Fun With Foot-Mucous

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Memo to Kinoki: YOU CAN HAVE MY TOXINS WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM MY COLD, DEAD FEET.

Since the beginning of time, where there has been stupidity, there have been snake oil salesman. Whether it's a tonic that claims it can grow hair, or an apple that's supposed to contain the knowledge of good and evil, shady characters have been taking advantage of idiots who don't know the first thing about science and are thus vulnerable to anything that sounds remotely plausible.

So who the fuck is buying Kinoki foot pads, because these things don't sound in the slightest bit plausible. Sold on the deep cable, out where the regular sponsors dare not go, during hours when sane people are not watching TV, you will see them. Gauze pads you stick to your feet that pull toxins out of you through Chinese reflexology.

No, seriously. Magic gauze that sucks all the heavy metals and poisons out of your body. Through your feet. While you sleep, no less. You want to know why I'm so harsh on creationists, charlatans, and talk show hosts who can't tell you whether or not the earth is flat? This is why. Because we SHOULD be able to laugh something like Kinoki out of business. All of us. From the laser scientist to the guy scooping your fries. But people buy them despite answers like this in the Kinoki FAQ:

"It’s the natural way to assist your body in the removal of heavy metals, metabolic wastes, toxins, microscopic parasites, mucous, chemicals, cellulite and much more. Kinoki Foot Pads provide the one-two punch of powerful detox ingredients in conjunction with tourmaline, a mineral that generates negative ions, to improve your overall health and well-being."

I bet they don't remove gall. Because it takes a lot of fucking gall to list, as things that come out of YOUR FEET, everything from heavy metals to mucous, and then say "and much more". If microscopic parasites and cellulite are oozing out of my feet, I can only recoil in horror at what "and much more" could imply.

As for tourmaline, a quick search on "tourmaline healing" confirmed my worst suspicions. Remember new age crystal bullshit? And how it was bullshit? Well, big-ass tourmaline crystals are a significant component in that. Which makes Kinoki foot pads a bit genius, in their evil exploitative way. Think about it. If you want to sell a sucker a whole tourmaline crystal, first you have to get a whole tourmaline crystal. Then you have to set up a shop with a bunch of dreamcatchers in the window, buy some robes, grow your hair long, go through a bucketload of fucking incense every day, and constantly speak in soft, low tones. And when you succeed, they take the crystal, wear it around their necks for a few weeks, and never come back.

With Kinoki pads, all you need is a small amount of tourmaline dust and some gauze pads. You mail them the stuff, they use it, and then they throw it away and have to order more once the placebo effect convinces them they're full of energy and considerably lower in foot-mucous. No incense need be involved, and you can outsource the soft low tones to an Indian call center.

Hey, folks! Want to give James Randi a fit? Then let's all read along with this exciting and oh so precise description of how and when you will know your magic gauze is working. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Depending on the individual, the detox may require two to three weeks or longer in the case of greater toxicity build-ups. Most people use the pads on the arches of the feet to start with. The pads generally start becoming lighter in color and less "gooey" toxic lymph is extracted. At that point, other zones of the body can be addressed and cleared (usually taking far less time). Depending upon what specific toxins are removed, the color stain typically ranges somewhere between a green, grey, black, brown, or tan coloration. Some people notice positive health results within a few days. Others may take a couple of weeks to sense that something positive is happening.

Get that? There's a reason the "clinicals" tab on the site is labeled "coming soon". Generally! Depending! Weeks! Most! May! But remember, if you put pads on your feet, and the pads come away black, it's not because you don't wash the soles of your feet well enough. No, no. It's because of all the heavy metals and microscopic organisms being pulled through your feetlymphs by the negative ion crystals. Still not sure their target audience could actually use a product that removes heavy metals from the bloodstream? Get a load of this.

"You may also sign up for our Kinoki Foot Pad Maintenance Program and receive 10 FREE Pads every month. You pay only $12.99 to cover shipping and handling!"

Yes, $12.99 to ship ten gauze pads. Unless they have a new service tier at UPS where a buff, naked deliveryperson of your preferred gender TELEPORTS to you and feeds you grapes as you're handed the magic crystal pads, I think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, there's an exorbitant charge going on here. Maybe. Also, if you visit an Internet site and are offered to be charged and sent a product in perpetuity with no actual indication of how much the other 20 not-free pads that will make up your month's supply will be, then... well, again, you're exactly the kind of person who thinks all the toxins in your body can be pulled out through the soles of your feet, and I cannot fucking help you.

You'll end up poor, still toxic, and still stupid, but I'll give you this - your feet will be so clean you can eat off them. Congratulations.