At Least One S Missing

« September 2007 »

Memo to the various and sundry at Libertas: YOU ARE DUMB.

Not everyone who reads this column gets in touch with me to tell me I suck dick. Some of them throw tips my way, which is something I normally don't acknowledge because it's not relevant to the narrative. But after the four hundred thousandth link to Libertas had passed without me taking a swing, I figured it was overdue. Because they really aren't that bright.

Libertas bills itself as "conservative thought on film", and I suppose one out of three ain't bad. Two, if you don't accept the distinction between a "movie" and a "film", and think that a Kevin Bacon vigilante movie needs to be critiqued as art.

But what prompted me to finally write about Libertas wasn't their Death Sentence review (which bemoaned its attempt to inject political correctness into the vigilante genre) or the review of the Dixie Chicks documentary, which, I realize in retrospect, was solely responsible for the national shortage of cheap shots last month.

No, what inspired me was their topmost editorial, in which, for the first time ever, a member of a blog has successfully concern-trolled himself. Since I know there's a subset of my readership not steeped in Net minutia, concern-trolling is a person with position X posing as person with position Y, pointing out the problems with position Y in order to "help fix things" out of their concern for the cause.

Since the article is titled "Conservatives Are Just As Guilty", author "Dirty Harry" of course must start by establishing how guilty the liberals they're just as guilty as are, which he does in traditional-but-amusing Over The Top Conservative style. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Hollywood has declared war on America. In the coming fall season we will suffer through no less than six strident very high profile anti-American films designed with the precision of a smart bomb to undercut the American people’s will to fight this war. This is the only way the terrorists know they can win. This is the only way Hollywood knows America can lose. And so they have joined forces."

He doesn't list the six films, but checking IMDB, I can only assume he's referring to Mr. Woodcock (mocking gym teachers, whose star pupils are most likely to be The Troops); D-War (everyone who's seen the trailer has told me they're against D-War); Hitman (for being based on a video game other than America's Army); Bee Movie (obviously SOME kind of fucking allegory); Fred Claus (mocking Christmas, ergo pro-Muslim); and Sweeney Todd (in this post-modern update, Sweeney isn't a barber, he's a Halliburton exec with a very lucrative contract to produce MREs).

But at least we now know what kind of person actually believes the surge is working.

Anyway, apparently conservatives are guilty for not taking their vast stocks of wealth and using it to produce pro-war movies to compete with Hollywood's leftist agenda. While establishing this point, "Dirty Harry" inadvertently lets slip the kind of truth he would hang Sean Penn in an instant for expressing:

"I keep waiting for one of the tens-of-thousands of conservative millionaires — millionaires because of this country’s foreign policy — millionaires because of incredibly brave young men and women who fight the wars for us — millionaires because of America herself — to announce they’re ready to drop $50 million into a pro-war/pro-American film should someone only bring them a great script and director."

Is Harry really suggesting that America's conservatives are getting filthy, stinking rich off of the Iraq war, and are therefore ungrateful little bitches for not financing propaganda films to keep it going? That's awesome. He's asking fucking war profiteers to give back to the community. And people call ME a socialist? But wait, there's more!

"The time for the Fox News of Hollywood is now. We’re at war. Where are you people? You don’t want nineteen year-old Marines and soldiers surrendering to al-Queda, but you’ve already surrendered to Sean Penn? Tim Robbins? Bill Maher? Those soldiers and Marines are risking their very existence on this earth to fight this war and you won’t risk a fraction of your wealth? Think about that."

Well, I'll try, but I don't think you can underclock a brain. It starts with the unintentional admission that Fox News produces pro-war fiction. provides a transliteration of "al Qaeda" that I've never, EVER seen before, and then asserts, through the rhetorical Rule of Three, that Bill Maher makes anti-war movies. Or movies at all. And no, "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death" doesn't count.

I just love that to Dirty Harry, the only thing keeping us from soaring-eagle, flagpole-boner success in Iraq are a half-dozen movies coming out FOUR AND A HALF YEARS AFTER "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED". Yes, Genius. That's the fucking problem. Sean Penn's going to fuck it up for everybody just as the Iraqi security forces were putting the finishing touches on the "Thank You, Liberators!" float. But that's what you get when you ask a conservative to think about film.