Damn Near Killed Him

« January 2008 »


Hey, everyone! Let's throw a Pity Party! I've already got a low-bitrate, highly compressed AAC file of the world's tiniest violin playing the world's saddest song. I'll load it into an iPod Shuffle and connect It to a greeting card speaker.

Now all we need is a punch bowl, a couple of card tables, and someone to print up a banner reading "Sorry About Your Asshole, Asshole!" Hey, did Microsoft ever make a Screen Bean that's bent over in severe rectal distress? No? Ah well. Off to Google Image Search!

Yes, everyone's favorite cable news pundit, Glenn Beck, is recovering from what appears to be botched hemorrhoid surgery. I will leave the obvious jokes about cranial damage and increased fact-extraction capacity to my gentle readers. While I am clearly not averse to kicking a man, or in Beck's case, a shambling beast-child, while he is down, any straight line involving Glenn Beck's diseased pooperchute would have been comedically strip-mined within minutes of his video going up on YouTube.

And what a video it is. In many ways, it's a spiritual sequel to that beloved hit, "Hasselhoff Can Has Cheezburger?". Intended as a bedside update for Glenn Beck's handful of fan, the clip features a disheveled, loopy, medicated Beck whining about how badly the greatest health care system in the world" treated his bunghole. Seven and a half minutes of rambling awesomeness and the distillation of purest schadenfreude.

Now I do feel sorry, in an abstract sense, that what was supposed to be an outpatient ass-debarnacling turned into a five day ordeal of pain and drugs. Since it happened to Glenn Beck, that sympathy will have to stay abstract. Why we need to hold a rockin', rollin' Pity Party for him has more to do with his reaction to the whole ordeal. First, from the self-important and hilarious "Beck From The Dead" video. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I'm writing something now on the real meaning of compassion, because I know what it means, I think I can define it now... we don't even understand compassion anymore, and I have some real examples of compassion, and what it means, and how best to apply compassion."

It's clear from this, the rest of the video, and quotes after the fact that Glenn Beck defines compassion as BEING NICE TO GLENN BECK WHEN GLENN BECK IS IN DISTRESS. The doctors were impatient! The nurses were mean! Only the woman who brought him his food would make eye contact with him! He had to wait two hours for pain meds even though he could tell, in his medicated state and his limited, bed-ridden perspective, that "it wasn't a busy night at all". Whine whine whine. Glenn Beck went to the hospital, got what he needed, and presumably has a very nice health insurance package from CNN, but since he didn't get treated the way he thinks he deserved, his eyes are now open to the state of health care in America.

And how is it broken? Well, he tells the AP, "it's not going to be solved by government, it's not going to be solved by getting the HMOs out, it's not going to be solved by a new marbled-lobby health center. It's by hiring people that understand about caring for people."

Yes, Glenn. That's the problem with health care. Not overworked doctors. Not understaffed nursing stations. Not insurers that deny coverage to the insured, and a national system that denies coverage to the uninsured. No, the problem is that the doctors and nurses and technicians don't understand about caring for people. And by people, we mean Glenn Beck and his malignant dumper.

I am not the first person, since this video broke wide, to mention that Glenn Beck is a reprehensible douchebag whom we should feel no sympathy for. Which allows Beck to play the classic Right Wing Douche Trump Card:

"I find it interesting that those who are always saying how intolerant I am, what a hate-monger I am, are the ones posting `I wish he would have died,' `I wish he would have killed himself, it would have saved us all this trouble.'" - OK. One more time. We'll say it real slow and put it up on a prompter so that even Glenn Beck can pretend he understands it.

Hating you is not hate-mongering. It's just hating. A hate-monger deals in hate. Promotes hate. Encourages hate. When we make fun of you for being a worthless sack of shit, we're just hating you. Not all pundits, not all bloated white people with hemorrhoids, just Glenn Beck. We're not taking someone, like a Congressman, and based solely on their membership in one of the world's major religions, accusing him of being an enemy of America. That's intolerant. That's hate-mongering. There's no irony, no hypocrisy, and nothing "interesting" about hating Glenn Beck as an individual, in the same way that there's nothing hypocritical or unnatural about wrinkling your nose in disgust at the delicate waft of a freshly-lain turd.