You Are Dumb - Canada

Numismatists On The Block

Tue, 08 May 2007 12:21:29 -0500

Canada, 8 May 2007

Memo to military contractors and the Defense Security Service: YOU ARE DUMB.

We are so lucky that the terrorists suck. Seriously. This is what cracks me up about the whole "they'll follow us home" canard. Nothing's stopped them from coming here in the last six years - nothing on our end, in any case. For proof of this, look no further than the case of the Canadian Spy Coins.

Back in January, a report on security threats from the Defense Security Service, a subset of the Defense Department showed up. In it, it said that U.S. contractors had fallen victim to Canadian coins with electronic trackers implanted in them. Seemed a bit odd, but also a bit cool. When our head spies are people like George Tenet, I think we all want to believe in a James Bondian Mountie with access to nanotechnology.

Of course it wasn't true. And the way in which it was so startlingly not true should give anyone pause who thinks the War on Terror is going to be fought by the brave, smart men and women of the United States Governement and the vast cadre of private individuals they've outsourced to. The coins turned out to be ordinary Canadian "poppy quarters", notable only because the poppies were painted red - Canada's first color coins.

So why did the contractors think the coins were bugged? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Coat pockets were empty that morning and I was keeping all of my coins in a plastic bag in my inner coat pocket." - one unidentified, and presumably anal-retentive and germophobic, contractor. Another contractor found one of the coins in the cup holder of a car he rented. Coat pockets? Cup holders? Next you'll be telling me you were "handed" one of the "coins" by a Canadian "cashier".

"[The coins were] anomalous... filled with something manmade that looked like nanotechnology" - Let me get this straight. We are paying lots of money as defense contractors to people who think they know what nanotechnology LOOKS LIKE. Oh, and also think that if spies were going to be sneaking nanotech coins into people's pockets, they'd make sure to PAINT THEM RED.

One contractor actually looked at the coins under what he claimed was a high-power microscope, finding what he claimed was "several layers of clear but different material, with a wire-like mesh suspended on top." And of course he went straight for a microscope, without once stopping to ask any Canadians what the deal was with the red coins, because foreigners are useless in this new age of American unilateralism.

So the contractors report the coins to the DSS, and the DSS investigated. Well, OK. They didn't investigate. But they did examine... actually, they didn't examine the coins either. But they DID put it in a report without questioning it. So either Judith Miller is moonlighting, or the DSS is full of idiots. But it's OK, the DSS is performing an internal review process! Yay! Don't you feel better? If not, here's DSS spokeswoman Cindy McGovern to tell you why you should.

"We know where we made the mistake. The information wasn't properly vetted. While these coins aroused suspicion, there ultimately was nothing there."

Vetted? Ultimately? A guy found a red quarter in a rental car's cup holder and you told the world it was a secret plot to track our personnel. The "mistake", then, is assuming that at any given moment, the people allegedly in charge of keeping us safe have the slightest fucking idea what they're doing. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call the NSA and report a ring full of strangely-shaped metal objects I discovered in my pocket this morning. I'm concerned they might be utlized to subvert basic automotive or home security measures.

Stupidity + Anatomy = Comedy

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 14:21:04 -0500

Sports, 2 June 2005

Here's something you may not know about stupid people. Turns out, stupid people have organs called "mouths". Colloquially referred to as the piehole, the gob, the shitspout, or, in the case of Norm Coleman, "Where The Teeth Hold Dominion", this mouth is capable of exuding the most astonishing feats of illogic the world has ever seen. So today, I'd like to spotlight a few of these feats, in a segment I'd like to call "Idiots Say The Damndest Things".

"I don?t think Deep Throat is a hero. I think Deep Throat is a snake." - Pat Buchanan

Luckily, I trust Buchanan's opinion on herpetology about as much as I trust his opinion on immigration. And the color of my shoes, for that matter.

I love, by the way, that all the experts they're turning to to analyze whether W. Mark Felt did the right thing or not are all the aides, speechwriters (like Patty Patty Buke Buke), and convicted felons of the Nixon administration. Just because Liddy and Colton have served their time and moved on to lucrative careers in talk radio and Christian evangelism doesn't mean they weren't nose-deep in Nixon's shit. They got caught. Sent to prison. Their boss forced to resign in shame because he was dirty as hell and sloppy about it to boot. They helped him.

So maybe, just maybe, these aren't the people we should be turning to for a moral judgment on the matter? Or am I talking the crazy-talk again? Ignoring the realities of the 24-hour news cycle? Some kind of pundophobe? Fuck it. Doesn't really matter anyway, because as Deep Throats go, Felt isn't the guy anyone wanted it to be. You know you all wanted it to be Ben Stein. I know my demographic. Post-buellerites, the lot of you.

"I don't think there's a church-state issue, because it's not mandatory, and I say 'worship services' instead of 'church." - Kentucky Judge Michael Caperton

Caperton is being delusional in defense of his idea of innovative sentencing - giving people the option of going to jail, or getting out of their jail time by attending the aforementioned "worship services". Just a bunch of misdemeanor drug and alcohol offenders, but still. Even in Kentucky, you don't get out of separation of church and state just by changing the name of something. You have to change the name of it so that it pretends to remove the religious connotations. If they'e renamed Creationism "The Godmadeit Theory" instead of "Intelligent Design", you think they'd have gotten anywhere? OK, do you think they'd have gotten as far. As fast? No.

Here's some more from Caperton: "I saw that our drug problems were getting worse and worse and decided we needed to try something new. All the feedback I've gotten on it has been very positive." - First of all, you don't get to call religion "something new". Even Scientology's been around for decades by now. Hell, all the guys who put on purple sneakers and cut their balls off are making travel plans for their ten year reunion.

And second, of course all the feedback you've received on it has been positive. You live in KENTUCKY. Where thinking dinosaurs waved to Adam and Eve on the way to the tar pit for a bath qualifies you for a seat on the school board. You'll keep getting the positive feedback until the first guy you let out goes and hangs out with the Wiccans on the equinox. Or cuts off his balls and buys purple sneakers. Or as soon as anyone asks the ACLU, which they did, and no, they're not thrilled.

"Some people may think I'm a crazy nonsensical parent and I'm overzealous, but I feel okay with what I'm doing." - Michael Croteau, New Brunswick, Canada.

What he's doing, in case you were wondering, is waging a crazy, nonsensical overzealous war against that oppressor of human rights, Hockey Canada. You see, three years ago, Hockey Canada did not give Mr. Croteau's son an MVP award. Now I know hockey is more important in Canada than it is here, and I know it's more important here than it is to me, but when your son loses out on award, should you really sue the award-givers? That's what Dad decided to do.

And then, when he lost that case, and the hockey league suspended his kid because of the ongoing lawsuit, he filed a HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION complaint with Canadian authorities. Which he also lost. So now he's set up a web site, and is thinking of appealing his case to Canada's Supreme Court. Which doesn't handle nearly as many hockey-related cases as you might think. But, you know. He's okay with what he does. And so, he says, is his son, who coincidentally refuses to talk to reporters about it. Probably because, well, he's 19, he's in law school, and he wants a chance in Canada's frozen hell of getting laid at some point in his life.

While science has yet to find a way to actually stop dumb people from using their flatulent tongueholders, research is continuing into this pesky conundrum. And until that glorious day when You Are Dumb Brand Telepathic Self-Applying Duct Tape is loosed upon a grateful world, we'll just have to endure as best we can. For the sake of the children.

Surprised People

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 13:12:48 -0500

Main Column, 18 February 2004

Quick memo to Inappropriately Surprised People. YOU ARE DUMB.

In our civilized society, we have developed this thing called language. Language allows us to assign names to things. Often, these names will represent or describe the thing that they are attached to.

If a thing, for example, is named "Mortal Kombat", and you are subsequently surprised by the game's contents of death and fighting, then it is your own damn fault, and you need to shut up and pay more attention.

This means you, Canada. When you shell out dough to bring Big American Star Conan O'Brien to your country in the hopes of allaying everyone's fears that they'll catch SARS if they share a crowded bus with a Canadian, and a character named "Insult Comic Dog" insults Canadians, and you are surprised in any way by this... well, thank goodness you've got the universal health care thing to fall back on, because the whole Triumph thing makes you sound like a bunch of fuckin' doofuses.

And it's always the oversensitive, yippy people who don't pay attention to the warning signs. Which makes even less sense. Because if I knew I was the type to fly off the handle every time a vice was portrayed in a videogame, I'd make sure to stay far away from videogames whose titles promise an entire city's worth of vice.

Do people in other industries have to deal with this kind of thing? Does the owner of Shrimpy McShrimp's Shrimptacular Shrimporium get a regular influx of customers who order the Shrimptastic Shrimplatter, wolf it down, go into anaphylactic shock, and then file million dollar lawsuits claiming there's no way they could have known their shrimp allergy would have been triggered?

They probably do, come to think about it. Probably drove poor Shrimpy McShrimp out of the shrimp business entirely. Which is a shame, because with a name like Shrimpy McShrimp, it's not like he can open a law firm.

Nature gave you eyes and a brain. Civilization gave you letters and words. Make the elusive connection, or be forever enshrimped in the annals of the DUMB.