who probably did plenty of this kind of thing in their youth fall out of power and these shitheads don't have any sympathizers covering for their sorry asses, we'll start doing something about it.

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