Spanking Monkey Topic Friday

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Today, You Are Dumb Dot Net presents an all-singing, all-dancing, all-Foley edition of Idiots Say The Damndest Things, covering the stupidest fucking things people have said about Masturgate so far.

"All I know is what I hear and what I see. I saw Bill Clinton's adviser, Richard Morris, was saying these guys knew about this all along, If somebody had this info, when they had it, we could have dealt with it then." - Dennis Hastert.

This is stupid on two levels. First, Dick Morris may have advised Bill Clinton, but the man's about as far left as John McCain. Morris has been shilling for the GOP since he left Clinton's employ. And second, somebody DID have this info. YOU DID. And/or your staff did. And/or John Shimkus did. And/or Tom Reynolds did. And/or Fox News did. And/or all the Republican staffers who warned the Republican pages about the creepy Republican congressman for the last ten years did. The only thing that kept anyone from doing anything about it then was the Eleventh Commandment, plain and simple.

"Specifically, Mark has asked that you be told that between the ages of 13 and 15 he was molested by a clergyman." - Foley's attorney, David Roth.

Now, I'm not saying that Foley wasn't molested... actually, let me rephrase that. I am saying Foley wasn't molested. Fuck it. In for a penny, in for a pound. First, the timing is suspicious. He's in rehab for a day, and what, after that doesn't make it all go away, he figures he'd better come forward with the molestation story? It's very, very pat. I don't have any proof he wasn't, but then, he doesn't have any proof he was.

So we have to take his word for it. And that's the crux of the dilemma, and why it strikes me as such a manipulative thing to do. Because when it comes to this kind of thing, only utter heartless bastards wouldn't give the molestee every benefit of the doubt. It's only the Ann Coulters of the world who feel they can justify saying that a rape victim made the whole thing up for the publicity or the sympathy. Most sane humans don't do that because it happens so rarely that even when you're right, it does more harm than good.

But it's that very taboo that makes the excuse so suspicious. Foley didn't provide details. He didn't have to, because even assuming they could, the networks aren't going to examine his claim with any scrutiny. It'd be crass and unthinkable. Which also makes it so damn convenient. Maybe I'm a bastard. Maybe I'm clueless. But I have a hard time buying into a trauma so horrible it could explain away trying to get into the pants of high-school boys, yet apparently not so horrible that it prevented him from living a fairly normal life otherwise and winning a half dozen or so elections. Something stinks, and for once, it's not coming from a censer.

"We all know that young people gay bash. Young people do a lot of stuff. They don’t have the maturity to understand this kind of stuff… I tell you, folks, you’ve got this page out there; you probably have a bunch of pages laughing and making fun of Foley and the way he comes on to them, and he’s gay and so forth, so they egg him on and so forth. - Rush Limbaugh

"But what prevented the leadership from acting? Were they fearful of acting because they would be seen as homophobic or gay bashing?" - Tony Perkins, president, Family Research Council

A two-fer on the last one, and you can probably find half a dozen more like it if you poke around. The marketplace of ideas is no such thing, you know. It's been turned into some kind of quasi-Marxist hippie utopia where every idea is treated equally, regardless of value or merit. Ockham's Razor lies dull and discarded behind the toilet. And the kind of people for whom quasi-Marxist hippie ANYTHING should be anathema love it. Because all they have to do is say something, and the idea that the House Republican leadership was afraid of gay-bashing is JUST AS LIKELY as the idea that the House Republican leadership was terrified about all those homo-hating, moralistic prigs they call their base finding out about Foley's indiscretions.

Or the idea that Mark Foley was baited, trapped, and shenanigan-ed into asking pages to measure their penises like he was Prince Albert whacking off in the can - as if that made it OK for him to skip a House vote to go and IM one-handed. Look at the way they typed! They were ASKING FOR IT.

At the end of the day, the Foley is a tiny candle that only casts a long shadow because of all the giant stupid fucks trying to stand in the way so we can't see it. It's throwing their true shape up on the wall, and people are noticing, no matter how much retarded chaff they try to throw up in the meantime. Sure, any good it does will probably be short-lived and accidental, but we eat the crumbs we're tossed these days.

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