You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Spastic Topic Monkey Friday
Memo to Cosby defenders, Paula Deen's Twitter Account, and Happy Meal complainers: YOU ARE DUMB.
You'll be as shocked as I am by this. Today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY is 100% Confederate Flag free. 100% gay marriage resistance free, and 100% presidential candidate free, including Donald Trump. We all need a palate cleanser or three, I think.
So, ten years ago, Bill Cosby admitted to getting a bunch of Quaaludes to give to women he wanted to have sex with. The court documents were sealed, but a judge released them, basically under the "Cosby's a horrible person, so fuck him" line of judicial reasoning. This has caused sane people to conclude that, yes, Cosby's totally into drug-rape, and insane people to claim this exonerates Cosby because this shows he clearly just enjoys consensual sex with drugged women.
Here's the thing. Cosby was asked, in court, if the sex was consensual. He did not respond. I guess you can do that in a civil court case. Now, if you think that means the sex was consensual, that means you're equating an uncomfortable silence with a "yes". Which explains why you thought the sex was consensual. The rest of us know better.
And speaking of celebrities who should know better, Paula Deen's Twitter feed, apparently run by a now unemployed "social media manager", put up a still from a 2011 Halloween episode of that TV show Deen used to have. It was meant to celebrate "Tranformation Tuesday", which is apparently an actual thing on social media. Don't look at me. I'm invoking Middle-Aged Man privileges on this one. Not gonna even try and get current.
Turns out the "transformation" in question was Bobby Deen, who still has a career with Food Network leveraging his mom's diabetes into a series of vaguely healthy cooking shows, "transforming" into a version of Desi Arnaz by applying so much brown makeup he ended up a bunch of shades darker than Arnaz ever was in real life. Again, this was from 2011, back when everyone just assumed the Deen family were probably racists based on their accents, so at the time, it escaped notice. But thanks to someone in the Deen camp showing a level of poor judgment consistent with "The Paula Deen Camp", the picture got the attention it should have garnered four years ago. Also, Bobby's mom was dressed as Desi's wife, so, you know. Ick.
And finally, a message to freakjob parents across America. Nobody would actually make a toy that swore at your kids. Also, your kids are on the Internet all the fucking time and fucking well know the fucking word "fuck" right now.
The latest incident involves McDonald's Happy Meal talking Minion toys. Now the Minions, which are basically Rabbids with the serial numbers and ears filed off, speak gibberish. That gibberish was then encoded at a very low bitrate, stored on a chip both the size of and cost of a dime, and stuck in a plastic shell by a Chinese factory worker probably cranky about working 18 hours a day and not even getting to make iPhones. In other words, whatever sounds you think you're hearing, they're not the sounds anyone intended, because no intent could survive that process intact. Take a deep breath. order another McRib, and shove it in your knee-jerk complain-holes.