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The Perfect Crime... Almost

« October 2006 »

Memo to Tan Nguyen: YOU ARE DUMB.

And you would have gotten away with it too, if not for your meddling rampant stupidity. Seriously. If you were any more incompetent at your wrongdoing, you'd have to switch parties to the Democrats. Not only did you manage to completely fail to cover your tracks, but your post-scandal spin and string of contradictory denials make Bob Ney look forthright and honest.

You probably know about Tan Nguyen by now, but if you don't, he's the Orange County Republican candidate for Congress. And last week, a mysterious letter appeared in the mailboxes of 14,000 registered voters. The letter was in Spanish, on a letterhead similar to, and bearing the name of, the California Coalition for Immigration reform. Who had never heard of the letter, or the apparently fictional Sergio Ramirez who signed it.

The letter warned people that immigrants who vote in November could face deportation or jail time. Which is, in case you were wondering, not true. Immigrants who are naturalized citizens can vote, of course. A hue and cry went up! Scare tactics! Minority vote suppression! Dirty tricks!

The number of positions Nguyen has taken on the scandal since it broke are breathtaking in their audacity. Let's run them down for comedy effect:

I Didn't Do It, and I Fired Who Did: This is the first step right out of the official playbook. Blame an unidentified staffer for overstepping their bounds. Of course, unidentified staffers do overstep their bounds, but at the rate this would have to happen for it to be true every time it's used an excuses, national campaign staffs would have to be at least 30% crackhead anarchists.

I Didn't Do It, and I Re-Hired Who Did Because It Wasn't Wrong: This is fucking GENIUS. You see, the letter was OK because the word "emigrado" in the letter, translated as "immigrant", is ACTUALLY a very specific technical term used by border officials to describe non-citizens here legally with a green card. Now all they need to do is find a single Spanish-speaker or border official to back up that claim and they'll be in the clear!

But my favorite, my absolute favorite, has got to be I Had A Completely Separate And Entirely Wholesome Reason To Buy A List Of Registered Democrats With Hispanic Surnames Who Weren't Born In The United States, And Someone Misappropriated That List For This Other Heinous But Completely Legal And Aboveboard Use That My Enemies Are Trying To Turn Against Me.

Seriously. That's what happened when the guy who sold Nguyen the list PERSONALLY told the LA Times that he sold Nguyen the list PERSONALLY. A list of registered Democrats who were legal immigrants. What possible information could the Nguyen campaign wish to impart to fourteen thousand Hispanic immigrant Democrats? Oh, something very civic-minded. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It is shocking that [Nguyen's opponent] Rep. Sanchez refuses to support our troops and instead accepts the support of the Arabs."

Remember, that's the EXCUSE. That's the thing we're supposed to believe he meant to send, not the fake letterhead with the fake signature and the incorrect (but perfectly legal) information he blamed and fired a staff member for before re-hiring her.

This is the point where even Randy "Duke" Cunningham has got to be sitting in his jail cell, thinking "Dude, just give up already and check into rehab." But Nguyen will fight to the very end. ACTUAL LATEST STUBBORN STATEMENT TIME!

"If you're innocent and somebody charges you, would you give up? No, you've got to fight. Innocent people can be persecuted." - Tan Nguyen

Of course, guilty people who are charged don't give up either. They fight. They fight with every fiber of their being, right up until they can't get away with it any longer, then they plead guilty, apologize for letting down their families, and blame it on their long fight with alcoholism.

You know, as long as we're speaking hypothetically about the behavior patterns of people accused of something shady.

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