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Dust Off and Nuke Your Account From Orbit

« March 2017 »

Memo to Mike Huckabee: YOU'LL DOOM US ALL, YOU FOOL!

I know everyone's worried about the current crisis. The one where Devin Nunes, the Republican in charge of the House Intelligence Committee, revealed himself to be a Trump lackey first and the guy allegedly investigating Trump a distant second. But there's a vastly underreported national crisis we need to be focusing on. Mike Huckabee thinks he's funny.

Over the past few months, the man who's failed at so much already decided he desperately needed to fail at telling political jokes on Twitter. And much like all other right-wing and Christian "alternative" versions of other art forms, it's only successful to you if you think the real thing is a tool of liberal Satan.

Remember when the Trump administration banned Muslim immigration, and Chuck Schumer, whose family died in the Holocaust, cried thinking about how we're returning to the base cruelty that turned Jews away in the 40s so they could get murdered by Hitler? Mike Huckabee thought that was hilarious, and thought he was hilarious, and I cannot decide which judgment was more wrong. ACTUAL TWEET TIME!

"Breaking news from Hollywood! Sen. Chuck Schumer cast in lead role for remake of 'Boys Don't Cry.'"

There are a lot of things to say about this tweet. It's insensitive. It's dickish. It's pointless. But most importantly, it's a shitty joke. It barely functions on even a logic level, which makes it Huckabee's best joke to date. It's a mess, and the only reason you'd like it is if you get off on being cruel to people you don't like no matter how, and no matter why. And it gets worse.

"Full disclosure:I have NOT met with Russian AMB, but did have Russian dressing on a salad last September. I'll recuse from salads for a week "

See? Because Russia? Get it? Get it? Of course, if Huckabee were to actually carry the metaphor through and keep pace with current events, he'd have to tweet a picture of himself, naked, balls deep in an Arby's Rueben, while humming Volga Boatman. And shut up. That image is nowhere near as bad as what I'm about to show you, a tweet so Racist Uncle Who Only Watches Fox News that if it ever escapes Twitter and becomes sentient, we'll have to cancel Thanksgiving.

"Poop Dogg has nephew named Bow Wow; both bad dogs who advocate murder and sex slavery for @POTUS and First Lady;Who let the dogs out? "

Oh, for fuck's sake. What do we even HAVE a Hague for, if Mike Huckabee can't be dragged before it for referencing Who Let The Dogs Out on Twitter, and wanting to do so SO badly that he abused a semicolon to get it in under the 140 limit? This tweet is also circumstantial evidence for what we all know in our hearts to be true, Mike Huckabee has said "More like CRAP music!" at at least one dozen social occasions per year since 1988, when, two years after its release, he finally heard Run DMC and Aerosmith's "Walk This Way".

The Gorsuch hearing has opened up the floodgates yet again.

"Breaking News! Jimmy Dean Sausage Co will be renamed GORSUCH SAUSAGE because he's grinding up some Democrat Senators into PURE PORK SAUSAGE!"

EMPHASIZING certain WORDS is a useful TECHNIQUE, one I frequently EMPLOY myself, but it's not ACTUALLY a substitute for a PREMISE that makes SENSE or DENIES PURE OBJECTIVE REALITY. And speaking of a premise that denies objective reality, of course, no criticism of Huckabee's sub-Cook comedy stylings could possibly be legitimate. Here's his defense of what he does:

"I Tweet for my amusement and your amazement. To haters trolls and humorless people-you really shouldn't follow me. It's way over your head!"

Oh, look, everyone! Mike Huckabee just learned how to argue like an asshole on Usenet in 1995! Also, this tweet means that putting a pillow over the head of the word "haters" while it sleeps is officially three years overdue.

You know why rich white wingnuts think we live in a meritocracy? Because no matter how much they suck at something, society is built to keep letting them try to do it. For fuck's sake, Mike Huckabee ran for president TWICE. But now he's on Twitter, "making fun of liberals" like he's a post-stroke Greg Gutfeld. It's almost enough to make me welcome North Korea's imminent missile attack.

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