A Keyes Of Our Own

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It's often said about American politics that the entire spectrum has shifted so far to the right that what's considered the "center" these days would have been ultraconservative a few decades ago. And it's true. Because if it weren't true, the left would have its own Merrill Keiser Jr., and we don't.

Now, Merrill Keiser Jr. is not a man to be taken seriously. He's an idiot, a freak, a whackjob. He's someone we can all point and laugh at for his crazy ultraconservative views, his religious fanaticism, his insane rhetoric, and his decision to run for Senate in Ohio as a Democrat because in 2004, he registered as a Democrat so he could vote in the primary against John Kerry.

But I'm still a bit jealous, because in a just world, the left would ALSO have its nutjob fringe candidates espousing ultraliberal beliefs, and there aren't any. How do I know? Because when the fucks at WorldNetDaily covered Keiser, briefly, they didn't cite an even more evil left-wing equivalent, choosing instead to quote a leftie blog yelling about Keiser. Plus, I never hear of any.

We have no Keisers. We don't even have an Alan Keyes. The closest thing we have to even a Rick Santorum is Russ Feingold, and Feingold's not pro-dogfucking last time I checked.

What would a leftie Keiser look like? Well, let's look at some of Keiser's positions and flip them on their ideological axis. My ideal left-wingnut fringe candidate would believe in:

Mandatory homosexual experimentation for teenagers as an after-school activity.

They don't have to stay gay, but they do have to try it and see if they like it. Plus, if everyone is gay at least once, after school, in eleventh grade, it'll spread tolerance and drastically decrease playground games of "smear the queer".

See, that sounds pretty fuckin' radical. But so does Keiser, a 61-year-old trucker who, according to centralohio.com, "...wouldn't personally draft the bill, [but] would not be opposed to legislation that would make homosexuality a felony offense punishable by death." I can only assume his unwillingness to actually write the "kill all the gays" bill makes him a moderate?

The banning of creationism in churches.

Look, if you teach these children that they were created by God, that they are, essentially, God's children, they'll inevitably think they are above human law. Entire generations are being given a messiah complex by an organized system of indoctrination that doesn't pay a dime in taxes. Why can't churches just teach the controversy?

You never hear any crazy leftists saying that. Yet Keiser is out there, name on the ballot, saying stupid shit like how evolution is in violation of the Declaration of Independence, and... ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If you teach kids that they're here by accident rather than purposely by somebody putting them here, their self-worth won't be more than any other animal.

Someone desperately needs to introduce Mr. Keiser to my epic, atheist, monkey-descended, product-of-a-billion-accidents ego and see how he explains that away.

The forced conversion of Christians to Buddhism in order to make the world a more peaceful place.

Again, this is something you never hear out of the mouths of fringe leftists. Yet Keiser, who's obviously listened to too many Ann Coulter books on tape for his own good, thinks that part of the war on terror should be converting Muslims to Christianity. I don't have a quote, which is a shame, but Keiser was interviewed by the Sandusky Register, which, like so many Midwestern small-town papers I've found, has an ugly-ass barely-functional website with no archive to speak of.

Apparently Keiser wants to teach the Muslims the error in their choice of religion. Which I'll admit has its appeal as an idea, even if I'd apply it a bit more broadly than just to the Muslims. And, of course, only entertaining the idea in a fleeting, cynical way, as opposed to making it part of my platform for my doomed run for an Ohio Senate seat.

I guess what I'm saying is that, like most Americans, I'd just like to see some balance. And one crazy right-winger too lazy to change his party affiliation he only picked out of spite in the first place really doesn't cut it.

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