Internet

Internet, 14 October 2008

Memo to ZATZ Publishing and their customers: YOU ARE DUMB.

I love my iPod Touch. This isn't an Apple testimonial, and I have received no compensation for saying so. It's just a statement of fact. For me, it's the futuristic handheld computer I've wanted since my first tentative steps into the world of "20 GOTO 10" in the early 80s. And a lot of that functionality is due to the new App Store, in which small independent developers write small, useful programs for the Touch and sell them on the cheap, in some cases making small fortunes.

And then there's ZATZ Publishing, developers of the 28 stupidest apps in the entire App Store. Dumber than the forty thousand simulations of a spirit level. Dumber than the hordes of knockoffs of simple puzzle games. Dumber than apps whose sole purpose is to make a single noise. I speak of their entire software development output, the DaysTo series.

There are 28 different DaysTo applications. Each one costs 99 cents. Each one provides a countdown timer to a specific event, in days. For example, if you, in a drunken stupor, decided to pay a dollar for DaysTo Valentine's Day, every time you launched the app, a picture of a heart would appear, along with a caption telling you, "There Are 124 days to Valentine's Day!". That's it. That's all it does. For a buck. It is awe-inspiringly insipid, and only gets more so as you explore the range of events that ZATZ Publishing has created DaysTo events for.

For example, let's say you're a business person with an important trade show coming up. For years, these businessmen and women have had to rely on Franklin Planners, desk calendars, and knowing what the fuck they're doing so that they don't miss this important upcoming event. But now, with DaysTo Tradeshow, you can look at your iPod or iPhone, and have a goofy cartoon businessman tell you that "There are 191 days to tradeshow!". That's a direct quote, by the way. Apparently there are an infinite number of days left until ZATZ Publishing learns the importance of definite articles.

But wait, there's less! There's "DaysTo Election Day 2008", soon to be an even dumber app than the rest! There's "DaysTo Game", to let you know how long remains until the big game of your choice, and "DaysTo Race", in case that big game is a race, and you're too much of a fucking snob to lump motor sports in with other sports. For weeks, you sat, staring at the App Store in frustration, wondering when ZATZ Publishing would see to your specific race-waiting needs, and they came through for you.

There's DaysTo Wedding, in case you forget when you're getting married, DaysTo Birthday, in case you forget when you were born, and DaysTo Christmas, in case you not only can't remember when Christmas is, you live in a cave somewhere completely devoid of cultural cues that would remind you.

There's even DaysTo Baby, which is not only pointless and stupid, but unless ZATZ Publishing has developed some elaborate medical sensing technology and is just fucking around with countdown timers as a lark, is completely inaccurate as well. "Honey, you're going into contractions. Shouldn't we go to the hospital?" "No, dear, my iPod says we have two more days left!"

And then there's the program description, which is so far beyond awesome that it loops back on itself to awful and then awesome again. Here's part of the one for DaysTo Hanukkah, but they're all pretty much the same. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"DaysTo Hanukkah is the simple, easy-to-use app that gives you the instant gratification of knowing how soon the Festival of Lights will be here. Simply tap the icon and you'll immediately know how many days you have to create the celebration you really want this year. This application is pre-programmed to calculate Hanukkah dates each year up to 2015... Heightening the sense of anticipation helps make Hanukkah a time to remember... Download this great ice-breaker and conversation piece for a buck. After all, you'd pay a buck for a song, so why not own this helpful and amusing app today?"

Well, because when I spend a buck on a song, I've got A SONG. Pulling out my iPod, showing people a picture of a Menorah, and telling someone I've never met before how many days are left to Hanukkah is an ice-maker and a conversation stopper, and if the person is Jewish, it's likely to get me punched right in my goyish good looks. For fuck's sake, if I want people to think there's something mentally wrong with me, I'll buy the iPod slide rule application. Sure, it's just as likely to cause people to shy away from me and shun my presence as a DaysTo app, but at least they'll think I'm socially maladjusted and smart, not anti-Semitic and retarded.

And yes, I realize that a dollar isn't a lot of money, especially after Dubya has had his way with it. But let's face it. Ascribing an arbitrary monetary value to items that were essentially worthless is how we ended up in the current financial crisis, and I'll be damned if I'm going to lose my pension money when the subprime countdown timer bubble pops in 2017. Fuck the free market. Stop these bastards now.