You Are Dumb - Religion

Activate God Power

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 21:50:21 -0500

Religion, 29 August 2008

Memo to Digital Praise: YOU ARE DUMB.

One of the things that irritates me about American fundamentalists is their eternal desire to damn their cake and have it too. Our great culture warriors rail and weep about popular culture destroying our moral foundations. The music, the movies, the TV shows, the video games. You would think, after condemning all these things, they would abandon them, but no. They can't live without pop culture.

So they make their own parallel version of pop culture - taking the ideas of clever people and holy watering them down. They take the joy out, and pack it with Jesus Styrofoam and hope nobody will notice. That seems to be the secret motto of Digital Praise, whose actual motto is "Glorifying God Through Interactive Media", and whose new product is "Guitar Praise: Solid Rock".

This highly original game for the PC and Mac is due in September, and allows you to use a plastic guitar controller with five colored buttons to play along with some of Christian music's blandest hits. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, finally there's a version of Guitar Hero you can play in the church basement in-between youth-group sodomy sessions. Do you like Rock Band, but find Fallout Boy too satanic and extreme? Well, boot up your copy of Guitar Praise and try to master the blistering solos of Paul Baloche's "All The Earth Will Sing Your Praises".

Sounds awful? Sure! But wait, there's more! They also make Dance Praise, which is just Dance Dance Revolution with even crappier music. Dance Praise has been around long enough to spawn expansion packs, so if you ever wanted to stomp on dance pad arrows to the beat of Christian rap artists, um, what the fuck are you doing reading this website? I suppose, intellectually, I had to have known there was Christian hip-hop, but emotionally, I wasn't prepared to realize it was being shoved into a crappy DDR clone.

Oh, and there's Solomon Says, a trivia game that inexplicably features support for their dance mats. You know, back in the day, when I was enjoying the snarky, entendre-filled trivia of You Don't Know Jack, I distinctly remember never ever thinking that the two things the experience was lacking were more questions about Jesus, and the ability to buzz in with my toes. But why single out Digital Praise for criticism? They're just carrying on the tradition of Christian gaming, and Christian media for that matter. The Left Behind game was just Command and Conquer with sinners. Where are the original ideas from Christian game developers?

It's not like other mythologies haven't been mined for impressive gaming experiences. Look at God Of War. It's chock full of religion, but it's actually fun. And really, what are Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Bowser if not a pantheon of supernatural beings locked in an eternal good/evil battle? Video games ARE mythology, but all these companies can come up with are cheap ripoffs skinned to look godly and sound awful. This is what happens when your entire creative team has been told since birth that one book is all they'll ever need.

Who the hell wants to fake-guitar along to Christian Rock? It's been empirically proven time and time again that Christian rock is the worst rock. We all know it. Even the Christians know it, which is why they have to set up a whole parallel distribution system so that it doesn't compete with commercial music. And why Time-Life keeps selling new Christian pop collections that have the same eight songs on them.

Let's try a little experiment. Let's take a random Christian and put him in a room with Guitar Praise and, oh, Rock Band 2. Right next to each other. Convince him that nobody is watching. It shouldn't be difficult, since he thinks biodiversity is the result of a wooden boat. He can strum along to "Savior", by the beyond-inexplicably-named band "Skillet", or he can strum along to motherfucking Ace Of motherfucking Spades by Motorhead. And I guarantee you that Jesus will be forsaken for Lemmy every single time.

Trail Of Fears

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 21:34:25 -0500

Religion, 9 June 2008

Memo to Coral Ridge Ministries: YOU ARE SCARED.

It's always nice to occasionally get a fresh insight into what the crazy people are thinking. Especially during an election year. We learned in 2004 that if you can motivate the Jesus-freaks using what they fear the most, you can get them to vote against what might otherwise be their best interests. Which is why I'm so very thankful that Coral Ridge Ministries, the empire of televangelist James Kennedy, polled its membership.

The results of one question in particular are hilariously enlightening. That question? "How dangerous are the following to the spiritual health of America?" And lo, unto the faithful of Coral Ridge a list was provided, and for each heathenistic, morally degraded item on the list, they were able to choose three options - Very, Somewhat, and Not Very. And lo, the morons did speak, and their voices were heard. And the single most dangerous thing to the spiritual health of America is...

THE ACLU (AND SIMILAR GROUPS)! Congratulations, ACLU! You've won a lifetime of undeserved bitterness and scorn from people you'll at various times be called upon to defend, even though they see you as Satan's own legal minions, marching up to schools and town halls and churches and ripping Jesus off his cross and throwing him right into the dumpster. I'm not even sure what the "and similar groups" means. I'm having a tough time thinking of any groups similar to the ACLU. The closest I can think of is the Electronic Frontier Foundation, and I don't think Coral Ridge Ministries' members can even pronounce "net neutrality", much less have an opinion on it.

But the ACLU didn't win by a blowout. Only 96% of respondents said it was Very Dangerous. Nipping at its heels, with 95%, is "Pro-Homosexual Indoctrination". Now, for those of us on the secular left, the idea of pro-homosexual indoctrination is absurd. Luckily, local columnist Katherine Kersten has been crazier than usual in the past month, and a few weeks ago alerted us all to a textbook case of pro-homosexual orientation: a school anti-bullying program that included, amongst the things you shouldn't beat kids up for, being gay. As long as bullies aren't able to commit teenaged hate crimes, I think we can all agree that the spiritual health of America is in grave danger indeed.

Winning the bronze medal in the hundred-meter fundie-threaten is the perennial favorite, abortion. In a completely coincidental aside, not in any way meant to show irony or hypocrisy on the part of the members of Coral Ridge Ministries, the Bush administration's policy of rendition and torture was not included on the list of dangers to America's spiritual health. I'm sure that was just an oversight, and if it had been on there, something close to the 93% who felt the keen danger of blastula removal would feel similarly about locking foreigners up without a trial and torturing them for years on end. Really.

Hey, look, an obvious segue into #4, "Islamic Terrorism". I don't understand this one at all. Islamic terrorism is clearly occasionally dangerous to the physical health of America. Nobody disputes that. It was on the teevee and everything. But how could it be dangerous to the spiritual health of America? I mean, I'm exactly the kind of leftist, blame-America-first heathen Coral Ridge Ministries has nightmares about, and I wasn't looking to convert to fundamentalist Islam on 9/12. It's not so much a conversion tool as it is a building removal technique. I really don't see how America's spiritual health is threatened by acts that turn people en masse against one of Christianity's main competitors.

"Darwinism/Evolution" took a distant seventh place, with only 85% of respondents judging it "Very Dangerous" Of the remaining 15 percent, one guy pointed out that the two things weren't the same at all, and the other 14.99999% beat him up, tied him to a chair, and forced him to watch Ben Stein's "Expelled" until his ears bled.

I am particularly disappointed by the ninth-place showing of atheists. When two whole percent of the Coral Ridge ministries members think atheists are Not Very Dangerous, and another sixteen percent only consider us Somewhat Dangerous, we are clearly not doing our jobs right. Maybe we should file another lawsuit to take the motto off the money, or get Dawkins to title his next book "Coral Ridge Ministries: Wronger Than The Rest, Even". Come on, folks. We barely cracked the top ten. We only polled three percent higher than "Apathetic/Uninformed Christians", for fuck's sake.

I love that, by the way. It's very telling that there are only three points of daylight between Doesn't Believe In God At All, and Doesn't Believe In God The Exact Way We At Coral Ridge Ministries Do. That says it all right there in a fucking nutshell. Maybe we can get Coral Ridge Ministries fighting with another megachurch. Like Rod Parsley's. It looks like all it would take is a simple playground whispering campaign - maybe tell them Parsley said something bad about Kennedy's momma. Then they can dig deep, find all the ways the others are apathetic and uninformed, and start trashing each others' gift shops.

Bringing up the bottom of the great fear list are "public education", which makes sense, because public education would be the most Jesusy thing that ever Jesused a Jesus if it weren't for the ACLU... and similar groups. And at the bottom is Congress, with only 63% finding them Very Dangerous. Which just proves those fuckers can't do anything right.

Looking at this survey, one thing is perfectly clear. Our quest to re-word the Pledge of Allegiance to read "One nation, under a hot naked guy, with liberty and justice for all" and donate one dollar to Planned Parenthood every time someone utters that pledge? That'll probably have to wait until AFTER the November elections. Disappointing, I know, but it's just too risky during an election year.

Well, God-lee!

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:55:47 -0500

Religion, 3 June 2008

Memo to Gomer H. Fucknuts: YOU ARE DUMB.

How long have we been fighting in Iraq? Five-plus years? Is half a decade somehow not long enough to pound certain basic strategic facts into the heads of the 150,000 service members over there? Like, oh, how bad it looks when you try to convert the locals?

The Marines aren't releasing the name or rank of the few, the proud, the utter dipshit who embellished his checkpoint duty in Fallujah with some passive-aggressive proselytizing, so I am forced to give him the nom de dumb. Gomer, after a fellow Marine, H, just like his favorite savior, and Fucknuts, for reasons that will shortly become obvious.

Fucknuts, you see, was handing out silvery coins to the Sunni Iraqis who passed through his checkpoint. On one side, in Arabic, that damn John 3:16 excerpt so common to conversion-freaks. And on the other side, also in Arabic, "Where will you spend eternity?", the answer to which in Fallujah tends to be "I don't care, as long as it's not Fallujah.

This, clearly, is some seriously short-sighted bullshit. How blinded by your faith do you have to be to decide to embody the worst fears of a country who got invaded by a man who said God speaks to him and called the war a "crusade". You're outnumbered. You're disliked. So maybe it's not the best idea to run around telling people they're damned heathens who need to find Christ. I understand you're supposed to witness. I'm supposed to breathe, but I don't insist on doing it when my head's under water.

Beyond the tactical considerations, one question the mainstream media has thus far failed to answer is where the hell you GET coins in Arabic promoting Christianity? Is there a Northwestern bookstore in the Green Zone? Who makes coins whose only possible use would be pissing off Muslims by trying to convert them? And what is so deeply wrong with these people?

It's also one of those missionary practices that I find particularly distasteful - handing out things that look like money, but are actually fake money full of evangelical propaganda. Like folded "dollar bills" that, when opened, have Bible verses on the inside. Imagine how the Iraqis must have felt, getting a silver coin from a US soldier, assuming it's part of the accountability-free billions we've been handing out over there, and then realizing it's just a token from Chuck E. Jesus.

At least the guy that used the Koran as target practice was acting out of an unreasonable hate borne from an untenable situation. I mean, it was stupid and crazy and wrong, but it's within the parameters of the kind of stupid and crazy and wrong things soldiers do. Proselytizing, on the other hand, is a more willful, deliberate act of utter stupidity. Way to keep winning those hearts and minds, Fucknuts.

Outrage... Diminishing...

Sun, 18 May 2008 12:49:50 -0500

Religion, 19 May 2008

Memo to Bastrop High School: YOU ARE... DUMB?

Goddamn Texas. I cannot believe a public high school had the balls to put up a giant mural full of religious iconography, plastered across a wall students walk by every day. When will these people learn to keep their theocratic fantasies out of the public square? I swear to fuck, this country's going crazier every single...

Oh, wait. Looking into this, it turns out the mural's been up for about five years. You'd think someone would have complained by now. I guess the whole hick pigfucking town is used to seeing their dominant philosophy sprayed across the landscape like a dog's liquid territory demarcation...

Huh, that's weird. It's actually on the outskirts of Austin. It might even be inside the edges of the protective dome I'd want to erect around Austin if it became necessary to nuke the state of Texas for chronic, incurable stupidity. Well, the point is, stupid can occur even in the midst of relative civilization, so Bastrop High School really needs to get its ode to Jesus stripped down to the bare...

Oh. the religious iconography depicted in the mural are Buddha and Shiva? Fuck. Well, I suppose, in the spirit of fairness, that a secular crusader is applying the strict separation of church and state across the board. For the past five years, Bastrop High students have been unwillingly indoctrinated into Eastern religions through the subliminal influence of the muralist. And that's really not right.

Hm. According to Buddhist and Hindu sympathizer Raul Valdez, the images were chosen by the students to represent cultural unity. Apparently, Shiva and Buddha are dancing atop a devil of ignorance. Well, even though there was no overt attempt to force Eastern Hemisphere religious iconography on Texas high school students, the use of religion as a substitute for culture shows a certain level of insensitivity that I'm sure those complaining about the mural were focusing on. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"When she showed it to me, I was like, 'Oh my gosh.' It doesn't even represent even a fingernail of the faith here in Bastrop County and what (residents) believe." - Lauren Hanzell, Bastrop resident and Christian, who saw the mural when visiting the school with her home-schooled children to lead prayers out by the flagpole each Friday.

FUCK.

OK. I'm really trying here to overcome my innate assumptions about Christian home-schoolers in Texas who get cranky when their deity isn't front and center. Let em read the article from the Austin Statesman again. I'm sure there are some details in the story that will help re-stoke the outrage and sympathy I know I'm supposed to feel toward Hanzell and her predicament.

"[Hanzell] added that the mural presents a new age idea of peace and unity that could be confusing to Christian students... Hanzell, who at first interpreted Shiva's dance as a message in favor of abortion, said laws that bar Christian symbols from public schools should apply to the mural."

Fuck it, I'm out. Can't do it. Even if it makes me a bad person, a hypocrite, whatever. I don't care. There are larger social issues at stake here, and at the end of the day, I have to go with a higher principle over a legal technicality. And that principle is that when someone looks at Shiva dancing upon a demon of ignorance, and sees it as a message supporting abortion, that you immediately stop listening to or giving credence to ANYTHING THEY SAY.

Why? Because it only encourages them. If Bastrop High School carefully parses the nuances of the law in such a way that Hanzell gets what she wants, the crazy home-schooling Texan mom is not going to walk away satisfied that she has defended the separation of church and state and struck a blow for religious equality in the public square. She's just going to think that Satan's minion on earth, Shiva, will no longer be telling impressionable teens to kill their babies. And we don't need that a lot more than we don't need a mural.

The Dare2Share Quiz

Wed, 07 May 2008 21:15:35 -0500

Religion, 8 May 2008

Memo to Dare2Share: I'D RATHER BE PLAYING BOOM BLOX.

Let's face it. This column uses up to 20 minutes a day of my free time. And sometimes, I don't feel the need to spend that time writing "penis penis poop I hate McCain scrotum" when there's something better I'd rather be doing, like throwing balls at giant piles of stuff and knocking it down. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that some days, it's easier to destroy than it is to create.

Which is where my classic "go-to's" come in. The Howard Foundation, Katherine Kersten, Michelle Malkin, and my favoritest go-to of all, Dare2Share, the youth ministry devoted to making teen Christians the most ostracized social group in high school history so that they enroll more willingly into the End Times Army. And their main tool for this is the Share Your Faith series. But in a twist, instead of my usual mockery of their ludicrous attempts to tie Jesus to pop culture, we're going to have a little quiz. I'll give you an excerpt from a Share Your Faith entry, and you try and figure out what they want you to share your faith using.

Answers are below the line. If you get them all right, then that says something about you, but I'm not willing to figure out exactly what that is. ACTUAL QUIZ TIME!

1: "Can you think of something positive and creative you could do that would be unusual and attention-getting and fun, while turning people's attention toward God? Ask your friends if there are any particular people they think of when they hear the term 'radical'? Who? Listen, then take the opportunity to share why you think of Jesus as a radical revolutionary.

A: The Coachella Music Festival
B: The Frozen Grand Central Station video
C: The X-Games

2: In its depiction of a world filled with horror and tragedy, [BLANK] wrestles with one of the core questions humans have been asking for thousands of years: How could a good God allow this to happen? Because God designed humans with freewill, the choice to love God or turn away from Him stands at the core of the human story. Choosing a path separated from God and His goodness leads down the road to sin and death - with devastating consequences woven throughout the fabric of human lives. Choosing the path of faith that Jesus laid out for us, leads down the road to a restored relationship with God.

A: I Am Legend
B: The new season of Deadliest Catch
C: The Left Behind video game

3: "[BLANK] provides a great opportunity for you to engage your unreached friends (particularly those with a bent toward science) in spiritual conversation. So consider buying your friends a ticket to see this movie and plan some God-talk time to debrief after the movie."

A: Iron Man
B: Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed
C: The Planet Earth DVDs

4: "But in an odd sort of way, realizing that things aren't always what they seem to be, is one of those truths of life that can help you keep your head on straight. Jesus actually drew a huge crowd when he taught this truth to his followers in the Sermon on the Mount, pointing out that in many dimensions of life, things aren't entirely what they seem."

A: John McCain's Presidential Campaign
B: The Pregnant Man
C: Rickrolling

1: B - The Frozen Grand Central Station video. I had no idea what it was. Some net video where a whole bunch of people flash mobbed Grand Central Station and all stopped moving at the same time. I anxiously await a bunch of Christian teens all stopping in the middle of St. Paul during the Republican convention, each with their arms outstretched... for about 45 seconds. See, kids? It's much easier with nails.

2: A - I Am Legend. According to the article, Will Smith's character "wrestles with his 'savior' roll in the movie.". This surprises me, because I was under the impression that it was only the Catholics who had savior rolls. I suppose rabid evangelicals could have hot cross buns or something.

3: B - Expelled! Of course the one they wanted to use to spark a science / faith discussion is the one with the worst science. I wish it were Iron Man, though. The "God-talk time to debrief" after that would have to be the funniest thing ever. "Do you ever feel like you have a suit of golden armor protecting you from sin?"

4: C - Rickrolling I shit you completely the fuck not. How To Share Your Faith Using Rickrolling. If you got this one right, give yourself a gold star and a rousing chorus of "Never Gonna Give You Up" played on a megachurch synthesizer. To be fair, in many ways, born-again fascists invented the prototype for the rickroll - those fake "family planning advice centers" they set up right across the street from abortion clinics. Never Gonna Give You Up, indeed.

Crap-To-Wishes Height Ratios

Sun, 04 May 2008 20:27:39 -0500

Religion, 5 May 2008

Memo to some of the people who believe in God, including Rocky Twyman: YOU ARE DUMB.

One of the great things about Tell Someone About You Are Dumb day is that it puts half a dozen columns in front of a bunch of people for the first time. And if they're not paying that much attention, they can come away from You Are Dumb with what is perhaps a simplified picture of my worldview. For example, while not naming names, on one small rest stop off of the Information Superhighway, I was accused of "discount[ing] the intelligence of people that believe in God."

Now, if by "discount" he means "reduce by five to ten percent", like at Best Buy, then that's actually pretty close to correct. But I'm pretty sure he meant the more colloquial version, which is that I think people who believe in God are stupid. And that's not true. I think people who believe in God are wrong, which is an entirely different matter. It's possible to be wrong in a way that's completely irrelevant to me, and that's the category vast swaths of the world's faithful fall into.

But it's also possible to believe in God in a way that IS relevant to me, and that is the point at which I start calling you stupid. Like Rocky Twyman. Rocky Twyman is stupid, Rocky Twyman believes in God, and Rocky Twyman may very well be stupid because he believes in God. Because if he DIDN'T believe in God, he wouldn't have organized a pray-in in San Francisco, and a church service in Oakland, to ask his God to please lower gas prices. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"God is the only one we can turn to at this point. Our leaders don't seem to be able to do anything about it. The prices keep soaring and soaring." - Rocky Twyman.

See? That's fucking stupid. On a wide variety of levels. And saying so doesn't make me a bad person just because Twyman's belief is sincere and his prayers are earnest. First of all, our leaders HAVE been able to do things. They've spent the last eight years doing things to make sure oil prices and gas prices keep soaring and soaring, because when that happens, the profits of all their friends in the oil industry keep soaring and soaring. Sure, they had help - a rapidly-industrializing world and what sure as hell looks like the beginnings of running out of oil - but the idea, as expressed by Twyman, that Bush and Cheney and the Republican and all-but-Republican Congresses have been trying, in vain, to keep gas prices low this whole time? That is some crazy stupid shit.

Oh, and it's also deeply and fundamentally un-American, by the way. When your leaders fail, you don't drop to your knees and hope Jesus hears the cry of your wallet as you fill up your Hummer H3. You pick some new fucking leaders and go Prius-shopping. Maybe the new leaders won't be able to help, but they've got better odds than God does.

What's God gonna do? Refill the oil fields? Turn the CEO of Exxon-Mobil into a socialist? Twyman, unsurprisingly, was not specific. And when pressed, acknowledged that people should carpool more, too. But he did emphasize the importance of prayer. "I've seen him work miracles in my life. We told us that all we need to do is ask and believe. He can do it, and he will do it, but we have to ask him to do it."

Maybe he already did it, dipshit. I'm no theologian, but I seem to recall something I read when extremely bored in a hotel room once. God, I'm led to believe, created the heavens and the earth. Last time I checked, those heavens happened to include a giant fucking fusion reactor that, without us even asking it to, dumps oodles of energy onto the planet every day. So maybe God wants you to get off your knees, look up, notice the fucking sun he put up there for you, and stop rolling around in a giant hunk of metal full of dead dinosaurs already.

One of the big reasons believing in God can be stupid is that people forget the "God helps those who help themselves" rule the people who made up God thought up to keep people from spending less time praying and more time building churches. If you're smart, and you believe in God, you also believe that in his infinite wisdom, he put all the answers here for you so that he wouldn't have to waste time with all that messy direct intervention*. And if they're really smart, they're hedging their bets on the off-chance that they're wrong, I'm right, and all praying for oil is going to do is hasten the day when you need to strap on your spiky shoulder pads and barrel across the desert protecting a tanker.

*Although to hear the faithful bitching about it, you'd think God would start manifesting just to put Richard Dawkins in his place.

My Latest Moral Superior

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 21:21:23 -0500

Sex, 23 April 2008

Memo to LaVerne Jordan: SURELY YOU ARE DUMB.

As an atheist, I am accustomed to certain fundamental societal assumptions. And foremost amongst those assumptions is that I, the godless, lack a moral code handed down on high from a celestial being 2,100 years ago and scrawled by relative primitives onto scrolls. And as a result, I cannot be as moral as someone who follows the teachings of the Abrahamic God, and, very often, his bastard son Beardyface.

Which is why I feel particularly compelled to point and laugh whenever these inherently moral people turn out to be perverted, classless horndogs. Especially when they're striving for at the very least the bronze medal in the two-hundred-meter ick. And extra bonus especially when they hold a position of power in the church and abuse that power. And whipped cream especially with an especially cherry on top when they're a pigfucker from Texas.

Which, in the traditional manner to which we've all become accustomed, brings us to LaVerne Jordan, whose name is French for "The Verne Jordan". Jordan runs Parkway Christian School in Houston, Texas. Parents in Houston, Texas, who want only Jesus's best education for their children, but can't be bothered to home-school, want to send their children to Parkway Christian School. Of course, quality religious education does not come free. It costs $300 bucks just to ENROLL.

Luckily, Parkway Christian School is a progressive, forward-thinking organization, and it recognizes the effects of the weakening of the dollar during the Bush years. Therefore, LaVerne Jordan is prepared to accept innovative alternative payment plans. I think you know what's coming. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"For the uh, enrollment fee and stuff like that, maybe you and I can do something, you think? ... The enrollment fee, yeah... If you and I get together... Excuse me and I don't mean to be so blunt but I am talking about fucking you."

Now imagine that sweet talk, like a Shakespearean sonnet only without the rhyming or meter or number of lines, coming from a late-middle-aged, paunchy, white-haired, bespectacled dude in a checkered shirt. How could any woman resist those considerable charms? It's like being hit on by a jowly, stupid Hank Hill, only 20 years older. Still, LaVerne thinks he's got a rocket in his pocket, along with a value-pak of Viagra from the Wal-Mart:

"For the $300 I would expect maybe we could get together several times, you think?" When pressed for an explanation, he replied, "Well I don't know, you might like whatcha getting." I would like to point out that while the official transcript that I'm using*, from KTRK in Houston who conducted the sting operation, includes the final "G" in "getting", there is NO EVIDENCE for the existence of that "G" on the tape.

But wait, you ask. Could that be all there is? An icky old Southern Christian clumsily attempting to extract sexual favors from a parent in need? We demand more from our free web columns! We demand horrifyingly-worded attempts to ease into said sexual favors! And I have cunningly anticipated your demand.

"If you're not in like just a great big hurry, I know uh, of a place not too far that we can go and I can just do that we can just do some play around a little bit. Would you like that? We could go and we could do some titty play."

I tell you this, there are only two reactions to hearing a guy named LaVerne offer up some titty play in his Texas twang. If you are a man, your penis has become a hermit, and now lives in a shack in the woods writing manifestos, and will continue to do so until we can find a way to make Y chromosomes apologize. And if you're a woman, your legs have permanently fused together, and I deeply regret all future hopping today's column has caused you.

LaVerne Jordan, ladies and gentlemen. Place him and me side by side, with our curriculum vitae and religious affiliations prominently displayed, and most of the people walking past would chuck clods of dirt at MY head, not his. Yet I never have, and never will, ask anyone for three hundred bucks worth of titty play. Because I don't need a two-thousand-year-old book to tell me that's wildly inappropriate and seriously wrong.

*Although I did replace the censor-dashes, because the FCC has no jurisdiction here.

So Much For The Free Market

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:17:11 -0500

Religion, 10 April 2008

Memo to Marsha West: THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

It's tough to be on top. Whether you're Microsoft, Standard Oil, or Don Corleone, there's always someone trying to grab a piece of your action. And you are forced, no, OBLIGATED, to slap those punks down and teach them a lesson. It's the same way with Christianity.

Why do you think your hardline, conservative Christians get so up in arms about the occult? It's not about offense. It's not about people getting damned to hell. It's about market share. One truth, one way, one light is a monopoly. Permit multiple truths, multiple ways, and a whole stadium full of lights, and the salvation pie gets divvied up amongst the hoi polloi, the Toms, Dicks, and L.Rons. And like a corporation lashing out against the slightest trademark infringement, this doctrine does sometimes lead to people making asses of themselves.

Such as Marsha West's lengthy, and by lengthy I mean more column-inches than a porn star, diatribe against the Home Shopping Network. What is the Home Shopping Network's crime? Carrying a line of books and items by John Edward, has-been cable charlatan.

You see, Christians believe that when you die, those of you who've followed a set of largely arbitrary rules, you get to spend the rest of eternity in a pleasant community of like-minded glowing souls. And if you fucked up on any of the rules, then you spend that eternity being tortured. On the other hand, John Edward believes that after you die, you get to talk to him on basic cable or in a Holiday Inn conference room. So on the one hand, everyone gets the torture, but on the other hand, it only lasts fifteen minutes.

And thus, Martha West is outraged, and if Martha West is outraged, Renew America stands ready to spread that outrage to its dozens of readers. This abomination cannot stand! After detailing the items available on HSN, including books, a 7-strand chakra bracelet, and a prayer book complete with rosary - West does something that can't have come easy for her. She recounts the opinions of skeptics who rightly believe that John Edward is just another mentalist with a wagon full of snake oil. An uncomfortable proposition, striking as it does so closely to the well-established snake-oil warehousing and shipping organization she herself has been a member of for decades. So she goes for the dumb. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Perhaps John Edward is a fraud and a brilliant con man. Then again, it's entirely possible that he does, in fact, receive information from the spirit world. My question for those who believe he's for real, and that he actually communicates with spirits of the dead, is this: What if the info that's piped into the medium's mind comes from another sort of spirit, a spirit not from a deceased loved one, but from a demonic spirit?"

Then the demonic spirits, in their infinite wisdom and evil, backed a flash-in-the-pan cable star who got bumped off Sci-Fi two years ago and now resides on WE. A fact I had to look up, because with the possible exception of John Edward and Martha West, nobody gives a ghostly spectral fuck about John Edward anymore. And you know how else I know that's true? He's selling seven-strand chakra bracelets on HSN - a channel that, I remind you, is the low-rent version of QVC.

It's one of the hard and fast rules of the universe that nobody appearing on HSN in any capacity is a threat to either society at large, or any one person's immortal soul (should such a thing exist). If there is a battle being waged on Earth between Jesus and Satan, it's not happening above Channel 100. I don't care how many paragraphs you spend quoting Bible verses in your convoluted attempt to "prove" that John Edward practices necromancy*. You're not witnessing against the advances of the demonic realm. You're just pissing into the ocean and claiming credit for high tide.

So what anti-necromancy strategy does Martha West suggest?

"I would like to suggest that HSN shoppers contact the execs and ask them why they've climbed in bed with occultist John Edward. Inquiring minds want to know!"

All irony inherent in West quoting the advertising slogan of the National Enquirer in her attempt to stand against the occult aside, I can tell you right now why HSN execs have climbed into bed, as it were, with Edwards. Because when they put the chakra bracelets in gas stations, nobody bought them. So don't bother calling in, legions of loyal HSN patrons. You'll need that phone free when that ugly-ass chain necklace comes up next hour. And again next week for the cream to treat the skin condition the necklace gave you.

*But if you're curious, SEVENFUCKINGTEEN OF THEM.

Suffering Fools

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 22:51:14 -0500

Religion, 1 April 2008

Memo to the Neumanns, and by extension, the Wausau Daily Herald: YOU ARE DUMB.

I'm a bit uncomfortable with kicking people when they're down, so the case of Madeline Kara Neumann is more for a rage-inducing tragedy than a schadenfreude-inducing yuk-fest, but as is often the case with such things, the reaction to the tragedy tells us more about society's ills than the tragedy itself.

You see, Madeline Neumann died about a week and a half ago at age 11. She died from a pair of conditions, both of which, individually, people can live happy and healthy lives with, but can be fatal when combined: diabetes and faith. You see, Madeline hadn't been to a doctor since some vaccinations at age 3, and when she fell ill, here's how her mother related the parental response:

"We just noticed a tiredness within the past two weeks. And then just the day before and that day (she died), it suddenly just went to a more serious situation. We stayed fast in prayer then. We believed that she would recover. We saw signs that to us, it looked like she was recovering."

According to reports, that "more serious situation" was a diabetic coma.

It's unfortunate, and tragic, but that's one of the things that happens to stupid people. Their children die because they don't believe in doctors, and instead believe in the magical power of Jesus. And then, after their child dies as a direct result of their stupidity, turn to that stupidity for comfort as the authorities debate whether to charge them with criminal neglect:

"Our lives are in God's hands. We know we did not do anything criminal. We know we did the best for our daughter we knew how to do." - And the reason that's all they knew to do is that somehow, over the years, they've apparently been incredibly fucking lucky. They have three other children, all older than Madeline was. Somehow, the entire family had somehow gone a minimum of fourteen years without any kind of serious illness or injury. But if you wait long enough, and have enough kids, eventually your stupidity is going to catch up with you.

I'm not sure there's any point in charging the Neumanns with a crime - they don't have any younger children, and I would hope the older ones have the sense to learn from this mistake - but by the same token, I don't think there's any point in showing them deference for what is clearly a pathological level of religious fervor. But that's the tack the Wausau Daily Herald took in an editorial whose title asks us to "reserve judgment" on the case. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Those details have been more than enough for some people to come to some harsh conclusions about Kara's family, their faith and their culpability in this matter. Step back from our shared emotional reaction to this story, though, and judgments are less clear.

Um, no. If you step away from the emotional reaction, what you're left with is reason. Their daughter was sick. If they'd taken her to a doctor, she'd have received treatment and likely survived. They didn't take her to a doctor because they believed praying would work BETTER. Not as well as. Not even as a substitute for medical care they couldn't afford. But BETTER. And they were wrong. Refusing to draw conclusions from these events may seem like a kindness during a family's loss, but it also VALIDATES CRAZY.

The paper continues with alternate scenarios: "...perhaps her family knew she was ill but didn't know that her recent symptoms were an indication of a worsening condition as opposed to, say, a bad case of the flu." What the fuck? Bad cases of the flu KILL PEOPLE. If you think it's a bad case of the flu, you should get your kid to the DOCTOR. So they don't die from it. But wait, there's more!

"And though police say Kara was ill for at least 30 days, maybe her condition worsened so quickly that no one was aware of how serious it was." Well, except that we know that's not true either. The girl's aunt spent at least two days trying to convince the Neumanns to take their daughter in, and was the one who contacted authorities after that failed. Even the parents were clearly aware of how serious it was. They just were blissfully unaware of the correct action to take.

And then, in an attempt to be a paragon of even-handedness, they close with "Meanwhile we can remember to hug our own children a little tighter tonight, and to thank God for every day they're with us, and pray that another child's death might be prevented by someone reading about Kara's death."

Which means the Wausau Daily Herald is making the exact same goddamned mistake the Neumanns made. Instead of taking an action - correctly judging the Neumanns decision to be a horrible mistake by misguided fools - they instead say we should all pray that others somehow manage to learn from the mistake that we're not even allowed to say they made in the first place. Good fucking luck with that, geniuses.

It Could Be Worse Friday

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 22:46:17 -0500

Religion, 21 March 2008

Memo to America: I SUPPOSE IT COULD BE WORSE.

American religious extremism has been in the news a lot this week. Well, if it's leftist black religious extremism, it has. And if you combine that with all the times crazy right-wing religious extremism has been in YAD, then you can sort of achieve a kind of bare minimum parity required to set up the idea of a column looking at religious nutters who are even nuttier than the local variety, in what I'm calling SPASTIC TOPIC GOOD FRIDAY!

We start in India, where around 50 people made it impossible for me to avoid making a "blind faith" joke. Apparently, rumors spread that a religious image was appearing over the home of a resident of Kattayam, India. Hordes of people came out to stare at the sky, searching in vain for the image, until they burned their fucking retinas.

The image, by the way, wasn't Krishna, or Ganesh, or any of the iconography usually associated with the subcontinent. It was the Virgin Mary. Apparently feeling a bit capricious after years of appearing in potato chips, urine-soaked underpasses, and frying pans, Mary decided to play a little trick on rural Indian Christians and blind them. It's like a missionary version of Punk'd.

When it comes to the kind of self-abuse the Christian faith doesn't frown upon, though, you're gonna have a tough time beating the Philippines. Because the Filipinos are too busy beating themselves. Apparently not content with the traditional forms of Easter torture - crappy chocolate bunnies and an entire week of painfully proselytizing B.C. cartoons - people in the Philippines nail themselves to crosses and whip themselves.

Not metaphorically. According to the Manila Times, the national health department is warning that "in the hot and dusty atmosphere... using unhygienic whips to make deep cuts in the body could lead to tetanus and other infections." Apparently, it's left to me to point out that using hygienic whips to make deep cuts in the body could lead to DEEP CUTS IN THE BODY.

They also want to make sure that people properly sterilize the nails they DRIVE THROUGH THEIR HANDS AND FEET INTO CROSSES. You know, say what you will about atheists, but not only do we not go around re-enacting scenes from Richard Dawkins books, if we DID, we wouldn't be impaling ourselves to do it. One guy in the Philippines has crucified himself fifteen years in a row to thank God for his mother's recovery from tuberculosis. Never mind that he could have just sent a fucking FTD bouquet to the guy who discovered ethambutol and saved himself a truckload of agony.

And finally, because the Internet belongs to no country, I must mention the Church of Scientology's newly launched Scientology Video Channel. It's an attempt to counter a series of YouTube videos released by a hacker group, "Anonymous", which has decided it wants to take down the Church of Scientology.

I have to say, if there's one thing that could make the Church of Scientology seem almost sympathetic, it's a bunch of irritating fuckwads on IRC who think they're on a crusade. But the Scientologists, in a marketing move that really makes me wonder how the fuck they get and keep any followers at all, has decided to counter three Anonymous videos on YouTube with EIGHTY TWO pro-Scientology videos on their own website.

Guys. I know that you go after Hollywood types who'll make a short film at the drop of an e-meter. But 82 is a bit much. Especially the 21 different videos in the "Way to Happiness" series. Here's a sign that your religion is barking up the wrong god-forsaken tree. When you think watching 21 short videos by Scientologists on the Internet is the way to anything except a wasted evening and a splitting headache.

Straight Piece Saves

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 22:32:43 -0600

Religion, 7 March 2008

Memo to Dare2Share: NO NO NO NO NO.

It's funny. The process for this column is usually straightforward, with little opportunity for serendipitous side-tracking. Something pisses me off, I yell about it, lather, rinse, and repeat. But sometimes, I actually have to work at this. Case in point: Roland Emmerich's "10,000 B.C.".

It's a Roland Emmerich movie, so it's going to suck, and everyone's going to know it's going to suck, but they're going to see it anyway, because film artistry needs karmic payback for all those art films that won Oscars, and the best way to deliver that payback is by throwing giant piles of money at CGI mammoths. Now, that pisses me off. But to yell about it, I really need a hook. Like an interview where Emmerich says some ridiculous shit about his ridiculous movie.

But he doesn't. So I figure maybe a movie set before God created the Earth might have creationist nutjobs afroth. That's always funny. But as far as I can tell, that's not happening either. And that's when I hit on what was clearly, at least to me, a spark of genius. From time to time, I have commented on Christian youth ministry "Dare2Share", and their jawdropping series of tips on how to spread the good word of Jesus to your teen friends by incorporating pop culture references. And subsequently getting dunked into the Sea of Galiswirlee. Surely they would take advantage of the premiere of this movie to spread the gospel?

Well, I'm apparently at least two weeks ahead of the average youth minister, surprise surprise, they haven't gotten to it yet. And why haven't they gotten to it yet? Because they're busy exploring the theological possibilities of Human Tetris.

And lo, the skies opened up, and the light shone down. "How to Share Your Faith Using the Original Human Tetris". I'm not sure why only The Original Human Tetris will do, or if it has something to do with original sin, but there you have it. Let's just jump straight into the chewy nougat center of the stupid. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!"

"If you've ever been a Tetris-type game fan, you have to admit that at least part of your attraction to this category of games is the ever-present chance to start over with a clean slate. When the "Game Over - You Lose" message flashes up on the screen, it's great to be able to choose 'Play Again' and take another shot at trying to do better... Odd as it may seem, maybe this quirky little Tetris video can serve to remind us that God is continually extending to us the offer of a new game and a clean slate. So try using Tetris as a springboard to having a conversation with your unreached friends about God."

Even for Dare2Share.com, this is a huge stretch. From a video of Human Tetris, to Tetris, to "Tetris-type games", to games in general, to getting to start over after you've fucked up, to JESUS. For fuck's sake, I'm a godless heathen, and I could write a better connection than that.

The Original Human Tetris shows that when people of all shapes and sizes come together in the right way (in worship of Jesus), they'll get whisked away to a better life in the off-screen kingdom of Heaven. And even when your life seems like a jumbled pile of intractable blocks with gaping holes in them, if you just lift your face upward, a straight piece will descend from the heavens and clear your troubles away. That straight piece died for your sins.

See? It's not that difficult, Editorial Coordinator Jane Dratz. Now give me four hundred words on why John McCain sucks and we'll call it even. Don't worry about the dick jokes, I'll drop those in. You know, like you do in TETRIS.

As Per The Blondie Song

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 21:52:29 -0600

Religion, 7 January 2008

Memo to Rapture Letters: FUCK YOU RIGHT BACK.

Maybe it's all the Bioshock I've been playing lately, but I've been giving a disproportionate amount of thought to the idea of Rapture. Not the fictional Objectivist undersea dystopia, but rather the theological doctrine that says how at some point, all the right-thinking Jesus-loving folks are going to vanish like passengers on a Millennium plane, called into Heaven, leaving us non-believers to rot in a nigh-literal Hell On Earth.

The idea is the basis for a lot of things - the Left Behind books, the Left Behind movies, the Left Behind PC game, some truly awful fucking bumper stickers, and, depending on who you ask, United States foreign policy from Jan 2001 to present. And I love it dearly, because the Rapture (which, if CafePress is as reliable a research source as I think it is, is currently scheduled for December 21, 2012), is the ultimate Fuck You of Christianity.

The members of lots of religions believe that because of their belief, they will be going to an eternal paradise of wonderment after they die, while the heathen fucker sitting next to them will be condemned to an eternity of torment as a result of his wicked lifestyle, sinful ways, and Internet column mocking creationists.

For most people, "you're going to Hell, and I'm not" would be good enough. But all of that happens after we die. We have to get the cancer, or get hit by a bus, or eat really cheap sushi before the godly can collect their reward and the ungodly can earn their punishment. And in the meantime, the ungodly are having lots of sex and sleeping in on Sundays and having all the fun.

The Rapture changes all that. Now, at any moment, possibly in just under five years, all the fun could stop. The faithful get called to Heaven in an entirely bus-free manner, and the rest of us are in deep shit, left to try and survive in a world without preachers, home school moms, gift shop clerks at the Creation Museum, and Mike Huckabee. It's gonna suck.

The joy of a Huckafree world aside, the Rapture is a big FU to the heathens. Because not only will they have been right, but they'll have been shown to be right in the first clearly demonstrable and visible act of God, well, ever. But even that Fuck You is missing one vital component. Gloating. You can't gloat from the Great Beyond. Not without technology, at least.

Now, I know I'm about three years behind on talking about this, but Rapture Letters is a website where, and I mention this on the off chance you hadn't stumbled across it either, you can submit an address to a list. Every week, the site's owner resets some kind of internal toggle, and as a result, every week, hundreds of form letters do NOT go out to everyone on the list. In the event of the Rapture, however, the site's owner will be called to Heaven, the reset will not happen, and everyone on the list will be notified that the Rapture came and THEY MISSED IT.

Oh sure, the letter claims to be full of good Christian charity, caring about those left behind and urging them to turn to Jesus, although I'm really not sure what the point would be after the Rapture. I'm pretty sure there's nothing about an End-Times Do-Over in Revelations. So really, it's just gloating. But my absolute favorite part of the form letter is this. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I am sure that there will be a lot of speculation as to what happened to all these people. The theories of some scientists and world leaders will have so much credibility that most of the world will believe them. It will sound like the truth!"

If you sometimes find yourself perplexed as to the fundamentalist attitude toward science, look no further than this quote. Science is out to get fundamentalism. Science is SO out to get fundamentalism that, if millions of people on Earth were to vanish overnight, and the only thing they had in common was that they were all fundamentalist Christians, the scientific community would concoct an explanation to keep people from realizing the truth. And they would be SO GOOD AT IT that we'd all be convinced.

That's not how it would work, of course. Never mind all that other stuff that's supposed to happen during the end times. If just the disappearing part happened, even I'd have to seriously consider that something Biblical might have happened. Until then, of course, I will drive around town confident that at no time will some of the cars around me lose their drivers to the Almighty, no matter how much their bumper stickers warn me.

The Limits Of The "Poop = Funny" Equation

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 22:22:42 -0600

Religion, 3 January 2008

Memo to O.J. Wandrisco: YOU ARE DUMB.

I can't quite leave 2007 behind yet. There are a few fucking wackos I never got to before the calendar rolled over. Wackos who desperately deserve the specific kind of attention I dish out.

And speaking of dishing out, what the fuck is the deal with youth ministries? There are the ones that host Halo tournaments in the hopes that shooting their fellow man in the face will bring teenagers closer to Jesus. And there are the ones that think you can lead your fellow teens to Jesus by explaining to them that there's another book, besides the Book of Secrets, that truly is a National Treasure (2). A technique that is equally ineffective, but funny, when applied using Blair Witch (2).

And then there's the ones that think eating poop is the way to go.

Not actual poop, which is... comforting, I guess? It is true that when I hear about underage girls eating a mixture of chocolate pudding and jelly beans out of adult-sized diapers, I think about Jesus. More accurately, I think, "Jesus H. Motherfucking Christ on a pogo stick, what the hell is wrong with people?" Which, while a theologically rich sentence, is probably not what the Mt. Lebanon Young Life club, and its director, O.J. Wandrisco, had in mind.

In a startling coincidence, I had the exact same thought when I learned about fourteen-year-old boys putting on diapers and bonnets, sitting on girls' laps, and racing to finish a baby bottle full of soda. And while I cannot confirm that a pogo stick was specifically invoked, my sentiment seemed to be shared, in a general sense, by the 14-year-old's mother, who contacted authorities and revealed the Young Life club's wacky hijinks to the rest of the world.

You know, when I was growing up, I was frequently warned about groups who might use peer pressure to get me to participate in activities that I might otherwise consider weird or harmful. But those were more innocent times, times when it was deemed unnecessary to warn children about simulated scat-eating, diaper-fetishes, or doing anything a guy named O.J. says is a good idea.

So, does O.J. have a convenient explanation? Sort of. Apparently, eating poop is a great icebreaker. "The skits are designed for one reason and one reason only -- for kids to have fun. It's not a dirty joke. The skits are to break down the walls and let them have fun. It was just a shot at humor."

I suppose sitting one someone's lap while wearing nothing but a diaper does break down certain barriers to conversation. It's a shared experience. But since it's the kind of shared experience you never want to admit to anyone ever again, nor be reminded of lest you wake at three in the morning screaming "HUGGIES!", I can only assume it's an icebreaker within the youth ministry meetings, and a shameful secret everywhere else. Which is a smidge culty for my comfort zone.

There's only one thing better than a local youth minister going rogue and encouraging his young charges to eat fake poop. And that's when the youth minister is part of a national organization from whose collection of activities and icebreakers he got the idea. Unfortunately, if any such activites were present on the Young Life national website, they're gone now. Although the "What Is Young Life?" page is adorned with three freckle-faced youths holding apples in their mouths. Which is, I presume, meant to imply successful bobbing, and not some kind of gleeful, anachronistic presentation of long pig.

In closing, I would just like to take this description of Young Life camping trips off of their website out of context, in order to better tie it in with the idea of getting back into Jesus... with Depends. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"There’s no shortage of excitement, and no one day is like another. Every day, you’ll be surprised with what happens next."

Surprise is definitely one of the emotions you'll experience. That's for damn sure.

Lessmon

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 11:24:38 -0600

Religion, 10 December 2007

Memo to Mitt Romney: YEAH, FUCK YOU TOO.

Now, I want to make clear right from the outset, as an atheist, I'm not interested in Mitt Romney's approval, disapproval, inclusion, or derision. Mitt Romney is not seeking the atheist vote, and atheists sure as fuck aren't seeking Mitt Romney. Unless they're multibillionaire atheists. But there are some fascinating things about Mitt Romney's speech on religion from last Thursday that speak to how fucked up the whole process is.

And first and foremost amongst that was the constant comparison to JFK's speech on religion in 196. Something the Romney campaign must have pushed for, given how prevalent it was in the days leading up to his oh-so-important speech. Here we are in 2007, watching Mitt Romney try to appease fundamentalist Christians by attempting to pick up the mantle of John Kennedy while simultaneously stepping all over that same mantle. It was a tricky balancing act. Did Mitt pull it off? Depends on who you ask. He certainly said some colossally stupid shit in the process, though.

Of course, I have to address the ridiculous and oft-quoted bit from his speech: "Freedom requires religion just as religion requires freedom. Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with God. Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone." The most astonishing thing about this quote is that both sides of it are complete bullshit.

The bit about freedom requiring religion is just hoary old right-wing "Godless Commie" bullshit from people who will lie to you about the millions who died at the hands of "atheist" dictators like Stalin. Been there, done that, refuted your T-shirt. But the second half, about religion requiring freedom, is bullshit too. All kinds of religions have survived and thrived despite being under the thumb of slavery, oppression, or both. Christians, Hindus, Jews three or four times... if religion required freedom, there'd be a lot more atheists around.

What Romney actually means is that the open practice of religion requires freedom, or at the very least sharing the same tastes in religion as whoever's in charge. Which is one thing religion has in common with masturbation and playing Manhunt 2. They're all easier, and more fun, when The Man isn't hassling you and trying to keep you from doing them. So yes, Mitt. Freedom requires freedom. Thanks for calling everyone out to the Poppy Bush Library to tell us that, Captain Truism.

His next stupid thing is a bit subtle, because it requires context. Romney clearly wants to establish boundaries for what candidates are asked about religion, and more importantly, he wants to establish those boundaries at the point where they benefit him most. So let's look at the question he DOES answer:

"There is one fundamental question about which I often am asked. What do I believe about Jesus Christ?" (His answer: He's awesome!) But here's the question he won't answer:

"There are some who would have a presidential candidate describe and explain his church's distinctive doctrines. To do so would enable the very religious test the founders prohibited in the Constitution." Got that? We can ask candidates how they feel about Jesus, but the instant we go into any more detail than that, whoops, we run afoul of that pesky Constitution thing.

I'm sure there's nothing Romney would love more than to spend hours waxing philosophical about magic underwear, Jesus in the Americas, and Kobol. But the Founding Fathers (who, by the way, all loved Jesus and want you too as well) wisely decided he shouldn't.

Let me save you some time. You want to know what all the candidates think about Jesus? They like him. They're pro-Jesus. Not a one of them has an anti-Jesus position paper. Some of them think Jesus hates fucking, some of them think Jesus is a cookie, and some think Jesus hung out with the Native Americans, but they all love Jesus. You're not going to get any distinctions at Romney's preferred level of detail, that's for damn sure.

Some people think Romney did not include those of us without a faith in his speech, but he did! How much more inclusive can you be towards people of all faiths than to tell people of no faith that they are, actually, a people of a faith? And that faith is wrong? That's really fucking inclusive, that is:

They seek to remove from the public domain any acknowledgment of God. Religion is seen as merely a private affair with no place in public life. It is as if they are intent on establishing a new religion in America – the religion of secularism. They are wrong." Honestly, Mitt, I'm feeling a bit TOO included right now. I'm sure that stake is both warm and cozy, but I'd rather just sit quietly over here and worship secularism for a bit, OK?

But the single dumbest thing about Mitt's speech is this. JFK's speech in 64 was notable largely because it contained sentiments few people had heard from a politician before. Romney's sentiments, on the other hand, was full of the same bullshit we've been hearing from fundamentalists, Rush, and Fox News for a decade. We're a Christian nation. As long as you're Christian, that's fine. Nothing wrong with mangers at City Hall, the Godly Pledge of Godly Allegiance, or that thing on the money. And anyone who thinks otherwise MUST BE STOPPED. The only parts of his speech not lifted wholesale from the Fundie's Big Book Of Talking Points can be summarized in five words:

"Pretend I'm not a Mormon." Which is easy for me to do, since it's all pretend anyway.

Ruxpinfidel

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 22:40:28 -0600

Religion, 3 December 2007

Memo to Sudan: YOU ARE DUMB.

One of the biggest problems with religious fundamentalism is what it does to a person's sense of self-awareness. Specifically, the way it completely obliterates it. The only way they can say and do the things they do is because of their complete inability to comprehend what it looks and sounds like.

Case in point - the Sudanese government, which, as I'm sure you've heard by now, has imprisoned a middle-aged British schoolteacher for allowing her kids to name a teddy bear "Muhammed". Muhammed is the prophet, and the prophet was not a teddy bear, therefore the teacher has committed a grave affront to Islam and has violated Sudanese law.

You see what I mean? You can't do that if you've got even a smidge of self-awareness. You cannot walk up to a woman and say to her, "I'm sorry, but you named a teddy bear. We're taking you to jail now." Even if she'd given the bear the name herself, and not had her seven-year old Sudanese students vote on it. I don't care if it's only a fifteen-day sentence. Naming a teddy bear is not a criminal offense in the Republic of Sanity.

Self-awareness would tell you that. You would hear yourself sentencing a schoolteacher to a short prison sentence over the teddy bear name, and you would stop, and ask "What the fuck is wrong with me? What am I doing? You're free to go."

Similarly, if you're out in the street, and you were to, oh, I don't know. Find yourself waving a sword over your head and calling loudly for the teacher to be EXECUTED over the teddy bear incident, self-awareness would be the trigger that made you realize something was seriously fucking wrong with you. I don't care why you're doing it. I don't care if you're just showing off your new scimitar, or have a thing for angry mobs regardless of their motivation. There is no possible justification for wanting someone to die over a teddy bear. Not even the guy who invented Teddy Ruxpin, although in his case, calls for maiming are acceptable.

Not to mention the fact that stupid shit like this is like manna from heaven to our local, garden-variety bigots, who instantly assume that they're crazy because they're Muslim, not that they're crazy because THEY'RE CRAZY. Just because the cultural norms here in America don't generally allow for standing in the street and yelling while waving a sword doesn't mean we don't have the same brand of crazy. It just expresses itself differently, like calls to boycott Teletubbies because Tinky Winky is clearly a homo. Or running over Dixie Chicks CDs with a steamroller. No, it's all of Islam that's the problem.*

Which is especially bigoted and rude of them since the person most entitled to that view, Gillian Gibbons, the woman on the receiving end of all the crazy, thinks the bigots need to shut the fuck up. But don't let me put words like "fuck" in the mouth of a British schoolteacher. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"She just doesn't want any resentment to Muslims. She doesn't want people using her and her case as something to stoke up resentment towards anyone, towards Sudanese people, towards Muslims or whatever." - Gibbons' son, John.

See? She fucking well gets it. And unlike your Schlussels, your Malkins, or that Jawa Report douchebag, she's actually got cause for resentment. But she understands what she's the victim of. Not a religion, but a whole pile of its crazy fundamentalist adherents, doing crazy shit they wouldn't be able to do if they could see, for five seconds, what it looked like from out here. Which is something that the bigots and the crazies have in common.

*By the way, every time you hear some Neanderfuck going on about where are the moderate Muslims protesting this horrible outrage, know that these people are deliberately avoiding Google News, because I had to wade through dozens of stories about moderate Muslims protesting this horrible outrage before I could get to a story with the core facts of the case. Just because you pretend not to see something doesn't mean it isn't there.