Election 2008

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The Final Three

« October 2008 »

Memo to the Final Three: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's less than a week before the election, which means I only have room for three, count 'em, three more IDIOTS who have SAID THE DAMNDEST THINGS before Election Day. Who are they? What did they say? It'll be tough to choose just three, but luckily, dumbasses who try harder make it easier for me.

"After all, we don't all write dirty articles for Playboy. Oh, and go Vikings!" - Victoria Jackson, who, along with John Ratzenberger, Robert Davi, Pat Boone, and Stephen Baldwin, appeared in an ad attacking Al Franken.

Um, Victoria? Do you know why you don't get to write dirty articles for Playboy? Because you're NOT FUNNY. And not very bright. That's why Al Franken is coming off a talk radio hosting gig and best-selling books to run for Senate, and you spend your time calling Obama the anti-Christ in your nutjob blog that nobody ever reads. Well, until you appeared in this ridiculous ad. Then everybody remembered you existed, wondered what you'd been up to, Googled you, found your insane fundie blog ravings, and determined that you'd been up to going psycho.

Also, that Vikings thing was shameful and pandering, and would that it were possible, I'd suggest that you, Norm Coleman, and the National Republican Senatorial Committee should all be ashamed of themselves.

"When you take a lurch to the left you end up in a totalitarian dictatorship. There is no freedom to the left. It’s always to our side of the aisle." - Iowa congressman Steve King, who has a history of saying stupid shit.

Huh. Now, I'm no expert on American History, but I'm pretty sure that on any number of occasions since 1776, the United States has lurched to the left. And I'm also pretty sure that we've never been a totalitarian dictatorship, except in Dick Cheney's wet dreams. So Steve King is already talking epic amounts of bullshit before he even reaches the principle that freedom only exists during periods of Republican dominance.

That may be true in King's world, but if it is, it's only because the NSA stopped listening to his phone calls because the couldn't fucking stand it anymore and spent their time listening to soldiers having phone sex instead.

"I believe Muslims are our enemies... I believe war is a fact of life and we should always win... I believe there is a moderate and a socialist in this election. I agree with a two-party system, but Obama isn't a messiah or a democrat. He's a Muslim socialist." - Marcia Stirman, FORMER head of the Republican Women of Otero County, in a letter to the Alamogordo Daily News.

The fascinating thing about Stirman's letter is that it contains one truly revealing statement. The long list of beliefs, including (as shown above), was titled "Why I'm A Republican". And certainly, if you want to bomb people with different religions, bomb people with different ideologies, and label people who aren't a different religion as if they are so that it gives you carte blanche to bomb them, well, the Grand Old Party is the party for you. Sure, you might get kicked out of your post as a face-saving measure if you admit it out loud and people notice, but in a party where G. Gordon Liddy and Oliver North are members in fine standing, don't worry. You won't be on the outs for long.

I feel bad for the hundreds and hundreds of stupid people out there who've said stupid shit about this election, but I'm afraid we've filled our last three shots. The good thing is, once the election's over, these people will still be stupid. And they'll feel threatened and cornered and wounded and tiny and small. And thus, their time will come.

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