Where I Stand

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It's come to my attention that I may not have been entirely open with my position on the issues. I've been coy, hiding my true feelings behind cold, emotionless words like "fucktard". So I thought I'd give my loyal readers a quick rundown of my position on various topics, according to high-profile individuals who've seen obliquely trying to tip you off to my true intent in the past few weeks.

I WANT TO MAKE POOR PEOPLE OBESE.

I thought I was being clever. I thought I was being subtle. I tried to hide it behind humanitarian claptrap, but the truth is, I think the government should give poor people money for food so they can pack on the pounds. Why? Because their livers are a delicacy. And if it hadn't been for Rush Limbaugh's Viagra-fueled deductive genius, I'd have gotten away with it.

"And now, now, the latest crisis is that there is obesity among those who are impoverished. Because we are sympathetic, we are compassionate people, we have responded by letting our government literally feed these people to the point of obesity. At least here in America, didn't teach them how to fish, we gave them the fish. Didn't teach them how to butcher a -- slaughter a cow to get the butter, we gave them the butter.

Not only has he exposed my secret desire to make the poor obese, he's also given my secret butter manufacturing technique to the AM radio world FOR FREE. You son of a BITCH.

I LOVE HITLER.

Oh, not enough to make a MUSEUM for him, but man, do I love me some Hitler. YAY HITLER. You see, I believe in evolution. Evolution is, of course, an evil religious faith with Charles Darwin as its high prophet. And it is a faith with a deadly legacy, as evidenced by the well-researched documentary, "Darwin's Deadly Legacy". That legacy? My second bestest buddy in the whole world, Adolf "Cuddles" Hitler.

"To put it simply, no Darwin, no Hitler. Hitler tried to speed up evolution, to help it along, and millions suffered and died in unspeakable ways because of it." - D. James Kennedy, Christian broadcaster and host of "Darwin's Deadly Legacy". Which, I must remind you, is Hitler. Who I love. Platonically.

NO, REALLY, I LOOOOOOOVE HITLER!

Or rather, I love terrorists, who are just like Hitler, only browner, and I want to appease them out of moral confusion, just like they tried to do with Hitler, only it didn't work, because Hitler was too awesome to be appeased. I wouldn't have mentioned it, except that Donald Rumsfeld let that cat out of the bag on Tuesday, ruining my plans to blame America first this weekend and provide aid and comfort to the enemy on my lunch break.

I'm not even going to bother quoting him, because odds are, if you read this column, you've seen his startlingly insightful commentary on the left-wing anti-war Hitler-loving mindset which I freely admit I embody.

Might as well go along with it, because it's so ridiculous, and yet so ubiquitous, that I can't even bother to muster up the gumption to flex the one finger necessary to flip these weaselhumping morons off. And it takes valuable time away from my favorite hobby, slaughtering poor fat fetuses in the womb, extracting the rich butter found within, and using it to sculpt a Hitler head I hope will win a blue ribbon at the State Fair. The hairline is the tricky part.

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