Hoist The Stein Up

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Memo to Ben Stein: YOU ARE DUMB.

Seriously. So much for business savvy. What is it? Acting gigs dried up? The general conservative malaise means fewer people are interested in one of Nixon's buddies? Or, perhaps, are you a true believer? Maybe it's all of the above?

Because I can't imagine why anyone would decide, at this point in their lives, to hitch their bald, monotonous wagon to the Intelligent Design movement. That backwards bunch of young-earth creationists with lab coats they found at Goodwill are STILL licking their wounds from Dover. They're not the people you want to be associating with if you want to cultivate an image of vibrancy and success.

But that doesn't seem to faze Ben Stein, who has indeed hitched himself to that wagon, in the form of the upcoming documentary "EXPELLED: No Intelligence Allowed". Which, just on the face of it, is already an ironic title.

"Expelled" is the brainchild of Premise Media, which is, as far as I can tell, two creationists with money. A. Logan Craft (who someday hopes to be The Logan Craft) and Walt Ruloff (got rich starting companies and then selling them) are going to blow the doors off the Darwinist orthodoxy that dares to teach science to science students.

They have a website, which you can find easily enough if you try. It's like many other movie websites - full of Flash, with a trailer and a poorly-updated blog and the opportunity to be told that in the future, the site will allow you to buy a hoodie with the movie's logo on it. But the best part is, right out of the gate, they fuck it up.

The Flash intro features a slow, sexy pan up Ben Stein's pasty, aging body. There is a disturbing amount of leg showing, because Stein is wearing an Angus Young, AC/DC, or for the youth amongst you, School of Rock-style short-pants school uniform. Which would be bad enough if it weren't for the music they chose to go along with it: George Thorogood, and yes, "Bad to the Bone".

So many things wrong with that choice, not the least of which being that using "Bad to the Bone" in 2007 is the kind of thing only someone who believes Jesus rode a dinosaur to work would think is "hip". And also not the least of which is that the song has the word "bone" in it, and bones lead to fossils, and though they hate to admit it, nothing fucks up Intelligent Design like a fossil. In fact, to date, only one fossil has been conclusively proven to support Intelligent Design, and his name is BEN STEIN.

But perhaps most not the least of all is that if you're going to dress Ben Stein up like a fucking member of AC/DC, then you fucking well take a big chunk of your entrepreneurial piles of cash and you fucking get an AC/DC song. Although, upon reflection, it may not be their fault. Creationists are genetically incapable of experiencing cognitive dissonance, the way bees can't see red, or dogs think poop tastes good.

The documentary itself is the usual twaddle. Doctrinarian uber-Darwinists run the school systems like a Nazi death camp, extinguishing dissenting theories with a sneer and a touch of the lash. Only brave intellectuo-warrior Ben Stein, and his vast, Nixon-era experience with the truth, can restore freedom of speech to our school system. Stein serves as narrator, host, and they got him to write one whole introductory blog entry. I would argue that a blog with one entry, never updated again, isn't really a blog at all, but by that logic, 80% of LiveJournal would disappear overnight.

Anyway, Stein is either very committed, or a crazy person wrote his blog entry for him, because he waxes a bit effusive. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Under a new anti-religious dogmatism, scientists and educators are not allowed to even think thoughts that involve an intelligent creator. Do you realize that some of the leading lights of "anti-intelligent design" would not allow a scientist who merely believed in the possibility of an intelligent designer/creator to work for him… EVEN IF HE NEVER MENTIONED the possibility of intelligent design in the universe? EVEN FOR HIS VERY THOUGHTS… HE WOULD BE BANNED. In today’s world, at least in America, an Einstein or a Newton or a Galileo would probably not be allowed to receive grants to study or to publish his research."

Unbeknownst to me, it seems that some of the leading lights of "anti-intelligent design" are actually GIANT FLOATING PSYCHIC BRAINS, capable of scanning their prospective employees' minds for verbotenthoughten. I'm not sure why ID proponents would be applying for jobs with the leading lights of anti-intelligent design. I guess things are tough all over. Maybe Kirk Cameron's just had a round of layoffs or something.

Still, you'd think there would be some jobs in labs headed up by humans incapable of detecting creationist thoughts floating through the phlogiston. Maybe they should fill out an application there. And there's always Taco Bell.

It couldn't possibly be that these so-called ID "scientists" are one-trick ponies who keep saying the same things, over and over, in the same exact way, hoping to find someone who isn't sick to fuck of them and will give them money. And, come to think of it, that couldn't POSSIBLY be why Ben Stein finds himself sympathizing with them.