Election 2010

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No, She Didn't

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Memo to Christine O'Donnell: NO, YOU DIDN'T.

OK. Since Bill Maher rolled 212 on Friday's premiere of "Real Time", we've all been having fun with Delaware senate candidate, enemy of masturbation*, and, I shit you not, apparent total Tolkein fangirl Christine O'Donnell's admission that she "dabbled in witchcraft". ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I dabbled into witchcraft — I never joined a coven. But I did, I did. … I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do. One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn’t know it. I mean, there’s little blood there and stuff like that. … We went to a movie and then had a midnight picnic on a satanic altar." - Christine O'Donnell, appearing on Maher's earlier show, Politically Incorrect.

In all the discussion of this I've seen, it's all focused on the reaction to her witchcraft revelations, or whether she cancelled out of her appearances on Sunday to avoid tough questions about her witchy days, or even whether or not it's wise for Democrats to go after her for having dabbled in witchcraft. And nobody is focusing on the key issue here. NO, SHE DIDN'T.

You can't listen to her words and come to any other conclusion. It's all right there in one sentence. "I know what they told me they do."

Christine O'Donnell is not a witch. She was never a witch. Taxonomically speaking, what she was, and still is, is a complete fucking moron who's read too many Chick tracts. From the tone, we're clearly talking high school. Maybe college, but early college. And a bunch of teenage "witches" told her about stuff they did. She never did any of this stuff. She just dabbled.

But Christine O'Donnell is a fundamentalist Christian. For her, "dabbling in witchcraft" is playing with a Ouija board with a candle burning. And poor, young Christine got led around by the nose by a bunch of probably older, possibly smarter kids who told her all kinds of stuff that she believed at the time, still believed in 1999 when she admitted to it on "Politically Incorrect", and probably still believes in her brush with Satan. Because that's the kind of shit you can milk for decades amongst the Jesus set.

And that date! A movie, then a picnic on a "satanic altar". With a "little blood" there. OK, here's the deal. Christine O'Donnell is about four months younger than I am. Which means she was in high school when I was. And when I was in high school, everyone thought Ozzy Ozbourne was scary, and rebel kids would carve upside-down pentagrams into their desks. But they weren't really Satanists. I mean, even to the extent there are any real Satanists. These kids were posers and braggarts - something I figured out very early on with the benefit of a bit of hindsight, because unlike O'Donnell, I am not an idiot.

Something else I know in hindsight - a rock with a bit of blood, or red paint, or whatever on it, will get you nowhere. A "satanic altar", though? For a midnight picnic? Maybe a two-liter of Mello Yellow, some booze snatched from the parents' liquor cabinet, and a bag of Doritos? I think we all know what her date had in mind for that night. The only remaining question is, which point of the pentagram did they get to?

The fact is, it's all bullshit. And it's such obvious bullshit that I almost feel bad for her. I mean, we've all been in that position - naive, young, trusting and believing the tales of the older kids because we want to be cool like them. She was no different. She only became different when she didn't figure it out and learn from it.

But she didn't. She still believes that if God catches you touching yourself he's going to send you to Satan for eternal torment. In 1999, she was using her "experiences" with "witchcraft" to further her anti-Halloween cause. That's right, as recently as a decade ago, O'Donnell was one of those anti-Halloween Christians. And those people are fucking insane.

It's not Christine O'Donnell's dabblings into witchcraft that should concern us - it's the exact opposite.

*By the way, am I the only one who finds it hilarious that a serial masturbation opponent has been accused of misappropriating campaign funds for personal expenses... or, to use the vernacular, "dipping into the kitty"? Sticky fingers indeed.

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