T Minus Two

« November 2006 »

Memo to Election Day: YOU ARE DUMB.

Fuck it. I keep getting distracted by Wal-Mart and John Kerry and the biggest evangelical leader in the country getting accused of patronizing a gay manwhore for three years. At this rate, I won't get to bitch about pre-election things I'm sick of until 2008. So let's run them down, Spastic Topic Monkey style.

Fucking newspapers. I'm not talking about the usual gripes against the "mainstream media". No, I'm talking about good old-fashioned hackwork. Specifically the trotting out of the story they've run every election cycle for decades. The special interest story about the married couple, one Democrat, one Republican. FUCK YOU.

Any possible remaining equine atoms in this corpse of a story were beaten into their component quarks when James Carville and Mary Matalin wrote that book. Oh, how can these couples stay together in these increasingly partisan times? Who gives a shit? There's only three possibilities. They secretly hate each other but the opportunity to strangle the other one in their sleep hasn't arisen yet, they've learned how to eliminate politics from the mutual respect equation, or they're the only two people they've ever met who own sex swings with built-in enema bags.

It's lazy. And frankly, if you want to be able to just opt out of the hassle of providing daily content with some lame hackery, you should get out of journalism and start a website.

Karl Rove does not have a secret plan to lose the 2006 elections. Karl Rove does not have a secret plan to win the 2006 elections. Karl Rove is not a genius. He is a thug in an environment where thuggery pays very large dividends. The myth of Karl Rove, Political Megalomaniac Genius, is probably the smartest of any number of myths these fucks have force-fed to the media and the public over the years.

I swear to hell and back, if I hear one more net-lefty worry that we're just falling into Karl Rove's elaborate web of deceit, I'm going to slap someone. Karl Rove doesn't stay awake at night worrying about the Machiavellian plots of... well, OK. Even if we DID have someone plotting like Machiavelli, he still wouldn't.

Most of the time, the Democrats don't fall into Rovian traps. They just make stupid moves that even Rove can see coming a mile away. Like yesterday, when they tried to go after John Boehner for disparaging the troops. First, he didn't disparage the troops. He disparaged the generals in a ridiculous bald-faced lie. But you can't try to go eye-for-an-eye on the Kerry thing, because even the simpletons on their couches know you're doing it.

I mean, yeah, it sucks that there's a double-standard at play, but that double-standard's been around since at least 2000. If you can't plan for it by now, it's not Karl Rove's fault.

"I approve this message."

Whatever vague attempt at accountability this rule was meant to create vanished after the third time everyone heard the phrase and started tuning it out. I can't think of a single instance where a candidate actually got in trouble for approving a message, no matter how bad. And if it's REALLY bad, they just get someone else to run it, some committee that just has to put its name in tiny text at the end.

Politicians don't need an excuse to put a smiling, soft-focus Vaseline shot of themselves at the end of the commercial. They'll do it anyway. And them saying they approve the message now has just as much meaning as the dick at Best Buy who pretends to want to know if I found everything I was looking for.

Campaigns are dirty, ugly things. And by requiring them to pick our leaders, we've created a system where the only people who lead us are people who enjoy doing dirty, ugly things at least once every two years. Their approval is not, in any way, reassuring.

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