A couple of weeks ago, I thought about writing one of my usual cautionary missives about not going to see "Norbit", a fucking stupid movie. But I didn't bother, because I figured nobody would be stupid enough to go see a movie like "Norbit".
Since that was obviously a huge error in judgment on my part, I will no longer shirk my duty. And in that spirit, I present you twenty three separate reasons to NOT go see "The Number 23" this weekend.
- Director Joel Schumacher. Doody comes out of there.*
- Director JOEL SCHUMACHER. I don't need 21 other reasons where doody is involved.* But you'll get them anyway.
- Numerology is for retards.
- Especially numerology around the number 23. Two and three are the first two prime numbers. That means that every single odd number except one, and every even number past four, can be expressed as some combination of "2" and "3".
- The writer, Fernley Phillips, has no track record at all. I'm not against giving new writers a chance as such, but even assuming good writing could struggle its way to the screen in a Joel Schumacher movie, there's no reason to believe that's the case here.
- Also, his first name might lead to trademark confusion for readers of this column.
- Seriously, have you seen the trailer? The convoluted ways they pull "23" out of their butts just in three minutes is enough to curdle the milk in James Randi's cornflakes.
- Jim Carrey.
- No, this isn't some knee-jerk anti-Carrey reaction. I kind of like the guy, despite hating most of his movies. But this is a serious role, and I'm not sure if it's possible to balance the karmic load of shit that was "The Majestic".
- Also, the last time Carrey and Schumacher were supposed to work together, it was on "Phone Booth", and look how THAT turned out.
- Also, the last time Carrey and Schumacher DID work together, it was on "Batman Forever", and look how THAT turned out.
- It's a numerology movie, for fuck's sake. Numerology is for people who think The DaVinci Code is too realistic and complex.
- Rhona Mitra. I have no idea how important her role is, but the name jumped out at me, because she was the first model to go around dressed as Lara Croft. Well, the first one Eidos paid, at any rate.
- You could go see Reno 911: Miami instead. Now, if you're the type of person who needs to be dissuaded from seeing "The Number 23", you'll hate the Reno 911 movie, too, but if you're gonna hate your 90 minutes in the dark anyway, you might as well not make Joel Schumacher any richer.
- By presenting a simple and glorified view of torture, "23" gives credence to right-wing anti-terror wank fantasies.
- Actually, that last bit was about "24", which is just ONE AWAY FROM TWENTY THREE! It's so spooooooooky.
- It's a thriller being released in 2007, so you know it's gonna have a shitload of jumpcuts and scratchy-film effects. And probably some strobes. Yawn.
- There wasn't a creepy child intoning anything in the trailer, and the premise doesn't seem to support the existence of one, but you can never be sure. Best not to chance it.
- If Paul Hardcastle had made this movie, I'd be done by now.
- Twenty-three skidoo! This isn't actually a reason, just an antiquated bit of slang advice for what you should do if you should accidentally purchase a ticket to this movie.
- You know, if they haven't already, the fuckers you sit next to at work are going to be talking for days about where they've seen the number 23.
- My god, it's the 22nd reason! 2+3+2+3+2+3+2+3+2 = 22! It's a 23 palindrome! Which means numerology is just as inane backwards as it is forwards!
- Joel. Schumacher. I can't be any clearer than that.
*Adapted/stolen from Sarah Silverman, yes, I know.