2005: The Easy Way Out

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I wasn't going to do this.

Not that I'm agin retrospection in and of itself, but I like flogging Net tradition. I like posting on Christmas, even though nobody checks in. And I like not taking the easy way out in the last column of the year by reflecting on favorites. But, if you'll excuse the borderline-bloggy moment that's about to follow, I feel like shit. So here's my favorite column from each month of 2005.

JANUARY: Weehoo Beaujolaise and his Cajun All-Star Jamboree

To this day, I think this is the best column title I've ever managed. I love everything about it so much even I have a tough time believing I came up with it. Plus, it's fun picking something out of nowhere and just hating on it for the sake of hating on it.

FEBRUARY: Lock The Bathroom Door, Grover

Goddamn. I was on FIRE in February. This may sound like the ravings of an egotistical megalomaniac, but there are worse ways you could spend your day than just paging through February's columns. That said, I have to go with the Creepy Muscle Bush Painting as epitomizing what I love best about doing this thing.

MARCH: Compare And Contrast

March was easy. Tom Delay gets compared to a Satanic turtle, and comes off badly in the comparison. And this was back in March, before any indictments got handed down.

APRIL: Stupid People Never Have Days Of Silence

Among my favorite anti-homophobe columns, this one really deserves to be paired with the following day's, but I like this one better because of the NO GAY shirt, the lameness of which still cracks me up.

MAY: If You Fall Back, The Dicks Won't Catch You

I like this one because it proved oh, so very prophetic. By the end of the year, we would learn to what extent some people would continue to trust the government, merely because they were on the same "side" as the government.

JUNE: Put Down The Acoustic Guitar And Back Away Slowly

Gotta commemorate the launch of the Be A Better Nerd columns, a series I'm particularly fond of. And this is the first real entry in the series. Ah, filk. So timeless, so hatable, so timelessly hatable.

JULY: The Best Column Ever

It was not hubris to name this such. It truly is YAD at its pinnacle. Kenneth Pinyan has assured himself of a singular and unique place in human history, and I cannot help but feel a little bit grateful to him, posthumously.

AUGUST: Focus On My Finger

The start of two days on James Dobson, featuring the incredibly hilarious "look at your dad's huge penis in the shower so you'll turn out straight" idea from everyone's favorite wingnut.

SEPTEMBER: Brownies And Other Small Children

I know the livejournalistas love the serious stuff, where I get all angry and dark and stuff, but of all the New Orleans Flood columns I wrote, I like this one the best because it forced me to Google up images of coffee stains until I found one that was suitable. The rubber vagina types can read this one if they'd like.

OCTOBER: Throw Another Coelacanth On The Barbie

This isn't the best column in October, but it IS the one with non-stop gratuitous cheap shots at Australians in it. Seriously. I went through an entire lifetime's worth of cheap Aussie gags that day. Which caused me no end of trouble when they had their race riots in December.

NOVEMBER: Never Meanin' No Harm

You don't think I was gonna spend all that time manually transcribing Randy Cunningham's farewell and not try to get some extra mileage out of it, do you?

DECEMBER: But You Don't, Do You?

OK, fine. Just to show I'm capable of picking a favorite column without a goofy picture or a dick joke in it, here's my first wiretapping column. So far, Bush is still not in the kind of trouble he should be over this, and thus, my pessimism is still warranted. And what better way to head into a new year than with bleak pessimism? Kick Baby 2006 in the diaper for me, will you?

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