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Memo to Tucker Carlson: I BLAME YOU.

I was planning to largely ignore Iowa, because, in the only instance where I have something in common with Rudy Giuliani, I foresaw nothing but misery as a result of any time spent on it. But then I was flipping around, and ended up lingering on MSNBC just long enough to hear Tucker Carlson say something astonishing. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I think America deserves time to ruminate over the results. We're minutes from those results, minutes from the start of the Iowa caucuses. The outcome remains, amazingly, a mystery, even at this hour."

This was just before 6 p.m. Half an hour before the caucuses started, Tucker was amazed he didn't know the outcome. Hours before the final results would be in, Tucker was amazed he didn't know the outcome. Mere seconds after espousing the virtues of taking time and ruminating, Tucker wanted his outcome! He's like a bulimic camel.

So, I've decided to be cruel to Tucker. Because I know how the Iowa caucuses will turn out. I'll write the results early, but Tucker won't be able to see them until the column auto-posts at midnight.

REPUBLICAN CAUCUS RESULTS:

The insanely authoritarian white male who loves Jesus surprised many by coming in first. This win was seen as an endorsement of traditional values and support for national security and the Iraq War. It remains to be seen whether he can maintain this momentum heading into New Hampshire.

The insanely authoritarian white male who loves Jesus made a strong showing in second place. He hopes to pick up steam in the next week and pick up an upset victory in New Hampshire.

The insanely authoritarian white male who loves Jesus managed to sound optimistic despite his third-place finish. He's looking past New Hampshire to South Carolina, and still thinks he can mount a comeback.

The insanely authoritarian white male who loves Jesus has got to be disappointed with his showing. Insiders expect an announcement within the week regarding the future of his campaign, although he may try to tough it out at least through New Hampshire.

DEMOCRATIC CAUCUS RESULTS:

See what I wrote up there? Well, replace "The insanely authoritarian white male who loves Jesus" with "Establishment centrist positioning themselves as an agent of change despite a long record if just the opposite", point out that the win shows strong voter interest in the weak economy and the Iraq War, and change all the pronouns to gender-neutral, because one of 'em keeps screwing up the grammar by insisting on having a vagina.

There you have it! Feel free to compare these results to anything out of your local paper or cable news channel. I'm confident with my incredibly precise predictions, and, as a result, am once again much calmer, and less prone to saying completely insipid bullshit than Tucker Carlson.