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Memo to Justin Zatkoff and Truth Caucus: YOU ARE DUMB.

We're bordering on Stupid Young Republican theme series here. First "Catch An Illegal Immigrant Day", then "Catch A Congressman In Your Pants Day", and now, we return to Michigan, and the actual organization of College Republicans.

Last Thursday I talked in general about lower-case-c-college Republicans, because the actual University of Michigan College Republicans were ambivalent about the stupid fucking stunt their brethren in the Young Americans for Freedom were trying to pull. But now we turn to Capital-C-College Republican Justin Zatkoff, who got his ass kicked outside a party.

Now, regardless of political affiliation, I cannot exult in the beating of another human being, leaving a giant swollen black eye. At least not without previous documentation that the guy was a dick. But after he got punched out like Glass Joe, the College Republican website "Truth Caucus" went a little bit... apeshit on the speculation meter. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The Oakland University junior from Bloomfield Hills, Mich. was rumored to be targeted by militant leftist groups." - In Michigan? Really? Militant leftists? I hope the police didn't spend too much time questioning all three of those.

"A source close to Zatkoff reports: 'Justin may have been 1. randomly attacked (but not robbed??), 2. attacked by BAMN (well known for violence and strong in Ann Arbor), or 3. attacked by a homosexual rights group (Justin received an ‘odd/threatening’ email from a gay rights group about a day before the attack.)'"

Let's take the last one first. If you have to say "odd/threatening", then it wasn't threatening, you're just reading into it and stretching. Otherwise, you'd just say it was threatening. BAMN, on the other hand, is an affirmative action and immigrants rights group whose initials stand for "By Any Means Necessary". Nothing on BAMN's website specifically disavows punching college students, so we'll pretend that they are in fact well known for violence, even though the most Google turned up were far-right blogs bleating about scuffles.

It got to the point where activists were advising campus Republicans to travel in groups until after the November elections. On the one hand, it certainly seems to run counter to the usual Republican tough-guy braggadocio and frequent denouncing of "victimhood". On the other hand, it's a reasonable reaction if you are, in fact, being targeted by a horde of gay/black militants.

Of course, if your entire basis for feeling terrorized by militant leftists is that a drunk douchebag picked a fight with his buddies, got smacked down for it, and woke up the next day with no apparent recollection of what happened, then you end up looking like a bunch of FUCKING MORONS.

Not that this kind of knee-jerk reaction is limited to Republicans. It's just that the enemies' list of the average College Republican isn't nearly as imposing as, say, those of minority groups. Which would you rather run into in a dark alley, a hippie or a skinhead? Even assuming you're a College Republican and can probably find a fair amount of common ground with the skinhead?

This just proves what we've seen time and time again, especially in the last couple of weeks. Republicans shouldn't be scared of Democrats. Democrats can't do shit. They should be scared of OTHER REPUBLICANS.

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