Dripping, But Only With Sarcasm

« November 2007 »

Memo to Sonny Perdue: YOU ARE DUMB.

Bert Brantley is your spokesman, correct? He speaks for you? Since you couldn't be bothered to speak for yourself, I presume that you sent him out there with words you would have spoken had you been available to talk to the press about your plans to hold a prayer service today. A prayer service that is an attempt to alleviate the drought that's making Atlanta drier than Fred Thompson Jerky.

You wanna pray for rain on your own? That's fine with me. Hell, you wanna engage in official, state-sanctioned prayer for rain? Go right ahead. I don't have to like it, but as long as you're suitably nonspecific about which nonexistent power you're hoping to give you water, you don't run afoul of the First Amendment per se. So keep Jesus out of it, maybe bring in a token Hindu or something, and we can just collectively leave it up to the people of Georgia to decide if you're an effective crisis manager, or a little pussy who goes running to his invisible sky daddy whenever things get rough.

Of course, I'm betting on the latter, because of one specific thing your spokesman said when he issued his statement on your behalf. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The only solution is rain, and the only place we get that is from a higher power." - Bert Brantley.

Really, Bert? Nice going, you ignorant motherfucker. Way to spit in the face of fifty-plus years of scientific illustrators. The ONLY way to get rain is from a higher power? Really? So every time a student opens a science textbook, and sees water evaporating over the sea, forming clouds in the atmosphere, then falling down as rain, that was all a big fat fucking lie? Someone had to draw those arrows showing the water cycle, Brantley, and you know what? It wasn't GOD who did that, either.

I would, begrudgingly, accept prayer for rain as a little something extra. A bit of theater designed to bring the populace together and recognize that, yes, there is a problem, and yes, you should probably turn off your fucking sprinklers now. Begrudgingly. But to present BEGGING FOR WATER as the only possible way to make rain fall from the sky? That's some 19th-century bullshit right there. Even for the South.

Oh, and James Salzer, of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution? You're not helping, you superstitious pile of hackery. You pen an article with the headline "After The Last Vigil For Rain, It Poured". Then you spend paragraph after paragraph describing a prayer vigil from 1986. I have a VERY difficult time believing that nobody in Georgia prayed for rain in TWENTY ONE YEARS, especially if it made it "pour", like you imply.

It takes eleven paragraphs for your miracle-claiming 1986 governor to admit that "It didn't rain much that day, but the next week, it started raining. We had several weeks of almost daily rains." Which is not "poured". And in the twelfth paragraph, out of FIF-FUCKING-TEEN, you lay this factoid on us:

"In fairness, there had been signs that things might be turning around a bit before the service. It had rained during the week heading into the weekend services, a bit of luck Perdue hasn't seen this time around."

In fairness? In fairness? It was raining for a week before the allegedly god-blessed service! So not only do we have to take "poured" out of the headline, we have to take "after" out too. Or else add "before" and "during" to it. But then your story would be called "The Last Vigil For Rain", and be a story about how a bunch of people started praying for something they already had, and by either the grace of God, meteorology, or just coincidence, what they already had kept coming. So the best they managed, even assuming they had any basis in reality at all, was to avoid pissing God off so much he stopped the rain he already sent before they asked for it.

A small cadre of rationalists have been protesting the prayer on the grounds of separation of church and state, which I think is a mistake. They should be protesting it on the grounds that it's fucking stupid, and even by the one previous data point we can establish in Georgia, doesn't actually do anything.

But what the fuck do I know? I've apparently been lied to by science diagrams my entire life.