You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Hey, you. Over there. On your knees. YOU ARE DUMB.
Ah, prayer. The cornerstone of organized religion. In some cases, it's a quiet contemplation, a meditation, perhaps a conversation with one's inner god. But more often than not, it's begging the invisible man in the sky to get you out of a jam, influence forces beyond your control, or smite your motherfucking enemies until they're all smote out.
The former is between you and your god-hobby. The latter, however, does not fucking work. Rely on it in your personal life, and you're fucked. Rely on it for matters of public policy, and we're ALL fucked. And the one time it would actually help for them to sit around and wait for a God who will never grant their wish, the smiting thing, they're all too willing to take matters into their own hands.
We start our stations of the stupid with Clara Jean Brown of Alabama. On Memorial Day, her family was at the beach. Clara was home. And there was a big thunderstorm. Being from Alabama, presumably she thought this was a sign of divine wrath, so she went to her kitchen to pray for her family's safe return. What happened next is what we in the industry call "fucking hilarious"
According to Brown, just as she said "Amen", a ball of fire ripped through the room. Or, in science terms, a huge fucking lightning bolt struck across the street and traveled down a water main through her house. And through her kitchen. Knocking her out. On her ass.
That is the kind of shit that should seriously TEST YOUR FAITH. You're praying for the safe return of your family, and God gives you a four-jillion-volt-pimp-backhand? "Amen." BOOM. But like so many others in that situation, Brown forgives her attacker and thinks she got off easy. "I'm blessed to be alive.". Yeah, Clara. This time.
But God will get a chance to electrocute Clara Jean Brown only if he keeps the Earth from drowning-slash-frying in a greenhouse haze. Which some people are apparently counting on. Evangelical leader Richard Cizik, who I could have sworn I'd mocked before, but my search bar says different, is in trouble with his fellow evangelicals for suggesting that Christian stewardship of the earth demands they take action against global warming.
Now, I'd be happier if they suggested that NOT FUCKING DROWNING demands we take action against global warming, but I'll let the end justify the means here. Unlike Cizik's fellow fundamentalists, who think he should be focused on boys kissing. Why? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"Rich is just being stupid on this issue. There may be a debate to be had but ... people can only sustain so many moral movements in their lifetime. Is God really going to let the Earth burn up?" - An unidentified lobbyist for the religious right, in the UK's Guardian.
Do you have any idea how thrilled it makes me to know that my climate future is in the hands of fuckos who think God's going to magically fix it? It's bad enough for it to be in the hands of short-sighted greedy billionaires, but this? I'm stocking up on sunscreen, that's for damn sure.
So God'll take care of all the CO2, but he can't be trusted to take out one measly sex shop. In Florida, America's strap-on, a HAZMAT team had to be called to to Cafe Risque, a sex shop in, I shit you not, Waldo, Florida. Reports that all their vibrators sported red and white horizontal stripes could not be confirmed as of the writing of this column.
The HAZMAT team had to be called out because someone pumped gallons of a mysterious caustic substance through the shop window. The shop hadn't even opened yet, and locals have been holding prayer vigils and protests for months to keep it from happening. Why? Because if God wanted you to have orgasms, he'd have wired your genitals into the pleasure center of your brain, that's why.
Under state law, the device used to dump the substance actually qualifies as a Weapon of Mass Destruction. Which is pretty fucking ridiculous, but since it will result in a much heavier book being thrown at the perpetrators than would otherwise be the case, I'll let the ends justify the means here.
It still seems like a crude and clumsy tactic for a bunch of godly sexphobes to utilize. If it were me, I'd have paid for Clara Jean Brown to come down and pray in the dildo section. That'd do the trick. "Amen." BOOM.