Planned Patriarchy

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Memo to men: YOU CAN'T HAVE ABORTIONS.

You would think I wouldn't even have to say this shit. You would think the idea would be ludicrous on the face of it. To have an abortion, you must be pregnant. To be pregnant, you must have a uterus. To have a uterus is to not be a man. It is to be a woman. The womb-woman correlation was established fairly early on in our species lifespan, and has held up well, at least until now.

Now men want abortions. Well, that's not exactly true. What they want is ownership of the abortions of the woman they impregnate. And they want that ownership so that they can bitch and whine about the abortions they didn't actually have as if they were forced to have them against their will. Which is definitely NOT what I'd call a uterus move.

"We had abortions. I've had abortions." - So spake Mark B. Morrow, Christian, alleged "counselor", and leading member of a movement which likes to call itself "post-abortive men". Myself, I prefer the term "whining fucking wanktards". Seriously. I know the embryo fetishism movement is full of melodramatic bullshit, but this takes the cake. Listen to this pile of ultramaudlin that opens the Los Angeles Times' piece on the movement and try not to gag.

"Jason Baier talks often to the little boy he calls Jamie. He imagines this boy -- his son -- with blond hair and green eyes, chubby cheeks, a sweet smile. But he'll never know for sure. His fiancee's sister told him about the abortion after it was over. Baier remembers that he cried. The next weeks and months go black. He knows he drank far too much. He and his fiancee fought until they broke up. 'I hated the world,' he said. Baier, 36, still longs for the child who might have been, with an intensity that bewilders him: 'How can I miss something I never even held?'"

Well, it's a lot easier when you're DELUSIONAL. You spend your days talking to a phantom child. You're so hung up on genetic potential that you had months of drunken blackouts. You are, to use a clinical term, fucked in the head.

It's bad enough that even on the pro-choice side, we've had to internalize the idea that abortion is a universally traumatic event, even when necessary and legal, for the woman who actually has it. It's not true, of course. And when it is true, it's the product of an ingrained culture propagated and promoted by the blastula-humpers. But now we're supposed to take into account the feelings of a bunch of assholes who are embracing their newfound victimhood the way Lennie embraces rabbits?

I don't care how bad you feel. I don't care if, like Chris Aubert, you suddenly had a revelation, years after two former girlfriends you knocked up had abortions, that abortion was awful. And that even though you've gone on to a happy marriage and five children conceived through the power of love and guilt, you would still undo the abortions if you had the chance. And that you didn't think about what that undoing might have done for either of the girlfriends' lives until a reporter asked you about it. None of that changes the fact that YOU DIDN'T HAVE AN ABORTION.

Lance Armstrong's ex-wife doesn't get to say she had a testicle removed. Well, OK, she gets to say she had one testicle removed, but that's only because that's how many he had left when she divorced him. She doesn't get to lay claim to the other one, is what I'm saying. Rudy Giuliani's wife and/or mistress(es) did not get treated for prostate cancer. These are all specific medical procedures related to specific bits of anatomy that the other gender lacks.

If you feel you must, have your "counseling meetings", which appear to be a sort of feedback-loop circle jerk where the goal is to convince everyone to feel worse and worse about their past doomed fertilizations. Gnash your teeth and rend your flesh and see if they make hairshirts in a polo for all I fucking care. But unless you were the one with your feet in the stirrups, stop saying you've had abortions, because you didn't, and your pathetic attempt to redefine terms just proves how big a sanctimonious asshole you are.