You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Memo to Michael Patrick McPhail: THANK YOU FOR [NOT] FUCKING THAT DOG.
As we approach the last stretch of You Are Dumb Year Three, there is one thing I've learned from analyzing my web traffic. I can talk about politics for the rest of my life, but more people will still find this site searching for Kenneth Pinyan than any other search term. Every single month since he got fucked to death by that horse, a small part of him lives on in Google searches and this place.
But I'm not the only one who continues to be bad-touched by the Pinyan legacy. Michael Patrick McPhail owns his own little piece of history. Because when McPhail screwed the pooch, he really [DID NOT IN FACT BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT] screw the pooch.
In the Pre-Pinyan Era, in Washington State, sex with a pit bull wouldn't have been illegal. Oh, it would have been a very bad idea indeed. I mean, a pit bull? Even a girl pit bull? I know beggin' strips can't be choosin' strips, but that still strikes me as up there on the list of most dangerous breeds to bust a nut on.
But after the Great Pinyan Colon Outrage, bestiality became a felony in Washington State. And so McPhail is out on $20,000 bail after pleading not guilty to first-degree animal cruelty. Which is a brave plea, considering the circumstances under which he was [APPARENTLY NOT, AT LEAST ACCORDING TO A WASHINGTON JURY] caught.
You see, McPhail was [SEE ABOVE] caught by his wife. HIS WIFE. That's gotta be an awkward moment. Because first, she [WOULD] now [HAVE] know[N], to her detriment, where else that thing [WOULD HAVE] been. Icky to infinity. And second, if you have a wife, why [WOULD] you [BE] fucking a pit bull? The things that implies about the overall health of the relationship aren't flattering to any of the involved parties.
But the best part is yet to, if you'll pardon the expression, come. Because not only did his wife catch him in sixty-canine, she had the presence of mind to pull out her camera phone and GET PICTURES OF IT. [PICTURES THAT WERE NOT, APPARENTLY, CONVINCING TO A JURY OF WASHINGTON STATE CITIZENS. PERHAPS SHE NEEDED MORE MEGAPIXELS]. Suddenly, I'm thinking that putting cameras in phones isn't so bad an idea.
So that's the sad sad tale of Michael McPhail, who wagged the dog's tail and got himself nailed for [NOT] getting himself nailed. And I'm so happy he did [GET ARRESTED THAT IS], because every day some inbred Washington State son of a bitch [GETS ARRESTED FOR DIPPING] his Snausage is one day I get a brief, blessed respite from talking about politics.