You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Memo to Idiots: GET A DICTIONARY.
Maybe if all you stupid fuckers looked up the definition of idiots, you'd gain some valuable insight into your condition. In the famous words of an alcoholic zealot, the first step is admitting you have a problem. And the recurring problem with idiots is, they SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.
"I did it with my dad. I'd sit on his lap and I drive. We're country." - Britney Spears
First, I'd like to state right up front that this quote isn't nearly as filthy as it sounds. Britney's issues with pronoun referents do not, as far as I know, signal her willing participation in incest. Really. She's actually talking about the incident wherein she was filmed driving with her own demon spawn on her lap.
Now, I don't make fun of Britney that often. You know why? Because I'm not Jay Fucking Leno, that's why. Making fun of Britney for being stupid is like making fun of fish for being wet. You can do it, but what larger purpose does it serve? Is she a white-trash, no-class, shitty mom? Fuck yes. The only thing separating her from the rest of the white trash shitty parents out there is that she has someone do her Wal-Mart shopping FOR HER.
However, "we're country" is not an excuse. It's not some magic "get out of special ed class free" card you can play to excuse being a dipshit. "We're country" could explain, maybe, getting pregnant by Kevin Federline twice, although I prefer the classic definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. But please. "We're country"? That's why rich people have assistants. To explain things like city livin' and car seat laws to dumb pop star / breeding machines.
"And really, the reaction to the suicides should be, 'Boo-freakin-hoo.' - Michelle Malkin
I respectfully disagree with Ms. Malkin. I'd go into more detail, but honestly, loving the illegal detainment of foreigners is that callous, attention-seeking, wishes-she-had-Coulter's-Amazon-ranking, media-whoring demon bitch from a dimension populated entirely of demon bitches, a dimension she ruled with an iron cameltoe before being exiled to our Earthly plane in some kind of mutual punishment agreement's area of expertise. So we'll just have to agree to disagree.
"Hey George, let me tell you something, I don't have as much money as you. I have 50,000 times the influence that you do, you punk, lying, coward, Satanist, backstabbing freak. You're the people -- people like you give Jews a bad name, Soros. It's people like you who brought about the Holocaust, Soros. I stand by those words." - Michael Savage, about lefty billionaire George Soros, who as far as I can tell was at least born Jewish.
Just as a bit of a completely unrelated aside, you know what I noticed? Amid all the talk about the Iraqi insurgency and the terrorist attacks, there's an old chestnut we don't hear much of anymore. In the run-up to the first election over there, what we'd hear time and time again is that the increase in violent attacks was actually a sign of increasing desperation by the terrorists.
The reasoning was that an election was coming soon. And that election would signal the rise of a new government, and the new government would bring the people together, and all the vicious thugs and brutal bastards who'd been ruining things for everyone would be marginalized and out of power.
As they tried to stave off their inevitable downfall, their attacks grew bolder, more violent, more deplorable. But, we were told, it was a sign of their desperation. It was a sign of their defeat. That's what they kept telling us. They don't tell us that anymore.
But it sure is a fascinating look inside the heads of complete bastards, isn't it? I thought so.