Moroning Outside The Lines

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We're all aware, thanks to my diligent research and documentation, that IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. It's true. But it doesn't fully capture the myriad, complex relationship between stupid people, saying things, and remarkable sentences. So today I'm going to take a special look at rarely-seen steps in this elaborate dance.

IDIOTS ARE DESCRIBED AS SAYING CORRECT, YET HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE THINGS:

"Keith doesn't support the Iraq war -- 'Never did,' he says -- and he favors setting a time limit on the occupation. He says he suspects civil war in Iraq is inevitable and predicts the Kurds will be the victors: 'I promise you, they'll end up with it all.'" - Newsday, profiling country singer Toby "Boot In The Ass" Keith.

Toby Keith never supported the Iraq War, and thinks the occupation should end. Good for him. I find it difficult to believe, but good for him. Really. I admit this could be my problem. I don't follow country music that closely, and Keith could very well have released his album "I Have A Carefully Thought Out And Nuanced View Of Middle Eastern Policy" without me ever once hearing the hit single "We're Just Fomenting (A Civil War)".

You know what would suck? If one day, Toby Keith realized that one of the big reasons the Iraq War, and the people responsible, have lasted as long as they have is due to the fomenting of thoughtless, rage-based revenge against a vaguely defined enemy - either by scared, jingoistic Angry Americans, or maybe just by people exploiting that fear and anger for a quick buck. Yep. That sure would suck. Well, for Toby. I think the rest of us would find it fucking hilarious.

SMART PEOPLE DEMONSTRATE IDIOCY BY SAYING PERFECTLY SENSIBLE THINGS.

"I know my mom would take me to see it. You have to prepare your children for things that happen in the world. Everything isn't rosy." - Dakota Fanning, on the controversy surrounding her new movie "Hounddog", in which her character is sexually assaulted.

Dakota Fanning is twelve years old. Dakota Fanning is perfectly reasonable and sensible in this quote, demonstrating maturity and common sense. She's a model of reason and decorum. No sarcasm here. It's just that Fanning's sensibility stands in sharp contrast to the various religious and pro-family groups that, before anyone had even seen the movie, condemned it and called for the arrest of the filmmakers on child pornography charges.

This means we have an exciting new benchmark for culture warriors, think-of-the-children types, and the other hysterics that clutter our discourse with their shrieking busy bodies. They are, officially and collectively, DUMBER THAN A TWELVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL. They should all be forced to get sparkly, rhinestone-encrusted L's permanently attached to their foreheads, so we can spot them before they get into earshot.

BARRING SOME DRASTIC REVEAL, A GARDEN VARIETY IDIOT SAYING GARDEN VARIETY IDIOCY:

"There was no way we were going to let him be in front of children." - Yonkers school spokeswoman Jerilynne Fierstein, in regards to suspended teacher Jeffrey Kirby, who, while teaching a class on anatomy and human sexuality, committed the crime of asking students to draw penises on the blackboard.

As I said in boldface, barring some drastic reveal of an as-yet-unknown fact, Fierstien is a moron, spouting moronitudes. Oh, sure, there are a few facts that could cause her psychotic overreaction to be reduced to the level of an ordinary reaction, but until I see a news report where Kirby asked them to TRACE the penises, or tattoo their penis pictures on each other's arms, my judgment stands.

And we know that didn't happen, don't we. There's no way in hell, for example, someone's gonna find a recording of Kirby critiquing the drawings with phrases like "bigger", "more girth", or "no, make it point up", I'm afraid Fierstein deserves one of those sparkly L's on her forehead, too. And give one to every parent who complained and every other school official who listened, and are treating Kirby like he's some kind of goddamned sex offender and ruining his life. Fucking idiots.

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