Fear: The Other White Meat

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Memo to America: BOO, DAMMIT! BOO!

I've seen the polls. You fuckers obviously aren't scared enough. Don't you realize our very civilization is under assault by forces that would behead you in your sleep and feed your corpse to turban-wearing ravens, if only they could get over here, find you, and get the turbans to stay on the ravens? Yet you persist in telling pollsters you're going to vote for Democrats! What the fuck is wrong with you? Haven't you seen the threats exposed right in front of your face?

AZZAM THE AMERICAN! BOO!

Yes, "Azzam The American" just got indicted for treason. It seems the California boy who took up jihad the way Livejournal users take up moping has been appearing in Al Qaeda videos since his original mockable appearance. Now, I actually agree that what this guy's doing is treason, but with a couple of asterisks next to it.

First, they indicted the guy in absentia, because he's running around the Middle East being Al Qaeda's A/V geek. If the guy's so important he warrants the first treason charge in fifty years, maybe you should catch him? But he's not that important, is he? At the end of the day, this is just white-collar treason. It's not like he's influencing hordes of Berkeley communications majors to pack up their DV camcorders and fly to Pakistan. Plus, "Azzam The American" is still really, really funny.

SPOOOOOOKY SCHOOLGIRLS!

Boy, California sure is a hotbed of "anti-American" sentiment. First Azzam, and now Julia Wilson, age 14. Little Julia was hauled out of class at McClatchy High School in Sacramento. Her crime? Collage.

Now, under other circumstances, I'd be all for the rounding up and incarceration of citizens involved in collage. Especially scrapbookers. But Wilson's collage featured a knife, Dubya's head, and the words "Kill Bush", and was posted to her "Let's Stab Bush" MySpace page.

Now, under other circumstances, I'd be all for the rounding up and incarceration of people with MySpace pages. But it's just a stupid teen thing. A very stupid teen thing. Hell, when we were 14, we all knew FOR A FACT that if you threatened the President, the Secret Service had to visit you and you'd get an FBI file and bad things would happen. And yes, I know the Secret Service has to take all threats seriously.

But there are ways to take this seriously without pulling a Scared Straight on a 14-year-old girl. Even on MySpace, you'd think law enforcement would have bigger fish to fry. Like all the sex predators Wired found with a simple search routine. Look it up. But fourteen-year-old girls will be of voting age before the 2010 midterms, and you can't start scaring them soon enough.

SMELLY HIPPY ANTI-WAR PROTESTERS! LOOK OUT!

Remember last year, when we found out the government was keeping a database of anti-war activists, pacifists, and ilk in violation of law and policy? And how we were told it was just an oversight, and that they'd be putting new procedures in place so that it wouldn't happen again?

Well, it turns out to have been worse than they admitted to. I know, you're shocked. A "Stop The War Now" rally labeled as "potential terrorist activity". Intelligence reports on peace organizations passed around among analysts at the Pentagon, DHS, and the FBI. Which at least explains why none of them have learned any fucking ARABIC in the last four years. They've had the Berlitz CDs for years, and will get to them just as soon as they're done with that Matchbox 20 album they're using to understand the collegiate mindset.

So remember, vote Republican in November. If you don't, Azzam The American will continue to say things, fourteen-year-old girls will continue to post to MySpace, and people might get the idea the Iraq war was a stupid fucking idea. And we can't have any of that, can we?

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