Election 2010

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Putting The "No" In Nostradamus

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Memo to Election Day 2010: YOU WILL BE DUMB.

Another year, another election blog tag retired. By this time tomorrow, we'll know the results of most of the contests in the Great Republican Resurgent Wave of 2010, but I thought I'd actually test my prognostication skills and see what I could come up with for some of this year's high-profile and/or local races.

MN-GOV: We are not going to discuss the last three polls showing Tom Horner supporters all breaking for TOMMEH now that they know it's futile. I am predicting that Mark Dayton will pull it out, because predicting that is the only way I will remain sane for the next 24 hours, and being right is the only way I will remain sane for the next four years.

NV-SEN: Sharron Angle will win, and become the worst Senator in America. I mean, seriously. I'll enjoy the idea of Harry Reid losing his job as much as just about anybody, but Sharron Angle is chock-full of race-baiting, xenophobic, teabagger horribleness. Any sane electorate would have rejected her at any one of the many opportunities it had to do so, but Nevada wanted this, and Nevada will get this.

DE-SEN: Christine O'Donnell will lose, and lose badly. Which is almost a shame, because it ensures that we will NEVER see the end of her. She'll follow her mentress Palin into the land of making good money saying stupid shit in front of crowds and on the teevee. Hell of a thing to have as your first steady, good-paying job. Maybe better than senator, even, since there's no actual work involved.

AK-SEN: Joe Miller will lose, because the particular nature of his awfulness seems to turn voters off in a way that diaper-fucking, masturbation-crusading, head-stomping, and everything-Sharron-Angle-does do not. Apparently using three different computers to vote in an online poll is a really, really bad thing.

Murkowski will probably win, and will join Joe Lieberman in the new Primaries Are For Suckers Caucus, but don't hold me to that beyond the caucus joke, because write-in candidacies are strange things, Alaska is a strange thing, and trying to figure out the intersection of two things that strange is, to borrow a phrase, for suckers.

KY-SEN: Rand Paul will win, because Kentucky understands that you can't make a libertarian omelette without breaking a few skulls.

Actually, that's not fair to Rand Paul. He didn't step on a woman's head, and managed to actually unequivocally say that stepping on a woman's head is a bad thing after three tries and in just under 48 hours. And on the list of Things Wrong With Rand Paul that Kentucky voters couldn't give two moonshine-laden shits about, the head-stomping incident barely cracks the top ten.

NY-GOV: Carl Paladino will lose, but will show his appreciation to all the friends he made during the campaign by putting a video of a woman fucking a horse up on the Jumbotron during his concession speech. His graciousness during his darkest hour will, of course, be misinterpreted by a media that simply has it out for him. Especially those bastards at the New York Post. ALSO: Expect a strong showing for the Rent Is Too Damn High guy among all the New Yorkers who saw Snakes On A Plane in theaters.

CT-SEN: Linda McMahon will lose, but for all the wrong reasons. I'm not really comfortable with ads about McMahon that focus on the tawdry on-screen actions of her and Vince on Raw and Smackdown. We didn't criticize Ahnuld for lying to Jamie Lee Curtis about being a spy, or his flirtations with three-breasted hookers in the slums of Mars. Criticize her for running a company that treats her employees like complete shit, taking advantage of "independent contractor" rules and turning a blind eye to drug and steroid use, not on the TV caricature of herself.

On the other hand, I'd rather the right person lose for the wrong reasons than the wrong person win for any reason, so there's a bright side.

CO-GOV: Tom Tancredo will lose by a margin small enough to make me question the mental competence of the entire state of Colorado. Tancredo will return to his day job of smashing in the windows of Taco Bell franchises with bricks that have the American flag painted on them, or, if he really feels like harming society, going back on Fox News.

MN-6TH: Michelle Bachmann will win. Again. Because there's no way the people who live there didn't know exactly what the fuck they were voting for two years ago, and they still voted for her. Nothing has changed, except now Batshit's got serious national money backing her campaign.

THE HOUSE, OVERALL: The Democrats will probably lose. The numbers aren't changing, and the Democrats haven't been doing the job to make the case that they have ideas that just need to be enacted, or enacted more boldly, around Republican obstruction. This is what happens when you start everything from a centrist position and then start compromising.

THE SENATE, OVERALL: The Democrats will retain, hopefully with at least a 52-vote majority so that people don't suddenly start paying attention to Joe Fucking Lieberman again. Democrats will retain the Senate thanks to a slate of truly awful senatorial candidates winning Republican primaries, only half of whom will actually manage to win. "Only".

It's sad, but take comfort in this. We may be losing, but what we're losing pretty much sucked the entire time we had it, and ended up being used mainly to keep assholes like Ben Nelson happy. The American public today may be rejecting Democrats, but what they're REALLY rejecting is whatever the media decides will be most convenient for them to have rejected by the time Thursday rolls around.

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