Election 2010

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« November 2010 »

Memo to America, and especially Minnesota: YOU ARE, AS EXPECTED, PERVERSELY DUMB.

Right. Obligatory Election 2010 reflection. Now, you can emphasize the positive all you want - it was mainly Blue Dog fuckheads in the House who lost their jobs, the remaining Democrats are a lot more progressive, we didn't lose the Senate, yada yada. The fact remains, yesterday was a suck-fest not seen since a spaceship full of vacuum cleaners, crewed by an Enterprise-full* of porn stars, got holed by a meteor in deep space.

I ended up getting only one of my predictions wrong. Sharron Angle lost. And that is, quite possibly, the least sucky thing about Tuesday. She was awful, and in the end, it wasn't even all that close. Sure, that means we still have to live with Harry Reid, who couldn't even manage a 60-vote majority, much less a 53-vote one, but better that than the person behind "Viagra For Child Molesters" and "you look Asian" getting the power of a Senator.

With Angle out of the running as the worst member of the United States Congress, that leaves a wide-open field for the top spot. There are a number of epic douchebags who won election in the House, the most notable of which to readers of this column is Allen West, who hates co-existence unless he's co-existing with violent biker gangs. There are also a couple of minor-league fuckers who didn't make the column because they pulled shit like anti-Muslim xenophobic ads too close to the election for me to discuss them.

But that's OK, because I'm going to give the prize to Rand Paul anyway. Senators are stuck there for six years and have more power, so whackjob congresscritters are less congresscritical. Rand Paul's brand of nepotistic, born-again libertarianism is the most ridiculous ideological variant strain I've seen in a while. I mean, listen to this bullshit. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Well, the thing is, we’re all interconnected. There are no rich. There are no middle class. There are no poor. We all are interconnected in the economy. You remember a few years ago, when they tried to tax the yachts, that didn’t work. You know who lost their jobs? The people making the boats, the guys making 50,000 and 60,000 dollars a year lost their jobs. We all either work for rich people or we sell stuff to rich people." - Paul, on CNN.

Rand, or course, leaves a third group out of that "we". Rich people. Rand Paul is rich people. Plus, of course, not everyone works for rich people. Government employees don't work for rich people. Many in Rand Paul's recently-adopted faith-based communities don't work for rich people. What Rand Paul describes as the normal state of things in the United States today, the state of things he wants to continue? That thing has a name. That name is "oligarchy". I would have gone for just ordinary plutocracy, but since we have a senator son of a congressman father, I'm pretty sure "oligarchy" is more fitting.

I was right about Minnesota, but I was also very, very wrong. Because Minnesota never giveth without taking away. It gave us Paul Wellstone, and but it also gave us storms and small planes. It gave us the 60th vote in the Senate after a lengthy recount, but the recount didn't give the Democrats enough time to realize they should fucking do something with it before they lost it. It gave us the election of Jesse Ventura, but it also gave us, well, the governing term of Jesse Ventura.

So in Minnesota, we got our first Democratic governor in 20 years. In the entire time I've lived here. Oh, sure, there's gonna be a recount, and Republicans are going to be even whinier bitches about it than they were two years ago, but Dayton's up by 9,000 votes, and during the Franken recount, the swing was only a few hundred. Toward the Democrat. I am confident, both because of the math, and because the current situation is much crueler to me.

Because Minnesota elected an entirely Republican state legislature to go along with its Democratic governor. Isn't that awesome? Seriously, this state needs to either decide, like Wisconsin did this year, to lock all the liberals up in a couple of small enclaves and only let them out on special occasions, or start seriously voting for Democrats en masse. This wishy-washy, 50-49, have it both ways bullshit has got to stop. I'll even let the right keep Bachmann. Everybody needs a hobby.

Having lived under eight years of Tim Pawlenty, I know how a governor with a strong goal in mind (in Timmeh's case, not getting on Grover Norquist's bad side) can stymie the opposition legislature at every turn by waiting for them to blink. And I also know that there's no way in hell Dayton's going to have the fire inside to play that game of chicken. So watching the next two years, at a minimum, is going to be much more agonizing for yours truly if Dayton gets in, because with Emmer, everything bad is a foregone conclusion.

Oh, and also, the Vitter Rule is now permanently in effect. Politicians can now do anything and everything up to and including diaper play with hookers, and keep their jobs. Yay for democracy!

*The left wing blogs can argue whether it's an -A crew size or a -D crew size, but those are nitpicky details.

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