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Eleven Steps To Go

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Memo to Idiots: SHUT UP.

You think I enjoy this? Do you think I really get a kick out of seeing you say stupid shit to the press and on the web day in and day out, finding your quotes and then posting them, mocking them for my three-digit audience? Well, OK. I enjoy it a little bit. But if a massive global IQ increase made this column obsolete tomorrow, I wouldn't shed a single fucking tear. But until that glorious day, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"There's really no other way to say it: Being here is weird. to be surrounded by a crowd of thousands of people, all of whom look alike, none of whom look like me, many of whom are decorated with our flag, none of whom are speaking our language, on our National Mall... it's a surreal experience. Despite my better judgment and best intentions, I feel the inklings of xenophobia bubbling up inside." - Blogger Jeff Harrell on the Washington D.C. immigration protests.

Self-realization is a bitch, Jeff. And while the first step is admitting you have a problem, the second step is not understating that problem. What you're feeling isn't the inklings of xenophobia. What you're feeling is the rustling of the white hood on the back of your red, red fucking neck.

As I've said, I'm not so much pro-illegal-immigrant as I am anti-asshole. And I know where all the assholes have lined up on this issue. Right behind Lou Dobbs. So what if the government prints forms in Spanish? That's a small price to pay for making Jeff Harrell squirm. But at least Jeff has moved past denial.

"On Saturday, another group, the Minnesota Coalition for Immigration Reduction, held a rally at the Capitol. This group consisted of legal American citizens who devoted a day to protecting our country by asking the government to enforce our immigration laws. Each one of the about 50 participants received no money, no free bus rides, lunches or any other freebees to attend. The only reason that they were there is because of a profound love for their country. - Nathan "Jimmy" Smit, Albert Lea, MN.

You know, "my strength is as the strength of ten because my heart is pure" may sound good, but it's shitty mathematics. Similarly, your 50 is not somehow more interesting than 30,000 because you drove yourself there, shithead.

And what's with the "about"? I can understand the need for police estimates for a crowd of 30,000, but if you had less than 50 people show up, you could have gotten an accurate headcount. Just shout "asshole" and see how many times you hear the word "Here!"

I do empathize with the guy, though. Fifty versus thirty-thousand has GOT to be emasculating as hell. I can understand his desperate need to save dick, and I can only hope that, in turn, he'll understand why it's so damn funny to watch.

"So I wanted people to see the truth. And I thought it made sense for people to see the truth." - Our Unitarded Executive.

Here, we see Dubya explaining to the populace why he told Cheney that Cheney could tell Libby that Libby could tell Judy Miller a bunch of stuff that they knew was bullshit about Iraq's WMD's. You know, like the aluminum tubes thing. The aluminum tubes we were told over and over again had to be for enriching uranium, when all the experts had determined they were useless for enriching uranium.

But everything they're saying now about Iran is true, I'm sure.

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