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It's A Word, It's A Plan

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Memo to Kearny, NJ: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's an easy target day, folks. So much so that I'm taking yesterday's target, a guy named Kearns, who in an entirely separate note proved me right almost instantly by admitting defeat in the Great Satanic Wreath Fining hours after my column appeared, and changing it Letter-Man style to Kearny, a town in New Jersey that coddles creationists.

Because no easy target day would be complete without creationists.

OK, one creationist. But he's a teacher! A history teacher, which is better than a science teacher, but much worse than a gym teacher. The teacher? David Paszkiewicz. Who I'm glad lives in Kearny, because getting from Kearns to Paszkiewicz would require a metric assload of extra animated Gene Wilders.

Anyway, we know Paszkiewicz is a creationist because he said so. To his students. During class. Which is pretty bad, but not as bad as what he told his non-Christian students. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"You belong in hell."

How we know this is actually a great story - after hearing a few of his teacher's Jesusy rants, student Matthew LaClair decided to complain. But, thinking that Paszkiewicz would just deny the charges, he secretly recorded the teacher. Then he complained. Then Paszkiewicz denied the charges, then LaClair pulled two CDs out of his backpack. Thereby proving that creationists are dumber than teenagers.

I think we can all enjoy this story on a purely visceral level, but it gets better, because of course the school has to cover its ass. And as we all know, the crime may be funny, but the cover-up is where the REAL comedy shows up.

First, the punishment. The school claims they have taken "corrective action". And since Paszkiewicz is still teaching his class and getting paid, I can only assume said action consisted of an order to, and I am admittedly paraphrasing here, "stick to the dates of the wars, Bibleman."

And second, they tried, as organizations always do, to minimize the incident. ACTUAL ASS-COVERING TIME!

"'I think he (Paszkiewicz) was trying to have a high-level discussion with his students,' Mooney added. 'Right now he has to be very careful. But I also don't want in the long run for him to throttle down the level of discussion based on this issue.' Mooney said Paszkiewicz made his comments in the context of discussions about the effect religion had on the shaping of America." The Jersey Journal, quoting superintendent Robert Mooney.

This statement seems to imply that there exists, on this planet, a context in which a public school teacher telling his non-Christian students they belong in Hell is appropriate. I can't imagine what such a context would be. Oh, believe me, I tried listening to a 40-minute segment of the classroom audio posted online, but there's only so much barely-comprehensible compressed audio from a pocket recorder I can take in the pursuit of fairness towards anti-evolution history teachers.

And anyway, if Paszkiewicz thought what he was doing was, if you'll excuse the term, kosher, he wouldn't have gotten caught lying about it to his boss. And he wouldn't have compounded the lie with one of the all-time classic dick-move post-busted lines since Marion Barry's "Bitch set me up!" ACTUAL DICK MOVE TIME!

"Maybe you're an atheist. You caught the big Christian fish." - Paszkiewicz, to LaClair after being confronted with the CDs. Nice try, Mr. P, but it takes more than a chrome bumper medallion to make the fishing analogy work. Fishing requires bait, and, contrary to millions of years of evolutionary teaching, you jumped right into the boat.

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