Incompetent Busybodies Daily
14 August, 2009 - 20:49 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Investors Business Daily: YOU ARE STILL DUMB. ALSO, YOU ARE FUNNY. ALSO, YOU ARE STUPID PRUDES.
When last we left Investors Business Daily, they were being mocked by the entire Internet for saying Stephen Hawking would have been left to die if he'd been a British subject and relied on the NHS for health care. As we saw on Wednesday, this was stupid because Stephen Hawking is a British subject, relied on the NHS for health care, and as a direct result, survived long enough to keep the average intelligence of the world up despite the existence of Investors Business Daily.
The best thing to do, when the global telecommunications network is pointing and laughing at your tiny boner, is to meekly admit to fucking up, then go away for a while. And ideally change the topic when you return. Luckily for comedy, Investors Business Daily is not that fucking bright. First, they posted a complete sham of a retraction - removing the paragraph about Stephen Hawking, and making no reference to the fact that this removal effectively undermined their entire "socialized medicine sucks" premise.
But then! Oh glorious then! They tried to rationalize it away in an all-new, all-stupid editorial. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"We also say that not everyone suffering from a debilitating disease is Stephen Hawking, and we hope our critics would acknowledge that. Hawking is a renowned theoretical physicist, university professor and best-selling author. It is doubtful any National Health Service bureaucrat would cut him off... Many other Britons may not be as fortunate, and we wonder how they might fare under similar circumstances in their later years. For example, many British women — whose breast cancer mortality rate is nearly twice that of American women — have been denied care in relative obscurity. We suspect the concern in the U.K. (and the U.S.) over our editorial is similar to a diversionary tactic used here in the Colonies. When you don't want to talk about some of the realities of government-run medical care, you change the subject. You may call elderly town hall protestors a coached mob."
This is fucking rich. They may have been wrong about Stephen Hawking, but hey, maybe they were right about all the ALS sufferers in England who aren't famous physicists! And no, we won't check, or think about how Hawking survived into his teen years, we'll just wonder how they might fare, because we're giant fucking douchebags. And anyway, you're just calling us out on a factual error that completely negates our position because you don't want to talk about the issues! Nyah! Stop calling coached angry mobs coached angry mobs!
It's sad, pathetic stuff, but truth be told, it's not the actual reason I decided to devote an entire column to IBD's response editorial. No, the answer to that can be found in the comments section. But not in the comments themselves, which surprises even me. No, the comedy is to be found in IBD's commenting system itself, which features one of the most overactive dirty word filters I've ever seen on the Internet.
"Circumstances" becomes "cir***stances". "Breast cancer", a phrase that appears in their own damn editorial in an attempt to bolster their incredibly weak point, comes out as "*** cancer" in the comments. "Accumulate" becomes "ac***ulate", which actually looks filthier than the original for ome reason.
Oh, and there's "po***tion". I cannot figure out for the life of me what's getting filtered out here. Pofucktion? Potittion? Podickion? Powanktion? Oh, wait, I've got it. It's "population". No wonder I didn't figure it out. What kind of swear word filters out "pula"? Even Google can't tell me why it's filthy. This is officially the funniest comments system in the universe.
If the target audience for Investors Business Daily is, in fact, the movers and shakers of Wall Street, it's no wonder they plowed the goddamned economy into the ground. They spent all their time listening to morons who think they need to protect their delicate readers from breasts and pula.