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Endangered Specious

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First, before we begin, it's time for the annual warning. Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. That's the day where the 0.5% of stuff on the Internet that isn't already a lie BECOMES A LIE. Believe nothing. Forward nothing. If you're not prepared to ramp your skepticism up to full, do us all a favor and just unplug your fucking modem for the day. Read a book, watch a movie, whatever. You'll be better off for it, and more importantly, I'll be better off for it.

Now. Memo to Christians: SORRY ABOUT THE WAR.

My bad. I didn't think you'd take it so personally. But I've seen the error of my ways, thanks to two huge groups of Christians who turned out in droves last week and proved to me just how weak and helpless they are.

First, in what sounds like the setup to a really good joke, 20,000 Christian teens walked into San Francisco. It was "Battle Cry For A Generation", a two-day rally intended to fight back against the decadent, sinful popular culture.

Twenty thousand fresh-faced, glowing Christian teens, brought to the epicenter of free love, gay marriage, and 60's hippiedom. Spending the entire day getting worked into a frenzy by charismatic leaders over P.A. systems, and then staying overnight.

I'm guessing it's not so much "Battle Cry For A Generation" as it is "Unintentional Spawning Ground For The Next Generation". On the other hand, they all crowded into AT&T Park to listen to Christian rock and rap, which, as we all know, is pure musical saltpeter. The last time I saw an ad for a Christian rock compilation album, it took my penis a week to work its way back out of my abdominal cavity.

And speaking of dicks, on the other side of the country, in Washington DC, the grownups were holding the "War On Christians" conference, designed to highlight and demonstrate how Christians are under seige by a huge secular movement that seeks to ban their Bibles, chuck their crosses, smash their seraphim, and piss on their psalms.

And, just like Justice Sunday, and Justice Sunday II: The Reckoning before it, they demostrated this with an all-star lineup of some of the nation's most powerful politicians and media personalities. Tom DeLay! John Cornyn! Sam Brownback! Phyllis Schlafly! Alan Keyes! Rick Scarborough! Gary Bauer! Rod Parsley!

OK, I admit, I have no idea who the fuck Rod Parsley is, but the Washington Post said he was there, and "Rod Parsley" is a funny, funny name. Rod Parsley. Say it soft and it sounds like... Rod Parsley, actually. There's no way you can say a name like Rod Parsley and not have it sound like Rod Parsley. Did I mention his name was Rod Parsley? Because some poor Google searcher looking for Rod Parsley is gonna be pretty pissed off when he finds this.

Anyway, it was two days of the same bullshit - wah wah everybody hates us sob other religions sob separation of church and state weep how come I don't get to set fire to the homos? But that doesn't mean there weren't a few choice statements on display. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We are after all a society that abides abortion on demand, that has killed millions of innocent children, that degrades the institution of marriage and often treats Christianity like some second-rate superstition. Seen from this perspective, of course there is a war on Christianity." - Tom DeLay

That is patently unfair. I'm a rabid secular leftist of the highest order, and even I'll admit that Christianity is a first-rate superstition. It's Scientology that's second-rate.

"What do these two Christians have in common? Perhaps we are persecuted. Perhaps we are no different than most Christians throughout history." - Navy Lt. Gordon James Klingenschmitt, who got yelled at for delivering a sectarian prayer at a Navy funeral, comparing himself to Abdur Rahman, the Afghani Christian who was going to get killed by the lovely democratic government of freedom we installed over there.

On a similar note, I stubbed my toe last night, so I want you all to understand that I'm as noble as Christopher Reeve. What the fuck? Next Klingenschmitt* will claim that because he showered with other men in the Navy, he qualifies as a Holocaust survivor.

If the war on Christians continues at this pace, Christianity as we know it will be extinct in ten to 20 years. Ten to twenty years after our sun goes nova, that is.

*Klingenschmitt, by the way, owes a huge fucking fruit basket to Rod Parsley for ensuring Klingenshmitt didn't have the goofiest name at the conference.

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