Where's Your God Now, Rick?

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Memo to Rick Santorum: PREPARE FOR THE PARABLE OF THE ASS AND THE DOOR.

I know why so many purveyors of regular web content look back on The Year That Was this time every annum. It's because nothing else is going on. The world puts it into neutral and coasts betwen Christmas and New Years, and so the only way to fill your allotted space on the glorious World Wide Web is to retrospect your ass off.

BUT NOT HERE. Here we look forward! Always in motion is the future, yes, but there's still stuff I'm looking forward to in the year 2006. And one of those things is the defeat of Senator Rick Santorum.

Yes, Senator Man-On-Dog is himself screwing the pooch politically over and over again. He's more fucked than a honeymoon bride (of either gender), and he knows it. We've made fun of his centrist shift earlier in the year, but his latest ploy is a joy to behold, so he gets singled out for special attention.

Rick Santorum has renounced Intelligent Design, resigned from the Thomas More Law Center, and embraced our collective ape heritage. We're all just a bunch of monkeys doin' what monkeys do, and if that's OK in Dover PA, that's OK with Rick.

He doesn't really believe it, of course. Or if he does, he doesn't believe ANYTHING, because you don't try to get Intelligent Design taught as part of the No Child Left Behind act one year, and a few years later... ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I thought the Thomas More Law Center made a huge mistake in taking this case and in pushing this case to the extent they did." - Looks like someone took a visit to Hindsight LensCrafters. I'm sure there's a parallel universe somewhere where the creationists won in Dover, and I guarantee you, in that universe, I couldn't be writing this column. Because Santorum would still be on the Thomas More advisory board, and I'd still be busy writing columns about how I can't believe they won in Dover.

It's not like the More Law Center pursued the case at all! The retarded former school board got sued, it was a creationism case, the More Center defended it. So even someone like me who legitimately despises the More Center, can't really see how they went "too far". It probably won't even be appealed, because the people who might have appealed it got voted out of office.

We all know, of course, the precise location of the rub. Fuck, in this case, the rub has GPS and a flare gun. You know it. I know it. Rick knows it. His opponent sure as hell knows it. And even the Thomas More Law Center, who are dumb enough to think the earth is 6,000 years old, aren't dumb enough to think Santorum's distancing is a genuine change of opinion.

But that's OK. Because no matter what else goes wrong in November, 2006, I know in my heart of hearts that I will be able to walk around on the day after the election with at least some spring in my step and joy in my heart. Because Rick Santorum will be forever tarred with the Scarlet F of politics: FORMER.

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