You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
I wasn't going to do this.
Not that I'm agin retrospection in and of itself, but I like flogging Net tradition. I like posting on Christmas, even though nobody checks in. And I like not taking the easy way out in the last column of the year by reflecting on favorites. But, if you'll excuse the borderline-bloggy moment that's about to follow, I feel like shit. So here's my favorite column from each month of 2005.
To this day, I think this is the best column title I've ever managed. I love everything about it so much even I have a tough time believing I came up with it. Plus, it's fun picking something out of nowhere and just hating on it for the sake of hating on it.
FEBRUARY: Lock The Bathroom Door, Grover
Goddamn. I was on FIRE in February. This may sound like the ravings of an egotistical megalomaniac, but there are worse ways you could spend your day than just paging through February's columns. That said, I have to go with the Creepy Muscle Bush Painting as epitomizing what I love best about doing this thing.
MARCH: Compare And Contrast
March was easy. Tom Delay gets compared to a Satanic turtle, and comes off badly in the comparison. And this was back in March, before any indictments got handed down.
Among my favorite anti-homophobe columns, this one really deserves to be paired with the following day's, but I like this one better because of the NO GAY shirt, the lameness of which still cracks me up.
I like this one because it proved oh, so very prophetic. By the end of the year, we would learn to what extent some people would continue to trust the government, merely because they were on the same "side" as the government.
Gotta commemorate the launch of the Be A Better Nerd columns, a series I'm particularly fond of. And this is the first real entry in the series. Ah, filk. So timeless, so hatable, so timelessly hatable.
JULY: The Best Column Ever
It was not hubris to name this such. It truly is YAD at its pinnacle. Kenneth Pinyan has assured himself of a singular and unique place in human history, and I cannot help but feel a little bit grateful to him, posthumously.
AUGUST: Focus On My Finger
The start of two days on James Dobson, featuring the incredibly hilarious "look at your dad's huge penis in the shower so you'll turn out straight" idea from everyone's favorite wingnut.
SEPTEMBER: Brownies And Other Small Children
I know the livejournalistas love the serious stuff, where I get all angry and dark and stuff, but of all the New Orleans Flood columns I wrote, I like this one the best because it forced me to Google up images of coffee stains until I found one that was suitable. The rubber vagina types can read this one if they'd like.
NOVEMBER: Never Meanin' No Harm
You don't think I was gonna spend all that time manually transcribing Randy Cunningham's farewell and not try to get some extra mileage out of it, do you?
DECEMBER: But You Don't, Do You?
OK, fine. Just to show I'm capable of picking a favorite column without a goofy picture or a dick joke in it, here's my first wiretapping column. So far, Bush is still not in the kind of trouble he should be over this, and thus, my pessimism is still warranted. And what better way to head into a new year than with bleak pessimism? Kick Baby 2006 in the diaper for me, will you?