Single-Payer Moustache Rides

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Memo to liberals: I HAVE AN IDEA.

Progressives in America have an identity crisis. We're not sure what we stand for, we're not sure who represents our worldview, and as a result, despite 2008 being the year when the last 30 years of conservative policies come home to fuck us all hard and not buy us dinner first, the odds are pretty good that the next President of the United States is going to sit somewhere near Nixon on the left-right axis.

What we need is an image to rally around. An image that screams "strong leadership", but at the same time, strong support for separation of church and state, evolution, and organic food. An image that symbolizes what we stand for. And I think I've found it. A strip of hair, roughly the width of the nose, grown in full on the upper lip (or purchased separately and affixed with spirit gum for ladies and less hirsute males.

Or, as it's commonly known, the Hitler moustache.

I admit, I can't take full credit for this idea. Partial credit has to go to Jonah Goldberg, who showed me that you could parlay a Hitler moustache (in his case, on the cover of his book Liberal Fascism) into the ability to get away with saying all kinds of ridiculous bullshit without getting in trouble. Since Democrats are afraid of getting in trouble for saying ANYTHING, we need to harness the totemic power of the Hitstache for good.

It's not just Goldberg. Oh, sure, his book is full of all kinds of things that liberals believe in that Hitler also allegedly believes in. Like the aforementioned organic food. But he's not the only one. We liberals are constantly being told that it's really our belief system Hitler embraced. Arguing against it with facts never works, so why not do the next best thing, and reclaim Hitler?

Not the shitty parts, of course. Obviously, we'd have to throw out the genocidal racism, the militaristic fascism, and most of the megalomaniacal world-conquering. That's the great thing about adopting the 'stache. The 'stache is innocent. It's not the hairstyle's fault that one of history's greatest bastards chose it. Just like it's not the fault of organic food that Hitler (according to Goldberg) approved of it.

Similarly, I don't care if Bryan Fischer, president of the Idaho Insert Larry Craig Joke Here Values Alliance, tells me that Hitler wrote a couple of slogans, "Politics do not belong in the Church." and "The Church must be separate from the State." Just because the guy who said that also slaughtered millions of Jews doesn't automatically make it a bad idea.

Along those same lines, when pastor and gadfly Tony Campolo writes in an editorial in the Philadelphia Inquirer that Darwin was a racist whose "ideas were very influential as [Hitler] developed the racist ideas that led to the Holocaust, why refute him? There's no margin in pointing out that Campolo is blatantly pushing an agenda and trying to reduce all of biology and evolutionary theory to what a 19th century naturalist thought about brown people. Or mention that during Darwin's time, any position that fell to the left of "kill them all and take their land" was fairly revolutionary.

Fuck it. Just wear the 'stache. The right gets to rehabilitate and venerate all their own ratbastards, from Nixon to Reagan, from Thurmond to Lott. They claim Lincoln and Martin Luther King, and try to give us Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, and Dubya. Mike Huckabee proudly stand for the flag of traitors and racists, and nobody bats an eye. Our motto should be, when life hands you Nazis, make Nazi-ade. They're going to say we're doing it anyway. Fuck, they're ALREADY saying we're doing it.

Might as well get out in front of the message, and keep a stiff, fuzzy upper lip.