I Hate Chuckabee

« November 2007 »

Memo to the media at large: MIKE HUCKABEE IS NOT VERY CLEVER.

I know, that as a general rule, comedy and politics don't mix. That's because comedy, at its best, is about taking chances. Saying things that are unexpected, so they can strike people in odd and unfamiliar ways, and thus provoke the desired reaction - laughter. Modern politics, at its "best", is about not taking any chances. Saying as many expected things as possible so that they strike as many people as possible in the most familiar way possible, and thus provoke the desired reaction - a vague sense of approval that hasn't been analyzed too carefully.

It's often said that we like to see politicians make jokes because it shows their human side, but I must disrespectfully disagree. Because what happens is that the politicians come across as someone without a human side desperately trying to prove to us that they have one. Without offending anyone in the slightest. In the most calculating way. Remember John Kerry, the motorcycle, and Jay Leno? That's precisely the kind of thing we need to be avoiding.

Which brings us, in a roundabout way, to Mike Huckabee, who isn't funny. And it's vitally important, when someone isn't funny, that we, as a society, NOT ENCOURAGE THEM WHEN THEY TRY. Because then they might think they -are- funny. And they'll try again. And we'll all suffer. So I beg the media - please stop talking about Mike Huckabee's stupid fucking Chuck Norris ad.

You see, Chuck Norris has endorsed Mike Huckabee. Now, we're all aware that Chuck Norris is a complete fucktard who, thanks to repeated blows to the head, doesn't believe in evolution. A sane man would reject Chuck Norris' endorsement like it was Ted Nugent's "Mystery Stew". But Huckabee, despite not being kicked in the head for most of his life, doesn't believe in evolution either, so he decided to trumpet the Norris endorsement in a TV ad. Full of Chuck Norris jokes his staff grabbed off the Intertubes.

Step back from the ledge, folks. Don't jump. The election's still almost a year away, and it's not going to get any better. We'll get through this. Yes, the idea of Chuck Norris saying nice things about Huckabee's conservative credentials, while Huckabee reads from a printout of a Web meme is horrifying. It's even more horrifying in reality, because while Huckabee may be a strong proponent of Second Amendment rights, he's nothing compared to the guy off-camera with the gun to Huckabee's head forcing him to participate. Still, we must be strong.

And for fuck's sake, CHUCK NORRIS FACTS? Is it too much to ask that the bunch of out-of-touch programmed drone fuckers fighting tooth and claw to rule us with an iron fist stay even remotely current with their attempts at Internet hipsterism? What's next, a policy paper from Barack Obama advocating public ownership of our collective base infrastructure*? Just because Giuliani can't let 2001 go doesn't mean the rest of you have to live in the past.

But nobody's criticizing Huckabee for this. I see mild applause for his iconoclasm and mention of his refreshing departure from political advertising tradition. How fucking hidebound and moribund does an institution have to be when mentioning Chuck Norris's superfluous chin-fist is a breath of fresh air? It's like a mortician wearing a clown nose. No, worse. It's like a mortician's INSURANCE AGENT wearing a clown nose.

In the interest of promoting reasonably current Netmeme pandering attempts amongst the presidential candidates, I hereby offer up the incredibly valuable You Are Dumb Dot Net endorsement to the first candidate, of either major party, to make an on-camera or nationally reported LOLCats reference. I reserve the right to withdraw that endorsement five minutes later due to the fact that once I see it, it will not be so good actually, but five minutes is five minutes.

Don't try to convince us you're one of us. They say that worked for Dubya, but I'm not convinced that's even true, and if it IS true, it's because what he has in common with the everyday American is a simplistic and inaccurate grasp of the issues. All you prove to me by telling a Chuck Norris joke is that you have a staffer who had a LiveJournal in 2005. Which is not, the last time I checked, one of the necessary attributes of the leader of the allegedly free world.

*Tell me you got that. Lie to me if you have to, but please, tell me you got that.