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The Kid's Table Is Cranky

« August 2015  

Memo to the bottom half of the Sucide Squad: LIVE BY THE FOX, DIE BY THE FOX.

Tonight is the first Republican presidential debate. By which I mean that this afternoon is the first GOP presidential debate that nobody cares about, and then this evening will be the second one that has Donald Trump in it. Because, well, the full Suicide Squad on one stage would just look silly, and Fox News, who's running the debates, is not officially in the business of making Republicans look silly.

So what they did, essentially, is cherry-pick five of the six most recent national polls, excluding one of them because it didn't meet their criteria (cough cough would have led to maybe Rick Perry getting in and revealed the process as completely arbitrary instead of secretly arbitrary) and put the top ten people in the prime time debate and the bottom seven candidates at the Kid's Table Debate in the afternoon.

Notably, the bottom seven includes Lindsay "Gonna Go To War With Iran" Graham, Rick "Don't Google Me" Santorum, Rick "Don't Google Me And Oops" Perry, and Bobby "Hey, I Just Have A Tan" Jindal. Less notably, the bottom three include George Pataki, who has to constantly remind people that he was a politician, Jim Gilmore, who can't even manage to do that, and Carly Fiorina, who can't possibly be surprised that she's being marginalized by the Republican establishment.

Needless to say, the seven candidates are reacting in different ways to what is essentially their inability to poll higher than Ben Fucking Carson. I know Carson wasn't the guy in tenth, that was Kasich. Carson was fourth, for fuck's sake. How did THAT happen? Carson's polling at 7%, which is three and a half times the percentage of black Republicans. That's a lot of Republicans who are somehow crazy enough to vote for Ben Carson without being simultaneously too racist to vote for Ben Carson.

The point is, to be considered for the evening debate, all you had to do was appeal to three percent of the people polled. Ben Carson did it twice over, and HE'S BEN CARSON. So if you didn't make it into the top ten, you've got nobody to blame except yourself. Which is why many of them are blaming everybody except themselves.

Carly Fiorina is blaming a lack of name recognition, which is understandable. There are a lot of names to remember, and I assume she was unsuccessful in getting the major polling organizations to refer to her as "the woman" in their polling. And you can't expect Republican voters to figure that out from the name.

Lindsay Graham is trying to make the best of it, pretending this is the debate he wanted to be in all along. Both he and Rick Perry are pretending that the daytime debate is the "serious" one, as opposed to the implied "one with Trump in it". Bobby Jindal went a little farther, claiming the Main Table Debate is about "celebrity". Which of course means Trump.

And then there's Rick Santorum. Who basically told his spokesman Matt Beynon to go out there and go nuts. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

Look back four years and you will see that Governor Perry and Congresswoman Bachmann led in the August polls but didn't win a single delegate."

Yeah! Those losers would have gotten to debate, and that's crazy! Anything else?

"The idea that they have left out the runner-up for the 2012 nomination, the former four-term governor of Texas, the governor of Louisiana, the first female Fortune 50 CEO, and the three-term Senator from South Carolina due to polling seven months before a single vote is cast is preposterous,"

Right! Rick Perry and Michelllle Bachmann were total losers! How dare you leave the closest analogues to Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry from your debate?

And of course, if Rick Santorum had managed to pinch off another percentage point's-worth of voters, I'm sure his spokesman would be just as upset about the exclusion of all those not-Santorum people plus John Kasich. He is, after all, a man of principle, right?

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