You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Memo to Robert Bentley: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
What's this? A 73-year-old Republican governor of Alabama about to be impeached by his fellow Republicans (and Democrats, but this is the Alabama legislature, so, you know, he's got two party allies for every party enemy), over a sex scandal? OK, Alabama. You've got my attention, if not my appetite.
Basically, what happened was, last month, the head of Alabama law enforcement claimed the governor fired him because he refused to cover up the governor's affair with a married aide. Then, transcripts of texts and audio recordings leaked. Bentley still claims the recordings, made two years ago and a year before his divorce from his wife of 50 years, don't prove their relatioship was physical.
And that's where I start caring. Because beyond the hypocrisy of pro-family Republicans who fuck like crazed weasels in heat, sex scandals need a little something extra to take priority over, say, the emerging "reasonable alternative" in the GOP presidential primary being the guy who wants to patrol and secure America's Muslim neighborhoods. But this is what Bentley thinks doesn't prove he was, in defiance of God and nature, bumping wrinklies with a woman 30 years his junior. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"You know what? When I stand behind you and I put my arms around you, and I put my hands on your breasts, and I put my hands on you (unintelligible) and pull you real close ... Hey, I love that too, putting my hands under you."
Before you run from the brain bleach, let's point out that from a purely grammatical and syntactical standpoint, Bentley is discussing things that have happened. That's not phone sex grammar. That's recounting a liason grammar. So his denial is already a little shaky. But wait, there's more!
"Baby, lemme tell you what we're gonna have to do tonight. Start locking the door. If we're going to do what we did the other day we're going to have to start locking the door."
First, again, just from grammar and syntax, "what we did the other day" is pretty fucking specific in terms of referring to an actual thing that happened. But all Bentley has copped to is that these were "inappropriate comments". Which is true, but clearly not the whole story.
And if you're looking for grounds for impeachment, I think that second quote says it all. Because if you're 71 (at the time) years old, cheating on your soon to be ex-wife with an aide, and the chief executive of an entire state? Even if that state is one of the shitty ones? LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR. Lock it because you don't want anyone to catch you. Lock it out of courtesy because NOBODY WANTS TO CATCH YOU. If you can't even manage that basic task, you shouldn't be in charge of any state. Even Alabama.