Look Back In Annoyance

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Memo to Mike Huckabee, Debbie Schlussel, and Kevin McCullough: WELCOME BACK, DUMBASSES!

Some people can't get enough of that sweet, sweet You Are Dumb lovin'. They know it's bad for them, but they keep coming back, because even though it's bad, it's so damn good. So it's time for an extra-special Associates Of The Column edition of Spastic Topic Monkey Friday!

Ah, Mike Huckabee. He started out seeming so nice at first. He seemed warm and fuzzy, but it turns out that was just because he was out of focus. As he came closer and started talking, the inner crazy shone through. Still, that dichotomy is at the heart of the latest fucking stupid thing he said this week:

"I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution. But I believe it’s a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that’s what we need to do is amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards rather than trying to change God’s standards so it lines up with some contemporary view of how we treat each other and how we treat the family."

See? He's right... and he's wrong. I mean, that would be an awful, awful way to change the Constitution. It would be a headlong rush into American Taliban theocracy. Fuck him and the cross he rode in on. BUT. If we ARE going to complete the transformation of this nation into a crazy irrational theocracy, changing the Constitution is the only legal and correct way to do it. Half-assed measures, faith-based initiatives, and chipping away at abortion rights and the Establishment Clause are much more insidious and intellectually dishonest than Huckabee's approach. Which is simultaneously reprehensible and uncomfortably refreshing.

Meanwhile, the constant vigilance against insidious jihadism has just been snuck up on and given a wedgie. Remember Debbie Schlussel? The one who thought that green Ramadan lights on the Empire State Building were a sign that the caliphate was marching down 5th Avenue handing out burqas at gunpoint? Well, it turns out the infiltada was closer than she thought.

You may have heard about Mark Siljander. Former Congressman. Republican. Just got indicted for money laundering, conspiracy, and obstructing justice. Apparently, he was lobbying for an Islamic charity and crossed a few legal boundaries. The government claims the charity was funneling money to Al Qaeda and the Taliban. Maybe it was. I've lost track of the number of Islamic charities that someone's accused of ties to terrorism, but I'm pretty sure it's close to "all of them".

But that's really beside the point, because at one time, alleged terrorist sympathizer and Al(leged) Qaeda fundraiser Mark Siljander had a 16-year-old girlwoman on his staff - writing his speeches, teaching him Hebrew. Yes, it was a young Debbie Schlussel.

Now, I would not stoop so low as to suggest that, due to her past ties to a suspected terrorist sympathizer, the authorities should apply the standards of the right-wing paranoiasphere and do things that are in no way torture to Schlussel until we find out what she knows. I will, however, stoop so low as to take her following words on the topic completely out of context, since it's the fault of her and her ilk that they sound so dirty. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I was just 16, but more than an intern." - Oh, my.

Saving the best for last is our old buddy from Townhall.com, Kevin McCullough. What you may remember is that McCullough made the column over a year ago for opposing pregnant lesbians on the grounds that they can't produce their own sperm. What you probably don't know, because I keep that kind of shit out of the column on principle, is that the fuckstick later linked to the YAD column about him as one of several sites that proved, via the time-worn right-wing adage, that if they'd annoyed liberals, they must be right.

Well, I can only imagine how right McCullough must be feeling right now, after his insane column accusing the game "Mass Effect" of featuring "the most realistic sex acts ever conceived". He got so much shit wrong in that column even the general gaming public realized he was retarded. And he got yelled at. A lot.

He then wrote a follow-up column in which, true to form, he took pride in being yelled at, pretended he didn't say half the stuff he got wrong, and pretended the other half didn't actually change his point, such as it was. And then he got yelled at some more.

It's funny because he's stupid, it's funny because YAD was ahead of the curve by 13 months on him being stupid, and it's funny because on Wednesday morning, another post went up on Townhall.com containing the closest thing to the emotion of contrition that McCullough has likely ever expressed in print. And the first column, full of egregious and hilarious mistakes you probably already know about because you read Penny Arcade too, has vanished down the memory hole.

If only he'd taken my words to heart back in December '06, and given up writing for a profession more suited to his intellectual acumen, none of this would have happened. So let this be a lesson to future generations of narcissistic Googlers stumbling across my youhatred: MEND YOUR WAYS. Or you'll be humiliated in a much more public manner down the line.